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The Vampire Relationship Guide, Volume 1: Meeting and Mating [Kindle Edition]

Evelyn Lafont
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (50 customer reviews)

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Book Description

Josie's an average girl who just wants one simple thing out of life--to have sex with a vampire. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of the world's richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she jumps into her favorite stilettos and heads out to the event of a lifetime, hoping that she'll come home with a sexy party favor.

But the great undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Josie's carnal desires. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her sole sexual longing, Josie unwittingly entrenches herself in the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her but herself.

*A 136 page novella with adult language & situations.

EXCERPT

By the time we got to Rocket Burger, I felt like I'd been ridden hard and put away wet. And if I'd just been having sex that would have been great, but considering that I felt this way after a ten minute drive with Walker, it didn't bode well for the rest of the evening.

Walker, as a vampire, generally didn't get hot. So when the air conditioning went out in his truck he saw no need to fix it. In order to keep me from suffocating or sweating literally to death on the ride to Rocket Burger, we had to drive with the windows rolled down. Naturally this didn't really cool me off so much as whip my hair into a crazy frenzy, get sand and road dust stuck to my face, and evenly spread my sweat all over my body. In short, I was disgusting.

We got out of the car and Walker asked me something but I couldn't hear him over the roar of hundreds of motorcycles all revving their engines for bike night. Since I also can't read lips I simply looked at Walker stupidly, unsure how to even react to the sounds he was obviously trying to make.

"You have a hair," he shouted, "going up your nose!"

Of course I did. I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to make it look sexily tousled but I'm sure I didn't achieve the look. "Can we get a table?" I shouted back to him.

He smiled and grabbed my hand and then pulled me toward the building. Rocket Burger is made up of two different sections--the original restaurant which is closed-in and air-conditioned and the ramshackle shack portion of the restaurant which has a lovely and quaint dirt floor, picnic tables, and random two-by-fours with plywood crookedly affixed to them as "walls." How it has survived hurricane season in Florida for over fifty years is anybody's guess.

Walker led me to the unair-conditioned ramshackle portion of the restaurant and we sat down at an empty picnic table. Since my white shorts were already looking less than clean, I didn't bother to wipe off the seat. To hell with it, I thought. It's not like we're ever going on another date.

The waitress came to our table and asked what we wanted to drink. We both ordered beer and I went ahead and put in my hamburger order too. Walker, apparently, wasn't hungry because he didn't ask for anything in the way of food. Maybe I wasn't the only one that wanted to get this over with quickly.

I was surprised when Walker's hand reached across the table and rested on top of mine. One of my eyebrows went up and I looked at him. "Really? Is that how you feel this date is going? It's going well enough to touch each other?"

He laughed. "I'm a man, Josie. We could be swinging bats at each other's heads and I'd still want to touch you.


Editorial Reviews

Review

Book Blogger Reviews:

"The snarky wit and humor Evelyn Lafont uses will leave you gasping for more." -Stephanie Gutenberger, bookloveblog.com
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"I wasn't sure what to expect from this book but whatever it was it sure went way beyond it. It was awesome. I loved it.Josie was smart, funny and totally sarcastic kinda girl that I love."-Amber, awesomesaucebookclub.com
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"I read half of this little novella last night in the bath. I thought I was going to have to sue Evelyn for the cost of a new kindle, the amount of times I nearly dropped it in the water from laughing so hard."-Cait, thecaitfiles.blogspot.com

About the Author

Evelyn Lafont is a freelance writer, author and avid reader. She likes long walks on the beach and...oh crap--this is the wrong profile for that. As a writer, she doesn't venture outside very often, and when she does she frequently complains about the sun, weather, wind, trees, and stars. In order to avoid such a frightening onslaught of stimuli, she stays tucked safely inside with her keyboard and her imagination.

