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Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality

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This weekend I had the chance to read Wesley Hill's new book, Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality. Wesley is an old acquaintance of mine from grad school days, and a gifted writer and brilliant thinker (he is currently doing his Ph.D in New Testament at Durham in the UK). Previously Wesley had penned a brief, powerful essay exploring his own personal experience of exclusive same-sex desires, reflecting in it on his own anguished struggle of learning to relate his sexuality to the Christian gospel in a meaningful and consistent way.

In my view, neither the world nor the church has done a good job in recent decades in thinking through the complicated issue of homosexuality, or in responding both graciously and truthfully to those who identify as gay or lesbian. This sad state of affairs makes Wesley's book all the more crucial and poignant. Here I provide a basic overview of the book (160pp), but above all else I hope that many of you will make it a point to pick up a copy of it and work through it yourselves. Whether you find yourself agreeing or disagreeing with Wesley's own settled perspective, I think it unlikely you can remain unmoved as the author recounts his own story in often gut-wrenching detail, and you will certainly come to respect his authenticity and ruthless honesty throughout.

Washed and Waiting takes its title and cue from two biblical passages. I Corinthians 6:9-11 refers to the "washed" spiritual status of Christians, while Romans 8:23-25 reminds us that we are "waiting" and groaning for the future consummation of our redemption. This is the famous "already/not yet" schema (as dry academics like to put it) that pervades the New Testament, and Wesley rightly sees that it is essential to narrating one's own life well as a Christian. If only one side or the other of the contrast is taken up and accepted, either insanity or moral compromise will result. Within these two distinctly Christian images, Wesley has slowly learned to recognize the presence of Christ in his life through-not in spite of-his faltering yet faithful struggles with homosexuality.

As one who has experienced his homosexual orientation pre-consciously (it wasn't chosen), exclusively (he has never felt sexual attraction to women), and unremittingly (he has never experienced "healing" or transformation of his sexuality), Wesley is nonetheless forthright that his homosexuality is not the most defining characteristic of his life. He writes in the introduction:

"I've taken care always to make `gay' or `homosexual' the adjective, and never the noun, in a longer phrase, such as `gay Christian' or `homosexual person.' In this way, I hope to send a subtle linguistic signal that being gay isn't the most important thing about my or any other gay person's identity. I am a Christian before I am anything else. My homosexuality is a part of my makeup, a facet of my personality. One day, I believe, whether in this life or in the resurrection, it will fade away. But my identity as a Christian-someone incorporated into Christ's body by his Spirit-will remain." (p. 22)

Wesley unapologetically makes clear from the beginning that he is convinced-as difficult and as costly as the conviction is for him on a personal level-that the only legitimate Christian response to homosexual desires is to remain celibate. Engaging in same-sex romantic relationships is out of bounds in the kingdom of God-as, of course, are quite a few other things. In this he will not be popular with many, though I think his voice needs to be heard in a culture that is increasingly allowing only one side of an important conversation to be heard.

After a lengthy, captivating introduction in which he shares his own biographical experience of being a gay Christian, Wesley moves on in chapter 1 ("A Story-Shaped Life") to give a brief defense of why he remains convinced that as a Christian he must say no to his sexual desires. To back up his own endorsement in this chapter, I also would highly recommend that any thoughtful Christians who are interested in exploring this issue further read Richard Hay's chapter on homosexuality in his magnificent book, The Moral Vision of the New Testament: Community, Cross, New Creation. Also, I found especially insightful Wesley's dawning realization that it is within the story of the gospel-creation, fall, redemption, consummation-that his own experience with homosexuality makes the most sense in the most all-encompassing way: the shame and the joy, the ugly and the beautiful, the depression and the anticipation fit within the story of the cross and resurrection.

