Expectations for music released at, and for, the Christmas period are usually pretty low. It's fair to say that the time of the classic Christmas song is long gone, and few, if any, will ever sit alongside the recognized "canon" of festive standards. When you listen to, say, Phil Spector's seminal, timeless "A Christmas Gift For You" record, you can't imagine any of today's pop goons ever creating anything quite so genuinely joyful. So yeah, it's now all a big "whatever - it's Christmas" shrug. We don't really expect much from today's crop of Christmas tunes.
But, seriously, has it come to this? Are we really so turned off, desensitized and bored with Christmas music that something so horrendous, poorly conceived and downright WRONG as Bieber's "Under the Mistletoe" record can be released and we simply mark it down as yet another Christmas album? The fact that, in the last three weeks both Michael Buble AND X Factor dud and celebrity non-event Joe McElderry have released depressingly similar Christmas albums, and even they sound relatively palatable compared to this monstrous mis-fire.
The whole point of a Christmas record is, surely, to make you warm towards and anticipate the big day. To enjoy spending time with your loved ones and to really get behind the "season of goodwill." Yet the sheer bile that wells up in the soul when simply looking at Bieber's arrogant, hateful face, coupled with his whining, nasally voice, makes you wish for a Santa suicide bomber.
We'll get to the main offender later, but let's deal with the other low quality tracks first. The handful of new songs are all vanilla, instantly forgetful R&B lite dross, all repeating the same eye-rolling cliches ("I heard on the street that Santa Claus is coming to town" - noooo, REALLY, Justin?) and boring, mundane ballads with as much soul and warmth as an airport departure lounge. Remember when I said new Christmas songs can't hang with the classics? These new songs aren't even on par with "Have a Cheeky Christmas" by the Cheeky Girls.
As for the covers, the puppet masters who pull Bieber's strings have decided to ruin some of the most celebrated Christmas songs of all time. Among them, a turgid, "I'm really feeling the emotion here, honest" snooze-fest cover of Silent Night and an appalling version of "The Christmas Song" that makes you wish that it was only Bieber's chestnuts roasting on an open fire. And what says "Christmas" more than a guest appearance by "talk to my manager and show me the money" Busta Rhymes on "Little Drummer Boy", an atrocious, vulgar track that has Bieber attempting to rap, with knuckle chewing, face-palm worthy lyrics ("Playing for the king, playing for the title, I'm surprised you didn't hear this in the bible"). The fact this music was recorded, released - and that people paid money for it - simply beggars belief.
Anyway, onto the main offender and lead single from the record itself. Arguably the last Christmas song that could sit alongside festive pop standards like Slade's "Merry Xmas Everybody" and Wham's "Last Christmas", Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas is You" remains the only song in her entire career that is of any worth whatsoever. Released in 1994, it remains a Christmas favourite. It's got bags of charm, an irresistible pop hook and is pretty much impossible not to enjoy.
Leave it up to the record labels then, to strip the song of any merit and make it note for note the worst track on an already grim and grisly album.. and Mariah is there for the ride, willfully destroying her own song all in the name of attempting to remain relevant to 12 year old girls. The video has to be seen to be believed; Carey doing her "I can't do anything else" coquettish shtick in a skimpy Santa outfit, now looking like a depressed, crack addicted hooker while Bieber basically shouts over the rest of the song. Yes indeed, nothing says "Christmas time!" like a 41 year old balloon chested skank making sexy eyes at a 17 year old boy. It's absolutely shameful.
Lazy, cheap Christmas cash-in's, where flavour of the month pop morons ruin Christmas songs are nothing new, and they will continue to be made as long as stupid kids and no-nothing parents buy them. Make no mistake - "Under the Mistletoe" could very well be the worst of the lot. If Santa Claus is indeed making a list of who's been naughty and nice, he should surely be heading for Justin Bieber's home with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.