Customer Reviews

The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

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It was difficult to read her book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" because I cried my way through it. But as difficult as that one was, this one is enlightening. It's one thing to know that someone is abusive, it's another thing entirely to understand why. I actually felt sympathy for my husband instead of loathing - and that is a wonderful start. And with "The Agreement" that this new book centers around, I was actually offered hope. My husband is aware of what he does; he has honestly been working on seeing me in a different light. But it really helps our relationship now that I understand in what light he was seeing me.

Communication specialist Patricia Evans explores the issue of verbal abuse in heterosexual relationships. She builds on her previous work in The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People by posing the question, "Can a verbally abusive man really change?" What is particularly startling about verbal abuse, Evans explains, is that in almost every case the abuser feels that he is the one being attacked. (Rarely, abusers are female, but such cases aren't discussed in this book.) Getting him to own up to his damaging behavior is not easy. Motivating him to change is even more difficult. Evans supplies tools you can use to determine if your partner is likely to change and a program that can help him do so, if you think he can alter his abusive behavior. Evans uses her book as a pulpit to preach against unqualified therapists, verbal abuse in all its forms and the male-dominated society that has made such abuse possible. But, her cause is just, and we recommend this important resource to anyone who is struggling to survive an abusive relationship and to therapists who are seeking solid information.

I felt like this book was trying to understand what they could be thinking, why they are cruel and controlling and how to talk to them in a way they could possibly understand. The authors' previous books talk more directly to the woman, helping her to understand abuse, change her actions and give her a tool to confront the abuser (a written agreement). In contrast, this book talks more specifically about the deadly ways that the relationship works- the toxic interactions, the abuser's wrong thinking and unrealistic expectations and how the abuser's soul was damaged. It's not an easy book to read- it dragged up a lot of pain and anger relating both to "how could he DO this? and "why would someone do this to him as a child?" But it was helpful on the recovery path.

I read this book after leaving my husband (and about 6 months after reading Patricia's first book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship). I found both books incredibly helpful in their own way - the first book in explaining the different types of things covert verbal abusers do (many of my x-husband's behaviors upset me but it wasn't until I read that book that I finally really saw the overall pattern and fully understood how soul destroying his abuse was). She also explains the behaviors of overt verbal abusers (what most people have come to associate with the words 'verbal abuse' - name calling, yelling, threatening, etc.).

That information gave me the insight I needed to leave my marriage. What I personally couldn't understand from the first book, however, was Patricia's explanation as to why abusers do what they do and what my relationship with my husband was really about. This newer book explained that so clearly I cried for days. I found that it was essential knowledge for me in being able to let go. After all of her years of counseling both abusers and the abused, Patricia seems to really understand the thoughts and emotions behind abusive behavior. After reading this book I came away feeling more empathy for, but also more detachment from, my x-husband. It also gave me valuable insight into how damaging the relationship had really been for me.

Personally, I would recommend first reading the The Verbally Abusive Relationship before reading this book as I think it provides important background information for this book. One thing I found interesting is that in the first book Patricia listed out 16 traits she commonly found in verbally abused women. In this book she listed one - that the victim feels "irreparably flawed." I thought that was a perfect description of how I had come to feel and her book explained why I felt that way about myself. The other insight I found extremely helpful is that she doesn't recommend couple's counseling - she has found that the abusers end up manipulating the counselor into blaming the victim and it ends up empowering the abuser. After reading her explanation, I couldn't agree more.

This book provides wonderful advice for how an abuser can recover IF (the big if) they want to. Mostly however I think this is valuable for verbally abused women to better understand what is really behind the abuse and what their relationship is really about.

I am very happy Patricia wrote this book and I appreciate her work very much and have recommended it to a lot of women, but I would also like to recommend all of you to also read "Why does he do that". It is written by a man called Lundy who has worked with hundreds of abusive men in his clinic. I think his book is the best one around on this topic, it was an eye opener for me and I never allowed myself to be abused again after reading "Why does he do that". Because this book made it so clear what the game is the abuser plays. Lundy tells us that only a few brave men change. Why is that? Because being abusive pays off - abusive men get to manipulate others and have them do what they want them to do. It is a POWER OVER game! Most abusive men do not want to see what they have done, it takes a lot a courage to face your own deamons. So most do not change. They go on and find another lady to abuse. When you feel abused, you are abused! Do not allow such thing in your life for any reason what so ever. It's not worth it. And relationships without respect just does not last.

Thank God for Patricia Evans. I began by reading her previous book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship then found this latest one. Both took me through the leaving of my husband with a relative comfort that I was doing the right thing. I carried them around like a bible that I would consult as I would a therapist. A TRUE emotional life saver!!!!!

After reading this book, I am able to understand my "soon to be" Ex-husband instead of loathing him. Many times reading the book it was as if Ms. Evans was reading my mind. At times I felt both naked and relieved that I didn't have to keep the secret of my "seemingly perfect--but not" marriage any more. This book is helping me to heal.

The book is an in-depth look at what verbal and emotional abuse is. Working as a psychotherapist myself I would recommend this book to clients in these type of relationships. Also it was fascinating what type of situations Evans even labeled as abuse, situations I once didn't feel were abusive I now see are, for example even innocent joking can be abusive depending on context and situation. The book really helps the reader evaluate their own relationship and helps differentiate between what is abuse and what is not.

I read this book and presented the "Agreement" to my husband about one month ago. First off - It really got his attention! He was almost speechless for a few days! It has made a remarkable difference in the tone around our house. He read about half the book and is now reading "Controlling People" also by Patricia Evans. He admitted that he has done "some of that and doesn't want to do it anymore." The Verbal Abuse Level is down by about 75 % or so! Not only has he stopped most of his verbal abuse, but I've stopped tolerating it, so I'm feeling better about that. I know this isn't all that needs to be done to heal our relationship. I do believe it is a major beginning in tackling the behaviors that have caused a great deal of pain in our relationship. I recommend this book to anyone willing to do the work and follow through with the agreement!

This book is amazing in how true to the real life situation of verbal abuse it is. All I have to do after hearing my husband plead that he is changing is read a chapter or two of this book and I realize he is not changing at all. Ms. Evans tells us how to determine whether or not all of the criteria for change are being met as well as gently guides us to a deeper understanding of verbal abuse through real-life examples and well structured chapters.