In chapter 2 ("The End of Lonlieness"), Wesley relentlessly opens up about the darkest layers of his life as a celibate gay Christian-namely, his longing for relationships of mutual desire and his fear that he will never know or be known in the way that his entire being aches for. In my own quite limited experience of knowing homosexual Christians with some level of intimacy, I have found Wesley's interpretation of his own experience to be the norm. At the same time, this perpetual feeling of profound loneliness is where I feel most "outside" my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who share this burden. So I am thankful for Wesley in humbly allowing me to gain a glimpse of what such a sacrifice has entailed (and continues to entail) for him in taking up his cross to follow Jesus as Lord. His ruminations in this chapter on God's design for the church-the community of believers who allow their lives to be shaped by the gospel-is powerful stuff. God's presence is meant to be mediated to us mainly through other followers of Jesus whom He likewise indwells through His Spirit. We need each other. What a glorious vision. What a heartbreaking tragedy that so much of the contempoary church is light years away from this calling, lost in games and trivality and obsession with self. Lord, have mercy on us.

Chapter 3 ("The Divine Accolade") focuses on Wesley's life-long suspicion that he is shamefully and utterly displeasing to God on account of his sexual orientation and desires. While this still clearly remains a daily battle for Wesley, he lets the audience in on his hope: that in Jesus, sinners can become loved and beautiful before God. Indeed, one day we will receive praise from God Himself when the Lord-in Augustine's wondrous phrase-crowns His own gifts of grace in our lives, glorifying both Himself and us in the process. Relying on C. S. Lewis' classic essay "The Weight of Glory", Wesley points to the Christian hope of one day entering fully into a relationship-both with God in Christ and with other redeemed sinners-of desiring and being desired without shame or guilt, of giving and receiving without hesitation or reserve. We will be "a real ingredient in the divine happiness." In light of this tremendous weight of glory and satisfaction which is coming, our present sufferings are not worthy to be compared. Yet at the same time, in light of this still-outstanding promise which often appears to us as a faint specter on the horizon, we groan as we wait for it. By faith.

Finally, I should mention that in several "interludes" Wesley includes helpful and touching accounts of two well-known gay Christians who also, like the author, came to the painful conclusion that God's purposes for their lives included celibacy: Henri Nouwen and Gerard Manley Hopkins. Yet being dead, they still speak. As does Wesley Hill, and I hope you will take the time to listen to his story.

I saw Wesley speak yesterday at the Story:2010 conference in downtown Chicago. I volunteered and so didn't get the conference swag bag (which had his book in it), but I managed to score a copy at the end. I read almost all of it on the one hour train ride from the city out to my apartment.

What's so powerful about Wesley's 'testimony,' and this book in particular, is the way that he manages to bring together two things which are constantly painted as being in opposition to one another, both by the church and by wider culture. On the one hand, Wesley is up front and honest about being gay. As he went through puberty, he discovered that he consistently reacted differently than his male peers. His story defeats simplistic "gay is a choice" rhetoric as well as challenging the assumption that everyone who is gay must have some sort of childhood psychological trauma that, once addressed, will unlock that person's true heterosexuality. He grew up in a conservative, close, loving, Christian household, and had a relationship with both his mother and his father. He simply felt different about his sexuality from the get-go, often despite his best efforts.

On the other hand, Wesley began to own, from a fairly young age, his Christianity. He believed in the gospel and found, as he grew older and read more, that he believed the Bible to be true; that he trusted Christ as the one who could save him from death and forgive him from sin; that he agreed with the Bible's overall narrative and picture of reality; that he believed the Bible to be accurate, authoritative, and sacred scripture. He is an evangelical and comparatively conservative Christian who went to school at Wheaton College and is currently working on his PhD dissertation (on Paul and the doctrine of the Trinity - I asked him about this at the conference when I had a chance to talk with him briefly!).

The title "Washed and Waiting" reflects Wesley's understanding of the reality in which believers (gay and straight) find themselves: the reality of being saved and forgiven and transformed through Christ's resurrection while still awaiting the final and ultimate redemption that will only come at the consummation of the kingdom of God. His book is unique in that it articulates a distinctively homosexual response and wrestling with this reality: for someone who is gay, the only response that still takes seriously the authority of the Bible and the reality of salvation through Jesus Christ is celibacy.

