Customer Reviews

Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single

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Anybody who has practiced therapy over the last two decades has seen a real shift in the kinds of problems with which people want help.

In this book Jillian Straus gives a good overview of one of the issues that have become ever more common: finding and maintaining a stable interpersonal relationship.
She describes seven "Evil Influences" that impact many peoples' search for true love:
1. The Cult of I
2. The Multiple Choice Culture
3. The Divorce Effect
4. The Inadvertent Effects of Feminism
5. The "Why Suffer" Mentality
6. The Celebrity Standard
7. The Fallout from the Marriage Delay

I found her discussion of these convincing. Though based on a fairly small number of interviews, the case descriptions and quotations ring very true. So many people are constantly "shopping" for potential relationships, and if they find the smallest defect in a "product" they immediately want to trade it in.

A couple of years ago I was asked to advise a woman whose list of "non-negotiables" in a mate ran to over ten pages of single spaced A4. She told me how much she wanted a relationship, but she was clearly setting herself up for failure. She had received some very poor advice from a therapist who had artificially boosted her self-esteem to the point of narcissism.

Nobody would ever suggest that anyone should settle for second-best in a relationship, but for years we have been inundated with some poor and often unrealistic advice. I have known of people who have spent decades sitting at home waiting for their soul mate to come knocking on the door. The whole idea of soul mates came from a small piece of the Ageless Wisdom, and most people neither have nor need them. There are many wonderful people with whom to have magnificent relationships, without handicapping yourself with a belief that there will be always be someone else with whom the grass will be greener.

So many people are not prepared to put any effort into relationships, and believe me they do need effort. But one of the difficulties for many younger people is that they have been brought up to believe in the instant solution. So many have been given pharmacological quick fixes since they were in the cradle, so that they have been left without essential coping skills. I have seen colleagues prescribe sleeping tablets to children and adolescents, rather than counseling the young person and his or her parents on how to cope with sleep problems.

Clearly the nature of relationships is changing in ways that have not been seen for millennia. Many people are very happy to be in temporary or short-term relationships in a way that would have been unthinkable fifty years ago, before teenagers had been invented, and when people transitioned directly from childhood to adulthood, and expected job, spouse and children in short order. Gen-Xers are continuing some of the relationship revolutions begun by the Boomer Generation. But evolution and revolution rarely come free, and many people remain pained and conflicted by their basic wants and needs and the new pressures and possibilities thrust upon them.

In the final chapter Jillian has a number of very good suggestions for those who are having a hard time with the revolution, staring with burning checklists and stopping speeding through relationships.

This is not a weighty sociological treatise, and neither is it meant to be. Jillian has crafted a book that articulates a set of issues facing millions of people, and for that we should be very grateful.

I spend a lot of time reading heavy evidence-based books, so I was not sure whether this one would be for me. But Jillian writes with grace, kindness and respect, and I thorougly enjoyed her book.

If you are between 18 and 39, or if you have a friend or relative between those ages, you will likely find a great deal to educate and help you, or to offer advice to them.

Jillian Straus' "Unhooked Generation" explores, probes, and details the reasons why Gen-X singles are collectively "unhooked", even though vast numbers of Gen-Xers maintain a reverence for commitment, connection, and marriage. Straus interviewed 100 single people, between the ages of 25 and 39, living in six major metropolitan areas and from these interviews, she sought to characterize a generational atmosphere and attitude. Straus concedes that this work is not a scientific sociological study and any interpretation thereof would be inappropriate.

The book begins -- as previous reveiwers have already noted -- by chronicling why Gen-Xers are single, why they remain single for so long, and the impediments they create (conscious and otherwise) preventing them from meeting, marrying, and remaining commited to one person for life. Admittedly, this part of the book -- and it constitutes the majority of the book -- can get a bit depressing, especially when you recognize yourself (or your companion) in some of the anecdotes and descriptions. Straus presents seven major obstacles facing Gen-Xers in their quest for true love, collectively referred to as "The Seven Evil Influences", presented thus: 1) The Cult of I (me! Me! ME!); 2) Multiple Choice Culture (breadth, but not depth); 3) The Divorce Effect (paradoxically jades, yet inflates, the institution of marriage); 4) The Inadvertent Effects of Feminism (what inadvertent effects? oh yeah, the courtship guide has been rewritten and noone knows where it is); 5) The "Why Suffer" Mentality (the tendency to '86 a relationship once the *fun* and *ease* of it all has worn off); 6) The Celebrity Standard (glamourization of revolving-door relationships conceived in an environment of material excess and debaucherous living); and 7) The Fallout from the Marriage Delay (emotional baggage accumulated from previous experiences no longer fits in the overhead bin).

