Customer Reviews

Waiting to Forget

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4 star:		(3)
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As a newly reunited birthmother, this book was recommended to me by my birth son. I cannot say how many tears I shed as I read Margaret Moorman's story. It could easily have been my own. How many poignant memoirs like this will it take to bring us all out of the closet? Moorman's emotions run the gamut of a typical birthmother in that era. As it was described to me, adoption then was totally 'barbaric'. Proof of this is the now generation of adoptees searching for their roots. Wonderful book and definitely recommended reading for anyone in the 'adoption triad'.

Ms. Moorman book is a brave one and I admire her for facing her pain and her past and how it affects her present. Her story is an American adoption story that shows we are still in the dark ages, full of wrenching heartache and misguided notions. The proof comes from Ms. Moorman's son who is described as "nice" but so worried about hurting his adoptive mother that he cannot agree to meet his birth mother at the age of 30! Think about that; here is a man who is not free and doesn't know he isn't free. Just as his birth mother didn't know the affects of losing him. This is deeply disturbing and goes to the heart of our problems with adoption...who owns this child? Is he, as an adult, still so worried about appearing ungrateful to his adoptive parents that he cannot see the mother who gave him life, and by doing so gave up so much of her own life. What message is he getting from his adoptive parents and the soicety at large that makes him act not in his own best interest? One message must be: there can only be one mother and it is the "good" mother and she must be the adoptive mother. Adoption makes these two mothers rivals. That this "boy" must turn his back on the mother who gave him life and also offers him love proves the failure of adoption. If we find it necessay to deny love and healing we are in the dark, no matter how "rational" the reason, no matter how much we tell ourselves we are right. Let's hope the story does not really end here. Let's hope we all wake up and face how adoption, as we practice it, shatters what we say we hold so dear: freedom and family and love.

First, let me say I have no hidden agenda in reviewing this book. I am not adopted, have not adopted nor am I a birth mother. I'm simply someone who likes to read non fiction. I also had some interest in reading this as one of my best friends adopted a baby 19 years ago and that child has reunited with her birthmother recently with seemingly little problems for all involved. I also had worked in a psychiatric hospital in the 80's and found that a disproportionate number of juveniles on the wards were adopted and I've always wondered why exactly that was.

This book answered some questions about that and opened my eyes to other things as well. By the end of the book, I was questioning who really benefits from adoption besides the adoptive parents. While I hate to see the "explosion" of teens having kids these days, I don't know anymore if it's always such a bad thing that they are keeping their kids. I've always felt that life must start out an uphill battle for adoptees knowing that they were rejected by their natural parents (often in all good intentions.) I also found it interesting that when she went to meetings with adoptees she saw that they had no idea how much pain the birth parents went through and continued to go through.

I liked Margaret's writing style, I like that she did not expose her son. I'm glad things turned out like they did for her. What a terrible decision she was faced with in 1965. (keep in mind, this was before Roe vs. Wade).

I am a birthmother, and if I didn't know better, I would have sworn I had written this book. I have always wanted to write my memoirs, but after reading this I feel as if most of what I'd have to say would be totally redundant.

The author has some very important things to say. Birthparents will find solace that they are not the only ones to feel the way that they do. Prospective birthparents will get a real flavor for what adoption can do to a person. And adoptive parents and adoptees will all find excellent insight into the issues that birthmothers and birthfathers must face every day.

When I read this book, I wondered why one particular birthmother chose to write such a scathing review. Moorman does not appear to think she's better than other birthmothers--she was merely stating her experiences. The fact that she didn't want to join certain groups should not be a reason to "trash" her as well as her book. Nor should Moorman be judged that she seemed delighted just to get a nice letter from her son. As a birthmother, I could relate to that; maybe she was deliriously happy just to know he really existed. Maybe she's giving her son time to get used to the fact that she "found" him.

Birthmoms' experiences and situations frequently ARE different. For example, Moorman had no other children until she was almost past child-bearing age. I believe she did feel different because of that.

I think Moorman's book reflects the reliving of her painful journey toward contact with her son. The author concludes the book as she does because her psyche needs to absorb all that has happened to her, all that she has written about. Though I would like to know more about the long-term reactions of her son, it's scary for a birthmom to say much about a relationship that is so new, and possibly fragile. That may be another reason why Moorman concludes her book with the letter--and her reaction to it.