Wesley's excellent scriptural and theological articulation of life between the two poles of "washed" and "waiting" gives hope and encouragement to anybody - not just homosexuals - who struggles with persistent sin, doubt, loneliness, and struggles despite being a follower of Jesus. The truth that homosexuals and heterosexuals both find themselves ultimately faced with the same tension - living between the two poles of "washed" and "waiting" - has the potential to be a powerful message of reconciliation and strength in the evangelical church.

There are other important themes touched on in this book, such as the fact that our present culture tends to suggest that the height of humanness and intimacy is sexual activity, while the New Testament, in opposition to this, says that the height of such things is membership in the body of Christ. I'll simply conclude by saying that Wesley's book offers an important two-sided corrective. On the one hand this book seeks to correct those who think a biblical worldview is stifling, restrictive, and damaging for gay persons. If what the Bible says about human flourishing is true - and there is good reason to think so - then it is only within God's plan for humanity that individual persons, gay or straight, can ultimately be set free and healed. On the other hand this book seeks to correct and challenge those evangelicals who are uncomfortable around or who avoid gay people, or who still persist in the simplistic (and psychologically / spiritually / historically untenable) notion that homosexuality is always and for all persons a choice. To them, Wesley would say simply: What are you doing to make your churches places where people who struggle with loneliness, shame, and isolation - which certainly includes celibate Christian homosexuals but is not limited to them - are welcomed, strengthened, warmed, supported, and loved? It's a challenging thought.

I hope that Wesley continues to write. His theological acumen and writing style are both razor-sharp, and I'd be interested to see what he has to say about other areas of theology. But I also hope that this book inspires other people to be open and honest with their church communities about their sexual struggles. That area of struggle is so shame- and fear-inducing, and it's simply not biblical for local churches to hinder rather than help believers in this area. That arena must also be redeemed and believers must learn to be more honest about their own struggles, sexual and otherwise. Wesley's book is an important clarion call for all believers regardless of their sexual orientation. I hope it gains a wide hearing.

Wesley Hill is a most counter-cultural person: he is a homosexual Christian who nevertheless believes that 1) the Bible is categorically against all forms of homosexual expression, including a loving, committed relationship and 2) this condemnation is sound. As such he has committed himself to celibacy, unless (or until) he develops an attraction to the opposite sex.

In this eloquent, fascinating book, Hill recounts his struggles as a homosexual Christian and gives an apologia for his current position. His struggle is two-fold: despite much prayer and pleading, he has not experienced a dramatic reversal of his sexual orientation, so he continues to be tempted by lustful feelings for other men. But because he believes it would be wrong to act on them, he experiences intense loneliness as well as shame. Given this two-front struggle, readers will wonder why he does not simply change his stance and enter a committed homosexual relationship. Why continue to abide by behavioral restrictions which most of our society views as outdated and puritanical anyway?

The simple reason is that Hill believes the Gospel to be true: it reveals the truth about why God created the universe, including human beings, and what He intends for them. Because of that, the biblical condemnation of homosexuality is not arbitrary and tyrannical, but in fact a reflection of the way things ought to be in God's creation. If you're instructing someone how to use a car it is not arbitrary or tyrannical to insist that they must fill the tank with gasoline instead of vinegar: cars were made to run on gasoline, not vinegar. Even though this is a short book, Hill quite convincingly argues that the biblical narrative does, indeed, frown upon homosexual relationships. Thus, for a homosexual Christian who insists on being true to the Bible, celibacy is the only option.

This is not to say that celibacy comes easily, even for a committed Christian. In fact, Hill recounts for us a life full of struggle, sighs, loneliness and desperation. After all, sexual longing is one of the most powerful desires we can experience, and we tend to view sexual expression as essential to living a fulfilling human life. By way of response, Hill suggests that this view of sexuality is an idol of modernity, and that sexual love, while amazing, is not the highest form of human love.By the end Hill is convinced that the God-given cure for loneliness is the kind of deep friendship that exists among the brothers and sisters in the Church, as well as the recognition that God Himself desires us, no matter our sexual orientation or our past sins.

