Customer Reviews

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

5 star:		(216)
4 star:		(40)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(10)
1 star:		(33)

 

 

After almost 15 years of being married to an "Anger Addict" (as described in the book), I went to my doctor begging for a prescription for Prozac. After careful and wise probing, she gave me the prescription, but also strongly suggested I read this book. I read it on Monday, I filed for divorce on Friday. Finally, after years of trying EVERYTHING I understood why I was exhausted, hopeless, and no closer to the solution than the day I got married. This book helped me realize: It wasn't all my fault. I could never be perfect enough to stop the verbal "rages". He would have to be willing to seek counseling/therapy in order for the verbal abuse to stop (which he consistently refused to do). And, most importantly, it let me know that the verbal abuse really was doing serious, long-term damage to me as a person. I always thought if he would just "hit me" then I could leave. I learned he'd been "hitting me" (so to speak) for years. If you even THINK you might be in a verbally abusive relationship (it's not always obvious when you're in the middle of it), I highly recommend you read this book. I finally have a peaceful, content life: due in part to the courage and understanding I gained from reading it. And I didn't have to use that Prozac prescription!

buy this book! I was miserable, angry, depressed, anxious and withdrawn from the closest person in my life, my mother, and I wasted five years of my life for a monster. I gave up friends, my Mom and very nearly my life for this man. Finally I couldn't stand it any more and came on Amazon and found this book, which I read avidly, and which helped me chart my course for calmer seas. After living with criticism ranging from "You're worse than Viet Nam" to (said in a malicious, mocking tone) "Everyone loves you, everyone thinks you're wonderful, but I'm your only friend, I tell you the TRUTH" I finally started thinking; Wait a minute...I'm not a bad person, I love him, I always try to help him, make him feel better, do things for him, etc etc, then, after reading the book I realized, (BIG epiphany) that it was he who was wrong, not I. NOTHING I could do or say would make one whit of difference; this was not about the minutiae he delighted in finding, it was about POWER and ABUSE. This book, reading about other women just like me, and abusers just like him, was a revelation that motivated me to end my personal hell, and none too soon, because a few months after the End of the Relationship, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 uterine cancer. Yes, I do attribute part of this to the incredible misery and terror I lived in for so long; "disease" is, literally, a "lack of ease", and I had that in spades. I wrote in my personal journal and wrote and wrote and wrote and finally wrote my way out of his life forever. I lost the most precious thing of all, irrreplaceable, and that is TIME; my mother passed away last July and how bitterly I regret those lost years pining away for this Frankenstein when I could have been spending it with my Mom. Please, if you feel bad about your own relationship in any way, buy this book, it may save your life and a lot of grief in the process. Hindsight is always 20/20, sharpen your vision and your perceptions about your relationship NOW before you suffer any more...NOTHING is worth that kind of suffering!

Being the person I am, and desperately wanting to save my relationship with the man I loved, I picked up this book to find out how I could change myself after my husband accused me of being verbally abusive. What I found out was that *I* was actually the victim of a severe verbal abuser. EVERY aspect of verbal abuse described in this book has been used on me by this man, and I thought that I was the one with the problem - he convinced me of that - it's part of the abuse, as you will be able to understand after reading this book. I left him, and life has never been better for me. I have a long way to go in recovery emotionally, physically, and financially, but by eliminating the abuse from my life, I finally have the confidence I need to heal. Reading this book saved my spirit, and sincerely saved my life. Verbal abusers steal everything important from you...do not let them...read this book and learn how to save yourself

I didn't think I was a victim of verbal abuse, because two of the strongest elements were a desire for control on the part of the abuser, and dependency on the part of the victim. My husband is just as willing to concede control as to exercise it, and I am a very independent person who would frankly be just fine if he walked out tomorrow. I have chosen to stay in this marriage because of current circumstances with our children. However, I was in a situation where my spirit was dying day by day as a result of a defeating communication pattern in our marriage.

Patricia Evans describes two "realities" in which partners enter into conversations, largely driven by cultural upbringing, that defined exactly what causes the communication problem between my husband and I. I was able to underline descriptions on almost every page that are exactly the conversations and resulting cognitive responses on my part that are causing my death of spirit. And she provides real coping responses to those situations as they arise that I could apply immediately.