Sandwiched between the "Seven Evil Influences" and a chapter on "Finding True Love", Straus explores a variety of topics, including "Outrageous Expectations", "The Checklist", "The Collapse of Courtship and the Death of Romance", and "Gen-X Sex". These chapters tend to be illuminating, insightful, and dispiriting all at the same time.

The last chapter -- "Finding True Love" -- is much more upbeat and encouraging in that Straus proffers five "keys" for finding and maintaining "true love": 1) Look at Yourself First (the ancient Greek aphorism, "know thyself", also captures the message); 2) Burn Your Checklist (abandon your preconceived notions and you may, just may, find yourself falling in love with the kind of person you'd least expect to); 3) Stop Speeding (it takes time to fall in love -- most 'soul mates' are made...over time); 4) Go All the Way (dispense with the contingency plans and recognize that a truly rewarding relationship requires that you go *all* the way -- emotionally -- if you expect to reap any *real* reward); 5) Commit and Fuel the Fire (commitment can, gasp, actually fuel romantic and physical love!).

This book provides far too many memorable anecdotes, insights, and observations to list here, nevertheless, the following is one worth imparting: "Through happy couples, I learned that those who had a tremendous capacity to love, loved tremendously. Those who held back from love or were afraid of commitment and were stingy with love never loved intensely despite their loveable partners" (p.220).

This book discusses, in detail, nearly evety change I've seen in the dating scene, both from a personal perspective and that of the parent of two sons in the 18-39 year old age group.
I agree wholeheartedly with the author that good relationshps are becoming hard to find and, once found, commitments are harder to maintain.My personal take (which is brought up in the book) is that there are so many choices available now and so many ways to meet people that the impoulse to settle for one person, rather than to keep searching for someone better, is hard to resist. Also, people in this age group are juggling work, having children at a later age and (for reasons brought up in the book) difficulty in sacrificing personal needs to the compromises required in a relationship.

Of course, to a certain degree, expectations are formed by patterns seen with one's parents and this age group may be one of the first to have grown up during a time when divorce was at a n all time high. Compare that to the experiences of those slightly older than them and you'll find people whose parents didn't divorce in such large numbers, who clung to even difficult marriages for years, who fought to maintain commitments through good times and bad and , yes (mistake or not) "for the sake of the children".

Was this a good thing? I don't know but it was the reality and that reality formed the expectations and reactions of their children. I found myself going into marriage assuming it would require hard work, sacrifice and compromise on both our parts ....but do today's 18-39 year olds? I can't say but the author certainly raises some intriquing questions about that and what I'm seen among many in this age group hasn't been heartening.

But we live in a world where there is far more implied tolerance for a wider range of choices - divorce, alternative sexuality choices, etc. People can meet online or off, date one person while secretly maintaining a relationship with another, etc.

We also live in a world where our children and teens and young adults have been offered medical "quick fixes" in larger numbers than ever before. The author does ponder the effects of that, pefectly logical given the number of medicated children and young adults of today.

While there are no absolute answers to WHY the "unhooked generation" is having such a hard time finding committed relationships, I'd consider this book MUST reading for anyone who is a member of that age group - or the parent of someone in that age group. Reading this book gave me a lot of food for thought, opened my eyes about historcial and other changes which could be factors and left me feeling enlightened and less confused about the "whys and wherefores" of today's young adults.

This was an easy read and the personal interviews are valuable. It could stand as a study, or collection of interviews, of 100 singles in large urban areas from similar socio economic, educational and occupational backgrounds, and their dating/marriage habits. The author also identifies trends in dating and single life that definitely work against really finding anyone, in particular the 'list' which many relationship books blithely urge readers to develop and keep, as if we could shop for a mate the same way we shop for a gourmet recipe.

However as a reviewer above states the author makes the mistake of thinking because those her own age are experiencing something, that it's for the first time. The things the author describes are true of anyone who's experienced the single life for the last approximately 25 years. As soon as the single life became a group to market products to and since it became socially acceptable to still be single, these types of manueverings have been going on.

I have the same problem with the age cutoff that I have with other current books which trumpet the 'Generation X' brand to sell books or products, marketing the age group like a brand, instead of a demographic age category. And descriptions of a 'slightly older 41 year old' and the wispy hair of the serene 50-something [wow, that must be a *really* old person there] brings a chuckle. How exactly is the 41 yr old different from the 39 year olds interviewed for the book? And at 40-something, I know 50-somethings who dress more trendy than some 20 somethings I know. Anyway.....