This is an incredibly powerful, uplifting little book. Hill writes eloquently and liberally quotes from classics in theology, literature and even film in support of his discussion. Some of the quotes themselves are worth the price of the book. But most importantly, Hill has given us an honest, searching account of the struggle of homosexual Christians to be faithful to the Gospel. Perhaps the most important thing that I took away from it is that, even though I'm not homosexual myself, I too face my own set of temptations and my own idols that I have to sacrifice in order to be faithful to the Gospel. For example, I am still single and must contend with the biblical mandate that sex be confined to the marriage bed. So his comments on the struggle with temptation are directly applicable to me personally, as I'm sure they would be to any reader regardless of their particular temptations.

I am very grateful to Wesley Hill for writing this book, and I pray that he may find the acceptance and relational fulfillment that he is looking for.

In ways that other books of similar type fail to convey the desperation and hope of following Christ, Wes Hill writes as one who is wrestling with his sin and who trusts in Christ alone, not his success or failure in conquering that sin. Far from being an apologetic for living in sexual sin, this book gives hope to those who are wrestling with their sin (whether sexual or of another variety) by pointing to Christ's finished work on the cross and applying it to one's life with a diligence that can only come from the cross.

Wes keeps the Gospel of Christ, not our response to it, central to his book. In doing so, he emphasizes the external reality of the Gospel which makes it all the more potent in application to individual situation. Pastor, if you have a congregation of any size, someone in your pew is attracted to the same sex. This is not a problem for "them out there," it's a problem for you and requires nothing less than an understanding which comes from the Gospel. Take this, read it and pass it on to your elders/deacons/small group leaders.

I do not know where people have gotten the idea that life is supposed to be easy. Perhaps it is from fairy tale endings that we begin to believe that there is an answer out there that will take all the pain away, that life should make sense, and that things will all work out in the end. Christ himself fully embraced the painful death that he would face and spoke of it often. The Gospel of John records one such instance with these concluding words:

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."
(John 16:33 ESV)

Jesus meant that we are not only to find our identity in him and the work that he would do, but that we are co-heirs with him as his brothers and sisters (Hebrews 2:5-19).

In his book, Wesley Hill, a celibate gay Christian, shares his struggle with sin and how the Bible gives hope, not condemnation for people who share his struggle. With scholarly dexterity he fleshes out the biblical teaching , which is offensive to conservatives and liberals alike: that homosexual activity is sinful, but that the homosexual is like any other sinner at the mercy of the grace of God and in no way out of His reach.

Before you count yourself out because you are not gay, each of us are in this with him. While there is very identifiably unique pain that comes from having to resist what seems to come so naturally, Hill rightly connects his struggle with that of every Christian in working to stay faithful to the call of Christ. He challenges the idea that we are guaranteed sexual fulfillment and acknowledges that most people, gay and straight, struggle with temptation to be unfaithful to their spouse and to look beyond their vows for comfort. None of us are immune to sexual sin.

The glory of God and the strength of his redeeming work is not put down at the threshold of sexual orientation or indesgression, but recognizes every sin as being worthy of death and in need of cleansing. In intelligent and heartfelt prose, Wesley shares about the loneliness, frustration, and despair that he feels in his sin and the hope that he shares with every Christian which is grounded in the atoning work of Christ.

Nearly two thousand years ago, Good Friday gave way to Easter Sunday, and at the end of history, when Jesus appears, death will give way to resurrection on a cosmic scale and the old creation will be freed from its bondage to decay as the new is ushered in. On that day there will be no more loneliness. The wounds will be healed. I expect to stand with Henri Nouwen [a celibate gay Catholic priest] at the resurrection and marvel that neither of us is homosexual anymore, that we both-together with every other homosexual Christian [and might I include every Christian]-are whole and complete in the fellowship of the redeemed, finally at home with the Father.

This is a must-read for any Christian who knows someone who is gay, but who cannot seem to face how God could love and include them. It is a book can be challenging for any person who is gay and wanting to know how they can learn to be faithful to his design. It is a challenge for any Christian who has struggled with sexual sin of any kind, because it presents the truth of who we are in Christ.

This is a book for every Christian who struggles with sin; we all stand in judgment if it were not for Christ.

