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An Unquenchable Thirst: Following Mother Teresa in Search of Love, Service, and an Authentic Life

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"An Unquenchable Thirst" is a memoir of the twenty years that Mary Johnson, a young woman from Texas, spent in the Missionaries of Charity, the order begun by Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Entering the convent at age 19, Mary found herself in a community steeped in pre-Vatican II spirituality. Spiritual practices one associates more with the Middle Ages, such as wearing chains and whipping oneself nightly, were commonplace. One was expected to give oneself over totally to the will of one's superiors, and novices were taught that to question the superior or the Church was to question God. As the author tells it, mind control was practiced by those in authority, all in the name of fidelity to God. Inevitably, shame, guilt, and even mental illness followed. Most of the young women in Mary's class could not live under such conditions and left the order, but Mary and one other in her class remained.

An intelligent and compassionate person, Mary was sent to study in Rome, where she excelled. At the conclusion of her studies, she was put in charge of a group of novices, a job she handled well despite her own growing doubts and awakening sexuality. Pursued by an aggressive younger nun to whom she was attracted, Mary experienced sexual feelings for the first time. Knowing that she has violated her vow of chastity, Mary turns to her confessor, a sympathetic young priest with whom she eventually falls in love. Because the sisters are discouraged from having human friendships, it is difficult for Mary to tell the difference between the simple need for human connection and more complicated sexual attraction.

At the same time, a political coup was underway in the community. The ultra-conservative and anti-intellectual first and second councillors managed to have all the sisters who were studying at Rome's Regina Mundi university removed under the pretext that a priest there was teaching doctrine contrary to Church law on abortion. This is the last straw for Mary, and she requests a leave of absence, to the shock of everyone in the community, including Mother Teresa, who herself urges Mary to stay.

This memoir is amazingly detailed, and although the author admits that conversations are not verbatim, they have the ring of truth. I kept wondering if Mary had kept a journal or diary during her time in the community. I was also struck by the fact that Mary never excuses herself when she makes a mistake or does the "wrong" thing; indeed, I think she is far too hard on herself. That said, at 539 pages, the book is overlong and could have used a good editor. Still, it kept me interested. I was happy that Mary eventually found joy in marriage and career outside the community. I was also interested in the fuller portrait of Mother Teresa, who emerges as a more complex human being with great sanctity but also human flaws and blind spots.

Readers who are interested in a look into Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity will enjoy this book, though some may be dismayed if they view Mother Teresa and her order as perfect. Likewise, very conservative readers may be put off by some of the content. I recommend "An Unquenchable Thirst" to open-minded readers who see the world in all its complexity rather than in black and white.

I had hoped when ordering this book that I would read about nuns out in the field helping the poor in foreign countries. As a nun, Mary Johnson, was mainly involved in the training of those women wanting to become nuns. Mary did spend some time with the poor in America and Canada but most of the book deals with training nuns and those administering the training, with the negative side of this being emphasized. I was particularly disheartened to see that mortification of the flesh was practiced - self flagellation and wearing chains with spikes: " That evening I took the discipline with more force than usual. The next morning when I fastened the chains around my arm and waist, I pulled them tight." I was also dismayed that many of the things that turned me away from the church in an earlier time frame than this book were still going on. So many of the nuns were totally unliberated, trained in complete obedience and not given schooling except in cathecism. Many of the nuns were cruel in their training and some were "seriously unhinged" as Mary later states.

The new aspirants were quickly taught that touching or friendships were strictly forbidden. (later in the book she has Mother Teresa complaining about all the hugs she would get) The nuns of this order still shaved their heads and didn't wear shoes inside until AIDS appeared in the world and it wasn't known how it was contracted. A certain nun who was sexually and emotionally abusive to other nuns, including the author, was allowed to stay in the order despite compete knowledge of her actions by Mother Teresa. Mary, or Sister Donata, entered as a teen who thought she was ugly, and did have a mostly non-carnal relationship with a priest which to me was so understandable. To be cut off from human touch and even contact with her family (why didn't her family write to her?) was inhumane. Her family did once send her a cassette tape to listen to but the order did not own such a thing and she was forbidden to bring it to any house that had one.

When nuns in Beirut called Mother Teresa to tell them they were under fire, Mother Teresa's answer was: "Are you dead yet? Call me when you are dead." When one young nun who had a severe depression, certainly not helped by this type of unfeelingness, lay down upon Sister Donata/Mary, just seeking closeness, another nun walked in and spread the rumor that never left Sister Donata that they were '"fornicating".

When confessing to a priest that she had been struggling with sexual desires for several years she is told she is a sex addict and referred to the precepts of AA to overcome this.

