Customer Reviews

I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood

5 star:		(65)
4 star:		(9)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(6)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I bought this book because I saw an interview with the authors on 20/20 and thought that it would be an interesting and funny read. I actually went to my local bookstore and bought it the next day and looked forward to curling up and digesting it from cover to cover. When I started perusing it, I was surprised to find out that it was written in an almost condescending style and tone and was touted as a self-help book. At the beginning of each chapter, it has these lists where you can check off the dumb things that you may have done since being a mother. Also, interspersed throughout the chapters are "Dirty Little Secrets" that the authors share with you. One of them was that the author had "locked her kids in the car not once, not twice, but THREE times" and acted like this fact was entertaining and funny. Sorry, but it was not. Also, they give advice after each chapter like the ever-present and common knowledge fact that "as a mother, you need to take some time for yourself". No kidding! As if these were the first mothers to discover this new tidbit of information! The whole general tone of the book acted like because we were reading the book, that we were dumb and did not know how to balance our lives as mothers, wives, career-woman and friends. I thought it was going to be a funny collection of essays, first-hand accounts of parenting and slices of their lives as mothers that I could relate to, but after finishing the book, I almost felt insulted. The cover of the book looks great, but I would not recommend it at all.

Maybe it's the timing. I've just read a book on Shant Kenderian's book about his experience getting out of Iraq alive. Then I read this book with ladies whining that middle class life in America with two kids is just so hard and I thought modern moms have lost their perspective.

I read the book because the title was catchy and I thought maybe there were some new insights I could glean. I soon realized that there was a lot of whining and complaining to wade through to get to any helpful advice.

The authors' position is that the problem with modern motherhood is "all the choices." (p. 20) I would suggest the problem with modern mothers is the expectation of being happy (and guilt and expectation-free). Motherhood has many happy moments but the purpose of motherhood is not to make you happy. Jewish author Leo Rosten sums it up best, "I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all." When we bring another life into this world, we are faced with the needs of someone else supplanting our own. If we allow ourselves to get caught up in "my needs" versus "their needs" we will find ourselves unhappy. If we live like Rosten suggests, we will find some happiness but I think we will also find something more valuable: peace and contentment.

I was also deeply disturbed by the quotes of "I adore my husband BUT..." or "I adore my children BUT..." Would any of us like to read about how someone's love for us is conditional? I love you but I'd love you more if you weren't so time-consuming. We should be telling our husbands and children that we adore them, period. I will take the angst, the hardships, and lousy days because it means I have you and you have enriched my life.

I don't understand the purpose of including the "Dirty Little Secrets" side notes. It would seem to only enable women to further the comparison game ("Well, thank goodness I'm not as bad as her!") Most of the "Secrets" revolve around deceit. Is this the kind of life we want to live?

A lot of mothers quoted in this book do not seem to understand the purpose of children ("I thought having a baby would be like having a pet..." GASP!) I don't pretend to have the answer to that question but one thing I do know is that children are not accessories or a check mark on our "List of Things to Do in Life". Children are not widgets to be produced and marketed but independent thinkers that need guidance and training so they can contribute to society. Children are the refineries of the metal that is your character. With the right attitude, you will be a better person for having been a mother. With the wrong attitude, you're just killing time until the next event.

There were some really good things to this book and some of the quotes from mothers and personal scenarios really hit home for me. The quizzes at the beginning of the chapters while at the beginning were funny, later just made me irate. I bought the book because of the great reviews and because the title alone hit home for me. It is NOT a self-help book. I am a counselor and so have read my share of self-help books and as one other reviewer stated most of the advice in here is common sense- we just have a hard time as a group putting it into effect oftentimes.