This short read speaks volumes more than most books on this topic. Hill's honest wrestling with the topic of homosexuality is a breath of fresh air in the conversation. Too often in this debate we are forced to choose between trivializing the homosexual struggle ("pray out the gay") or trivializing scripture's strong stance on Godly sexuality to come up with a neatly packaged answer. Hill chooses neither and instead presses into the hard middle road of determining not just what scripture says, but what it would mean to live it out.

He also does so with remarkably well-written prose. Short and sweet, yet each page is loaded with wisdom. I HIGHLY recommend this book to all, but especially "gay Christians". Hill paints a beautiful picture of hope that is so much needed.

While on the surface, Washed and Waiting might look like any number of books published regarding homosexuality and the church, making that assumption would be leave one far wrong. Instead of a treatise on the evils of homosexuality or some theological gymnastics to explain away the biblical prohibition, Wesley attempts to simply explain who he is and what he believes. It is an intensely personal journey, as he shares his struggles and heart. The end result is something that speaks into far more situations than simply his.

As a straight, married, father of 5 I have little in common with Wes. However, as a man and Christian who has struggled with temptation, I can go beyond relating and almost walk with him. The specifics are different, but the conclusions drawn in the first chapters can apply to any sin issue. Whether it's dealing with same-sex attraction, lust (for any gender), compulsive lying, or anything else for that matter, we can glean much from the experience Wesley has lived. His journey highlights several specifics of note: 1. Sin is sin and we must acknowledge it as so; 2. Community is the only way to win in a sin battle (not personal resolve or chutzpah); 3. Giving up something to gain everything is the heart of the human condition coupled to Christ.

While those thoughts may not be groundbreaking (many have written similar things), the way they are presented is. We are a narrative people, which is why Jesus told stories all the time, and we relate best and learn the best from stories. Whether he meant to or not, the structure or the book being built around intensely personal stories brings home the truths in a way that mere words, no matter their eloquence, could. You find yourself relating to the struggles through the mirror of your own issues, seeing his answers and realizing (hopefully!) that the same answer can easily apply to you. As a youth pastor, I am hoping that is what happens as our senior high is going to embark on a journey through the book. Normally, something I have reviewed doesn't find its way into ministry this quickly, but the reading of this book caught me in ways that I didn't expect.

In fact, because of the experience I had reading the book, I am optimistically hopeful that it will have the same affect on my students. If it doesn't, that is also fine, as the secondary goal is to get them to struggle with something that culture says is beyond okay. In fact, even many churches go that route. If they can learn how anyone, gay or straight, male or female, weird or normal, deals with this Christian life, it is surely a good thing. If they learn that restraint, in any circumstance, is better than giving in to the temptation, it's more than worth the reading. If they learn that dealing with sexual orientation is still a choice (meaning they don't have to act on their sexuality, it merely is), it's worth far more than the price of the books.

Whether you agree with him or not, tagging along on this portion of Wesley's journey should show you someone who is authentically trying to live out faith. More than that, it ought to show what being faithful in any circumstance might look like. Get the book, read it, and engage with Wesley as he strives to be faithful to God and himself...

Wesley Hill starts off by describing his own situation and where he's coming from in this reflection. Hill states that his experience is different from both those in mainline protestant churches that have a "homosexual holiness" narrative and those in the evangelical churches that have experienced a transformation because of Christ. "So this book is neither about how to live faithfully as a practicing homosexual person nor about how to live faithfully as a fully healed or former homosexual man or woman." (15-16) This book, according to Hill is about "how, practically, a nonpracticing but still-desiring homosexual Christian can `prove, live out, and celebrate" the grace of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit in homosexual terms." (16)

I can appreciate the position that Hill is coming from. I might not agree with it, but I can definitely respect it. I can respect it because he's talking about his understanding of Scripture. But in the midst of discussion his understanding, he also bring to the table the opposite argument. He discuss why arguments don't seem compelling. He doesn't dismiss those arguments, but rather discusses the difficulty in begin a celibate, homosexual Christian.