This is definitely a very negative and disheartening book. I am amazed and sorry that the author spent 20 years of her life in this state, twenty years that led her to atheism. That's the greatest sorrow of the book.

I was interested in reading this book because I, like the author, spent some of my life in the convent (me, 7 years). I was able to jump in from page one and understand where Ms. Johnson was coming from. This book highlights the dynamics of a religious community / order seemingly stuck in "adolescence" exhibiting some of the behaviors, rituals, and mannerisms that seem irrational to those looking in from the outside. Many things are done "in the name of God" but executed with human imperfection. This book touches on instances of this over and over again. The reader will get a good taste of some of the rigors of religious life.

I admire the author for being so candid and telling her story and sharing her vocation with the world. This book must not have been easy to write and much of it must have been cathartic. Having come from some similar experiences (the humanity of living in community), some of the book hit home just a little harder than I expected.

Mary's journey to her vocation is told in a readable and gripping style. Her vocation felt very much like my vocation and anyone who has experience with religious life will feel certain twinges that others may not feel or totally understand. Still, the book is an awesome look inside the walls and the psyche of living within a religious community and being a Nun. Through love and dysfunction Mary shares her story and journey.

A revealing and insightful account for sure.

Thank you for sharing Mary! A great read!

WOW! What an eyeopener this book is! As far as the author goes, I give her writing style, honesty, content and story all 10s! It was VERY engrossing for me; I could hardly put this book down!

I also (like many other reviewers) wanted to read this book to learn more about Mother Teresa, and I did learn a great deal. She wasn't the main topic of the book by any means, but there was enough about her to make it very worthwhile.

I'm not Catholic (grew up in Lutheran school and going to a Pentecostal church, with some Presbyterian throw in from my Ma), but I studied Catholicism intensely at one time in my life, and found a great deal of comfort in it. However, after reading this book, with all the things that went on in this Order, Mother Teresa's order even, I'm just stunned! I do not believe that sisters should have to ask permission to write a letter, or should have to ask permission monthly to do anything in general. Some of the things they have to ask permission for (and have permission denied lots of the time) is just ludicrous!

I think the writer of this book concentrated a bit too much on things physical (sexual) while she was in the order. But on the other hand, I really think that was the fault of the order itself. I have studied a lot about Jesus in my day, and never once have I seen him say to torture yourself for the good of others. I don't believe that self flagellation is what religious orders should be about; it is just wrong. I thought the whole point of the Missionaries of Charity was to give of yourself and help others. But apparently that could only be done by torturing yourself in almost every way possible. I find this terribly wrong, and actually disturbing. I mean, if MOTHER TERESA'S ORDER did things like this, then where is the rest of the world?

I also find it just ridiculous that someone should enter this order to help the poor, and wind up never even going out to DO that, but be told over and over that that is the will of Jesus, etc. At every turn Sister Donata is made to do things she doesn't want to do and never allowed to do things that she DOES want to do. I do not believe that this is how the life of someone should be who dedicates their life to serve. I think that the ''This is the will of _____'' and ''You must be obedient to _______'' is baloney, and shame on the people in charge for doing this! I believe in some of the things that the orders do and stand for. But I don't believe that they should torture the people who are there for them. I feel this is abusive and evil. The sisters were all so willing to give up so much, and love so much, and do so much. My gosh, the order should have been THRILLED TO PIECES to get people like this, and should have loved and encouraged their members, instead of trodden on their very hearts and souls. This is such a waste of something that was so precious and so rare. This order was riddled with people who were just awful. Nothing shows this more than the sister who was sexually harassing other nuns, and if they said anything about it, they were in trouble for saying such a thing about a sister and trying to ruin her reputation. These sisters were AFRAID and bullied. It is SO not right!!!

When I read this book, the whole thing shook me. I always thought this order was above reproach and filled with more love than you could find anywhere on earth. Not true at all.

But what disturbed me the very most, to my core, was in the Epilogue, on page 532. Here are two quotes from that page, which speak for themselves:

''Of her relationship with God, Mother wrote to one of her early spiritual directors: 'I call, I cling, I want---and there is no One to answer---no One on Whom I can cling---no, No One, Alone . . . The loneliness of the heart that wants love is unbearable.' When I first read that phrase from Mother, it broke my heart.''

And also:

''In 1959, she wrote, with her characteristic proliferation of dashes, 'Where is my faith?---Even deep down, right in, there is nothing but emptiness and darkness . . . ---I have no faith. --- I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart---& make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me---I am afraid to uncover them ---because of the blasphemy.' ''

I am very glad I read this book, and highly recommend it. (But do be ready at times to get so mad that steam comes out your ears!!!)

