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65 of 72 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
For some women, this book is very valuable, September 25, 2006
This review is from: WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN'T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman (Paperback)
I understand there are people who do not like this book. However, there are also many women who would have benefitted from reading something like this a long time ago. I personally know many women who are single in their 30s and it is primarily due to the fact that they were taught at a young age that all they need is themselves and any dependency on men is weak and/or pathetic. I hear "He wants to get married, but marriage is such a bad deal for women". These women pretty much all want children and the guys they date are great. So, what's the problem? Many of us grew up with pressure to NOT become a wife/mother. Many of us had mothers who joked (negatively) about "housewives." I should also add for this review that my experience is mostly with middle-upper-middle class, college educated, liberal people.
This author suggests that women think earlier about marriage/having children and some think her advice is "unrealistic." It's not. I did it, am 31, and totally done with the baby thing. My oldest is already in elem. school. For most college degrees, you can complete college by age 22. That is plenty early to have a family young and have a degree waiting for when you want/need to use it. You do need to live a relatively simple life tho. You aren't going to be able to afford the top of the line car, house and vacations if you follow her advice. There are trade offs, but it is certainly not "unrealistic" advice.
As a 30 something, I also see men of my generation with very different expectations than our father's had. Our fathers grew up expecting that they would have to support familes. In my generation, men grew up expecting women would work. So, when women now have babies and decide they really want to be home after all, the men are blindsided. Some refuse to support their families. The women are surprised they want to stay home too! And maybe the women really can't because they are used to a lifestyle they can't afford on one income. I think we shock ourselves because what we always thought we wanted sometimes changes after we become parents. Sometimes those more traditional roles start looking more appealing. But, for some reason we feel we are doing something "bad" by following traditional gender roles.
The bottom line is that we need to educate our daughters realistically about the choices we have to make when we are young. What type of people we want to marry/date. People have to think about what they really want out of life and look for a partner who shares those values. However, some women in the last 30 years have been told to push out feelings of family/marriage as it is "pathetic" or "old fashioned." Men have also learned this and think that this is how women think. If they hold "old fashioned" ideas of marriage/family, they are great fodder for mockery by their female peers. They walk on eggshells making sure they don't do anything "offensive" to a woman's independence. Ask questions before you get married about family/children/expectations. Trust your gut. If you really want to be a wife/mother more than anything else..be sure you look for a guy who supports that and has similar values. They are getting harder to find. Not impossible, but make sure you discuss it before getting too attached. You may find the guy you are dating has no plans for you to be home more than 6 weeks after any future babies are born.
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48 of 54 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Right on the Money...Whether We'll Admit or Not!, May 28, 1999
By A Customer
There's a very obvious reason this book and its author find themselves at the center of controversy: the logic of this book rings all too true. As I read it, I was at first offended, then sad, then convinced that someone had bugged my home, office and brain. Crittenden is, by any standard, an astute observer of today's woman. She illustrates the unspoken sentiments of millions of women. As a single 35-year-old woman, I would love nothing more than to deny the truth of her rather grim assessments, but in my heart, I know she's right on the money in her evaluation of virtually every single woman I know. What's more disturbing to me is that I can't say these feelings I have are the product of any pressure to be married from the outside. They are the product of a natural longing the majority of women throughout the ages have had. I have been oppressed by no one into thinking I'm lesser for being single, but I have to admit I do feel somewhat unfulfilled and incomplete. There's more to life than just earning a paycheck or having the luxury of painting your toenails at three in the morning (I always laugh when I read articles on the so-called advantages of singlehood- as if things like ordering takeout or rearranging furniture on a whim can take the place of a the satisfaction of marriage and motherhood!) While I don't believe marriage is a cure-all and singleness is a curse, I do believe that this generation has perhaps too quickly dismissed the natural patterns and longings of womanhood to our everlasting regret. Why would a job-any job- give anywhere near the same level of delight as having and raising a child? A job can be gone in an instant, but I've never heard of a mother being downsized. Unappreciated, at times, yes- but God knows we've all felt that on the job, too! And why should marriage spell the end of our identities and creativities? An awful lot of men out there can be quite wonderful and supportive. In my experience, most men have been far more forgiving of me and generous with me than I've been of myself (or other women, for that matter). To avoid half the population because of a few undesirables is about as ridiculous as avoiding breathing because of the possibility of air pollution. To those who have no interest in men, marriage and motherhood-fine, by all means, skip them. But let those of us who want those things be free to choose them without feeling like we're weak-willed wimps because of it. It's ironic that the generation of women hell-bent on "having it all" may in the end have less satisfaction than any generation prior.Crittenden has given women a lot to consider- and reconsider. I thank her for articulating so well the secret longings of single women's souls.
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38 of 43 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Always good to hear an alternate view BUT, October 21, 2001
By A Customer
The author brings up a lot of questions that need bringing up, and I can appreciate that. Some aspects of her argument I heartily agree with: a lot of young women get very hurt these days by becoming too sexually available at a young age. However, the answer is in real self-respect and understanding of our real desires(intimacy, not empty sex), not a power calculation of making women less available so men are forced to marry. I also think the fact that fewer women (and men) are having children is a GOOD thing. Not everyone wants or is equipped to be a parent and a culture that allows non-interest in children as a viable option is better for our society and the environment ultimately. My biggest gripe though is that the author seems to have no knowledge of basic household economics. The time to work IS when you are in your 20s: two incomes and a frugal lifestyle coupled with a good investment plan and downpayment on a house can secure you (and your future children) in a way that one income and having babies in your early 20s cannot. My own prescription: marry early, have kids later. I was married at 22, had my daughter at 32. By the time the baby came we had a long-term stable marriage that was unlikely to collapse under the stress of having children, savings, and a house. I was in a position to negotiate a 20-hour a week jobshare following a six-month maternity leave. (The author also fails to address changes in longevity -- one's life is no longer half over at 35, more like a third, and we have to think about supporting ourselves much longer.) She also neglects the idea that many, many people are now switching careers in midlife -- I've known several women who had children in their thirties, stayed home for a while, went back to school, started a completely different career.
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