Overall, I found this an interesting read. It didn't take me long to get through the book (the book comes in at 160 pages, and the book is smaller than the usual book). Hill uses his own personal journey and weaves in his own reflection of living as a celibate, homosexual Christian. This book is well worth the read.

Disclaimer:

I received this book free from Zondervan as a part of the Washed and Waiting Blog Tour. Providing me a free copy in no way guarantees a favorable review. The opinions expresses in this review are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."'

One of the things I remember from a grad class about understanding diversity is that often people do not focus on their identity as ... until they are a minority in that area. So people often do not think about their maleness, until they are in a class of all women. They do not think about their Appalachia roots until they live in New York City.

Wesley Hill has a better understanding of the purpose and use of sex from a Christian perspective than most Christian books on sex or marriage that I have read. I think it is in part because of his struggle to understand sexuality as a consciously gay Evangelical (and so sex is something he cannot have).

There are three things that this book really gets right. One it is very consciously personal. About half of the book recounts Hill's struggle to understand his sexuality and his decision about why he feels that the only way he can be authentically Christian and still true to himself is to be celibate. The second thing that he gets right is that he does not keep it personal. He tracks two others Christians that also were both gay and celibate (Henri Nouwen and Gerald Manley Hopkins). Hill is still young, as a 20 something he does not have the life experience to discuss celibacy as a long term lifestyle and I think he wisely brings in the experience of two now deceased men. The picture of these men is not all that pretty, they lived tortured and lonely lives, but that is also part of what Hill will live as well if he continues to choose a celibate life. The third thing that I really appreciate is a view of sexuality as something that is not a 'right'. And he views all of life as a possible means of teaching us to be like Christ. This connectedness of life to Christ is important to how he understands God. God is not a cosmic killjoy that says he can't have sex out of meanness, but instead God has created a world that is fallen and that God uses the fallenness to mold us into the people he (God) wants us to be.

What I want for Hill is a better understanding of community and friendship. I understand why he has issues with community and friendship, but I think it is a result of a weakness of modern American Evangelical theology more than anything else. I want him to read Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions to help understand how cross-gender (or in his case other male) friendships can be non-erotic and fulfilling. And I think that a better understanding of monastic theology would help him understand the role of community in faith formation better.

Overall, I really recommend this book. Anyone that has friends struggling with same gender attraction will find a better understanding of the struggle in this book. Anyone that is struggling with celibacy (gay or straight) will find a good understanding of the role of celibacy in the church. I also think many married people will find his understanding of sex useful because sex in marriage is not (or should not) be about personal fulfillment like what culture makes it out to be.

___________

I received this book from the publisher for purposes of review. I have passed it on to a friend.

Homosexuality. The word stirs many reactions today. Many Christians who don't know homosexuals personally, remain puzzled and scared by this term. Many suspect the word does not picture a reality, only an intentional perversion of God's created order. Pat answers are easy, and when it comes to homosexuality a simple Bible-based condemnation seems all that is in order. It is easier and more convenient for us to file the word, and whatever reality it represents, away into a tidy corner -- far away from our experience.

But in today's world, we can no longer afford to ignore homosexuality. It is all around us, and if we open our eyes, we'll see it is affecting people we rub shoulders with at work, it's in our children's schools, and even has entered our churches. The debate is here, and more. It's not just a debate, there is a secret battle being waged in countless hearts around us. A battle to believe in Jesus despite personal homosexual attractions.

When the church takes a very public, vocal and aggressive stance against homosexuality and perceived encroaches on the church's favored family ideal, we inadvertently make it hard for those among us struggling with identity questions of their own. On the other hand, when churches change their message, dismissing Biblical statements condemning homosexual practices outright, or employing some cunning and inventive "exegesis", the core of Gospel truth is betrayed. And any message left over is spiritually bankrupt. What is needed is a careful balance between a Scriptural approach to homosexual practice as sin, and a gracious acceptance of sinners who are struggling to follow Jesus.

