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Unusually Stupid Celebrities: A Compendium of All-Star Stupidity Paperback – May 1, 2007

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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.



Celebrities on the World Around Us

Celebrities are like superheroes—they are powerful beings who can use their special skills for good. Or evil, for that matter.

So let us take a look at how celebrities use their power on the world stage.

Celebrities Solve All the World’s Problems, Part 1

It is terribly easy—and terribly unfair—to dismiss celebrities as mere pretty faces. These people are thinkers and carers and doers. Like so many of us, they worry about the world of today, about the pressing problems we face. And, as so-called “creatives,” they are chock-full of extremely creative (not to mention innovative) suggestions on how to solve these problems. We are shocked, shocked, that no one has ever acted upon these ideas.

Let us take a look, then, at some of the most pressing problems existing in the 21st century—and the solutions proposed by various celebrities.

World Problem #1: Terrorism

Celebrity Solution: Put “all the mean people” in a special terrorist country

Tara Reid is one helluva prognosticator. In fact, we wonder why she has never been a talking head on CNN. (Open note to CNN: Sign this gal up!) After the London terrorist subway bombings, she came up with a sage idea on how to prevent further terrorism:

“I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we’d have no terrorists left. Like, don’t kill innocent people for no reason. It’s not fair. We love everybody. We’d even like them if they said they’re sorry. It’s not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.”

And this makes us sad too.

World Problem #2: The high crime rate

Celebrity Solution: Nudity on television

Why listen to endless debates about the pros and cons of gun control? The issue, apparently, isn’t about bearing arms, but baring arms . . . and breasts . . . and everything else. Or, to put it more succinctly—as rapper and erstwhile social reformer Nelly sums it up:

“I could turn on just about any television channel in Europe and see full nudity. And their crime rate is a lot lower than ours. Go figure.”

Excellent point, Nelly!

World Problem #3: The environment

Celebrity Solution: Educate yourself

Yes, this sounds a little simplistic, but as any celebrity could tell you, it’s vital to keep up with studies about pollution, the greenhouse effect, global warming, etc. It’s not enough to just drive a Prius. Instead, we should all take a page from actress Kate Bosworth’s book and be students of environmental issues. Know the facts! Learn everything you can! This will enable you to make the right choices to protect Mother Earth. Just listen to her commentary:

“There was just a study done actually, I saw it on Regis and Kelly, I can’t remember how many hours a year a person uses being in their car in L.A., but it’s, like, a lot of time.”

World Problem #3a: The environment

Another Celebrity Solution: Shit in the woods

Drew Barrymore realizes the way to saving the environment is for all of us to live more in tune with nature. Drew—who, incidentally, earns about $15 million a film—spent some time in a primitive Chilean village for an MTV series. “I aspire to be like them more,” she raved (perhaps ignoring their high infant mortality rate and short life expectancies). Highlight of her visit?

“I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome.”

World Problem #4: War

Celebrity Solution: Anus-smelling

Actor Dustin Hoffman puts his proboscis in the, er, meat of the matter when it comes to preventing war:

“When a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other’s asses. The information that’s gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I’ve thought, ‘If only we smelled each other’s asses, there wouldn’t be any war.’ ”

(Note: Hoffman, unfortunately, did not offer further explanations on how to decipher the meaning of said ass-scents, nor did he delineate the preferred method of ass-smelling.)

World Problem #5: Nuclear waste disposal

Celebrity Solution: Kabbalah water

Okay, yes, it was Madonna who came up with this solution. (How did you guess?)

Concerned about the possibility of an ecological disaster due to too much nuclear waste, she and hubby Guy “Yes, I Am a Director, Not Just Her Husband” Ritchie began lobbying the British government and nuclear industry to let them know they had the perfect answer: Kabbalah water, a “mystical” liquid that helps do pretty much anything and everything—including, clearly, defanging nuclear waste. And they had proof!—well, “claims”—that the magic fluid already has worked on Russian nuclear waste.

Sadly, scientists and government officials aren’t as prescient as Madge and remain naysayers. Said one, “It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically.”

World Problem #6: Too much negativity

Celebrity Solution: Positivity!

One final problem and solution—and this one is of

a more general nature. We are speaking of the relentless negativity that pervades this world. How can we rid our planet of this negative energy? How can we turn from the dark to the light? Kate Bosworth knows, and it’s really all just so simple, we’re shocked no one has thought of it before:

“If you, like, have everybody taking ten minutes a day and really focusing on, like, positivity and a better world and a better self, like, imagine all that, just all that positivity going out there.”

Oh, yeah, baby! We can dig it!

Celebrities’ Great Contributions to Humanity

Some stars go one step further. They not only suggest, they contribute to humankind. They sacrifice themselves to the higher good, they walk the lonely walk. For themselves? No—for their fans, for their fellow countrymen (and women). In short, for us all.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Rapper Diddy (Sean Combs)

Great Contribution to Humanity: Getting rid of the “P” from his name

It was tough, perhaps, but he had to do it, explained Diddy, once known as P. Diddy. His relationship with his fans was important and yet he felt himself somehow becoming separated from them. What to do? He decided to sacrifice of an integral part of himself. . . .