As other reviewers commented, I was just about to go on meds due to my inability to cope with my situation. I finally have my first practical tool to deal with the underlying cause - three counselors were unable to help us. Most significant is the realization that my husband and I are truly coming into conversations from two different worlds, that the situation is not my fault, and that I am not insane in perceiving what is happening as irrational - I can finally recognize what's happening and respond to it in a manner that maintains my dignity and self-worth.

My situation is one that does not require immediate walking out. I don't know if we'll be able to save the marriage for the long-term, but I am better equipped to assess my situation on an ongoing basis. I couldn't be more thankful for this book.

I have been married for 14 years and have often struggled greatly with understanding the dynamics of my relationship - why this hollow, detached feeling ? why the almost constant hurt and confusion?

I happened upon this book by accident and found a great deal of the content it contained to spell my marriage out very plainly. However, as a husband and being on the end of some viscious verbal and physical abuse from my wife I found it disturbing and offensive that my gender has been labelled the one's who 'dish it out'. I can agree that as a man I am stronger and able to absorb the physical abuse much better than a woman would, but the hurt and pain that this causes along with the humiliation of the verbal abuse I believe would be comparable to that felt by a woman. A more unbiased approach would help to reach more of us in need of help.

The startegies in this book have helped me understand my wife's reality, albeit with a great deal of grief.

My marriage may well be over because of the stand that I am making towards my wife in that she cannot continue to behave in this manner towards me and in front of my children, but after reading this book I am now more confident in the knowledge that what I am standing against has nothing to do with who I am regardless of how much I am told it is my fault. I am far from perfect but even an imperfect specimen does not deserve to be treated in this way.

I found this a good starting point in getting my being back into order.

I was in a relationship for 3 years that during the entire time, I was confused as to why I felt the way I did even though 'he' never did anything and I was 'just imagining things'. Well, my friends gave me this book and I was stunned. I thought verbal abuse was very obvious to the victim--like yelling or sarcastic remarks. Well it's not and unfortunately I experienced all forms of it in my relationship. It can be subtle abuse or outright. It can make you feel like you're insane. Normal conversation can erupt into the verbal abuser accusing you of meaning something you never meant, then he denies ever getting mad, you repeat what he first said and he denies ever saying and says you're just picking a fight, etc. If this has ever happened then read this book--it will save your sanity. I cannot begin to describe how helpful this book has been. Verbal abuse comes in many forms--and the abuser will always deny they did anything wrong and will blame you for everything. Don't be conned anymore by the abuser into putting up with their abuse because 'it's your problem and you need to work on yourself'. It's not true--they have the big problem, you need to recognize it, protect yourself, and if it's bad enough leave the relationship. There is an entire chapter on how to respond to the different forms of abuse. So if it's your mother you can finally stand up without giving in to the guilt. I have recommended this book to many, many people. I wish I had read this years ago so I would have never put up with what I did. If you can recognize it, you can stay away from it. This will expain what is going on with them--finally someone who explains what is happening! I think this should be required reading in highschool so everyone can stay clear from these people. Get it! Now

This book was a lifeline for me at a time when I was starting to doubt almost everything in a rapidly disintegrating marriage. Patricia Evans does, indeed, write almost exclusively from the viewpoint of the verbally abused female, but, from my perspective as the abused, words are even more damaging, when the attacker is female, because our society cannot comprehend the case where a man can't defend himself.
Every marriage has its own assumptions, and what may work in one will not apply in another. In our case, my wife was extremely controlling, and for years I brought home the check and handed it over. I learned, when I finally wanted a more-equal say in aspects of raising our children and planning our financial future, that I was no longer appreciated. Later, Susan Forward's book, Emotional Blackmail, validated my feelings about her need to control me and all others in our life. Verbal attacks included many of those listed in Evan's book, from subtle digs through to outright insults in front of the children, profanity at night (when no-one else would see), and suggestions of [my} mental illness to any suggestable ear. I found it very helpful to recognize the overall attack and re-claim my pride. Initially, no one, aside from a few of my in-laws, would even believe that she could behave this way. Our priest, lawyers, and even the court social worker initially didn't see it. One of my memories is being told by a degreed psychologist that her swearing was "only words"...nothing to be concerned about.
Human abusive behavior is a mix of verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, blackmail, behind-the-scenes attacks, gossip, hostage-taking (our children are still suffering, as her weapons), character assassination, and more. And men can surely be the targets as well, even when the PC view won't accept it, and the courts won't consider it.
I recommend this book and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward for the men out there who don't know what's happening or who won't believe it yet. Such abuse succeeds as long as the abused (man or woman) lets it continue. Understand that you have value and valid feelings and step in to break that cycle. The pain of change turns out to be less than the pain of staying in the same situation, and you recognize this when you lose your fear.

