Customer Reviews

Us: A User's Guide

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Daniel Tocchini's "Us: A User's Guide" is a vivid and very frank non-fiction work designed to spark conversation between men and women who are willing to make an effort to remain a couple. There were moments while reading this book, when I wanted to close my eyes and cover my ears and yell, "TMI!" But Tocchini's honesty and the frankness of the subjects that he showcases in this book are insightful and inspiring. The detail about the relationship that each case subject pair reveals isn't so graphic as to be inappropriate, but rather shows the issues in the marriage that needed to be addressed.

This book is not just for couples in trouble. Healthy marriages can benefit from this reading, as well. Some may call it a dose of prevention to discuss these topics, others may use this book to appreciate their spouse and come to an understanding that we need to put our partner first more than we do. "Us" is loaded with scripture, which is absolutely crucial if you want a Biblical marriage. This is one book that I am glad to be reading. I know it will improve my attitude, lead me to the Word of God, and help to improve my own marriage relationship.

In a sea of well-intentioned band-aid books for marriages, Us stands out as refreshingly substantive and remarkably void of formulaic suggestions. What makes Dan Tocchini's work special however isn't just the book's integrity or depth, but its accessibility: He offers regular people like you and me real help to transform our marriages and our lives.

Do your most significant commitment a favor and get after this book today.

When I started reading Us, I didn't know what to expect. To me the title alone promises big things and I think this book delivers. I had read a few chapters and already felt myself putting some of the things into practice. In fact I was stomping around angry at my husband last night for something I thought he did, then I read a chapter of us and realized I was assuming he did it and I was assuming I kinew his motivation, when truthfully I did not. This is a big no-no and one of the habits that I need to change. Now my marriage is actual good - I mean we have our moments, but I think Us can really help us get closer and get closer to God.

Daniel Tocchini writing is easy to understand. He gives the habit or point he is talking about in the chapter, backs it up with Bible teaching and then usually uses a story from a couple who had this problem and worked through it. The chapters have really hit home with me and I see ways I can make a good marriage wonderful and keep it that way for our lives. And as the author points out - this is good for all involved, husband, wife and family.

The answers aren't all easy - they will take time to put into place but I think if I do a little at a time to try and change my thinking, this book can really help improve our marriage. And it's not a dry marriage manual - it was actually hard to put down - I kept wanting to learn more and more about what Daniel himself has learned.

The book is put together well and whether your marriage is struggling a little or a lot, whether you are just married or married for 25 years, whether your blissfullly happy or not, all married couples and couples contemplating marriage can use this book.

It's Not About You. It's Not About Me. It's About US...A User's Guide has a really long title, but I have loved and been challenged by the content. The author approaches marriage issues by contrasting the consumer mindset, which let's face it most Americans have, with the covenant mindset. Now before you decide that's not where you want to go, he does a great job of addressing both through telling stories. He shares the story of a troubled couple in each chapter, highlights what the issues are, and then shares strategies based on moving from a consumer (me, me, me) mentality to one that is focused on othering. I've been reading this book while on the treadmill, so haven't fully engaged in the exercises yet, but I am excited to apply what I'm learning. This book is packed with information that can help strengthen your marriage -- even if you already have a stellar one.

Background: The sub-title to this book reads, "It's not about you. It's not about me. It's about... us." I am reminded of a different marriage book written with the title Intimate Allies and the following quote by C.S. Lewis:

There is, hidden or flaunted, a sword between the sexes till an entire marriage reconciles them.

All have the idea of dropping weapons. No longer is it man against woman. Man and woman have joined in matrimony. No matter how disparate they once were, the two have become one. The working out of this reality is often excruciatingly difficult, but, ultimately, love is a war worth fighting. The battles, however, are for the other. And, because the two have become one, when fighting for the other you can't help but indirectly fight for yourself.

Synopsis: Author Daniel L. Tocchini has worked with more than five thousand couples through personal marriage coaching and seminars offered through his organization, the Association for Christian Character Development. Using examples in his own marriage and others he has coached, Tocchini aims at teaching couples new ways of relating. The aim is to transform the marriage by learning to:

Talk to each other instead of making assumptions and jumping to conclusions
Break free of recurring, unresolved arguments
Manage the impact of difficult (but necessary) conversations on your relationship
Defuse conflict without sweeping it under the rug
Open the broken places in your marriage (the ones you hesitate to talk about) to reconciliation

Tocchini explains, "This is a transformational approach to breaking through the barriers and getting out of the ruts in our marriage by paying attention to our conversation - what we are thinking, our motivation for thinking it, and the impact it has on our spouse." Part of the way he goes about doing this is by taking the reader through forensics of arguments to detail where things go awry. It's like a coach studying game film, only the film is a relational dispute in a relationship full of pain.

