Customer Reviews

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study

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1 star:		(8)

 

 

Having suffered through an unwanted divorce twenty years ago, and having taken on the full responsibility for raising my two children (ages 10 and 13 at the time), "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" was a welcomed book by me and my children.

My children have continued to experience divorce related issues as they have moved into adulthood. Maturity, relationships, marriage, and parenting have been catalysts for the emergence of feelings that were buried and denied. Judith Wallerstein's excellent book provides the context and structure for my adult children to explore and understand their "new" feelings (and behaviors) enabling them to move-on, happier and emotionally healthier.

My children, their spouses, and I have all read "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce." We have and will continue to use the book as a resource in our on-going effort to get closure. We have all come to understand that the feelings and behaviors that are surfacing are not unique but, rather, are quite "normal" for children of divorce. This has been of great comfort for them - allowing them to cleanse the shadows of divorce and move forward with greater confidence that they are not weird.

Wallerstein has conducted a longitudinal research study of divorce dating back to the late 1970's. "Unexpected Legacy" is the third and most recent book based on the study. In previous books, she has studied the effects of divorce, not only on children, as she has in this book, but also on the divorcing parents. All of the books are "must reads" for those who are considering divorce or have divorced.

Over the years, I have had a number of people confide in me that either they or their spouses were considering divorce. My advice has always been to read Wallerstein's series to learn the variety of outcomes that can arise post-divorce and the strategies of those who faired best. Those considering divorce are all well advised to "do their homework."

These books are also a must read for anyone involved in family and/or divorce counseling - religious or secular counselors.

In "Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," the authors address the myth that the children will do fine if the parents are happy - divorced. Children, no matter how amicable and settled the parents are after divorce, suffer greatly. They lose their family, they lose control of their life (to the whims of parents and rules of courts), and they lose their childhood. All of these combine to provide a series of struggles as they move into adulthood and beyond.

Important subject areas covered in this book include:
* The ghosts of childhood - the bottomline after 25 years
* The exploitation of children by divorcing parents
* The development path to adulthood being thrown out of sync
* Pushing a child's real feelings and thoughts underground by being busy
* Children trapped by real feelings and thoughts of the break-up
* Children dealing with the loss of THEIR nuclear family; the family that created them just vanishing - a loss that will be quietly or openly mourned throughout their lives.
* Why children turn on a parent(s) years later
* Children living with and coping with chaos
* Children and low self-esteem
* The missing father or mother after divorce
* Children growing up lonely
* Relationships with the "steps" (step-parents)
* The loss of mom - whether or not she is physically available
* Court ordered visitation and its disruption of a "real" life for the children to make mom and dad complete
* Children of divorce taking the leap in relationships and marriages - the return of the relationship ghost
* The role of an intact family for modeling and shaping children whether their parents marriage is filled with joy, or loveless, or abusive
* Other residues of divorce for children - fear of loss, fear of change, fear that disaster will strike, especially when things are going well
* And the need for all involved in divorce, directly or indirectly, to be educated on all the issues that emanate from the divorce for children over their life as well as in the short term.

This will not be an easy read for many. It was not intended to be. Nevertheless, the journey this book provides will be fruitful.

I recommend this and Wallerstein's other books highly. These are an important books which will not diminish in value over time. These are classics.

This book is the latest in a series of books written by Wallerstein about children and divorce. It provides excellent insights into what children are going through. As the child of divorce myself, I found myself thinking "YES" when reading each page. Her observations about what kids are feeling were brilliant and right on target. It's an uncomfortable book -- many parents won't want to know what they're putting their children through, and children won't want to live again through feelings that they might very well not wish to examine. Nevertheless, this is an absolute must-read for anyone who cares about a child of divorce. Since adults are so much more articulate and well-connected than children, it is often only their perspectives that are heard when divorce is discussed. But children must be heard too! Wallerstein's comparisons of the children of divorce and the children of "intact" families who grew up in the same neighborhoods is also invaluable, highlighting the unique problems children of divorce face. I recommend that anyone who finds this book useful should also read THE DRAMA OF THE GIFTED CHILD and THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY. Both books deal with similar themes, and can be similarly useful in dealing with children of divorce, adult children of divorce, or adult children of dysfunctional families.