There is too much emphasis given to mass media; Sex and the City and the like, while they may reflect certain mores about society, don't influence behavior to this degree, even for the urban singles from similiar backgrounds interviewed for the book. I tend to think that people respond more to larger [and more mundane] structurings like laws, financial need, or opportunity for education and careers. People are like fish and tend to go with the flow, and they tend to respond to the demands which elements of modern life now place upon them.

Idealizing our parents' marriages or an earlier period, comparing ourselves unfavorably, misses that there are legal, societal, and financial elements that make both men and women delay marriage. For example, most women these days are aware that they need their own career, as divorce laws do nothing to protect a woman who spends her life raising children, then finds herself on the other end of a divorce.

You could have many shows like Sex and the City, but if law, or circumstances or other societal conditions favored strongly the existence of marriage, it would make no difference. I do think that media reflects trends in society, but I doubt that later marriage can be attributed to Sex and the City.

As a Gen-Xer, I found myself nodding along to most of the experiences described in this book. As she listed out the 7 evil influences, I found myself a repeat offender of at least 4. It was very enlightening to read about all the ways we are self-sabotaging our happiness, with the hope that I won't continue to do this to myself. I liked her idea of being open to possibilities even when they don't initially meet your requirements. I also liked her idea of being willing to put one's career second if it's a really important relationship. But most of all, she hit the nail on the head about why we are so afraid of making definite decisions. We are looking at all the things we will be missing out on once we make a choice instead of looking at all the things one will gain. A married friend once told me how she could stay happily married and not worry about where her life is going: once she makes a choice, she sticks to it. She doesn't worry herself about all the what if's and instead, finds happiness in the choice she's made. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was on to something.

The only critiques I would give it are two things: It is important to not overlook your gut instincts about someone before you committ to a relationship. Your gut instincts are almost always right. That is speaking from my personal experience. While it's wise to close the door to "open options", make sure you do so after you are happily enamored with someone. The other critique I have is that it's not fair to blame feminism for our plight today. It is because of feminism, women are enjoying a good life today: good careers, college education, money, luxuries, fun, and the acceptance of the single life. I would rather be experiencing the problems of loneliness today than to go back to an era where women lived in silent desperation because the only role allowed them was a homemaker. I don't think women in the 50's were necessarily happier than us. I think it was less accepted by society back then to say that you were unhappy in your home. So the surveys in those years would hardly indicate the truth.

And today, more than ever, we stand a better chance of finding someone we are truly happy with than any decade before us. Sure it takes a little work, some compromises and rethinking, but I'd rather be a Gen-Xer than any other generation.

The author makes a fair effort in this book and lays out her material clearly. But the book sometimes has the feel of an "Oprah" show discussion at times, in its uncritical acceptance of what others say (the bogus James Frey biography affair comes to mind), and ironically, the author worked a stint as a producer for several years on "Oprah".

The author interviewed 100 or so Gen-Xers for their thoughts on relationships and used these interviews plus her own "singlehood" experience as a basis for the book. This is perfectly fine, but the book has a sort of standard chick lit/relationship book feel. It would have been nice to reference more solid data and research on marriage, family and relationship patterns in this age group as a "big picture" cross check against the stories of respondents.

For example, she notes the marriage dearth among black women and glides swiftly on to standard spiel about ungenerous successful black men who have all the options, and are dating white women. She notes a multi-city study showing that 78% of black men had dated outside the race at least once, versus 53% of black women. But this "evidence" seems trivial. Dated once? Out of how many dates? 1 out of 50 or even 20 is yawn territory. As far as permanent unions, black-white interracial marriages are trivial. Strauss fails to mention that they make up LESS than 1% of all marriages, about 350,000 people. This is really chump change. To put this even more in perspective, there are almost 4 times the number of gay long term couples (mostly white) if various gay activists are to be believed, as compared to black-white couples. Excited as everyone gets over the topic, the reality is trivial.

There is no "crisis" in interracial dating. It is all myth, but Strauss dutifully regurgitates the standard party line based on her interview source. Also implied in the segment about successful black men having all these options, is the notion of said successful men reluctant for committment seeking "trophy wives" among white women. This is sheer myth. In fact, a large number of interracial unions are contracted in the military services, among ORDINARY soldiers, hardly the picture of an army of high-income black "superstars" seeking "trophy" blond wives.

Strauss to her credit is critical of some GenX patterns, such as the phenomenon of "checklists" hidden and explicit. For example, while many women moan and groan about the difficulty of finding the "right" one, Strauss ironically, shows that many of these women have long "checklists" of items to measure potential mates, and some of these border on the trivial. Strauss notes that many checklists were long on the superficial, but short on things like shared, kindness and dependability. Males of course, also had a series of "checklists" for women.