Review: Tocchini provides excellent guidance on how to really listen to your spouse and seek out the underlying longing that is hidden in a complaint. Much of the book revolves around altering harmful patterns of interactions and finding resolution to conflict so deep, that it leads to places couples are resistant to go. But you have to work through the crud to find deeper intimacy on the other side.

My friend once compared conflict resolution to throwing up. You're going to feel really sick until what is hurting comes out into the open. But if couples can learn to understand where the other is coming from and meet needs in the other that have long gone unmet, they might just find a newer, deeper and better relationship than they had before. Learning new ways of relating can be awkward and painful. What can be more painful, though, is finding yourself growing further and further apart from the one you once deeply loved and maybe still do.

This book is not going to solve all your marital problems, but offers some tools to add to your kit and may provide insights as to how to breathe life into a dead marriage or prevent a healthy marriage from losing its vigor. Some people don't even realize how much their marriage could improve. The book is a reminder that our assumptions about others aren't always accurate. It will also attack tendencies to bring a consumeristic mentality into marriage. After all, it is not about me. It is about us.

The book was provided for review by the B&B Media Group.

What an eye-opening book, particular for someone like me, unmarried but in a relationship and close to walking down the aisle. Reading this book reminded me that marriage is no fairytale. We come into it with some level of assumptions, inner conversations, and even junk. Tocchini invites you to look deep within yourself and find out some truths that may not look very pretty but once--as he says--they are exposed in the light, there is so much possible. I've learned so many things about my defense mechanisms and trust issues that made me more willing to let down my guard and allow God to work, through me, in my relationship. The insights in this book have provoked me, motivated me, and inspired me.

Out of all the books I've read recently, Us: A User's Guide by Daniel L. Tocchini takes the cake. It's not a fun fiction book, or a suspenseful mystery like I usually lean towards. Us is a book about transforming marriages. The author has worked with over 5,000 couples through personal marriage coaching and the unique and life-changing marriage seminars offered through his organization, the Association for Christian Character Development. His experience seeps from the pages like a healing balm of sorts. The foreword (written by Leonard Sweet) says it best, when it describes the act of marriage as something quick like a microwave marriage, but that in reality it should be more like a marinade that takes time. It only takes a moment to marry someone, but creating a solid marriage takes a lifetime. His explanation is best:

"The process of marinating is to bring two distinct ingredients together, not so that they can lose themselves in each other, but so that each one becomes more distinctive, more unique, while at the same time the two together create a magical third..."

The author, Daniel L. Tocchini shows you how to do just this. His approach is thoroughly biblical, and touches on key parts of a marriage's foundation. His instructions are clear cut, his ideas easy to grasp, and all backed up by scripture. His chapter on how deadly assumptions can be for a marriage really spoke to me, and I can't wait to tackle his chapter on breaking free of those recurring, unresolved arguments that all marriages have. I have not read the entire book just yet, and actually want to start back at the beginning and read this together with my husband. We have been married for close to twelve years, and along the way my husband and I have learned that a marriage takes work and a great marriage takes each person giving 150%. I know that doesn't make mathematical sense, but it's a difficult job, and our nation's divorce rate proves that. With marriages failing everyday, each bit of wisdom I can find on strengthening my marriage is a welcome help.

Many people need help to improve their marriage. I have discovered a terrific resource, `Us: A User's Guide' by Daniel L. Tocchini.

Mr. Tocchini knows whereof he speaks when it comes to marriage. Here's his biography from the back of `Us: A User's Guide:'

Daniel L. Tocchini has worked with more than five thousand couples through personal marriage coaching and the unique and life-changing marriage seminars offered through his organizations, the Association for Christian Character Development. An ordained minister, chaplain, author, and highly successful speaker and coach, he lives with his family in California.

