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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
9 of 9 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Honest and intense,
This review is from: Wasn't Love Supposed to be Enough? (Mass Market Paperback)
I read this book because I am an adoptive parent and a (volunteer) co-facilitator of a new support group for adoptive parents. I was delighted to know of the comprehensive educational/support services for adoptive families provided by VanSlyck and colleagues through their "parent" organization, Parenthesis Family Advocates. VanSlyck, et al., do an excellent job of making a case for the availability of such services and provide a useful model for others seeking to develop such programs.I was also very interested in the data gathered through the youth support groups, offering insights into the adoptive experience through youngsters' point of view. The advice they offer adoptive parents is interesting and thought-provoking. The real heart of the book is the personal stories of adoptive parents who have been long-term members of an adoptive support group. When I got to this section, I couldn't put the book down. I appreciated the openness and honesty of these folks, with their disturbing stories of the pathological behavior they experienced in their youngsters (the majority of whom got into major trouble in school and with the law and/or needed out of home placement at some point), the failure of professionals and social service systems to offer them real help, and their intense pain at the unraveling of their relationships with their well-loved youngsters and the chaos of their personal and family lives. The authors do a good job of identifying common themes among the stories and the experiences of other adoptive parents they have served. Stylistically, there is some repetitiveness in the opening chapters, and the book was poorly proofread-- there are many typos. More subjectively, I was dismayed at one couple's "writing off" of their lesbian adoptive daughter as "lost" to them, simply because of her lifestyle. An editorial comment, such as those included with others' stories, might have pointed out that the gay or lesbian lifestyle is not universally recognized as unhealthy or dysfunctional, that many gay or lesbian people enjoy close relationships with their parents, and that this family may develop stronger ties in the future. I would NOT recommend this book to prospective adoptive parents any more than I would advise couples expecting a baby to read a book about inmates of death row who were raised by their biological parents. These families' experiences are the extreme-- hardly the norm for adoptive parents and adoptees. This book, thus, lacks a larger perspective and could have benefitted from any of the following additions: stories/case studies of adoptive families served by the agency who did not experience crises of the magnitude conveyed in the book; stories/case studies of other adoptive families who constructively dealt with adoption issues at different developmental stages but whose children never acted out pathologically; a discussion of risk factors which may increase the changes of serious behavior problems in an adopted individual (such as a diagnosis of fetal alcohol syndome, or multiple pre-adoptive placements). I WOULD recommend this book to adoption professionals and others working with adoptive families; it is quite an eye opener for those who believe a child who acts out is a product of a dysfunctional family. With some discretion, I would also recommend this book to some adoptive families-- the few who, like the parents in this book, are going through Hell with their kids and would benefit from knowing they are not alone; and others, like me, who are experiencing some bumps along the road but can say, after reading this book, that our kids and families are much healthier than we sometimes fear. I am extremely grateful to the parents and youth who courageously shared their own stories and to the authors for making this book available.
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