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30 of 30 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
This one was kinda yummy!, June 6, 1999
By A Customer
We've all done this. We drag our sorry butts out of bed at the crack of dawn to go to work, only to see our pet dog or cat peacefully snoozing away. "Who's the higher life form?" we mutter to ourselves. I felt the same way as I was watching "The Vampire's Seduction." While my partners and I spend hours arguing over the nuances of where to put a comma in our latest screenplay, I watch this shamelessly ad-libbed and utterly mindless lesbian teaser and wonder just who are the more intelligent filmmakers. Tina Krause is Dracula's Daughter, a stunning vampiress who spends her evenings cavorting topless in a smoke machine-enhanced forest. In what has to be the thinnest of plot devices ever, she coerces Wally Van Helsing, a bumbling geek and great-great grandson of the legendary vampire hunter, into seeking out gorgeous lesbians and bringing them back to her. Wally does a great job of finding them and watching as they fondle, grope, suckle and kiss in nearly naked splendor, but never once does he bring his prey back to his Mistress. Instead, he gives her a sandwich laced with garlic salt and she dies. The end. Yes, it was absolutely as dumb as it sounds. But, and more importantly, the skin quotient is A) high and B) pretty damned steamy. There's a threesome scene, for example, which never goes beyond the topless stage, but it's far sweatier than the most explicit of hardcore tapes. "The Vampire's Seduction" contains no real horror or gothic element to speak of, its title notwithstanding. It's really pretty much just a teaser tape with humor that's dorky at best and irritating at worst. Still, I have to admit that if you know what you're getting, and now you do, this one was kinda yummy.
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8 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
A fun way to kill an hour & a half!, June 7, 1999
By A Customer
"Wally, go get me my lesbians! Where are my lesbians? Lesbians, lesbians." And so goes the plot for The Vampire's Seduction, another in the seemingly endless - and ever-growing - supply of lesbian vampire flicks. The plot of this movie is something about a vampire - played for laughs by a really cute Tina Krause, who shows a flair for comedy - named Dracoola, who needs lesbians (and don't they all) and a nerdy loser who she recruits to find some for her. But - and who could have seen this plot twist - he's a Van Helsing! Yes, from the famous vampire-killer lineage. If you can get through the over-long sex scenes (I never thought I'd be saying THAT), this movie is actually pretty funny. The Van Helsing character - played very well by John Paul Fedele and is a kind of cross between Woody Allen and Jerry Lewis' Nutty Professor - has some very funny lines. The script might have been written that way, but he delivers his lines so smoothly that they appear to be ad libbed. I really think this guy shows some talent - but who the hell am I! Also, Zack Snygg (Blood, Bullets and Buffoons) and Debbie Rochon (not enough room to list everything) are very good in their limited screen time. In addition to the comedic elements and the sex (that ever-elusive lesbian vampire sex), there are some unintentionally funny moments also. A young woman goes to a psychotherapist because she is having problems with her boyfriend. She tells the doctor (played by Paige Turner - another great name) that she doesn't feel pretty anymore. Well, there's good reason for that - she's not. But she and the good doctor proceed to "do it" in her office (I've never seen so many women who don't wear underwear) until the pizza boy comes. Then it's something straight out of an old xxx movie - the doctor asks him if he wants cash for the pizza or could she offer him "one of these!" I think you get the picture. The two women and the pizza boy then experience prolonged periods of "getting' it on." Another scene that I found humorous - but I don't know if anyone else will - is a scene in which a supposed-teenage girl is having a friend sleep over at her house. They are talking about boys and the girl's mother enters the room. First of all, the "mother" looks younger than both of the "girls." Then, after setting up the fact that these girls are supposed to be about 14 or 15 years old and virginal, the "mother" proceeds to tell them that boys can be bad and they should kiss each other to see what it's like. The "mother" eventually joins in and when one of the "girls" slips out of her nightie, she has pierced nipples and tattoos. The other "girl" also has tattoos, as well as the "mot her." I don't know, but I found that humorous - maybe it's just me. At the end, the Van Helsing character rids the world of Dracoola in a way that only a movie of this caliber could get away with. Sure, there are certain aspects that scream "crap" - such as the fact that you know Tina's scenes were shot in one day on her lunch break from her real job and edited in later - but it doesn't make any difference. Taken at face value, The Vampire's Seduction is a fun way to kill an hour and a half (including the out-takes after the movie).
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
About a lesbian vampire who doesn't DO anything!!!, June 1, 1999
By A Customer
The only girl-girl action in this film involves NON-vampires! The lesbian vampire herself just TALKS about finding other women! Mostly this film follows the idiotic descendant of Van Helsing (the vampire slayer), who serves his mistress by seeking out lesbians for her unnatural lusts. Yes, he finds a few, and the scenes are pretty steamy, but he NEVER brings any back for his mistress! As for the girl-girl scenes, they're pretty tame for the most part. A later seduction scene between a female doctor and her attractive patient is ruined by the arrival of the "pizza boy" --- how cliched' can you get? Still, a good effort!
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