Customer Reviews

Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion

5 star:		(40)
4 star:		(19)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(6)

 

 

Like many books, I first came upon this book, because it was referenced in an article. And I have since read this book many times.

Just saying verbal judo to others gets a laugh. However, this is a very serious and valuable book.

Have you ever walked away from someone, telling yourself, "Next time ... I am going to be prepared. Next time, he or she will not get me. I will be ready?"

What mastering verbal judo takes is for you to be fully in the moment, conscious of who you are, and not only conscious of what you are experiencing, in the presence of your interlocutor, but also willing to to use your interlocutor's energy to redirect what they expressed to you from something destructive to something mutually empowering.

I have taught myself to smile, on the inside, and to even, ever so slightly nod, when someone has insulted me. This is my anchor, if you will, to breath my way to using their insult to defuse what just happened.

Here's an example, "Calm Down!"

My Verbal Judo response: (said in a calm, relaxed demeanor) "I am as calm as I know how to be, right now. And with your help, I can be more calm. Are you ready?"

This response is an acknowledgement of your interlocutor, and it is a declaration of your self-respect. This is teaching your interlocutor how to treat you well.

Another example is, "You think too much!"

My Verbal Judo Response is, "Yes. I do think a great deal. And I thank you for your disguise compliment, because thinking for myself is so important to me."

My response told this person that I value who I am, and that I appreciate his or her awareness of what matters to me.

Over the years, because I use life as a human lab, I have created several real life examples of how to respond, instead of reacting to manipulative people, or as Scott Peck would call, "evil people."

An additional tool in my being able to do this was when I read John Bradshaw's, "Healing the Shame That Binds You."

I learned what stops a person from being able to master verbal judo, in the present moment, really is fear (false, education, appearing real). And when you realize that your conscious mind is telling your subconscious mind what to do, you are free to tell your conscious mind that although you have just been attacked, this is your opportunity to teach this person to take their self-hate somewhere else.

Read this book as a tool to get more out of your life. The authors are humorous, wise and compassionate. And the book is so easy to follow that you will be compelled to master the lessons.

I first read this book about ten years ago. I then took a course by the same title at the police academy. Essentially, Dr. Thompson tries to take a few simple concepts and by simplifying them further, give police officers a way to de-escalate conflict. My first thought as a negotiator was that these concepts had been dumbed down too much, but I decided to give it a chance in the real world. For the most part, it works. Every time I used his techniques on a police scene, the situation was settled without force.

I believe that this book is a good starting point into the arena of active listening. The area that should be expanded on is the response... i.e. situational response based on more factors than a book can cover (personal experience, perception, urgency, etc...) vs. the patterned responses suggested in the book.

I recommend the book, but I would consider twice before taking the expensive follow-up seminars (unless of course - your department is paying for them :))

With such a unique background, any stories he'd tell would be interesting. However these practical demonstrations are so memorable, I found myself immediately and naturally applying them in my own life.

I've recently read a number of "communication" books because I've been feeling that I could do better in this area. This is the book I'm passing on to my teenage sons. Dr. Thompson's many examples, coming from all angles of life, are the treasure. I don't expect to encounter the heavy situations he handled in his police work, but he's correct: if his methods of staying in control work there, they'll work anywhere. My one and only caveat is that in order to understand and apply Dr. Thompson's methods, one must possess a certain amount of emotional maturity to begin with. Reading this book will not turn a social moron into a diplomat, at least not until he's worked on his personal issues. But for those of us who interact well most of the time, and occasionally have situations blow up in our faces without understanding why, this is a perfect book.

Dr. Thompson's now widely taught system of conflict resolution, called Verbal Judo, does have some merit. It is taught at many police academies, law enforcement agencies, and civilan companies as a way of deescalating anger through empathetic speech. His book is a collection of techniques mixed in with some entertaining police stories.

The first problem I had with Dr. Thompson's book was that the techniques on Verbal Judo were hidden among all the police stories and it became unclear what the actual steps to Verbal Judo was. Granted, the book was entertaining to read, but if you wanted to cut right down to the step-by-step guide on how to resolve conflict with verbal judo, then good luck finding it because it is hard to find.

The second problem I had with the material in the book was that the principles Dr. Thompson teaches to resolve conflict are a bit oversimplified. Essentially, Dr. Thompson is preaching active listening skills to address the concerns of the other party, but this is only one small portion of the bigger picture--and that is reaching an agreement through negotiation. Dr. Thompson touches on a few aspects of negotiation, but not enough for any rookie police officer to gain a firm understanding in. I would have liked to have read more about how to deal with verbal attacks, which was not very clear in the book.