The brand new 352 page book really spells out with great insight how children are affected by divorce. Written by a true authority in the field, Dr. Wallerstein's book should be required reading for parents in troubled marriages. Kids of such marriages are OWED this information. Through her many interviews with children of divorced parents, she has learned how they really feel, how they react to divorce and how it has affected their own married lives and their children years later. Just a few of the topics covered include: When a Child Becomes the Caregiver, What If They'd Stayed Together- and What If They Can't, Family Ties, Growing Up Lonely, Court-Ordered Visiting, the Child's View, The Stepfamily, and much, much more. Dr. Wallerstein shows how many children of divorced parents actually overcome their fears and sorrows, and become loving partners and parents. Of great importance is her coverage of whether parents should stay unhappily married or to divorce, a question routinely faced by couples. This is a great book that should be read not only by parents, but all of those dealing with potential divorce situations. A very important book, that can only help the situation.

A long but worthy book recommended for anyone touched by or considering divorce. I read it as an adult child of divorced parents, looking for further clues to heal the past and become a more emotionally secure person. This book helped. It offers four in-depth case studies of two women and two men, relating the childhood and teen experiences of these four to each other and to additional observations about divorce. This manner of presentation demonstrates the kind of close personal attention and genuine interest in these children and their development(over a 25 year span) that I always wished had come from my parents. The authors do a good job of being clear about the need of children for secure parenting and give tips on how to provide it without making pronouncements about whether divorce or staying together is definitely better in a given case. (Though they do state that divorce is ultimately more detrimental to children, especially as they come of age and attempt to form their own committed relationships, than we have thus far believed.)

In addition to the compassionate voice of the authors, the real benefit of this book is the longevity of the studies undertaken. The passage of time in these children's lives and the lessons learned therefrom are a perfect counterweight to the impatient tendency of some parents who divorce to say "oh, the kids will adjust," and go right ahead doing what they think will satisfy themselves. In a tangential way, the book also opens for discussion the topic of who should be a parent, given the sacrifices and ability to put another above oneself that it almost always takes. It suggests that we ought to give brass tacks parenting tools to those people, married or divorced, who truly want to be parents, and that we ought to have more societal understanding for the foresight of those who genuinely choose not to be parents, realizing that though they love life and appreciate children, their true priorities lie elsewhere.

Two small criticisms of this book. The time format as far as when the children were interviewed is unclear, and at times possibly inaccurate. This may be to keep people from being identified, but it detracts from knowing precisely at what age certain conversations or events happened. I kept stopping to try to figure out, well if you saw him when he was 12, and then five years later, he would have to be 17, not 21....etc. Getting these details clearer would have increased the impact of the stories. Secondly, the book's concluding chapters seem underdeveloped, especially in light of the implications earlier in the book that "we'll talk about that topic later" and then not seeming to get around to address it. Perhaps a summary list of important conclusions would have helped.

Though not the final word on the critical subject of divorce, this is certainly a landmark book which I hope many will read and take to heart.

Twenty-five years ago, my parents got a divorce. It happened early enough in my life that I didn't really understand why, and it's been long enough ago that I'm not entirely sure what it's meant. Reading this book was an amazing experience for me - I learned a lot about myself and about other people who've been through similar situations. I also learned things about divorce that I didn't know before. For example, I thought divorce had always been fairly common. I thought every generation was full of children who dealt with divorce. That's not the case.

It seems that my generation also likes to find "shields" to hide behind: everyone seems to want to have some external reason for his or her behavior, so that there isn't any internal responsibility for it. I was pleased to see that the author didn't treat divorce as the reason for everything that happened to the people in the book, but rather as a contributing factor. Some of the people she writes about were able to rebuild themselves and put together a happy life; others are still struggling with issues from the past.