Product Details

  • File Size: 329 KB
  • Print Length: 136 pages
  • Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
  • Publisher: Helios Media, Inc. (March 29, 2011)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B004UI6HGE
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray: Enabled
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,852 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars 90 pages of pure fun April 5, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
There are two things you need to know about The Vampire Relationship Guide Vol 1. First, it is a novella, so it is the perfect afternoon read. Second, The snarky wit and humor Evelyn Lafont uses will leave you gasping for more. I didn't know what to expect when I started this book, but I can assure you it is 90 pages of pure fun!

Josie is a girl desperate to date a vampire. She knows very little about them except that they are red hot sexy. This can lead to unexpected consequences, since we all know that vampires and sexy men are usually not all that they seem. She is a balls-to-the-walls, foul-mouthed, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of gal. This took me by surprise, but I found it incredibly refreshing. In a fictional world of trembling maidens, unsure female leads, and heroines that need to be guided, Josie is like cotton candy for the mind. You might not want it for every meal, but it sure hits the spot.

Small spoiler: I don't completely understand the reasoning behind the plot on Josie's life. The scheme seemed not well thought out on the apprehender's part, nor well executed. It seemed to be rushed as an explanation to tie up the book. This was the only part of VRG1 that I felt didn't flow. The rest of the book felt very fluid.

Conclusion:
VRG1 hooks you deeply. Fast paced and entertaining, it leaves you wanting more after the last page. I definitely recommend checking it out.
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Vampire Romance Send-Up April 1, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
I'm going to break this down into The Good and the Not-So-Good to try and keep my thoughts a bit more on track than the first draft of this review turned out.

The Good: This may be one of the funniest genre pastiches I've ever read. Vampire (and other supernatural creature) Romance is a huge market right now, and in 90 pages Evelyn Lafont manages to crack wise about almost every trope of the genre. I haven't even read that much supernatural romance (urban fantasy of the detective/crime realm is more my cup of tea) and I found myself smiling or laughing or nodding knowingly throughout the book. The main reason I enjoyed the book is that it does not take itself too seriously. The book is a fast easy read with lots of funny dialogue and wink-wink-nudge-nudge humor regarding the current obsession with sexy vampires. The author also does a nice job of taking all the standards of vampire lore and giving them the tweaks necessary to make them work in her world without straying too far from what is "canon" about vampires: they drink blood because the magic in their bodies prevents them from making new red blood cells; channels in their teeth draw the blood directly into their circulatory system; drinking blood is an act of sustenance not sexuality; anything that would cause a vamp to lose blood or that would destroy blood cells will eventually kill them (not just a stake to the heart, but any gaping bleeding wound, etc). The main character, Josie, is a bit of a rural rube in her thirties -- almost too innocent despite claims of being jaded -- that is a perfect send-up of the young-nubile-innocent heroine trope. The lead vamps, Gregory and Walker, fit the standard romantic types as well.
... Read more ›
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Bad Boy dressed in black - - - LOVE HIM! April 15, 2011
Format:Kindle Edition
This was a fast, fun read. The characters are great! Josie is spunky and funny, Gregory is smooth and mysterious, and Walker....what can a girl say about Walker! He is rough and crass, but you can see the soft and suave under the surface (it just doesn't like show!). I was IN from the first page. Couldn't wait to see what would happen next and fell in love with Josie's personality! Gregory seems "off" from the start. Of course that could be the relationship cynic in me. If it seems too good to be true - it is. I enjoyed the interactions of Josie and Walker, I love the attraction that they each try to ignore. The story moves quickly and doesn't leave you hanging. I would have loved to see this story fleshed out more and moved from a novella to a full length story. I feel that the characters and the storyline could have sustained a longer book. If I had to say there was one thing that disappointed me - it would be that the story was over too fast. I can't wait for Volume Two!
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Quirky story February 24, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
This is an odd hybrid of a vampire story mixed with a cheesy soap opera. It isn't a bad book and I actually bought the others in the series. It is the kind that after you finish reading it you just feel like saying.....well OK then.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Not enough... February 8, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
The story line was interesting, but everything felt smashed together. I would have been better with a stronger build and more character development.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Don't waste your time. January 18, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
The author/narrator obviously thinks they are funny but they are not. Being verbose is not funny. Bad writing is not funny.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Okay but nothing special. November 28, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase
While this was a decent story and I enjoyed it, there didn't seem to be an original plot. It was a typical human girl meets vampire(s) story line. Even the main character is aware of this. It seemed to be very contrived and wasn't very polished. It was a fast read but I don't feel the need to read other books in the series.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
I'm really glad I read The Vampire Relationship Guide. It was a ton of fun. It's the perfect read if you are looking for something fun, fluffy, and full of snark. I laughed a lot. It is a cute romance story that has a blast poking fun at the multitude of vampire novels currently coming out. There is no denying that the genre is tired and quite a bit overdone. It's nice to see an author acknowledge that and put her own fun twist on it.

