23 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
save your $, December 23, 2009
This review is from: Vampire Kisses: The Beginning (Vampire Kisses / Kissing Coffins / Vampireville) (Paperback)
Standards have really fallen if this tripe is allowed into publication. There are thousands of other books out there, don't waste your time on this one.
The writing, ugh!!! The entire book reads like an outline that the author forgot to fill in. Apparently saying the brand name of everything counts as an acceptable description. I lost count of how many times she uses "just then" or "all of a sudden" to interject a random plot point. And wasn't this written by a comedienne? The supposedly "witty" banter between the characters had me rolling my eyes when the so-called "romance" wasn't making me gag.
The writing is terrible, but the characters will have you tearing your hair out. Raven is convinced she's an outsider who's too good for "Dullsville". No one understands her because she's a goth, whine whine whine. For someone who rags on society for judging her by her appearance, her entire basis for liking Alexander is her suspicion that he's a vampire. Alexander has the personality of a wet mop, and the only thing interesting about him are the fantasies Raven is constantly dreaming up. She never stops her incessant ramblings about their gothic escapades, like dancing to Marilyn Manson, cuddling in a coffin, or having dinner in a graveyard. The author took a run-of-the-mill girl and plastered her with every goth stereotype she could find. For a book that tries to teach "appearance isn't everything", every page succeeds in proving it wrong.
Ha, I just noticed the quote on the back says goth girls can "look up to" Raven. Really? That's like saying Dracula can look up to Edward Cullen.
If you want to read some excellent contemporary vampire lit, pick up the Morganville Vampire series instead. Heck, even Twilight is a step up from this garbage.
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25 of 29 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Bloodless, November 14, 2009
This review is from: Vampire Kisses: The Beginning (Vampire Kisses / Kissing Coffins / Vampireville) (Paperback)
"Vampire Kisses" is one of those series that leaves you wondering if the author wrote the thing ghastly mess as an elaborate parody. Ellen Schreiber's "Vampire Kisses" series is a good example -- it's basically an extended "Twilight"-style personal fantasy, with horrendous writing, shallow romance, and a putrescent heroine. "Vampire Kisses: The Beginning" brings together the first three books of this series, which only reinforces the simple fact that there's no plot.
Raven (cliche name alert!) has always been obsessed with vampires and goth trappings, so she's delighted when the local haunted mansion is purchased -- and even more so when she is rescued (from a "preppy" guy) by a mall-goth "Gothic Guy, Gothic Mate, Gothic Prince." And because you can tell everything about a person by how they dress and look, it's love at first bite.
Then aven starts to hear rumors that Rich Goth Hottie may be a vampire. She ends up being invited to Rich Goth Hottie's mansion -- and of course because she wears black, he knows she's the only girl who can "accept him for who he really is." Yep, he's a vampire.
Unfortunately, Alexander vanishes in pretty short order -- and by "Vampire Kisses 2: Kissing Coffins," an emo Raven starts randomly searching for him in the nearby city of Hipsterville. But she soon runs afoul of an Evil ShockRockerGoth vampire named Jagger at a local cliche goth club -- and he has a hilariously contrived reason to hate Alexander (who, naturally, shows up just in time to save Raven). Of course, Jagger don't give up so easy.
And the plot gets even slimmer in "Vampire Kisses 3: Vampireville." The vampire twins Luna and Jagger are still hanging around Dullsville, and apparently have dark and deadly designs for the much-despised Trevor -- and for some reason, Alexander and Raven have a problem with this. So they spend more than half the novel trying to puzzle out where Jagger and Luna's resting places are, even as Raven becomes best buddies with Luna.
"Vampire Kisses" is one of those embarrassing stories that many teenage girls write about themselves -- they are edgy, dark and oppressed by the two-dimensionally alike "snobs" who don't appreciate them, until they find eternal love with a Hot Immortal Rich Dude. Most of these stories go unnoticed on fanfiction.net or other such sites, but sadly this one actually made it to print.
Unfortunately Ellen Schreiber's writing style is pretty much on the same page. Most of the book is Raven telling us constantly how GOTH GOTH GOTH she is (down to what cereal she eats), and how awesome her Rich Immortal Hottie is. Her writing is painfully bad: Raven views everything through a glass not-so-darkly ("Moss and ivy grew on the roof like a gothic Chia Pet") and the dialogue is horrendous ("Alexander's so dreamy. His eyes are like milk chocolates").
What's more, her bloodsucking mythos is as thin as her plot -- apparently vampires are DEAD, but they can produce similarly dead offspring as well as LIVE human babies... no, it doesn't make any sense to me either. What little we see of their culture is culled from the cheesiest of vampire movies and books.
Raven herself is the biggest joke of all -- a selfish, shallow, whiny, malicious and pretentious Hot Topic Goth who hasn't matured since kindergarten, and whose "love" with Alexander seems entirely based on the fact that he's a male vampire doppelganger of her. And the "knight of night" (ugh!) Alexander isn't exactly worthy of female attention -- he's quite possibly the blandest and least interesting vampire I have ever read about. Jagger is a 2-D villain/stalker who is as menacing as a blob of oatmeal, and his ethereal sister loses any cool factor once it's revealed that she's basically a vampiric Raven. Waaa waaa, I'm such an outsider and I hate my little brother, boohoo.
"Vampire Kisses: The Beginning" is an omnibus of books so poorly-written, so immature, so cheesy and so pretentious that they cross the line into parody. Completely bloodless.
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