That balance is hard to achieve and frankly, quite rare today. Consider the words of an anonymous Christian who struggles with homosexuality:

"What if the church were full of people who were loving and safe, willing to walk alongside people who struggle? What if there were people in the church who kept confidences, who took the time to be Jesus to those who struggle with homosexuality? What if the church were what God intended it to be?" (pg. 113)

This perspective may be new to many of us. When is the last time that you or I have known someone struggling with homosexuality? Not one given over to it, but one who professes to be a Christian yet openly admits to struggles in this area? What would it be like to be a Christian struggling with this? Can you even be a Christian if you experience homosexual desires? Isn't Jesus supposed to miraculously heal you of such a warped perspective?

In a new book from Zondervan, Wesley Hill bravely steps forward to share his own journey with us. In "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality", Hill tells the story of his life-long struggle with homosexuality. He shares the hopes and struggles, the loneliness and longing, the despair and perplexity that is life for homosexual Christians. What Hill has to say needs to be heard throughout the church today. His honesty and candor, and his gospel-centered, graceful, hopeful perspective make the book a joy to read. He offers hope for all who struggle against sin this side of the resurrection.

The book is well-written and captivating. Hill finds the right balance in conveying what it is like to think like he does, and feel like he feels, without dragging the book down into a cesspool. He keeps the story moving and intersperses reflections on the testimony of other self-professed Christians who struggled with homosexual desires.

Hill grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian school and went to a Christian college (Wheaton). He even pursued Christian ministry. He would appear a typical conservative-minded Christian from a loving home. But he learned as a young teenager that something was different with him. He had no sexual attraction for women, at all. Instead, his feelings were directed toward the other sex for apparently no reason that he has yet been able to discover. One story he tells captures his reality well. He was attending a dance at a friend's wedding. A friend, set him up to dance with a gorgeous girl. And yet even in close quarter with this stunning beauty, he felt no attraction. Instead his eyes were wandering against his will to a man across the room who he couldn't help but notice.

Hill's story goes on throughout the book. He is still young (in his late twenties) and realizes he doesn't have all the answers. But he hopes his story helps others like him come to grips with who they are, and the calling Christ has for them. Hill realizes that some homosexual Christians do experience a healing of their broken desires. But many do not. He writes for "homosexual persons who have tried -- and are trying -- to `become heterosexual' and are not succeeding and wonder, for the umpteenth time, what exactly it is that God wants them to do." (pg. 19)

Hill's testimony of the struggle and perplexity that surrounds homosexuality, helps explain the attraction of homosexual accommodation by the Church. It's surely easier to remain connected with one "soul-mate" than to struggle against one's natural impulses. Hill observes:

"Occasionally it strikes me again how strange it is to talk about the gospel -- Christianity's "good news" -- demanding anything that would squelch my happiness, much less demanding abstinence from homosexual partnerships and homoerotic passions and activities. If the gospel really is full of hope and promise, surely it must endorse -- or at least not oppose -- people entering into loving, erotically expressive same-sex relationships. How could the gospel be opposed to love?" (pg. 56)

Hill goes on to challenge this "easy way out." He explains how and why abstinence from forbidden pleasures is essential to upholding the true Gospel. "One of the hardest-to-swallow, most countercultural, counterintuitive implications of the gospel is that bearing up under a difficult burden with patient perseverance is a good thing." (pg. 71).

Hill's struggles bring alive the hidden suffering of Christians struggling with this sin. There is an intense loneliness. First, it is hard to share with other Christians that you struggle with this issue. Second, if you agree that abstinence is God's will, you will pull back from non-sexual relationships with others of the same sex for fear of temptation or rejection (if they knew the real you). Finally, for those who cannot just "switch" their inbred sense of attraction, for those who cannot just "become heterosexual", or those who through long years of effort find they cannot, these are faced with a lonely future with no possibility of waking up next to the one you love and sharing life together. Hill shared some of his personal diary notes on this point: "And don't you think we're wired (Genesis 2!) to want the kind of companionship that can only come through marriage?" (pg. 106).