There's not a whole lot to say, except that it's short, sweet and an enjoyment to read. It's the perfect book to pick up if you don't have a lot of time, but want to lost yourself for awhile. It only took a couple of hours to get through and I like to take my time with my books.

It could have used one more run through with a copy-editor, because there were a few grammatical errors that were just stupid and overlooked. I'm not sure what happened there, but it really doesn't detract from the experience at all. It's just something I have to point out.

I am looking forward to reading the next one. I don't know for sure when I will be able to get to it, but I fully intend to as soon as I can fit it in. I won this book in a contest from The Bookish Babes and I'm very glad that I did. Thanks Andrea!
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
4.0 out of 5 stars The vampire relationship guide volume 1
Interesting story line. Slightly new twist on vampires. Funny. Adventures. Hot sex. Not bad. Will look for next book in series.
Published 5 days ago by Kathy Q
5.0 out of 5 stars Love it
This book was awesome. I really enjoyed reading it. I can't wait to read the second one. I'm so glad I came across this book.
Published 7 days ago by Tracy R. Strange
5.0 out of 5 stars Vastly Entertaining
I picked up the first volume free on Kindle and was definitely compelled to make the purchase of all three. Read more
Published 14 days ago by lhm8
4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting
This was an interesting way of showing that vampires have the same good guys and bad guys that humans do. The whole running for office and using tragedies to get votes, nice!
Published 27 days ago by Viper Rose
5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious
Perfect amount of sexy, humor, and a little horror. I completely loved this book. Extremely mad that I finished it in one day.
Published 3 months ago by A. Orton
5.0 out of 5 stars This book is both sexy and funny!
I love a sexy paranormal book, but I consider it a bonus when you have a character like Josie who makes you laugh and pant along with her, Evelyn Lafont makes wanting a vampire... Read more
Published 3 months ago by Sylvia D. Ashford
4.0 out of 5 stars Funny
Funny, light read. Like the spin the author took. Got this book for free but seriously considering reading the other volumes she wrote.
Published 3 months ago by Danielle Bula
4.0 out of 5 stars A cute, quick read
The Vampire Relationship Guide, Vol 1 is a cute, quick read that will have you giggling in no time. The title of this book will give you a pretty good idea as to its contents. Read more
Published 5 months ago by RabidReads
5.0 out of 5 stars How to meet your vampire mate
Josie has a thing for fangs and luckily, her vampire mailman has an invitation to
a vampire soiree where she meets Gregory Bullster and thinks that she has found
her... Read more
Published 8 months ago by Kat
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More About the Author

"Hi, my name's Evelyn. I write about stuff with fangs."

Evelyn Lafont is a full-time freelance writer and author living in Florida with her cashew-shaped kittens and totally alpha hubby whose obsession with getting Hugh Jackman's arms has earned him the nickname, "Wolverine."

Visit http://www.evelynlafont.com to subscribe to her newsletter, get free stuff, find out about upcoming releases and read her many real-life tales of mishappery and wonder.

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