Customer Reviews

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

5 star:		(124)
4 star:		(20)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

First of all, I was impressed that all 18 of the previous reviews gave this book 5 stars.

This book is the only one I've ever seen that specifically addresses the unique challenges and frustrations faced by children raised by mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it couldn't have been any higher quality. It is truly an outstanding book. The author provides information that is well organized, highly comprehensive, practical, and useful.

I am so grateful that this book was written, because as I can attest, children raised by Borderline mothers are in desperate need of support and understanding. They grow up in a world that is contradictory and emotionally confusing. The following thoughts are common among children with borderline mothers:
1. "I never know what to expect."
2. "I don't trust her."
3. "She says it didn't happen."
4. "She makes me feel terrible."
5. "Everyone else thinks she's great."
6. "It's all or nothing."
7. "She's so negative."
8. "She flips out."
9. "Sometimes I can't stand her."
10. "She drives me crazy."

Christine Lawson, PhD explains the origins of BPD, why it is so difficult to treat, and presents 4 distinct profiles of Borderline mothers. She explores these profiles in terms of their dysfunctional patterns and the experiences of the child of that type of mother. She also explores the types of men who marry each of the 4 types of women, and why they often are unable to validate the child's experiences. She thoroughly covers the topic of "splitting," and how/why the Borderline mother considers her child either "all good" or "no good." The last third of the book explores what children of these mothers can do in order to cope with this incurable disorder, particularly methods for setting limits on a Borderline mother's inappropriate behaviors. The parts on setting limits are the best I have ever come across in this type of book. She encourages the child to try to maintain a healthy relationship, but not at the expense of the child's emotional well-being, stating that:

"Sometimes adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their [Borderline] mothers that they choose not to have contact at all. No one has the right to pass judgment on such situations. Every human being has the right to protect his or her own life. In some cases, it is in the best interest of both mother and child to disengage completely."

The response I had while reading this book was "Hallelujah!"

P.S.---In addition to this book, I highly recommend the book, "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" by Susan Forward, PhD. While not specifically about BPD, it contains an excellent chapter called "The inner world of the blackmailer" which does a remarkable job describing how people who are emotionally manipulative (like BPD mothers) have usually experienced feelings of great deprivation and insecurity in their childhoods, and how their history produces their current behaviors. It explains why they don't connect their behavior to the negative consequences in their relationships, and why they don't learn from their mistakes. It also offers good suggestions for steps you can take to reduce the impact of this behavior when you are the target.

I have to laugh when I survey some of the critical reviews below, which claim this book is "imaginative literature" or is unhelpful because it has a "negative view" of borderline mothers. I can only conclude that anyone who finds this book overly imaginative or negative did not have the pleasure of growing up under the reign of terror inflicted by a mother with a rip-roaring personality disorder.

I don't to this day know if my mother was a pathological narcissist or a high-functioning borderline of the type Lawson describes as "Queen" and "Witch" (despite the detractors, she is very careful to say that these terms describe symptom clusters, not individuals, and that any borderline can veer between all four of her loosely labeled types). It does not matter, as in practice there is almost nothing to choose between the two disorders and (psychiatry being an inexact science) we may learn there is no hard distinction. Like narcissists, the less self-blaming types of borderline - as Lawson points out - are in denial about the notion that they might have a serious defect. They are not going to assume responsibility, or seek treatment unless it is a way to get attention and reinforce victim status without coming to grips with their own conduct.

I spent - wasted - twenty years of my adult life believing that the mother who had made me miserable for the previous twenty could somehow be communicated with, humanized, and redeemed. Why she made her husband and child so miserable - and why no amount of accommodation on the part of either had any helpful effect - remained a mystery until I first read about malignant narcissism and borderline disorder. Complete validation of what we went through had to wait until I read this book. Far from simply seeming insightful because it "reminds us of people we know," as one carping reviewer says below, this book made sense of my life. As for the complaint that the book villainizes mothers, I find that connecting the dots, which no other book has done for me so far - even those billed as self-help - actually makes it possible for me to feel some compassion for my mother, who behaved in ways that make compassion virtually impossible.

Children of mothers with a severe personality disorder are, as Lawson says, nearly as helpless as prisoners in concentration camps. Their emotional Hell is concealed from a world that sees only the facade and wonders what is wrong with the child; no one grasps the uncertainty, chronic negation and lack of support they endure - because their mothers are incapable of giving what they do not have. Lawson's accounts, drawn from the literature and her clinical experience, not only echo but explain what I have witnessed. They also explain why I escaped without becoming totally dysfunctional - because there were a few sane adults who made connections with me. The moral obligation of witnesses to protect and help children of these mothers is the most urgent message of this book; it is the only text I have encountered that describes the desperation of their - our - predicament.

