Customer Reviews

The Unprocessed Child: Living Without School

5 star:		(15)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

I wish the recent disappointed reviewer would read to the end of this book, and perhaps look into some of the rigorous Unschooling discussions that are currently online, instead of making offensive personal judgments like "selfish pig" about a young person she has never met. They could change her thinking and show her that Valerie's family is not unique in their journey. There are hundreds of families engaging in the kind of parenting that Valerie Fitzenreiter so clearly illustrates, that repeatedly demonstrate results that are the exact opposite of what that reader fears: children who joyfully engage in a variety of academic or professional pursuits as they age, happily help out without being asked and actually do more than if they had assigned chores, and consistently become responsible, unselfish and socially conscious people.

I loved this book when I read it because the niche that it fills is that it is a personal story with the always-unschooled child having become an adult, rather than being written by someone whose children are still young ("school age") - although of course these are also valuable contributions to the broader picture of unschooling.

It is certainly true that this book is not a basic primer on how to approach the educational component of unschooling; those useful books also exist. This is Advanced "whole life" Unschooling. It doesn't end with not tutoring math or history. It also means abandoning the idea that children "still need to be taught responsibility and how to respect others" in favor of treating them with deep and genuine respect, modeling responsible behavior, and trusting that they will mirror how they are treated. Many Unschoolers have expanded their thinking past the merely educational, and are also beyond a lot of modern parenting and its discourses. This book is about changing your parenting on a deep thought level. Valerie shows us how she accomplished that, and the fantastic results.

In the wider parenting world the word "limits", or more usually "setting limits", is a buzz word phrase - jargon of supposedly aware parenting, which unfortunately can often be translated into "controlling the children's behavior". "Limits" can mean "what parents tolerate in their comfort zone". Similarly, the term "consequences" is often a euphemistic way of saying "punishments" - even though time outs or grounding or extra chores are orders of magnitude better than old fashioned strategies like screamed insults, shame and guilt, spanking, being sent to bed with or without supper, or being sent off to military school or ensconced in a nunnery.

Another modern parenting idea is "Give your children choices". How could this be problematic for Unschoolers? Well, I recall an episode of a TV talk show, where a very nice modern mother was enthusing about the various strategies she uses for ease of parenting and family life - her big tool was "giving kids choices" that included which color of jacket to put on. For anyone who has been around unschooling for even a little while, it just looks like manipulation. The choices aren't real, they are "practice choices" in situations that are resoundingly trivial, because the idea is to fool the kid into behaving a certain way, and any alternative outside of the two or three parent sanctioned ideas is not "given". Again, a huge improvement over no choices at all and fear-based obedience, but not as enlightened or contented as Unschooling can be.

Unschoolers are usually on a path towards real choices that their children "make" rather than being "given" or "permitted". It becomes about "creating" an environment and lifestyle where the children, and indeed the adults in the family, have the opportunity to make real choices, or dither about making them. A principles-based lifestyle, instead of a hierarchy. This is what Valerie is demonstrating.

It becomes about letting go of the need to ensure that they are "learning from their mistakes" and not have every bad result elucidated for them, as if they were too stupid to notice that they felt cold when they didn't choose any jacket. When consequences are seamlessly obvious, they need not be mentioned.

This way of living lets the thought processes behind choices stay unsullied by the suspicion that the parents are trying to manage and control. It becomes about a parent not being emotionally attached to the free advice they are able to give, when asked. Children actually trust their parents to express only truthful and plausible misgivings, and help brainstorm around those problems.

It means that the parents get to own and express their own varying comfort levels, without the rigid concept of "setting limits". It means that the children don't have to constantly look for the delineation of those limits and test their validity.

Laurie (Valerie's daughter) has discovered that her joy lies in pursuing a life (at the moment) of academic and intellectual achievement. The irony of her becoming so evidently successful by all the usual measures (ie her grade point average), is that some people are apparently irritated by Valerie's immense pride in her daughter, and the enriched life they have made. Would they feel this way about a parent having pride in their regularly parented and schooled child who became valedictorian? What they may be failing to realize is that the pride stems from Laurie having the vision and courage to pursue her individual calling - not what that particular calling has turned out to be. Other people's success will look different.

Many families are engaged in the freedom based life of advanced Unschooling. What they have in common is a greater measure of joy.

I honestly disagreed with about 80% of this book - but it was GREAT! It forced me to think about why I do what I do as a parent and teacher to my kids. Also, the 20% I agreed with had a SERIOUS impact on my parenting. This book teaches a parenting style that is totally child driven which I didn't agree with yet there was so much grace and respect for children as people that I was forced to see where I was not respecting my own kids (much to my own suprise) and how to improve on my relationships with each of my 4 kids. Agree or disagree, this author makes you think about why you do what you do with your kids!

As a strong proponent of attachment parenting and a rather radical unschooler, this book was a BIG disappointment!!! I bought this book after reading the reviews and wish I hadn't paid more than $1 for it. While the title "The Unprocessed Child" accurately describes Laurie's upbringing, this book shouldn't be grouped with other unschooling literature. The author, while cherishing the close bond she has with her daughter, reminds me of the mother in "Love You Forever" who sneaks across town and climbs into her grown son's room at night to spend time with him--sweet but a bit creepy. The fact that she admits that she even went to college at the same time as her daughter so she could spend more time with Laurie pretty much says it all. The mother clearly has her own issues that I hope she allows herself to work through and heal from now that she's not spending 24/7 with her only child. We have been unschooling each of our four children since birth --challenging temperments and all--and I feel very privileged to spend so much time with them as they discover how exciting it is to decode and discover the world around them. If you want to read a GOOD book about unschooling without unsupported platitudes and preaching in almost every chapter, I would recommend "Homeschooling our Children, Unschooling Ourselves". Those authors offer more balance and eloquence than Ms. Fitzenreiter.