To say I think this is an extraordinarily important book barely scratches the surface. My own personal conviction, expressed in many different contexts over the past several years, is that humankind is indeed at a crisis point with respect to the spiritual development of our planet. With all the new technology, we will either enter an era of genuine enlightenment, or we will succumb to utter chaos and the destruction of all civilization. The factor which will determine the outcome is whether or not we truly understand the meaning of compassionate, non-competitive love.

Mary Johnson's spiritual memoir can best be described by saying it exhibits agonizing honesty and integrity. She begins by depicting herself as a seventeen-year-old girl, completely overwhelmed by the vision of Mother Teresa of Calcutta as portrayed by the popular media. Desiring to deepen her relationship with God and to live a life of selfless love and service to the poor, in 1977 Johnson joined the Missionaries of Charity. What she encountered, however, was far different than what was described by the popular press. It was also very different from her experience of growing up Catholic in the post Vatican II Church in America. The Order emphasized living with and like the poor they hoped to serve; Johnson was prepared for this and even excited at the prospect, willing to suffer whatever deprivations were called for so she could grow in compassion and understanding. What she was NOT prepared for, and indeed could never come to fully accept during her twenty years of profession in the MC's, as she abbreviates the name of the Order, was the pettiness, politics, power plays and downright cruelty perpetrated by some of the superiors.

What to me was most important about this book, however, is that it focuses in sharp contrast the difference between the rhetoric of love and service and the actual practice of training these nuns to conform to "the Rule". This was the era following the Vatican Council, when Catholics in many countries were beginning to awaken to an entirely new perspective on their personal calling to live out their relationship with God as mature, intelligent and responsible adults. However, it seems that aspirants and novices in the Missionaries of Charity were being subjected to the most stringent and debasing forms of - well the only term that really fits is bullying. The ideal, it seems, was that they would become "Brides of Christ Crucified", not creative servants of their Risen Savior. Even more startling to me was the fact that although all "loving touch" between members of the Community was forbidden, indeed, considered to be a major violation of "the Rule", Sisters were encouraged to utilize self-flagellation and other severe forms of physical penance. How could it have possibly escaped understanding in this modern age that self-abuse in the form of self-inflicted pain is far more likely to be damaging to one's psychological and spiritual health than masturbation would be? And yet the former was encouraged, while for the latter, extreme shame and penance was imposed.

Eventually, of course, Mary Johnson realized that the reactionary elements in the Church were going to make it impossible for any positive change to occur. Mother Teresa was ill, and the nuns who took over the guidance of the Missionaries of Charity were far more notable for their strict observance of Canon Law as they perceived it than for their willingness to interact with their own sisters in a charitable and compassionate mode. Beset with illness of her own, and finally having lost faith in the entire system, Johnson left the order. In the epilogue to her book, she describes a brief encounter with her former sisters in 2007 at the time of the 10th anniversary of Mother Teresa's death. I will quote a bit of it here to conclude this discussion and give a flavor of her writing style. One of the current leaders of the Order, Sister Prema, asks to speak to her privately. Trying to rationalize Johnson's departure, she says:

"You were tired, isn't that it? You were capable and we gave you too much work, and you were tired."

"Well, yes, I was tired" - I don't tell Sister Prema that it took nearly four years for me to begin to feel energetic again - "but it wasn't mostly that. I felt I was dying a little every day, and I couldn't believe God wanted that."

"But suffering is an important part of our life." She says these words with certitude and generosity. I once said these words.

"Yes, but I wanted to live fully, and I thought God wanted that too. I still want life." (p. 535)

And that, in a nutshell, is why I believe this book is so valuable. My perception is that God does NOT want meaningless human suffering, especially not of the self-inflicted variety. God doesn't want people in charge to do the opposite of what Jesus did during his life and ministry, and impose rule upon rule and law upon law. If we can't be loving and compassionate to those who are working and living with us, committed to the same ministries we are, but instead try to enforce our own will and claim it is God's will, we are doing the exact opposite of what I believe Christ commissioned us to do. And, if we cannot love ourselves and the neighbors whom we see and the families we live with, I believe we haven't a chance of loving people in far-off places with different cultural norms or the God who is often hidden from us except in those who, as Jesus said, need our compassion. As Johnson perceived but struggled with for most of the twenty years of her profession, God's love is all-inclusive, not anti-sexual and not demanding of the type of obedience that negates free will and honesty. To quote another favorite saying of mine, "To be human is to love, and to love is to suffer," but that means to bear the inevitable trauma of the human condition with as much generosity and grace as possible, not to seek to worsen it by deliberate acts of cruelty and domination.