“I felt like the ‘P’ was coming between me and my fans. We had to simplify it. It was, you know, during concerts and half the crowd saying ‘P. Diddy’ and half the crowd chanting ‘Diddy.’ Now everybody can just chant ‘Diddy.’ ”

The man may have lost his initial “P,” but grateful fans will cherish the sacrifice. For now they all can chant, “Diddy.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Supermodel Fabio

Great Contribution to Humanity: Speaking out publicly on the dangers of getting hit in the head by flying birds that live near roller coasters at theme parks

Sometimes it needs someone famous to alert the public to lurking hidden dangers. In superbuff Fabio’s case his mission began with a seemingly innocent promotional ride on Busch Gardens Williamsburg’s new Apollo’s Chariot roller coaster. Unfortunately, during the promotional roller coaster ride, Fabio’s face suffered a mid-ride collision with a flying bird (reportedly a goose) that ended in a bloody human-avian mess.

The supermodel, blood streaming from his nose, was taken to a nearby hospital, treated for a minor cut, and released. The goose, alas, did not fare as well; someone reported a dead goose floating in a nearby body of water.

In eloquent but broken English, the charming hard-headed Italian hunk related the very real dangers of being-hit-in-the-head-by-flying- birds-while-riding-on-a-roller-coaster on the TV morning shows, and issued a gentle but firm statement urging Busch Gardens “now” to install safety measures so “that this will not happen again.” He also warned the world of the important dangers of building theme parks with roller coaster rides near avian nesting or breeding areas.

The model, whose favorite color is turquoise and who adorns romance novel covers and serves as a spokesperson for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, sternly added that a similar incident “could cause more serious accidents or possibly a child’s death.”

Unfortunately, as one paper reported, “nationwide accident data involving birds, roller-coaster riders and birds versus roller- coaster riders were not immediately available.”

Celebrity Humanitarian: Soccer star David Beckham

Great Contribution to Humanity: Shaves mohawk haircut—for the children

Another child-oriented celebrity, soccer superstar David Beckham, quite charitably chose to abandon his famous Mohawk haircut. He was very concerned about children copying his hairstyle and getting into trouble.

Instead, the L.A. Galaxy player, then with Manchester United, decided to adopt a new, more mature style: He shaved off half of his eyebrow.

Later he shaved three lines in his eyebrow in a tribute to his megabucks-paying sponsor, triple-striped Adidas, actions which children presumably can comfortably emulate, their parents certainly understanding the value of lucrative sponsorships.

Celebrity Humanitarian: Actor David Hasselhoff

Great Contribution to Humanity: In a word, Baywatch

According to “the Hoff,” his TV show about buff and buffette lifeguards in L.A. was more than just a show about tits, ass, pecs, and abs...

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 272 pages
  • Publisher: Villard (May 1, 2007)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0812977505
  • ISBN-13: 978-0812977509
  • Product Dimensions: 4.7 x 0.6 x 7.3 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 5.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 3.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (9 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,113,634 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By Angela C. Vitale on May 23, 2007
Format: Paperback
If you ever wondered what your favorite celebrities are like in "real life", you've GOT to read this book. Mostly, you will find yourself laughing out loud but be warned some of the quotes in Unusually Stupid Celebrities are so shockingly stupid, they may bring you to tears. All in all, this book is great, light-reading fun! I highly recommend it. Kathryn and Ross Petras have once again produced a well-written, hilarious, winner! (Take this one to the beach.)
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful By J. Arena TOP 500 REVIEWERVINE VOICE on August 10, 2007
Format: Paperback
I read this book while stuck on a train that was delayed for hours. It was so really ENTERTAINING that the time flew by!

I can tell you that I will never, ever look at any "star" with the same sense of admiration. Sometimes behind the sparkling image there is absolutely nothing of any value. Combine those empty-heads with a super-sized false sense of entitlement and a BIG MOUTH, and you've got the mega-laughs of Kathryn & Ross Petras' wonderful book!
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful By K. Jenkins on September 11, 2009
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
I know you don't have to have a college degree in order to become a actor or actress, but some of the things that come of the mouths of these celebrities are funny becuase they are so stupid. Kathryn Petras and her brother Ross have written serveral books along this same line. I find them entertaining when I am not in the mood to read anything serious. It was worth the 10 or 12 bucks I paid for it.
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Format: Paperback
My list of the 5 best books on Hollywood and Stars scandals

After an extensive research and readings, I have compiled a list of the best books on Hollywood and stars scandals.
The best in this rank order:

Number 1: Hollywood Earth Shattering Scandals: The Infamous, Villains, Nymphomaniacs and Shady Characters in Motion Pictures. It is the newest, largest and the most explosive. Lots of new stories and scandals we did not hear about or read in other books. The galleries of photos are impressive. Author, Maximillien de Lafayette. Definitely this is the very best. Rating: 5 stars

Number 2: Hollywood Babylon. Simply because it was the first, the pioneering work that opens the Pandora Box. Author, Kenneth Anger. This book is still interesting. Rating: 5 stars

Number 3: The Hollywood Book of Scandals. Some new stuff, but lots of rehashes. Rating: 3 stars.

Number 4: Sex lives of Hollywood Goddesses. Very very interesting, but little. However, juicy. Author: Nigel Cawthorne. Rating: 3 stars.

Number 5: Dishing Hollywood. Not much stuff but engaging. Author: Laurie Jacobson. Rating: 3 stars.
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Format: Paperback
Very funny book with sayings and stories from those oh-so-whacky celebs. Published in 2007, so Snooki and the Kardashians aren't in it. Tommy Lee and Britney Spears are featured a lot. Supermodel Naomi Campbell is super cray, hitting people with her cell phones. A fun read.
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