I am an ultra AP/unschooling mom, and I expected this book to further cement my decision to unschool. Instead, I have to agree with every dissatisfied review that is written here. I would also like to add two other comments that have not been mentioned. First, the author is judgmental and critical of every parent that makes even one decision that differs from her own. I am pretty radical by mainstream standards, and even I felt myself offended at times!

Second, the book is amazingly hypocritcal throughout. Case in point: the author devotes an entire chapter to the importance of modeling honesty and avoiding white lies. When I read this, I laughed out loud because the author's daughter (in her preface to the book) plainly states that they outright lied to the state authorities. She actually uses the words, "We told white lies." Then, a few chapters into the book, her mother is touting the importance of avoiding such behavior. Oops!

I have a bookshelf full of AP, homeschooling, unschooling books that I refer to frequently. I actually read this book all the way through just to see if it ever improved. Unfortunately it did not. When I finished it, I put it in the recycle bin.

Society's Child
childhood aches and childhood pain
Bullies all around my tears cried in vain
World full of reminders that I just ain't good enough
Parents and teachers add to it, and making me tough
If I could go back and choose how things might be
I'd choose to be a child who's loved and cherished and free

This was my first reaction after reading this book. Far to many children have been deprived of a childhood before they have grown. Most of us have had to heal from our childhoods before we could start living. In today's society children who are made to run around and play are chained to a desk. As adults we get to come home from work and do what we choose, as children when we come home from school we still have chores and then homework. When do they really have time to just be. Reading this book gives me hope for future generations... People often say that babies should come with a manual and this fits the bill. It's about time someone taught us what it means to be a loving parent. I beleive that very few of us have the guts and stability it takes to raise a child right, myself included. Although my son was 16 when I read this book using it's phylosophies gave me more patience and improved my relationship with him. This book also made me a better person and helped me heal from many of my childhood aches and pains. I not only wished it was available when my son was a baby but I wish it was available to my parents as well. Changes occur slowly in our world but hopefully someday every child will know what it's like to be raised loved and cherished and free. Thank you Valerie for sharing your story , you are one of those rare people who did something positive to change the world by challenging the norm.

We have been "unschooling" since birth- not radically, but very child led. I was disappointed in the broad generalizations made by this author seemingly based on her expierience with her one female child. Having 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls- I just don't see her particular method of unschooling working for every child or all families. It seemed to me that nearly each chapter had some sweeping statement about "all children" "we parents" etc. I'm glad it worked out so well for her and her girl- but I'd love to see her take my 3rd child- a boy and have it work out just the same. She seems to not recognize that all children are different and while her radical unschooling and unparenting worked for her- it is not as one sided as she presents it to be.

We are an AP family, homeschoolers, with a definite leaning toward unschooling. I expected to love this book, and yet it ended up going in the trash because I couldn't even bear to pass it on to someone else. The author practically has her judgment of anyone who does things differently than she did dripping from the pages. All I could think of as I read it was "Well, sure you can do that if you only have one child." The moment you enter a sibling into that environment you have chaos. I think it's absolutely wonderful the author was able to raise her daughter the way she did. I would have appreciated it better if I hadn't felt that she feels very superior to anyone who does otherwise.

I have read and reread this book. I loan it to friends and give it as gifts. This book describes how parenting should be. How we should live with our children, not waiting for what they might become. Enjoying every moment in life. This is a great example of peaceful parenting, respecting children for the individuals they are. With the goal to support that individual watching their life unfold in front of your eyes. Every child should be treated with the same respect, trust and dignity as Valerie's child. What a wonderful testament to the parent child bond. What that bond should be. What unschooling is truly about. What a wonderful book. I can't recommend it enough.

Fitzenreiter didn't much care for the way she was raised, and determined to do better by her own child, mostly by respecting her right from the very beginning -- or almost the beginning. She learned sleep training was a bad idea quite quickly.

The opportunity to read a mother write what it was like to raise her child in an attached, respectful, non-violent, not emotionally transgressive way is a positive answer to the question: but how else could we raise children? It is not the only one, and it is one that only a certain kind of mother should even contemplate. There are plenty of good mothers -- and good parents -- who aren't inclined to spend that much of their day at home, with or without their child.

It takes a woman of strong moral principles, with firm opinions, to buck the Bible Belt and raise a daughter the way Fitzenreiter raised hers; the reader will almost immediately discover this from the tone of the book. I found the authorial voice refreshing and often inspirational. I finished some chapters with a loud cheer. Your mileage may vary.

I especially respected Fitzenreiter for noting some of the things she would have done differently. She made a strong effort to make sure her family ate healthy meals (a major accomplishment anywhere, and a particularly significant achievement in her region); she wishes she had made a similar effort for exercise and physical activity.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book. It was well written, concise, and gave a good idea of what it's like to unschool a child. The mother had a lot of ideas about parenting that seemed to go along with the way I thought it would be ideal to raise a child. It made me wish she had been my mother because I would've loved to have been raised with that kind of parenting. She was not only a mother to her daughter, but she was a friend as well.

I do wish she had gone more into how she handled the state requirements for schooling and how she avoided being harassed by the school system for not having her daughter in a structured learning environment. It would've given me a clearer idea of how I could avoid it myself.