If your parents are divorced, you may find a lot of information in this book that will help you understand what you've been through. If you are married with children and considering a divorce, you should definitely read this - as the author points out, the needs of children are all too often ignored during the divorce process, so it will be up to you to make sure that their voices are heard. Finally, if you're involved with someone whose parents are divorced, maybe you'll gain some insight into some aspects of your partner's personality. In any event, this book is well worth the price.

Wallerstein's central thesis is that despite what adults would like to tell themselves, divorce is *not* a simple, minor, or transitory matter in the life of a child. Divorce is a profound trauma that *forever* alters a child's life, often in ways unexpected. It does not at all lessen the impact that so many children nowadays are from divorced parents, either; as Wallerstein puts it, "children come single file." The divorce is just the beginning. After losing their childhood and family home, the child then has to deal with reduced--often severely reduced--parenting time from the custodial parent, who is devoting energy toward maintaining a home and rebuilding their shattered life and has correspondingly less time to spend with the child. The non-custodial parent's investment in the child often drops to a minimum--every other weekend and a month or so in the summer is no substitute for the time and attention of a live-in father or mother. On top of that, both parents are often dealing with profound emotional pain in the context of a reduced support network and often come to rely on children for support in inappropriate ways.

And the effects of divorce don't end there. In addition to losing the familial home, and (often) being forced to relocate, change schools, make new friends, etc (another traumatic event for children), the child is then often exposed to another series of transitions as one or both parents try out a rotating shuffle of new dating and/or live-in partners. If/when the parents settle on new marital partners, then the child faces yet another transition of trying to integrate the new adult/s (and possibly assorted children) into the new family. The complexity of this process increases logarithmically if stepchildren are involved. Particularly in the case of the non-custodial parent, this often means that parental investment drops still further, as the parent focuses his/her attention on building a new family with the new mate. Even in the case of the custodial parent, parental investment may suffer. Stepparental investment usually cannot substitute for this, for various reasons, not least of which is that from the child's point of view the stepparent is an interloper and imposter stealing the parent's attention from the child and taking the place of the other parent; this is particularly likely to happen if the stepparent attempts to assert authority too soon or in a high-handed way. ("You're not my real dad!" is a valid complaint.) Too often, as the adults involved rebuild their lives, children end up feeling (in Wallerstein's evocative phrase) like "leftovers from a marriage no one wanted."

Problems of adjustment are further exacerbated by rigid joint-custody arrangements which are often negotiated around the needs of the adults and do not take the children's growing and changing life patterns into account, so that children's ability to engage in afterschool activities and cultivate friendships are often curtailed by being rigidly marched off to the other parent without regard for such things as baseball games, birthday parties or practices (one child in this situation complained that she felt like a "second-class citizen"). Parents in this situation are often surprisingly deaf to the children's needs (Wallerstein presents several examples of parents who, when faced with complaints of three, four and five-year-old children, responded with, "Everyone has to make sacrifices and they do too.")

The above all mean that children from divorced parents have substantially different life experiences than children whose parents remained married. These different life experiences lead to effects that do not go away after a minor period of adjustment, but instead profoundly shape the way the child looks at the world, at romantic relationships, at parenthood, and at life in general. Children from divorced families are more likely to feel like nothing in life can be taken for granted, like nothing is ever secure (one of her informants speaks about how, even though she knows it's unrealistic, she feels like she can't ever be happy because she's always afraid that a huge catastrophe is waiting just around the corner to strike her and ruin her life). They are severely unsettled in their search for a mate by a lack of a model for building a lasting romantic relationship; instead they have the feeling that "my parents failed at this--" often multiple times, as they watched their parents try out and reject new lovers "--and therefore I will fail too. Failure is inevitable." Children of divorced parents have a much more difficult time dealing with the inevitable romantic conflict that comes with any relationship and may see very minor marital spats as a prelude to the "inevitable" divorce (so what that they think their marriage is a happy one? So what that they're in love with their spouse? Once upon a time, their parents were happy and in love too, and look how *that* turned out. The process had to have started *somewhere.*)