An even more devastating point comes in Hill's discussion of lust. He quotes Dallas Willard to the extent that to merely look (or see) and desire someone sexually is not wrong. Rather, looking to desire someone is wrong. The second glance is the one with evil intent. Hill shares what it feels like to "look and desire" in a homosexual way, and how this is even more hopeless than those who struggle against inordinate heterosexual desires:

"For me and other gay people, even when we're not willfully cultivating desire, we know that when attraction does come -- most of the time, it could be as unlooked for and unwanted as it was for me that day on the dance floor at my friends' wedding reception -- it will be attraction to someone of the same sex. And in those moments, it feels as though there is no desire that isn't lust, no attraction that isn't illicit. I never have the moment Dallas Willard describes as "looking and desiring" when I can thank God that he made me to be attracted to women... Every attraction I experience, before I ever get to intentional, willful, indulgent desire, seems bent, broken, misshapen. I think this grieves [God], but I can't seem to help it." (pg. 136-137)

This experience of brokenness and uncontrollable desires is not uncommon. Hill speaks for many when he writes these words. Hill quotes Martin Hallett of True Freedom Trust, "There are probably nearly as many Christians with homosexual feelings who do not believe that homosexual sex is right for Christians as there are those who are advocating its acceptance." (pg. 16)

The beauty of this book is that Hill not only describes the struggle, he also explains how he has found peace with the burden. His "life as a homosexual Christian... has simply been learning how to wait, to be patient, to endure, to bear up under an unwelcome burden for the long haul." (pg. 50). Rather than seeing his struggles and shortcomings as "confirmations of [his] rank corruption and hypocrisy", Hill has gradually learned to view his journey "of struggle, failure, repentance, restoration, renewal in joy, and persevering, agonized obedience -- as what it looks like for the Holy Spirit to be transforming me on the basis of Christ's cross and his Easter morning triumph over death." (pg. 144). His insights on sanctification deserve to be quoted in full:

"The Bible calls the Christian struggle against sin faith (Hebrews 12:3-4; 10:37-39). It calls the Christian fight against impure cravings holiness (Romans 6:12-13, 22). So I am trying to appropriate these biblical descriptions for myself. I am learning to look at my daily wrestling with disordered desires and call it trust. I am learning to look at my battle to keep from giving in to my temptations and call it sanctification. I am learning to see that my flawed, imperfect, yet never-giving-up faithfulness is precisely the spiritual fruit that God will praise me for on the last day, to the ultimate honor of Jesus Christ." (pg. 146)

What Christian cannot say amen to that? I found Hill's honesty and frank discussion of his wrestlings against the sinful pull of his soul, inspiring and hope-giving even for broken heterosexuals like me. We could learn a lot from listening to homosexual Christians who are fighting to follow Jesus with a pure heart.

Hill encourages others struggling with this sin to be open about their struggles with others, to seek help, and find a church community to be a part of. Hill's message also challenges churches today to be a community of Christ-loving people who minister with His gracious hands and loving heart to all those in need around them.

This book packs quite the punch for 160 short pages. It has opened up the struggle of what it means to be homosexual to me in a new way. It gives me hope and confidence that the Gospel of Jesus Christ does work, even for those with such a burden to bear. I pray and trust this book will make a wide impact among churches of all kinds, but especially the more conservative churches.

I have but one small reservation with this book. Hill details both a Roman Catholic's and Greek Orthodox's struggle on this issue with no caution about the deficient theology of those churches. There may be genuine Christians who are RC or Orthodox, but they are the exception not the rule. Perhaps those faiths are more open to the struggle for faithful celibacy and so have something he can identify with. As a Protestant, I fear the Gospel can be at stake in so easily recommending Catholicism and Greek Orthodoxy with their denial of justification by faith alone.

One brief personal note, too, if I may. As I read the acknowledgments, I was delighted to find many names I recognized from Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis where I was a member for four years. It's a joy to think that my former pastor John Piper and the apprentice program he and others have poured their lives into was blessed to make a positive impact in Wesley Hill's life. It shows that conservative evangelical churches can and do minister to struggling homosexual Christians.

I pray more churches would avail themselves of resources like this book and aim to think through what a full-fledged, Biblical perspective on homosexuality really means. I cannot recommend this book any more highly.

Disclaimer: This book was provided by Zondervan for review. I was under no obligation to offer a favorable review.