Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy [Paperback]

William July II (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 13, 2001

Why are men so afraid of showing their feelings? What scares men about commitment?

In Understanding the Tin Man, bestselling author William July II tackles these age-old questions, revealing what every woman wants to know about her man, and what every man needs to know about himself. Boys, conditioned to become emotionally closed off, all too often end up like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz–hollow on the inside, and unable to cultivate honest, loving, mutually satisfying relationships.

Understanding the Tin Man presents a simple, step-by-step program for men who want to change, and for women who want to help their men overcome the Tin Man syndrome. You will learn to recognize a Tin Man, understand why men really fear intimacy, see through the tactics men use to avoid commitment and relationships, identify the five situations in which even the most emotionally numb man will share his feelings, and, most important, learn how to help a Tin Man change his life. With thought-provoking questions and self-improvement exercises for both men and women at the end of each chapter, Understanding the Tin Man is a powerful tonic for relationships and a much-needed voice of reason on the battlefield of the sexes.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In his third book, popular motivational speaker and author July (Brothers, Lust and Love) tackles the difficulties many men encounter with commitment--to themselves and others. Opening with a quote from Buddha challenging the reader to become "the noblest victor" by conquering himself, July asserts that men need to acknowledge, understand and learn how to process their emotions in healthy ways. Borrowed from Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz, the term "Tin Man" describes those who embrace the destructive cultural truism that a man's worth is based on his ability to conquer and control other people through sex, money, physical power or manipulation. Describing himself as a recovering Tin Man, July humorously relates how he neglected a broken finger out of a desire to avoid looking like a "sissy," and questions why it often takes life-threatening crises to prompt men to recognize that their macho attitudes are killing them. While generally careful not to point fingers, July contends that women are sometimes willing participants in the macho male belief system, encouraging some of the negative behavior in men that they claim to hate. He suggests that kicking out the Tin Man is essential not only for developing healthy romantic relationships but for maintaining good male friendships, which he believes can be superficial when friends fear appearing weak. Packed with solid insights and written in a brother-to-brother style that won't alienate women, July's latest effort reinforces his position as a cool-headed referee in the battle of the sexes. Author tour. (Jan.)
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

Are you afraid of intimacy?

Do you fear commitment?

Or do these questions make you think of someone close to you? If you (or someone you know) would reply "True" to the following statements, this book is for you.

True or False:

1. The best way to make up after an argument is sex.
2. My favorite way to celebrate is by having sex.
3. Sex is my preferred method of easing my mind and relaxing.
4. Coming from a girlfriend/wife, the words "We need to talk" make me uncomfortable.
5. For an evening to be intimate, it must involve sex.
6. A man should always earn more than his wife/girlfriend.
7. Married women shouldn't want or need to work.
8. It's my job to do the driving when I'm with a woman.
9. Birth control is only the woman's concern.
10. Women need a man's help when making big decisions.

See inside for the rest of the quiz...


From the Hardcover edition.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 236 pages
• Publisher: Broadway (February 13, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0767905660
• ISBN-13: 978-0767905664
• Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.5 x 8.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,219,392 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The ultimate follow-up to "Brothers, Lust, and Love.", February 14, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy (Hardcover)

Mr. July picks up in "Understanding the Tin Man," where he so insightfully left off in "Brothers, Lust, and Love." I am definitely impressed with the author and his latest work. It is evident that Mr. July has personally experienced that of which he writes. He reveals the most intimate details of how and why so many men avoid intimacy, with the opportunity for self checks and "Things to Think About" at the end of each chapter. He also provides the opportunity for both sexes to take a closer look at their significant other and themselves. Mr. July's manner and approach with the two are down to earth and encouraging. His style of writing leaves the impression of having shared an intimate conversation and/or discussion with one's closest friend... as in no demands as to what one should do, but leaving the door open for positive and new realizations about one's self and way of being.

"Understanding the Tin Man" is a refreshing read. It encourages and promotes a realistic understanding of the various "Tin" issues between the sexes. Though the title and subheading suggest a read geared toward women, the book is a definite must read for men too. It includes helpful references and positive messages for them throughout, and offers ideal ways to better or begin to make self-imposed changes that encourage a stronger love of self, family, and friends. This book is definitely a "five" star, plus.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Praises, March 9, 2000

By 

terri l. watts (New York) - See all my reviews

This review is from: Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy (Hardcover)

I can't begin to say how magnificent this book is. It touched the core of my spirit. I give it all praises. July has really opened up to women about men, giving them understanding and guidance when it comes to men and relationships with women. Very insightful: a realization I came to in my thirties.

Women spend so much of their time, effort and energy on men, trying to change them, and make them understand us, but how can any success be achieved if we as women do not understand manhood. It is by far the best book, and the best book for the spirit to tap into a man's emotions, his spirit. Trust me, if you read the info, and learn from it, it will help the woman understand the man, and herself. I give it ten stars.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A good read, but not much new info., May 7, 2004

By 

Catherine Cheek "Kater" (Tempe, Arizona United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy (Paperback)

I read a lot of self-help books, even those not pertinent to me. This was one of the better ones I have read. William July knows how to write a compelling non-fiction book. He has the right combination between facts and anecdotes. His ideas about the 'Tin Man' are not unique, but since he used such a catchy title, I'm sure his version will be remembered more than others.
The main drawback of this book, if you're reading it to improve your life, is that it doesn't provide many step-by-step directions for opening communication with a Tin Man, or with trying to help yourself if you are one. It presents the problem, and then kind of drifts off with a "Uh, so go see a therapist..." non-answer. He provided (in the hardback version) suggestions for a panel discussion, but realistically, how many people have the opportunity or desire to invite celebrities over to discuss this? Also, his definition of a "Tin Man" is so broad, it includes even sensitive New Age guys with a hint of manliness.
If you're a man who has problems with intimacy and want to over come your issues, see a therapist instead of reading this book. If you like self-help books and want an introduction to overly-macho guys, this is a good read.