Although Wallerstein is far from being anti-divorce--her work with children has convinced her that in some marriages, particularly those characterized by physical violence, divorce to save the children is absolutely essential--although tragically enough the child often does not understand this and may miss the violent parent and be angry at the divorcing one--one of her main points is that in non-violent marriages, parents should seriously consider staying together for the sake of the children. What she calls the "trickle-down" theory of happiness--the idea that if the partners are unhappy the children are unhappy, and that if the adults are happy the children will be too--is not true. Children's needs and adult's needs are not identical, and children can be quite happy in a marriage where the partners are bored with each other, unhappy, or even completely miserable. If staying together for the sake of the children is simply not an option, then Wallerstein lays out some suggestions for softening the blow, including trying to minimize change for the child as much as possible--although she points out, this will only lessen the impact. It won't make the effects of divorce go away.

I have two main criticisms of this book, one specific and one personal. First, the specific one. Wallerstein has some very harsh words for the court system when it comes to custodial arrangements, and while I can see her point that the system is far from ideal, I feel that she doesn't give the courts enough credit. The courts take over when the parents involved cannot or will not come to an agreement on their own, usually due to anger at each other. Because of this, the parents are so caught up in their own emotions that they themselves will not put their child's best interests first. It then becomes the role of the courts to "lay the smack down" and force through a deal, but it has to be one that both parents will accept. How is a court supposed to *make* a parent put his or her child's interests first? Sadly, work trumps extracurricular activities--for good reason. Wallerstein also blasts the courts because she claims they make it difficult for parents to speak up for children's interests, since one parent that complains is often accused of harboring anger at the other, but the fact of the matter is, that this is a real problem. Children and custody can be and all too often are turned into weapons against the other parent. As someone once said, "Custody does an even better job than divorce of turning human beings into insects." Pretty often in Wallerstein's own examples, the custodial arrangements could have worked a lot better if either parent was willing to be a little bit more flexible, but sadly, neither of them were. I think it's telling that Wallerstein herself, for all her harsh words for the court system, is unable to offer specific suggestions for reforming things, besides one proposal (a very good one) that parents who seek some custodial rights after a prolonged absence from the child's life should take time to reintroduce themselves first and that some sort of advice should be provided on how to relate to children who have changed considerably since they last knew them. A second proposal--that custodial arrangements should be renegotiated on a year-by-year basis--sounds good, but I am somewhat dubious; if parents were unwilling to put the child's needs first at the time of the initial agreement, I see no particular reason to think they would later on, especially as both of them move on to form new lives with new mates.

The personal criticism is more of a wish: Wallerstein deals with children who were very young at the time of the divorce and who resided with their mothers after custody. I was in my teens during my parents' divorce, and the father had custody. While a great deal of what Wallerstein said resonated with me, I would still have liked to see more about children in my situation. It would seem obvious that near-adult children of divorce would not be affected as strongly, but I'm not at all sure this is true, and I would like to see more about it. Still, this is a *very* useful book for children of divorce, in figuring out what the effects on their lives are and why. Well done, Wallerstein.

I read this book with great interest, and learned much to add to my hands-on experience as a remarried divorced father, stepfather, and father of a child by my remarriage. I sincerely wish that I had had this book available when my first marriage failed. Interestingly, I found the parts that affirmed what my ex-wife and I had done right just as valuable and important as the parts that suggested room for improvement. I look forward to discussing this book with my two grown sons by that first marriage. The lesson for you from that experience is that whenever we, as parents, focused on what was best for the children, things worked out well. If in doubt, you should do the same. It's about the children!

Divorce affects children intensely, yet they are almost always totally innocent of causing the divorce. Past studies have suggested that many children do okay after awhile. What is new in this work is that some of the most negative effects occur for many of these children in adulthood. This happens because they see themselves as being permanently marred by divorce, almost like a genetic taint that they cannot escape. According to the author of the study, "The problem of numb feelings among grown children of divorce is serious and more widespread than I initially realized." How do you prepare for marriage when you have no good parental role model? It's obviously harder, and takes longer. This can be complicated if you had a tough adolescence without much support. You will tend to want to enjoy a real adolescence in your 20s and 30s.

