Customer Reviews

Understanding Men's Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men's Lives

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(3)

 

 

This isn't an awful or poorly written book, but it really seemed skin-deep to me (42yo male). The author skimmed the topics, even though she apparently interviewed a lot of men. It just isn't deep at all -- to me, it was like watching a television show. By comparison, "Iron John" by Robert Bly was very deep and thoughtful. Years after I read that book, I'm still thinking over some of what he said.

Gail Sheehy's book contains some wisdom that I found helpful, but I also found myself wanting to throw the book out the window more than once during the reading.

The good side is that she interviews men whose stories I could understand and whose words touched my pain. There are plenty of stories from men that have been where I'm going now at age 48. About 25 percent of the stories made sense to me and filled in more than a few puzzle pieces in my life.

The bad side is having a good writer like Gail Sheehy write a book about the male world is like Newt Gingrich writing a book about lesbian life. Eventhough the writer tries hard not to interject their innate opinion it comes through, and I as a man resented and felt hurt at the stereotyping the male species, the paragraphs that you just don't say to a guy that's down on his luck, and the "how great women are doing these days."

The book does contain some wisdom that I'm glad I found: older men talking about their lives. The downside is I had to read some passages that just ripped my guts out . . . almost like stepping on a landmine.

I'm glad, though, that I read it.

Gail Sheey's "Understanding Men's Passages" is a good book to read to grasp the basic developmental stages that men go through in life. Other books on men's issues sometime fail to recognize the importance of these sequential and natural passages of early, middle, and later male adulthood.

I enjoyed the book, but Sheey sometimes overuses examples from men who, quite frankly, do not quite fit the norm (rich, famous, and powerful). It appears that data supporting Sheey's book came from men in all walks of life. Why then, does she often use interview data from men who the average reader cannot identify with? When reading through this book, I sometimes wondered if Sheey met the elusive "every man" in each of us, but truly does not know the common personality characteristics that we, as men, exhibit. She also mentions virtually nothing about single men.

Strengths: The cover is eye-catching. And in general, Sheey is a gifted writer who draws the reader into her train of thought. She has also really done well in connecting with medical personnel who are familiar with men's health issues. Parts IV, V, and VI were perhaps my favorite parts of the book to read.

Years ago, I read Sheey's "Passages" for a class on adulthood and aging. She goes beyond that book in "Understanding Men's Passages," but not quite enough.

Ms. Sheehy has done it again: she has written a book both supported by research and as interesting a read as any novel. My only problem with this book is that most of the "case histories" are about men who have the financial advantage necessary to give them the freedom to take the time to dabble in this or that while they are trying to discover how they want to spend their Second Adulthood, as Sheehy calls the years after age 50. Most of the men in Sheehy's book are definitely NOT fast food restraunt managers, security guards, or factory shift workers, etc. Men at this lower end of the income scale simply cannot afford to take 18 months (a figure estimated in the book) off from any kind of gainful employment after becoming the laid-off victims of downsizing. Still, the book puts forth a lot of helpful information for both men and the women who interact with them.

From Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary:

truth: the body of real things, events, and facts.

propaganda: ideas, facts, or allegations spread to further one's cause or to damage an opposing cause.

I had heard some positive comments about Sheehy's book and being a 44 year-old man, was anxious to read it. While her chronicling of men's feelings are accurate, her "solutions" are lacking.

Whenever I read the book, I found myself depressed (even my wife noted that.) I finally realized that Sheehy's advice was really feminist, humanist ideology in a subtle disguise. In her view, the way for us men to successfully navigate our passages and transform ourselves is to accept the hard-core feminist agenda and to throw off the shackles of established religions. Of course she does not state that outright, but the images she paints in her book are of hapless men struggling in a society where women are gaining more prominence. If we don't accept the fact that men are losing power, we will not be transformed.