Author Moorman obviously wrote her story the way she experienced it--not the way others believe she "should have" experienced it. One has to admire this kind of independence. It is sad that one or two birthmothers have "trashed" her work out of jealousy or spite. Birthmothers have all experienced the same pain of loss and should join together--not [belittle] those who give voice to dissimilar opinions. This book is excellent reading for someone just beginning to search. But, the searcher should read a variety of books! There are many experiences and many opinions; they all should be examined and weighed.

This book touched me deeply. I have lost 2 children to miscarriages. With my second lost, I was 4 1/2 months pregnant. The lost occured on my birthday in Feb 1998. I'll never forget how each pregnancy was different and how each baby had it's own distinction. I'm glad Margaret Moorman had finally found her son after 30 yrs of pain. Everyone has a past. But, The future is brighter.

I first read My Sister's Keeper by Ms. Moorman to get an idea of what it was like having a sibling with a mental illness. That memoir left me upset but curious in the way she informes the reader almost offhandedly that she gave up a baby in her teens. I wanted to get a fuller picture of her life and what became of her situation, so I read WTF. (For the record, I am not part of the adoption triangle in any way.)

A few things that made an impression on me was the fact that her mother was as useless as she was. In My Sister's Keeper, you get a larger picture of why she was the way she was, and Moorman seems to forgive her of her failings, but in this book her mother's crassness and hostility came to the forefront. So much tragedy in such a small family, and absolutely NO support whatsoever. Heartbreaking.

Another thing that will probably always stick with me was the observation that African Americans "make an adoption plan" far less than Caucasians, and a quote from a woman who said, "You give away puppies, not babies." This really made an impression on me.

I was aware that the author was a "left-leaning liberal Democrat" (her words) before I read this book, but when she openly says that she would have had an abortion if it were afforded her, it was jolting to my senses. I know Ms. Moorman was trying to be honest and open, but to put something like that out there for everyone, especially her "birthson" to read, seemed cruelly insensitive, even heartless.

This book seems to be written at a distance, even though the author spent countless hours in therapy. She seems to be an observer of her life, and that is probably due to her beloved father's unexpected death. I don't buy the idea that she got pregnant to replace her father, and I don't buy that she got pregnant the second time to replace her mother - much of her philosophising comes off very kooky to me.

I wonder what her outcome would have been like had her father not have passed away when he did; she may have been a little warmer in personality from having received genuine parental love (and not having to put every spare compliment her mother gave her in a "velvet box" to take out every once in awhile to admire) and support, and not been so alone so much of her life.

Although this is not a book of very much length, it seems as if the author uses the pages for journaling her therapy and what she learned from it. I wasn't interested in how she dealt with her personal issues of why she went with certain men, why she left her marriage, etc.

By the end, I was worn out from the details of every move she made and didn't make. No big firework ending, either, but I wasn't expecting one.

I am a 54 year old birth mother who surrendered a daughter in 1969 and was recently reunited with her.

I found this book fascinating but often had the urge to tell Ms. Moorman to wake up. In many ways, she never "got it", namely that she, as well as the rest of us birth parents, was manipulated and exploited by a system that found it good business to procure babies to infertile couples who seemed to believe that they were entitled to a baby whether or not nature intended to cooperate. To the end, she continues to feel unentitled to her own child. To witness, the sickening ending where she expressed such delirious happiness at getting one lone letter from her son declining contact. This is satisfaction? Give me a break! Exactly what did she believe she had accomplished ? She still did not know her son's name or whereabouts and he did not want to meet her ! Hardly a cause for celebration.

One particular passage caused me great satisfaction however. This is where she recounts having been asked by someone if she had ever given any thought to the plight of adoptive parents who wanted so much to have a child. She stated that this is no reason to appropriate someone else's child. As a parallel, would it occur to anyone to ask a married woman if she ever gave any thought to the plight of the single women who would love to find a husband? No. And to paraphrase Ms. Moorman, even if I had no husband and wanted to get one, it would never occur to me to take yours even if I was told that I was welcomed to do so.

To the end, Ms. Moorman does not realize that it is HER child, not the adoptive parents' child. The adoptive parents may have taken in the child and raised and nurtured it, they may love the child and the child may love them in return, but it is NOT their child. That is the very simple bottom line of this matter. Unfortunately Ms. Moorman has missed the point and still comes across as the unassertive and docile teenager she once was. She has stopped short of true consciousness.

I found the chronical of Moorman's pregnancy and relinquishment facinating, but throughout the book she appeared to have missed the boat on many issues. I found the ending very disappointing and lacking in insight.

There are many great books on adoption and birth-motherhood. This one just isn't one of them.