This book will be of tremendous value to those who are thinking about divorcing, parents who have divorced, the spouses and potential spouses of the children of divorce, and the professionals (judges, social workers, psychiatrists, and lawyers) who work with families involved in divorces. Children need more help from parents than before the divorce. The classic advice of "don't fight in front of them" isn't nearly enough. You need to nuture your children more thoughtfully and thoroughly than before. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins can all make a difference. If possible, one of the parents should stay home with them until the children are grown, rather than working. Visitation should be flexibly determined by the child's needs, rather than by a court order. Fathers should stay involved as actively as possible in their children's lives, through common interests that can last a lifetime. The future spouses need to be understanding and supportive of the uncertainty felt by these young adults. Many more good bits of advice are in this book. As an opportunity for improvement, I would have appreciated more information about being a stepfather. What was in here was good, but it was not nearly enough.

As the authors tell us, "Silently and unconsciously, we have created a culture of divorce." "Without our noticing, we have created a new class of children who take care of themselves, along with a whole generation of overburdened parents who have no time to enjoy the pleasures of parenting." Obviously, this should be avoided. But you knew that already.

As bad as that sounds, the story gets worse. "But it's in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most. The impact of divorce hits them cruelly as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment." Essentially, these emotionally poor children often assume that they will fail to create and enjoy a stable marriage themselves, while children from undivorced households assume the opposite.

If you are like me, you will see that building stronger marriages from the beginning is a major wake-up call from this book. The pain of the alternative is too much to anyone to even consider a marriage with children that will not last for a lifetime.

This book focuses on seven examples from 131 children whose parents divorced in Marin County, California around 1971, and a comparison sample of 44 similar adults now from the same community whose parents did not divorce. Your heart will go out to each of these young people in the book, as they relate their stories -- whether their parents divorced or not. Life was hard for each of them.

Although the authors state that they are not against divorce, they do point out that there is stalled thinking in believing that if the parents are happier, then the children will be, too. The case of Gary makes the point that unhappy parents can be good parents for their children, even if the marriage isn't good for the parents.

While it is possible to read too much into a few cases and this type of qualitative research, clearly the social implications of divorce for children are not well understood. I hope that this book will help people to better understand how to relieve children's pain and help them to lead happier, healthier, more productive lives filled with love.

If you know someone whose parents are divorced, I suggest that you use this book to show them some special appreciation and understanding by being more emotionally supportive of them.

Before you marry (and certainly after you do), I also suggest that you and your spouse read and use Relationship Rescue and The Relationship Rescue Workbook to help you build a foundation for your relationship that does not lead to divorce. That's the best lesson of all!

May all be and feel loved!

Judith Wallerstein has been tracking children of divorce for over 25
years now, and she doesn't like what she sees. Nor should we. Despite
all the rhetoric and denial by the feminists and the detractors of
marriage, divorce hurts children, and it hurts them even when they
have long ago ceased being children.

Judith Wallerstein, from the
University of California in Berkeley, first wrote of the effects on
children of divorce in her 1980 Surviving the Breakup. Then in 1989
she authored Second Chances. In that book she documented how children
still suffer, ten to fifteen years after parental divorce. In this
book she covers a full 25 years of the children's lives. Now, as
adults, the harmful effects of divorce are still clearly
discernible. Indeed, "the whole trajectory of an individual's life
is profoundly altered by the divorce experience".

Judith
Wallerstein began her study in 1971 with 131 children going through
parental divorce. She has managed to keep in contact with this group,
along with a control group, for a quarter of a century, thus making
her research conclusions difficult to dislodge. And the main
conclusion reached by this study is that the effects of divorce are
long-term.