Here is the `blurb' on the back of the book:

Surprise Yourself with How Great Your Marriage Can Be.
Daniel Tocchini doesn't want to improve your marriage; he wants to transform it. Or, rather, to show how some simple changes in your marital conversation - the way you talk to yourself and each other - can open up your relationship to God's transforming power.
...Tocchini offers a wealth of practical guidance to help you learn to live your marriage "in the light" - talking honestly, listening generously, confronting tricky issues, tuning in to each other's needs and yearnings, and breaking free of the self-centered "consumer thinking" that infects us all. Innovative, insightful, and thoroughly biblical, Tocchini's approach has helped thousands in his popular seminars.
Whether your marriage is in deep trouble, or just coasting along, you'll be amazed at what happens when you finally follow the User's Guide that God intended.

Mr. Tocchini makes the assertion that we go down the wrong path when we view marriage as a consumer:

...[W]e live in a "consumer"-oriented culture. It is a part of who we are because it is what we were born into. Or relationships in particular, are immersed in consumerism. A consumer views marriage as if it exists for individual fulfillment. If a spouse isn't being fulfilled, then that "consumer" looks for another relationship or even falls into an addiction to fulfill their particular needs - whether to look good, feel good, be right, or be in control. (p. 28)

Communication is important in marriage. Mr. Tocchini points out that our internal dialogue is important in our marriage relationship:

We cannot learn how to love out loud if we are boxed into a matrix of deadly self-conversations. We cannot learn to dialogue with our spouse in a healthy manner if we are plagued by assumptions we invent about them or our marriage. We cannot learn how to see our spouse in a new way until we notice what we say to ourselves about who we are "certain" they are or what their intentions are. (p. 51)

Very often, we need to make changes in our relationship. Daniel points out that God should be at the center of that:

Transformation according to metamorphoo [a divine transformation] is dependent on God, not on our efforts. If we don't trust Him, we will never reach the potential of our eternal calling and will never experience a marriage beyond our wildest dreams. Make no mistake. This transformation is not easy. Often it is messy, uncomfortable, and downright tough. Why? Because true transformation is all about the death of ourselves - our assumptions, the way we think we should look... It is about letting go of the need to protect or defend ourselves. It is about living purely from the joy of othering. (p. 166)

Selflessness is important in any relationship!

In the Conclusion, Daniel offers this prayer to his readers:

I pray that the ideas and disciplines in this book bring you closer to a future worth having. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen overnight. Nothing does. But over time, with prayer and devotion to your union, you will notice the fruits of transformation. And if you happen to be one of those happy couples who have not endured a significant challenge or obstacle in your relationship, I pray you have learned strategies that will keep you grounded, focused, and centered on a God-designed kingdom marriage. (pp. 193-194)

I think this book would be terrific for a couple to work through together. There are questions and topics interspersed throughout the book - questions that are deep and require thought. This is a wonderful book for people who seriously want to improve their marriage. It provides biblical and scripturally solid advice, and will help many people to improve their relationship with themselves, their spouses - and most importantly, God.

This book was published by David C. Cook and provided by the B&B Media Group for review purposes.

Reviewed by Andrea Schultz - Ponderings by Andrea - [...]

Daniel says, "We don't need to change, fix, or better the bad stuff about US: we need the kind of change we call transformation--changing how we view ourselves, our spouse and our marriage. In other words, the way you view your spouse or a particular situation you are in--will determine the quality of your life!" Wow!
"Do you view one another as a product?"; consumerism can and does seep into marriage. We were born into it...it's everywhere. "A consumer views marriage as if it exists for individual fulfillment. If a spouse isn't being fulfilled, then that 'consumer' looks for another relationship or even falls into an addiction to fulfill their particular need--whether to look good, feel good, be right or be in control."

This book opened my eyes to many things about how we view relationships of any kind. I like how Daniel Tocchini writes. He keeps it simple and gives great examples from different couples he's counseled, so you get the point he's trying to make. He also writes dialogue between couples in order to show you that point. There are six powerful chapters in this book and each one has great exercises for you to do, then followed by an overview.

I really was touched by what this author had to say about how changing your point of view can change your world and those around you. This book will help you no matter what stage your marriage is in or how long you've been married. It's not about me--It's about US! I'm so thankful to have received a review copy of this book. It's a simple, but deep and thought provoking read. Daniel presents his information in a positive manner - one that is hopeful and not discouraging. I'll definitely be reading this again!

Nora St. Laurent
ACFW Book Club Coordinator

A little faith can make a good marriage great. "Us: A User's Guide" is a relationship guide taking a Christian approach to strengthening one's marriage and embracing faith to keep that love and marriage strong through the years, while defeating the selfish thinking that tends to consume many relationships as they drag on. "Us" is a choice pick for relationships which seek God to strengthen them.