I am a pastor and discovered this book when I was counseling a parishioner who was in a terrible marriage. It changed her life; she left him, got divorced, moved to a new town, and is now remarried and, as she puts it, "The happiest I've ever been." I DO NOT find the book anti-male, as one reviewer suggests. I think it merely recognizes that the vast majority of abuse is male on female. One of the wonderful things about the book is that it includes a descriptive checklist: Is this, or this, or this, for example, true of your relationship. My experience is that many women in verbally abusive relationships don't know there's anything wrong happening. This book allows them to name a problem they've FELT but not had a name for. Since that first parishioner, I've given this book to innumerable women (and one man). The person has ALWAYS thanked me profusely, and told me, "It changed my life."

With friends and family trying to convince me to stay with my husband...because he was the life of the party, so sweet and kind to them, and because I would be homeless and penniless if I left...
This book saved my life. I went from a "full-of-life" woman to a weak and depressed shell-of-a-person. I was so sad and exhausted from his verbal abuse that I didn't want to go on living.
So here I am, homeless and penniless..with nothing but the clothes on my back and Patrica's book under my arm. At least I know I am not crazy and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
With all my heart...thank you.

I have experienced the confusion, self doubt, hurt and almost every one of the types of verbal abuse listed in the book. I am SICK of being lied to by abusers who were taught to abuse at their father's knee....then they blame it on you! I am so relieved to find out that no matter how hard I try, I will never talk, act or think "right" enough to please this sick man who only seeks for power and control over me. His lies are exposed with this book. His powerlessness and fear of his own feelings are his problems, not mine any more. I will NEVER take his abuse again. The more I defend myself and speak the truth, the more abusive he becomes. He says I have a "mouth" and am the "bitch", but they are really his defects. I have filed for divorce and will NEVER try to have a discussion or healthy interaction with this crazymaking male again. Thank you Patricia Evans for being a light in the darkness. I will NEVER get involved with an abusive man again. I am committed to believing in my perceptions and feelings again. No more knife in the stomach feelings from him threatening to hurt or leave me. No more believing his twisted lies. No more trying to be mutual with an anti-mutuality, antisocial, destroyer and controller. Everything he says to me is merely his projection of his own issues and hang ups onto me. I refuse to accept it. After you have been abused for so long, it destroys any love and trust there once was. His "nice guy" act that he puts on for his parents, his children and everyone else in the world, which was what initially attracted me to him, is NOT what I live with at home. He is his worst self at home behind closed doors. I want to tell everyone the truth that he is abusive, not a "nice guy" at all and never cover up for his tortureous meanness again. I have been so manipulated, controlled and lied to. Thank you again Patricia for giving me the power and the information to free myself from this hell! I feel sorry for his next victim who believes his "nice guy" act. He admitted, "Who has the energy to keep up that kind of a facade?" two months after the wedding, when he made a decision to be withholding and countering instead of empathetic when I tried to share something with him. I have been trying to get someone who isn't interested in loving, understanding and being mutually involved in the realtionship to care instead of control and abuse. What a waste of my time. This book has empowered me and set me free! He almost completely destroyed my spirit, self belief and self esteem. Rather than try to extrapolate love, from an emotionally deal,unavailable person, I am focusing on the hurt and anger I feel at how abusively I have been treated. Good bye abuser! There are so many good qualities about me that I need to remember and honor, and so much love, warmth, caring and understanding I have to give - first to myself so I can heal my still bleeding wounds. I send my love and concern to all women everywhere who have suffered this abuse. It's not right and we shouldn't put up with it. There is no justification for it - EVER. Let's stop loving, serving and enabling these men who hurt us. It's supposed to be about LOVE, not hurt. I still believe there is a man out there who is healthy, who knows how to love and who won't treat me this way. I pray we will find each other some day.