What really irked me the most, however, was that much of the writing was aimed at a specific target group of mothers, upper or upper-middle class and I will not get into lack of cultural awareness- not to mention the hypocrisy (though I am sure unintended). The constant mention of to work or not to work for mothers, nanny or no nanny, private or public school, organic or non-organic, TV or no TV. Believe it or not, the only of these I have ever had a hard time with is whether or not to work, and it is hard but some of us really have no choice (can't afford a nanny with working, let alone if I were at home as mentioned in the book numerous times). The writing is a lot about how not to let "bitchy" women and comments get to us and not let ourselves feel so judged, when in reality, I felt judged more from much of the writings than I have ever felt by family or friends. I found myself all of a sudden worrying about things that I would have never worried about before (the need to have the "perfect themed" birthday party with all of the "right" decorations and goodie bags?). NOT a book I will be going out and buying for my working, middle classed- though educated, friends and mothers.

A friend passed this book along to me, and I read the whole thing on a plane ride after being away from my kids (4 mos & 4 yrs) for two days. I really needed a break from them, and the reality is that most of the "real" comments from mothers in this book really hit home! It was nice to know that other mothers have the same feelings about being at home vs working, and those crazy days when you can't wait until Dad gets home. However, as I read through the book, I couldn't help but notice how the authors really seem to focus on the hard or, quite frankly, sucky things about motherhood. The book came off to me as somewhat negative instead of its purpose to be a support. What about all the great things about being a mother? Even when I have a bad day as a mom (i.e. a child being diagnosed with chicken pox & bronchitis the day before the school picnic and last classes of dance & swim lessons, and same child falls down the basement steps amid screaming crys from neglected infant in background), there are always good things that happen, too. Really. I was reminded so strongly of this when I arrived home from my trip where I read this book and my husband and children came to greet me at the airport. My beautiful daughters squealed with delight and put their little arms tightly around me. Being a mom is not for the weak, but it is so much more than this book relates.

I really enjoyed this book and gave it to many for Mother's Day. It reminds you that you are not alone in the overwhelming job of being a mother! However, it was not negative and didn't "man bash"--it was refreshing.

In spite of the fact that women are juggling a lot, everything from child care to marriages to jobs (and, if they are Baby Boomers, caring for aging parents), there seem to be a huge number of mothers who still feel guilty. Why? What is the upside of that? Could it be...that they have...unrealistic expectations? No one can do it all and manage to pull it off perfectly.
Ashworth lends some much needed perspective and humor to the whole "motherhood in the modern world" quandry. She certainly reduced my stress level and put some much needed perspective into my life. Plus, I was having a heck of a good time reading this book, laughing along the way. Most mothers could benefit from reading this book, ignoring any responsibilities for the day, even (gasp!) ordering takeout so you can have a day to yourself and savor this book.

"Motherhood is one of those things that's totally impossible to picture until it happens to you. You think it will be a certain way-you won't yell at your kids, you'll have infinite patience, you'll sit on the floor for hours reading to your kids, you'll divide the parenting duties fairly with your husband-and then boom, your baby arrives and your whole world turns upside down. I mean, I always pictured myself with kids, but I didn't expect to be barely keeping it together 99 percent of the time. The days just flow together, and I'm supposed to cherish it all?" (page 33,@2007 Chronicle Books, 1st edition)

I have read a few mothering books that purport to give the real scoop on motherhood and most share a premise: the rigors of motherhood came as a surprise to modern women who enter the state unprepared. After a few harried months with their bouncy babies women begin to feel a wistfulness for their previous childless state. There is a kernel of truth here, but there are also some unexamined assumptions about the lives of modern mothers.

Assumption #1: Work in the public sphere is always fulfilling and great.
When I read the above quote I wonder just how terrific was this woman's job. Some women have jobs that afford them a measure of autonomy and creativity, but many do not. Staying at home with children may afford some women more autonomy and freedom to manage their time and workspace as they choose. Additionally, like a small business owner who enjoys the hands-on approach, the mother can directly experience how her labors promote her family's well-being.