Spending twenty years as a nun in one of the strictest religious orders, in the most austere living conditions doesn't sound like a very interesting or even an inspirational life story. But it was! A page turner? Absolutely! Once I picked up the book, I simply couldn't put it down, carrying it with me, snatching a few minutes whenever I could to read "what happened next." The events, the people then Sister Donata encountered, and most of all her daily experiences simply came alive in the pages of this book. Each chapter had little nuggets of insight and I frequently marked phrases worth re-reading.

As a practicing Catholic and admirer of Mother Teresa, I wanted some insight into Mother Teresa's order; the daily lives of the sisters, where and how they served and what kind of woman could follow such a seemingly grim life. I hoped the book would not be a hatchet job, a way of retaliating against a world now rejected by the author Mary Johnson. And I hoped it would provide some insight into the crisis of faith that was reported following Mother Teresa's death. It was all this and more, truly compelling, fascinating and in some ways simply horrifying. A few of the practices, the "discipline" for example absolutely disgusted me. The over emphasis on "The Rules" would have put a first century Pharisee to shame. As the author noted frequently, the energy and passion that should have been focused on serving the poor were often diverted to concerns about curtain length or priests' liturgical inconsistencies. The politics, sabotage and jealousy seen in any organization are not missing simply because this is a religious order. If anything, it simply proves that human nature is a powerful force than cannot be tampered down by religious beliefs, dedication to a mission or culture. The women of this order were amazingly normal in their feelings, hopes, dreams and actions. That their lives were literally controlled from the moment of waking until after night prayers did not control their minds or emotions. They rejoiced, felt anger and resentment, grieved, loved and hated---inwardly--while their outward lives were a model of obedience and decorum. In spite of the hardships, the frustrations and the health issues that were ignored or celebrated as a way of following in the steps of Jesus, Mary Johnson found love, joy and inspiration as well.

Along with the fascinating story of Mary Johnson's journey from a Texas teen to a religious sister, were amazing vignettes into a variety of cultures, countries, and conditions. Your journeys include taking pilgrimages to Rome, meeting Mother Teresa and the Pope, living in a Washington DC slum, setting up community services in the Bronx and travelling to Sweden with Mother Teresa herself. Mary Johnson's writing puts you in the scene, the sights, smells, sounds and the people are incredibly real, providing real challenges for the MC's. The sisters had to bridge language barriers, racial and cultural gaps wherever they went. In an early story Sister Donata was shocked to realize that the African American children she worked with were terrified of white people. A bit of hot dog diplomacy broke the ice when the children refused to leave the safety of the bus that had taken them from their neighborhood into a white middle class suburb. The sisters were similarly effective convincing Italian Gypsy parents that their children would benefit from interaction with the world. The sisters walked the mean streets of Italy and the U.S., helping outcasts of society feel the care and dedication of the Missionaries of Charity. As Mother Teresa stated frequently, being unwanted is the greatest poverty of all. While it was hard not to be repelled by some of the situations and expectations, clearly the service of these sisters among the most destitute is a tribute to Mother Teresa's inspiration. Their lives did make a difference and it was those moments, serving the poor that the author felt closest to Jesus. In the end though, the inability to express physical love, the frustrations and politics made her feel that she was dying a little every day. Sister Donata returned to life as Mary Johnson. If there is any criticism of this book, it's that the gap between leaving the order and the final chapter where the author is happily married provides many unanswered questions. Maybe the subject of a future book? If so I'll be among the first to read it!

It is fascinating to read everyone's reviews of this book after having had such a profound experience reading it myself. For me, this book tells a story of the inevitable difficulties that arise when a group of imperfect human beings aspires to such high ideals.

The author entered the convent at 19 with a sincere faith and strong desire to serve the poor...as the story unfolds, we see various events, confrontations etc. slowly chip away at these attitudes. I myself was really impressed with the author's ability to always find some kind of spiritual fortification in life as an MC, even as things became more and more confusing and human imperfection challenged those high ideals in so many ways. Over the years she was able to adjust the rigid rules in her own mind enough that she could continue to be of service, even when facing political maneuvering, loneliness, illness, exhaustion, and at times what seems like downright cruelty, as she recounts it. Despite her overall disappointment with the darker aspects of that life, she continued to (I think) basically love and respect Mother Teresa to the end. I see her as being a very resilient and caring person.