The real issue with which men are struggling is not about losing power, but losing respect. Men are criticized at every turn by women; discrimination against men is not only tolerated but is policy in many corporations; women make disparaging remarks about men in the workplace -- the type of remarks that would be offensive if they were made about women or a minority group.

I said that Sheehy's promotion of feminist ideology was subtle -- subtle until she launched her attack on Bill McCartney and the Promise Keepers. I attended two of the large rallies upon the invitation of a good friend and found the movement contrary to my Roman Catholic sensibilites. Actually, aside from the exhilaration of being with 50,000 men in one place, I found very little that I liked about Promise Keepers. However, Sheehy goes way beyond expressing her dislike for them and their founder, Bill McCartney. Indeed, she portrays them as a militaristic group of zombies marching in lockstep with their leader. Some examples:

Sheehy refers to "Bill McCartney, the messianic former football coach". With the following observation, Sheehy makes a sweeping indictment of McCartney (she sounds like a Republican going after Bill Clinton...): "Coach McCartney, who has long been a supporter of Operation Rescue, the militant antiabortion organization responsible for violence in clinics...."

She describes the men attending the "Stand in the Gap" rally in Washington, D.C.: "In all this hairy, high-testosterone crowd of decididedly heterosexual men with bulky shoulders, thick necks, and mostly short hair or buzz cuts, there is no commotion, no snacking, no conversation. They stare straight ahead. Most wear Promise Keepers baseball caps with the bills turned straight forward and white T-shirst with sayings such as "Let go, let God." "...they are hypnotically quiet in the brilliant sun." Sounds like a group of Nazis, doesn't it? And at the rallies I attended, there were plenty of tall skinny guys with narrow shoulders and stylishly long hair.

Earlier in the book, Sheehy states that "Men need ways and places they can get together with other men...." But she criticizes Promise Keepers for their "pointed exclusion of women." Come on Gail, is it only appropriate for men to get together in feminist-approved gatherings? At the Promise Keepers rally, I think Sheehy saw what she wanted to see.

Sheehy implies that Americans are behind the times in terms of family structures: "Americans are more reluctant to give up the traditional family role structure than are people in many other countries..." according to an international Gallup Poll. "Nearly half of the Americans surveyed said the ideal family structure was one in which only the father earned the living and the mother stayed home with the children, compared with only about one fourth of those polled in Germany, India, Lithuania, Spain, Taiwan, and Thailand." I dare say, we better change our attitudes if we want to keep pace with Thailand, that beautiful country where families sell their daughters as sex slaves!

Sheehy writes that men today assume "spectrum of postures", "not as neat pigeonholes but as different expressions of manhood in contemporary life. A man may move from one to another depending on his mood or circumstances." But despite her disclaimer, she well manages to put the pigeons in the holes. From her descriptions of the pigeonholes, uh, "postures", it is difficult to imagine men moving from one to another, especially depending on the their moods!

The postures: Resurgent Angry Macho Man (RAMM - isn't that cute?), Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG), Dominant Male Model (DOM), Messenger of God (MOG)(this is where she places Promise Keepers), and Partner and Leader (PAL).

Apparently, Sheehy prefers PAL because she has nothing disparaging to say about it as she does the other pigeonholes, darn it!, I mean postures. She describes PAL as a "true grassroots movement" where "men are finding ways of bonding in small groups that form spontaneously." "In these small groups, men are encouraged to act as partners as well as leaders, rather than being led by any higher authority.... They are not bonding for the historical purpose of attacking or defending turf but as chosen brothers (oh, brother!) who can offer one another support and solace.... They are part of the new flexible network society that has been given great impetus by the Internet and the World Wide Web. Today, it is easy to create one's own attitudinal tribe.... Men are rediscovering their faith on their own individualistic terms...." Sheehy is another of those voices who place the individual at the center of the universe rather than a higher power, Allah, God, or supreme being. She pushes the propaganda that if you cannot or will not abide by the teachings of your faith, heck, you can start your own. And the fact that she advocates the impersonal media of the Internet cheapens her message that much more.