Unspoken and unfilled expectations dog both sexes of genXers, with women in particular obsessing over dating etiquette and various "rule" violations. One woman for example refused a second date because the man didn't pick her up on the first date. Yet another cut off a prospect because he didn't open the car door for her, angrily blowing the car horn until he scurried around to open the door. Yet another broke off a relationship because her man joked that he won't mind being a "Mr. Mom". Interestingly enough, many GenX women place high value on physical looks, something typically associated with men. The most general desire seemed to be for "tall" men who were successful. Men too seem confused by the collapse of courtship rules, no longer expecting to pay for dates and upset when the woman didn't pony up after dinner.

Strauss notes the transitory nature of the Internet age and its tenuous online relationships, with a pattern of text messaging, e-mail and Instant Messaging sometimes replacing talking on the phone. Other problems include the "multiple choice" culture, the transitory "hookup" culture and the suspicion and distrust caused by the divorce culture. She also notes the contradictions dogging Gen Xers. Some women for example value independence and freedom, and are pulling down excellent salaries, but still expect males to be providers, and still expect them to be higher up the income ladder. She also notes the unrealistic messages, expectations and pressures of the media on women from Sex and the City to celebrities and their disposable realtionships.

Despite the problems noted above, the book's greatest strength is its clear organization, and its willingness to take a critical look at some Gen X patterns. This helps rescue it from being yet another chick relationship "complaints and feelings" type tome. The market is awash with such, mostly for female customers. This will book join the queue, but its clear writing and focus on GenXers give it a lift.

As someone in my late 30s, when I read this book, I felt like I was reading about myself or people that I know or dated. I would say 90% of what she said was true. It helped me understand and see myself more clearly. Not only that it also gave me some valuable concepts on finding and keeping the right and long lasting mate. Here are some examples of what I noted down and tagged on my desk.

"Am I willing to become the kind of person who is capable of experiencing true love? (P. 241)

"Am I willing to think of a relationship in terms of what I can give instead of what I can get? (P. 242)

We probably have heard of these things before in several other books. But somehow reading/processing them in the context of the author's narration of how we are in this society seems to make it sink in better..at least for me.

Since there is little research on the topic, the author creates her own subject pool. She finds and interviews 100 single generation Xers about marriage, their hopes, dreams and their single life.

Their common approach to marriage sounds like a consumer chosing a car. It starts with a check list of features. The models that look good are tested, engines are raced, and maybe a car is rented in the meanwhile. Any flaw is a "deal breaker". With so many models and alternative ways to spend money, the Xer waits for the next model year. Straus shows how this behavior is re-enforced by the media, dating services and peers.

The good news is that these people aren't getting married. In the past people like this did marry, and foisted a lot of unhappiness on unsuspecting partners.

The bad news is that happiness for most people is connectedness and intimacy, caring for and being cared for by someone special. The quest for the perfect outcome is deferring the dream. (Langston Hughes compared a dream deferred to a raisin in the sun.) An Xer looking for commitment in this millieu will only find frustration.

Grandparents of baby boomers died at age 65, their parents at 75 and boomers probably will make 85. It appears that fertility has been extended as well. If medical science continues to progress, and the planet stays livable, Xers will push 100. Considering this, the movement of the average marriage age from the late teens to the middle 20's isn't at all distrubing.

What is distrubing, though, are the anecdotes that come from Straus's interviews. They define a generation of loneliness and a culture of users. I know a few Xers, some are single and some are married. Among the singles, I think they would marry if they found the right person, but, I just don't see the coldness/calculation of these interviewees in my (probably not so) random sample.

This book ends on a positive note. The material is well presented. It gives the reader a lot of food for thought.

If you are a member of the generation that is the subject of this book, you will recognize a lot of the relationship problems that the author catalogues and it will not feel good. Reading this book is like hearing good advice that you have been trying to avoid. The middle section of the book, wherein the author trots out the stories of people who have, for all intents and purposes, ruined their lives, is very depressing. But the final chapter offers some success stories and some definite strategies for changing your own life. If you are in your twenties or thirties, still single and bewildered at why, read this book.

Having recently read and enjoyed the Maureen Dowd book, "Unhooked" was next on my list and did not dissappoint. I enjoyed that it wasn't stuffy, or overly pedantic, but mainly that it didn't preach. As a sex therapist and author, I've often said that we live in a culture where we treat sex lightly, but sex doesn't treat us lightly back in return. However, we must also revel in our generation's abundance of choice. The book offers answers, but also illustrates how it's much harder to make a choice than follow a rule. The stories of happy couples are also to be cherished.