I know that religion is an exceedingly delicate thing and so personal....I can certainly understand that some would be offended by this book, but I found it gripping (electrifying, even,) shocking, horrifying at times and yet somehow deeply heartening...again, a story about human ideals and imperfections, told so effectively... A really excellent book.

There is a Talmudic saying that God gave the rules in the black letters written in the Bible, but the white spaces around them are where God shows illumination of the spirit. Mary Johnson was fascinated by the illumination, the love that God inspired, from the moment when as a teen she saw Mother Teresa's eyes in a Life Magazine cover. She left college to become a Missionary of Charity, a nun in that order to serve the poor. Instead she finds a life where obedience to rules, preoccupation with the niggling details of convent life and a glorification of often pointless suffering overpowers the mission of caring. The sisters live a harsh life, eating rice and soups made from rotting vegetables that otherwise would have been grocery store garbage. They wore thin cotton saris and went barefoot, even in the north, until the fear of AIDS allowed sandals. They had to ask permission to brush their teeth, write a monthly letter home, eat, speak and do any number of trivial things: a general permission once a month allowed many of theses activities, but could be denied. No touching was permitted- not even a squeeze of the hand and even conversation between the sisters was highly regulated. Sisters suffering from disease or mental depression went untreated because suffering was considered superior. Whips and a painful chain to go around the arm or thigh were used to cultivate spiritual discipline. The sisters were encouraged to spy on priests who might make the smallest changes to liturgy under the guise of preserving the faith but were not allowed to assist their arguably primary mission of helping women and children in their shelter by developing a job training program. Charity, for a month, was seen as superior to teaching self-sufficiency to the poor.

As Mother Teresa ages, the hard line sisters from India seem to have won the internal politics. Education was not only stopped- simple catechism was considered sufficient knowledge, but sisters were told to denounce one of the teachers of moral theology, causing the closure of the only Vatican college for women religious. (The teacher's sin was considering what reasons a woman might consider for having an abortion, which would allow the nuns to help change her mind.) He was later exonerated, but withdrawal of the MC sisters caused the college to close. The experience left a bad taste in Sister Donata's (Mary's) mouth and combined with sexual tensions and Mother Teresa's allowing a sexually predatory nun to take vows after repeated complaints, she needed to leave.

Sister Donata had a vision of a loving God, who valued the beauty of life and wanted suffering alleviated. That was a different God than Mother Teresa was championing, one who used suffering as a mark of spiritual achievement and required obedience and constancy to get through the black nights. Once Sister Donata understood that her concept of God was different, and that the sisters who were taking control of the order held spiritually incompatible ideas, then she requested a leave from the order. She had spent 20 years with the Missionaries of Charity.

The book is well-written, spiritually challenging and engrossing. I highly recommend it.

As a professor of writing, I urge my students to take risks, to push themselves into new territory, to exchange safety for growth. This is the hard work of writing - and living! I greatly admire Mary Johnson for taking huge risks both in the narrative act of living her life and in the narrative act of writing her memoir, An Unquenchable Thirst. This is a beautifully written memoir about what it means to be human in the face of challenging circumstances and difficult choices. Reading Johnson's powerful story reminds me how hard the work of love is and how crucial it is that we do this hard work - as readers, as writers, as humans. I am grateful to Johnson for this gift to others. I highly recommend this book to both individual readers and also to reading groups - it may just inspire you to tell your own story!

PROS: Mary Johnson is a gifted writer. Her biography makes an amazing story. There is enough conflict, sex, violence, inner turmoil, and plot twists and turns in this book to arrest the attention of most readers. I found myself staying up late and turning off the TV so I could follow her story. Her tale rings true.

CONS: Johnson's tale rings true, but it also rings of bias that is passed along to the reader. She finds so many faults with those in the church hierarchy that somewhere between page 1 and page 539 the reader begins to wonder if that many people can be that corrupt. I have spent considerable time inside the cloistered halls of monasteries. Those, mostly monks, that I spent time with have wrestled with the same sorts of struggles that everyone else wrestles with. Over a period of the 20 plus years I have visited in monasteries, I could tell some stories that have resemblances to some that Johnson tells, but they are not the norm. Most of the monks were just people dedicated to the religious life. By the way, I could also tell some similar tales of the organization where I work, or my family, or my friends through the years. So could you.

VERDICT: This book will be lauded or hated by those who have preconceived biases that are affirmed or betrayed by the book. Most others will find the book a fascinating read, but withhold judgment as to whether the author might have gone a little overboard by painting caricatures of the main characters.

SO WHY DO I GIVE IT 5 STARS? This book will stay with you. It will grab your attention, plant itself in your memory, color your future opinions, and last long after the memory of other books fade away.