Sufferers from severe BPD are just that, and I am as sorry for their unhappiness as I am for any misfortune, but what happens to their children is the equivalent of a natural disaster, and a preventable one. This book is invaluable both to people involved in the moment with a borderline mother who has custody of minor children, and to the grown children of such women. In a society that still mystifies motherhood and in which children are increasingly isolated with their mothers, it ought to be required reading for anyone who gives a damn about their fellow man.

This book is a lifeline to sanity for any child of a mother who suffers from borderline personality disorder. The first chapters dissect this complex disease more thoroughly than I've read in any other book, and the final section explains how to cope with the volatile relationships that form between mother and child. Every page contains a wealth of information that is simultaneously therapeutic and proactive. The validation that came with being able to relate to the experiences of other children living with this was priceless (as well as being long overdue). I have read dozens of books about borderline personality disorder, but none (until now) addressed the consequences the disease has on children of mothers suffering from the disorder. The book seems to focus on the relationships daughters have with their borderline mothers, but does deal with the impact it has on sons, as well.

As a child of a bordeline mother and a borderline mother myself, I found this book invaluable. Determined not to make the same mistakes my mother made, although I have been in therapy for nearly 5 years, and making good progress, I was poorly equipped to understand everything that I was doing, and I was able to see in the mirror, so to speak, by reading this book. I have tried to get my 15 year old daughter to read it without success. Perhaps later when she is more receptive to the fact that her mother is flawed and can accept my apologies for my behaviors she will read it. As soon as I was diagnosed I sent her to therapy, which has been invaluable to her.

One of the things I like about this book are the references to Lewis Carrol's "Alice in WOnderland". Carroll (Charles Dodgson) was hypothesized to be a boderline in the book "The Agony of Lewis Carroll", which is an excellent treatment of his work, I believe, although it has been shot down by Caroll scholars.

BPD is a terrible illness. I'd rather have anything else, as the self-loathing, rigidity and delusions are so irrational and so difficult to rid oneself of. The AVERAGE length of therapy for BPD for a patient going twice a week used to be four years. Most insurance plans don't support that type of therapy, and many victims don't have insurance. Many give up because they dont have the community networks to support them.

BPD replicates itself in families and is growing in numbers. It knows no income level, no race or nationality. It has existed for centuries, and its dimensions are just being understood.

Encourage your library to put this book on their shelf as it is a great mental health resource.

Was your mother an unexplainable enigma of hatred, abuse, wild mood swings, illogical behaviors and obsessions? Is the first feeling that you can ever remember experiencing as a small child anxiety or fear? Could you describe your mother as a controlling, manipulative, lying witch that left you wondering what the truth was? Does this sound familiar? If so, you need to read this book. I just described my mother. This paragraph, on page xii, describes my how I felt as a child. "Some children of borderlines experience childhood as an emotional prison camp ruled by arbitrarily hostile guards. Their feelings are captured by the words of adult survivors of concentration camps: `We were terribly afraid that...people would never notice a thing, that nobody in the world would notice a thing: us, the struggle, the dead ... that this wall was so huge that nothing, no message about us, would ever make it out'". Christine Ann Lawson's book Understanding The Borderline Mother Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship has allowed me not feel alone in the world and acknowledge that this really did happen to other people.

I recieved my copy of "Understanding The Borderline Mother" 2 days ago and I have almost read the entire book. I began with a highlighter in my hand to highlight things that related to me as a "borderline mother". After just 2 chapters I noticed that the entire pages were almost highlighted! This is the most accurate, and in-depth book I have read on the subject. My realization of what I have put my children through devastated me. Today I had a discussion with my 2 boys, ages 26 and 13. The older son witnessed the majority of my "borderline personality" since I was not diagnosed and medicated until 5 years ago. He described to me that after years of my rages, my inconsistencies, my depression, my impulsive behavior, my lack of concern for him on occasion actually caused him to become "numb" and deeply sad most of his life. My younger son said that he does not know from day to day which mom will pick him up from school, or when I will suddenly fly into a rage. Wow...It was almost as if they both had read this book and were quoting it. I had no idea how I have so drastically affected my sons, while all the time I REALLY believed that I was a good and loving mother. I have been crying ever since our discussion, and feel a very deep sadness. The book is a MUST for mothers who have been diagnosed or think that they may have BPD. And it is not a bad idea to let your older children read it so that they can identify with other children of mothers with this disorder.