Assumption #2: Staying home is a sacrifice in pay.
If you have more than one child, full-time childcare may easily exceed your annual pay, so yes, a woman has to scrimp to stay home, but she would have had to be just as frugal had she worked. Whether a woman remains in paid employment or chooses to stay at home, she will be called to make some financial sacrifices for her children.

Assumption #3: The pressures of motherhood are worse than the pressures of paid employment.
Again, when I look at the above quote, I wonder if this woman had it magnificently together at work. For me, a typical work day was an overloaded one, and, during deadline crunch time, the same feeling of wading from one activity to the next overwhelmed me and wrested from me any real sense of accomplishment. That motherhood also has its hectic times is no surprise, nor is managing it much different than when I was working in the public sector.

Assumption #4: Women go into motherhood with the unrealistic expectation that being a mommy is always lovey-lovey-joy-joy.
I don't know about you, but a day didn't go by in our house that my mother did not yell. And since our extended family was so prolific it didn't take much exposure to conclude that babies were uncouth in their pooping, peeing and puking, and that the behavior of small children is naturally errant and wild unless reined in. Is it true that most first-time mothers have no experience of small children? As it is still primarily women who are providing childcare, there must often be some opportunities for young girls to babysit or observe children with their mothers. Nor do I believe that all women just forget how they were mothered. Did any of our mothers spend three hours of floortime with us?

Assumption #5: That other women lie about motherhood, depicting it as more terrific than it actually is.
I've been listening to women kvetch about their children my whole life; my mother and her friends over coffee, the women I work with, my friends, my aunties and great-aunties. They love a baby, but still will nod knowingly when another woman expresses her difficulties. Though we women are famous for our social support networks, is it universally true that when it comes to children we blow sunshine up each other's bottoms, and present a false face of perfection to each other?

Assumption #6: The intelligence that moderates our behavior in the working world just flies away when we become mothers, robbing us of everything we know about time management, keeping our cool, dealing with difficult people, and perservering through difficult times.

When the above assumptions permeate self-help and other literature aimed at new mothers, the underlying tone is that being a mother is a drag. I found much to be true in Ashworth and Nobile's discussions of modern maternity, such as the need for lowered expectations and balanced priorities. But, despite the second wave of feminism being approximately 40 years behind us, I have to conclude that there is something distinctly unfeminist about this helpless tone that pervades women's literature concerning mothering. Are we truly reinventing motherhood, or just continuing those old assumptions that women are not quite up to snuff? First we were derided for our desire to participate in the public sphere, and now we are potentially too ineffectual to successfully take part in an institution as old as humanity? Read with a grain of salt.

I thought I was alone in all of my feelings of self-doubt and questioning every mothering choice I make, until I sat down and read this book. It's simply amazing. I could have written this book myself. Any mother you know, especially those with small kids, deserve to read this book and know the truth--that they are not alone in their feelings of guilt, impossible expectations, and lonliness. Thank you to the authors for their honesty and humor. I am recommending this to every one of my mommy friends!

At last, women are free to admit that motherhood is hard, children are exhausting, and anyone who pretends otherwise is clearly in need of a kick in the shins! This is a funny, gentle book that lets mothers ease up on themselves and let parenting be a process, not an event. It is very practical and honest, optimistic and empowering.

Very interesting and very witty take on how challenging motherhood (and fatherhood) can be. I thought it all rang very true.... especially about the the overblown and idealic expectations that we have for oursleves as parents and spouses. I thought the Dad chapter was great. Loved the guy on the phone in the garage while the kid is crying. Men don't feel guilt like women do and that is very true.

Of course, in this kind of "self help " book you have reflections on lots of obvious stuff which makes you say, hey I should write a book ( I had the same feeling after reading Covey's 7 Habits of Effective People). Bottom line is that this is a entertaining (but still serious discussion on the modern family's challeges). The design layout (and the humor throughout) makes it an easy to read. I blew through it in an evening.