With 23 years in corrections, I was amazed how much I learned from reading this book. A person may think they are an excellent communicator, but in reality we all can improve our skills. I have put this book to good use in teaching professionalism and ethics to new corrections recruits. In a prison setting the most valuable (or dangerous weapon) we possess is our mouth. It is true that 98% of our job/day is verbally communicating with people. I know it will be better and more effective communications in the future from reading this book. The examples and life experiences really illustrated Dr. Thompson's message.

Thompson makes the point that the most dangerous weapon in anyone's arsenal is the cocked tongue. Dangerous to the owner, that is. We all, at one time or another, have great difficulty climbing out of holes that we have dug with our tongue.

Thompson teaches a method for using the tongue as a constructive, rather than a destructive force. He sets out some simple mnemonics to guide the reader through the thorny thicket of verbal confrontation, and gives the reader a good concept of how to work toward a win/win solution.

Thompson's definition of win/win is this: You get what you want, your antagonists saves face, and nobody gets hurt. The principles are easily grasped, the methods are simple and straightforward, and the objectives are praiseworthy.

The philosophy of Verbal Judo is summed up in a quotation from Sun Tzu's "Art of War": "To win 100 battles is not excellence; to win without fighting is excellence."

I am a Sgt. with A State Corrections Agency and have used the technique(before I even finished the book) in the steps so clearly stated: 1)Act,2)Set it in Context,3)Present Options,4)Confirm,5)Act(last resort force). Staff even were suprised how I diffused a few intense situations. You do have to work at it and I would suggest making a list of situations or conversations you have been in, then follow the book. Eventually I think it will become second nature. I attended a 2 hour free seminar, posed a question and received a 100% clear answer to the situation. After the session the book was much clearer. I have since read the book and ordering copies for some of my staff. A must read for any law enforcement. The way the information is organized in the book I rate about a 4, but content (The 5 steps) gets a 5. Overall rating is closest to a 5. You must apply the information. The book is one of my top 10 keepers.

I couldn't describe this book as a complete system of communication, but it definitely does have some useful things to say about dealing with difficult people.

It puts the subject in good perspective and gives the reader some tools to deal with the inevitable aggression that everyone has to deal with in day-to-day transactions.

What I like about this book is that gives guidelines so that the reader can create a convincing illusion of, or even a genuine episode of empathy with the person they are dealing with.

But what I really like is the author's emphasis on the fact that he doesn't really have to care about the difficult people he deals with, he just has to pretend he does.

In that way, we put on a suit of professionalism when we go to work and we leave our personal selves at home.

The professional self never loses their cool, never lets insults get to them and does what they need to do in order to successfully complete their daily transactions.

The verbal judo ideas are not exactly a scientifically-proven system. They are what the author has picked up from his and other police personnel's experience.

This minor point aside, this is a book worth reading by anyone who has to deal with difficult people and wants to know how to keep their cool and not feel they are giving in to the enemy.

If you are one of these people, I'd recommend you check it out.

I read most of "Doc Rhino's" book at the airport and on the plane while returning from being trained as a Verbal Judo instructor. This is absolutely the best work on handling "difficult people." Whether it's an irate customer, a moody adolescent, or an arrestee with a nasty attitude, Dr. Thompson's teaching gives you the tools and knowledge to win every time, and look and sound good doing it.

Verbal judo is about controlling - and winning - encounters by using words as your weapons. But in the context of verbal judo, winning means that everybody wins: You win by making a difficult person more responsive and therefore you can direct the encounter to unfold the way you like. And he wins, because the encounter can be solved in a civilized manner, without arguments.

The author is a black belt practitioner of judo and tae kwon do karate, and a former college English literature professor turned to a cop. This unusual background shows clearly, because the book is written in an analytical (yet entertaining) way, is filled with references to Latin and ancient Greece, the author uses citations of ancient samurai wisdom, and the book is packed with usually humorous, and always educational cop stories.

The book is written mainly a street cop in mind, but the author constantly stresses that these principles can be utilized by anyone: businessmen, department store clerks, teachers, parents trying to raise children, and so on.

The book is very entertaining, yet educational. In the book, the author gives you a lot of advise on how to handle specific situations along with general guidelines to follow in all communication with other people. Some of this advise seem selfevident (but which you have not necessarily been conscious of), and some seem reasonable and realistic. There is also some advise I found very strange to a point being ridiculous. Nevertheless, I recommend this book to anyone who has ever found himself in an unnecessary fight, or thinks that he ends too often in the losing end of an argument.