I need to add myself to this growing list of people who are praising this amazing book. If you find yourself questioning your relationship with your mother, or think there "might be something wrong with her, but I just don't know what it is," BUY and READ this book immediately. I found myself at such a crossroads wanting to believe that there was something tangibly wrong with my mom other than she was "just a bit- -." This book exploded my awareness. Furthermore in sharing it with my siblings it created a life-changing awareness shift in all of us. I went back to read something in the book after I had lent it to my brother and was shocked to find that he, like I had underlined and written comments in the book such as "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO SOMEONE ELSE!" or "HOLY CR- -, MOM SAID THIS SAME EXACT THING." We who have been raised by someone with this mental illness NEED to come to grips that we are NOT alone, we are NOT crazy, it is NOT our fault. This book does this and more.

To some of the "negative" comments or "shortcomings" about this book in previous reviews...no this book is not the end all and does not offer "the answer" to solve the Borderline's or the Children's issues....that is not it's goal. It's goal is to very accurately describe and validate experiences we have been through so that WE and others can appreciate what we've been through. This is necessary before the healing can begin. I recommend this book to people questioning their mother's illness. I recommend this book to people who know and are dealing with the fact that their mother suffers from BPD. I recommend this book to any therapist who is treating someone who has or was raised by a BPD. This is a phenomenal piece of work!

As the daughter of a borderline mother (one who tends most towards Lawson's category of the 'borderline witch'), this book has revolutionized my understanding of what was/is wrong in my mother-daughter "relationship" (presently in the role of the 'no good' child, she has not seen me in 5 yrs, not spoken to me in 2-&-1/2). This book is very easy to read (in terms of understandability), while being (at least for me, as a child of a borderline mother) a hard read emotionally. However, Dr. Lawson's compassion towards such children permeates each page -- her obvious care and concern kept me reading through the more personally difficult passages.

As the author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Back Your Life when Someone You Care About has BPD," I am so pleased that finally we have another book about the effects of BPD behavior on family members. This book is easy to read and packed with information that you need to know if you had a mother with BPD traits. I spoke with the author, and she agreed with me that these effects are not limited to children, so I would recommend the book to anyone in a relationship with a person with BPD.

My only wish is that the book could have been organizaed for easy reference in terms of the BP's thoughts, feelings and behaviors and the resulting thoughts, feelings and behaaviors of the non-BP child. I wrote a chart for myself, culling the information from all the different sections, and will put it up on BPDCentral at (www BPDCentral com) for those looking for aan easy chart. A must-have for anyone coping iwth BPD behavior.

Finally, Lawson's type of BPs takes much clinical information and makes it easy to access. Adult children will probably find that their parent leans toward one of the four types, but will probably see elements of the three other types in their parent.

People interested in this book may also be interested in books for those with mothers who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These include TRAPPED IN THE MIROR by Elan Golomb and CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED by Nina W. Brown. Other must-have books of interest inclide Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Toxic Parents.

When I received this book I immediately started on it, and I was pleasantly surprised, this book is excellent. I expected to find my mom in the description of the "Waif", but was surprised to find her also in the "Queen" and the "Witch". I think I underlined most parts in the description of the "Queen" so a lot hit home there. This book was accurate enough about a lot of things to leave me almost breathless and feeling a bit in shock, when I first read it.

The book is written from a psychodynamic perspective, which means that the author feels that our weaknesses as humans are grounded in our childhood pains. The way to wholeness and healing, according to this point of view, is to heal our past pains often through therapy. I tend to agree with much in this perspective, and also disagree with some of it. For instance Dr. Lawson claims that "all-bad" children of borderline mothers are virtually destined to become borderline themselves, and I think the disorder is much too complex for such a sweeping statement. There can even for some people be some freedom in being "all-bad" as the borderline mother is easier to write off in our own minds from that perspective. BPD is partially based in childhood traumas, partially based in brain chemistry, and partially based in something the scientific community has not yet pecked down and proven exactly what is.

Within 3 days I read the book 3 times. Underlining stuff that pertains to me and my mom. Then I sat down and wrote a long description of my mom as a borderline, and how she influenced me. Writing about how the different profiles intermingled, played off each other, and ultimately how it influenced me. This exercise helped me immensely to understand a lot of things. I think every adult child with a borderline mother should read this book for sure, and reread it several times as well. The material in the book is immensely important, well written and clear. For me at this point especially the descriptions of how the "all-good" and "all-bad" roles influences a child helped me tremendously. I am sure in teh future other parts of hte book will speak to me more.

I think Dr. Lawson could have done a little better outlining the fathers and their profiles, as those descriptions did not go much in depth, and I didnt feel they really hit the mark as well as the other parts of the book.

I also wish Dr. Lawson would have spend a little more energy on outlining possible communication techniques with the borderline mother. Although I might be saying this now, but when I really sit down and work through that part of the book I might change my mind, as it was there for me to dive in to.

Overall, a very important book, with outstanding material. A few parts could be improved, but nothing is ever perfect. :o).

Dr. Lawson, thank you for an important book