Says Wallerstein, "From the viewpoint of the children,
and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulative
experience. Its impact over time rises to a crescendo in adulthood. At
each developmental stage divorce is experienced anew in different
ways. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust,
expectations about relationships, and ability to cope with
change."

She continues, "But its in adulthood that children of
divorce suffer the most. The impact of divorce hits them most cruelly
as they go in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment. Their
lack of inner images of a man and a woman in a stable relationship and
their memories of their parents' failure to sustain the marriage badly
hobbles their search, leading them to heartbreak and even
despair."

This book features seven of the original 131 children,
offering poignant glimpses into their troubled and traumatic lives as
adult children of divorce.These stories make it clear that parental
divorce is one of the worst things that adults can inflict upon a
child. While Wallerstein acknowledges that some marriages cannot be
salvaged, especially where much domestic violence is involved, most
marriages have simply been abandoned too easily and carelessly, with
little or no thought given for how the child will be impacted.

But
as many observers of contemporary culture have noted, the rights of
adults have become the greatest good, with the interests of children
and the social good largely ignored. As Wallerstein asks, "What
about the children? In our rush to improve the lives of adults, we
assumed that their lives would improve as well. We made radical social
changes in the family without realizing how it would change the
experience of growing up. We embarked on a gigantic social experiment
without any idea about how the next generation would be
affected".

Well, now we know. History and common sense should
have already told us, but now solid social science evidence can also
be presented. Divorce hurts kids, and it hurts them for a very long
time. The social policy implications of this lie outside of the scope
of this book, but clearly we need to somehow turn around the divorce
culture and return to a culture of marriage. Reading this book,
passing it on to a friend, and getting it into the hands of our
political leaders would be a good place to start.

Before leaving my husband of 17 years, I did my own study of adult children of divorce before making my decision. My findings were similar to those found in this book, but were in sharp contrast to what our "no-fault" divorce culture would have us believe. Our children are not as resilient as we would be led to believe. As much as my ex-husband would love for me to make the same amount of money as he does, while raising the kids by myself, I have chosen to live more modestly and parent full time. After reading this book and seeing how children lose their childhood so that their parents can selfishly chase their dreams, I will gladly sacrifice the coming years to ensure that my children retain what is left of their childhood dreams. There are still some Family Court Judges that believe children are half of each parent, good or bad. The book explains how children are their own individual selves, and have the capacity to live above their parents genetic material. To assume that children are fooled when we try to neutralize bad behavior and put both parents on the same level playing field, is to insult our childrens intelligence. Children are aware of selfish behavior, and not acknowledging that in the court system by making them visit a parent that has deceived them, or their other parent, is very harmful. This book does a wonderful job of showing us just how far we have gone to protect our egos from the shame of our bad behaviors, at the expense of our childrens futures. This is a must-read for every Family Court Judge and the professionals who suggest visitation schedules. Wouldn't it be admirable if the adults who made the mistakes that resulted in divorce, made it easier for the children to enjoy their childhood after divorce, instead of the children having to make it easier for the adults to escape the consequences of their selfish choices. Maybe if more people listened to the children of divorce, we might be able to leave a different "Legacy" for future generations.

Simply, this book was painful to read. I saw shades of not only my brothers but myself all throughout this book.

As a child of divorce, I heard the stories. "If your parents aren't happy together, that will only hurt you. Apart, they can be happy and be better parents to you." The author demonstrates with real accounts, not propoganda from either side of the political spectrum, that those stories are lies, through and through. Divorce hurts kids, period.

Story upon story documents that the parents and the system see children as property to be "FedEx'd" back and forth for visitation. The author argues that children are growing people, and they are the _most_ important part of a marriage. Parents should respect their stewardship of their children and consider what paths they take.

The book is also a shot across the bow of every parent contemplating divorce--take a step back and ask yourselves: for whom am I getting this divorce? Except in the most extreme cases of abuse, you act in YOUR interests only, not the children's. They are hurt by it, for many years to come.

In summary, it's a profound documentation of the selfishness of divorce and the toll that divorce takes on its most helpless participants, the children.