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The Unexpected When You're Expecting: Clear, Comprehensive, Month-by-Month Dread Paperback – September 1, 2008


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Product Details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Sourcebooks; First Edition edition (September 1, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1402213085
  • ISBN-13: 978-1402213083
  • Product Dimensions: 7.8 x 6 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 10.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (18 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,423,184 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

For ten years, Mary K. Moore worked as an editor and writer for a variety of New York publications including Cosmopolitan, Redbook, and Marie Claire. She's also written for Glamour, Self, Newsweek, and Texas Monthly, among others, with a focus on news features and essays. She's appeared on Inside Edition, New York One, Extra, Access Hollywood, and Good Day New York, speaking on topics ranging from parenting and relationship advice to celebrity news. She lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband, T.J., and their three-year-old daughter, Scarlett, and is secretly in love with motherhood.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Chapter 1

Preggers: Yes or No?
You think you might be pregnant. Immediately, you have visions of your glowing, radiant body blossoming into motherhood (except, of course, your arms, legs, butt, and face.) You'll buy a few empire-waist dresses, temporarily trade your heels for cute flats, and try to get used to being the center of attention. Think again. Welcome to invasion of the body snatchers. Only this time, it's an inside job. Congratulations. You're pregnant.

Reminder:
If you're Caucasian, say goodbye to those pink nipples, sweetie. You're headed to brown town.

WHAT YOU MAY BE FREAKED OUT ABOUT
"The pregnancy tests and my ob-gyn say no, but I just know that they're wrong. Could the doctor be messing with my head or dipping the wrong woman's urine?"

You're delusional. Snap out of it. You can always have a vagina like a garage later. Go have a drink and a cigarette-even if you're not a smoker-for all those women out there for whom fun and vices will soon be a bitter, distant memory.

Knowing for Sure: Test Time
Welcome to the section of the pharmacy you didn't know existed. Move away from the lubes and products with silhouetted lovers and go toward the cooing infants. This is because there is no truth in advertising. If there were, you'd be looking for the image of the woman slapping her forehead or molesting a pint of ice cream. And get ready to piss on your hand. If you're normal, you'll have no idea about the trajectory of your own urine. If you're a marksman, it's probably because of some bizarre sorority pledging rite, which might be why you're here in the first place.

But first you must pick a predictor. You'll find everything from off-name brands (Wee &Weep) to commercial favorites (E.P.T. Early Pregnancy Test: "What if you could know the moment you became pregnant?" or its lesser-known companion, E.P.T.E.S.P: "What if you could know if you'd become pregnant in the future?") The choices are limitless, unlike your clothing options in the months ahead.

The display results vary with each test. Thanks to nervous women glutting up the pharmaceutical company's 800-number in double-line denial, wise product engineers have devised tests that now say "pregnant" or "not pregnant." (The standard "positive" or "not positive," as it turns out, all depends on your perspective. Just ask a jubilant-then-immediately-devastated teen.)

The In-Office Verdict
Now it's starting to sink in. You know you're pregnant. You're at the clinic, for chrissake. A blood test is just going to tell the doctor what you already know-you're terribly absent-minded when you're horny.

Testing 1, 2, 3...
A do and don't guide for testing intelligence:

DO: Dispose of used wands in a covered garbage container.
DON'T: Use as impromptu hair chopsticks.
DO: Take a picture of your positive result for your scrapbook (if you've been trying for a long time.)
DON'T: Use it to construct a new wing of the dollhouse you built from years of failed tests.

DO: Test more than once for accuracy.
DON'T: Use leftover wands for cocktails stirrers.
DO: Test a few days later than your scheduled period for the most precise result.
DON'T: Test a few months later to see if God and your post-sex purity pledge made it go away.

Let's Get Physical

This will be performed by either your ob-gyn or, if you're generally misguided, a midwife. You'll be asked to position yourself on the examining table or kitchen counter (see latter) with legs in stirrups. If given the choice, ask for a male physician. Then close your eyes and pretend you had a nice dinner together. Honestly, this is the last time in many months a man will look directly at your sugar walls without silently lamenting, Do I have to? Enjoy.

Of note, it is possible to experience all of the symptoms of pregnancy and not be pregnant at all. That's either called being crazy or dating a star NFL/NBA player.

Breaking the News...
Once you know for sure, it's time to share it with the person you now have by the balls. Here are some creative ways to make it official:
- Leave the positive test on the sink and scrawl on the bathroom mirror: "Meet me at Babies "R" Us with your wallet and a U-haul."
- Give him a sterling silver rattle with "I think it's yours" engraved on it.
- Have the waiter place a personalized message in a fortune cookie: "Confucius say a third of your paycheck is now mine."

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Customer Reviews

3.9 out of 5 stars

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

Format: Paperback
This book is brilliant and much needed, a knee-slapper that rightfully makes fun of a topic we often take way too seriously.

Even a man would get a lot out of Moore's quick wit and delightfully crass straight talk. I read my girlfriend's copy and immediately recommended the book to several female friends. Maybe I even secretly bought a copy for myself...

Kudos to Moore--a book that should be read by every pregnant woman and every man who secretly wants to impregnate a woman but is too cool to admit it. Her publisher should sell dust jackets of a manly variety so we can easily hide the guilty pleasure.
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This book was so hysterical, I could not put it down. Thank goodness!! Finally-- a book for all of us well-read, tragically hip and witty, pregnant Generation-X'ers that pokes fun at all of the 'less talked about' "joys" of being pregnant. If you are sick of reading books about Pregnancy that 'sugar-coat' or 'glamorize' the entire process, and you enjoy shows like the Colbert Report, or the Daily Show, this book is for you. I've already bought copies for all of my girlfriends. Too funny to pass up.
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Format: Paperback
This is a great gift for anyone expecting or any new moms! "The Unexpected" is hilarious and says all the things that you are thinking but may be afraid to ask. I laughed out loud reading it especially at the "Baby Shower" chapter. It also has chapters on the first six months of baby's life that will help sleep deprived moms laugh a little.
I have given two books as gifts to expectant friends and have a copy for myself. I plan on having one in every baby gift basket I give!
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My first pregnancy, I wanted all the info and read through mounds of informational month-by-month guidebooks. For my second pregnancy, I just wanted a good laugh and this is it! This is the perfect book to make you laugh-out-loud at those little talked about effects pregnancy has on a woman. Buy this book if you are pregnant for the first time, the second time or the fifth (and beyond). This is definitely a must-have for your baby shower gift basket!
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By LK on December 10, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Hilarious!! Great fun for mom to be and gma to be! I'm sure it will step on some toes but not mine. I thought it was great!
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If you like humor and satire, this book is amazing. I've purchased one for every pregnant friend since I found it. I kind of hated the typical pregnancy books, and this was an amazing break from the traditional, soft spoken, positive thinking pregnancy books.
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By Jennifer Schmidt on January 4, 2013
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
but better for you to read after you give birth. This book was actually a little discouraging to read while I was pregnant. I understand sarcasm, but when you are worried about every little thing that is going on with your body, it's not much help. Overall I would purchase for your partner or for reading at the end or after your pregnancy.
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By Jen C on October 26, 2012
Format: Paperback
This is a funny book but in no way an accurate medical representation of pregnancy and birth. I recommend this for second time around parents ONLY and I think fathers would think this is more funny then mothers. For any type of accurate information I highly recommend going to ANY other source.
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