Sheehy calls herself a "cultural interpreter", but with this book, she appears to aspire to "cultural reformer."

This is a terrible book. Poor research, bad writing and oversimplified thinking all combine to produce a book that no one should read. Sheehy should move on to another subject if not another career. I highly recommend that you do NOT WASTE YOUR TIME with this drivel. I am angry I wasted mine.

Reading this book is a necessary gut-wrenching experience. Nobody likes to hear exactly the idiotic things we men sometimes do. Especially from a woman...right guys?

Sheey is right on the money. You will find your father, brother, GRANDFATHER and buddies all here. As well as yourself. And *that* is the gem this book will leave behind: finding yourself, situating your thoughts and realizing that you are not all that crazy..that, yes, you can stay in the saddle or get back on it. You are hardly alone.

Two comments: One, don't take the age ranges literally (Sheely advises the same thing). Two, enjoy the book while it lasts, because "the meaning of life" is not described at the end of the book. The book reads like a novel at some points, BUT it is not. If you get to the end and are still clueless. Put it down and think hard. You will get IT. Read it. You will be glad you did.

This is an effort to help the silent sex, the Male of the Species understand the pains and problems ( and also the opportunities) of aging. For Sheehy the first forty years are the years of the competitive male, seeking to conquer in the world. The next years , she says, should be the time for the Men to become a more gentle, more multi- goaled kind of being. The forty plus Male should be thinking and working for a better relationship with spouse, for greater consideration of children, for more harmonious relation to others.
Here she points out how the silent species does not often talk about the 'male menopause' the loss of sexual, physical power. the loss of control , which comes with aging. Her effort is to help Men better understand how to make happier and better lives for themselves and for others.
This kind of thinking can, I am sure, be of help to many. But I do not think it will stop those driven, intense , ambitious, long-distance runners who work and work and work because that is where their heart and hope is.

The first thing I asked myself while reading this book was, "How well can a woman really understand men's passage?" After all, how many women will read a book about menopause written by a man, doctor or not, and not stop and think, "Yeah, right. You can tell me about it when you feel the hot-flash furnace kick in."

However, perhaps a woman might be able to look at the situation more objectively. Certainly Ms. Sheehy has done a fair amount of research and talked to plenty of men about their "middle age." I have seen a few negative reviews of the book based on the fact that it appears to lean towards the "touchy-feely, new age" end of the cultural spectrum. While I will admit that the author does seem to lean more left than right, I haven't found her to be objectionably so. Besides, no one should take any author's words as gospel. Take what is good and leave the rest.

It's a bit strange to hear one's own words coming out of the mouths of the men in the book. Sometimes you think that you are the only one in the world who is feeling this way, and that you are on a solo journey. While it is true that we all must seek our own path, it appears that we have plenty of company along the road. To know that you are not the only one going through a time like this provides a sense of community and a hope that you will come out on the other end as well as some of the men in the book have.

I can see where people reading this book might think that it is typical "west coast think," but I have to say that I can agree with most of what is in the book. Besides that, the author relies on studies and interviews from all over the country, not just the west coast. I think that she may be a touch too feminist in dealing with a male issue, but what the heck, she is a woman, and while I'm sure she was trying to be objective, it would be hard for her not to see issues through a woman's eyes. Still, don't let this put you off if you are a man living through these "passages" - there is value here.

For those who want checklists of things-to-do to manage these passages, you are out of luck. She does provide plenty of examples of men who have made it through, or who are working on it, which at least presents methods used by others that you may adopt or not, depending on what is useful to you.

If you are lost in middle-age, or beyond, I would recommend this book for its therapeutic effects. It may not cure you, but it might ease the suffering a bit. In truth, I think that the only thing that will resolve the issue is time, but you need to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in order to commit to the necessary time. This book provides that little glimmer of light.

It's an easy-to-read book for the amateur trying to figure out where the man in my life is going. Since he's still in my house, it's good to have a map.