Customer Reviews

The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World

5 star:		(36)
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3 star:		(1)
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Being the mother of 2 very different little boys, I own plenty of books about child development and a few books on raising boys. This is, by far, the best book I have seen on raising boys. Not only does it explain how little boys are different (which many books do), but it gives extremely helpful advice about how to help boys practice social and emotional skills. I have found myself nodding to the author's common sense advice, backed up with research. Boys WILL be boys, darn it! As a society, we must stop overdiagnosing and overmedicating our young children. We must adjust our expectations. Not lower them, but adjust them to fit with the development of little boys.

I have found the book to be mainly geared to parents of young children (mostly ages 2-8 or so). However, I think this book would give mothers of any aged boy some extremely helpful background information on why boys act the way they do. They could also tailor the advice to fit older children.

Bravo!

Length:: 0:54 Mins

I highly recommend THE WAY OF BOYS. I would like to personally thank this author for saying that we need to accept: that boys develop at a different pace and in different ways as girls; that we need more male teachers in the lower grades; and that we need to think twice before accepting a diagnosis of ADD and ADHD and then putting young boys on medication. As the author notes, resources for counseling are often limited and this can lead to a therapist or doctor giving a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD within the space of a 20 minute consultation, and this can lead to medication. More thought needs to be put into diagnosing and treating conditions that boys may have. More thought needs to be given to the possibility that these boys may not actually even have conditions but may just be developing differently from girls because, after all, boys are different from girls. During the early phases of education girls are more prone to "behave" themselves.

For elaboration on my thoughts about this book, please see the accompanying video review. For more information on the fact that different people learn in different ways and at different paces, please see the book What Smart Students Know: Maximum Grades. Optimum Learning. Minimum Time. (Note: In my video review when I say "I proved them wrong" I am of course referring to my first grade teacher who said I had learning disabilities because I wasn't learning to read at the pace she felt appropriate.)

This is one of the books I want every parent of a boy, friend of a family with a boy, teachers and simply concerned people to read.

It is rich beyond words with wisdom as well as common sense. Sure, as the Mom of a son and seven foster sons, I know boys and how special they are and how the politically correct and sexist backlash has effected young males. And how being physically active during the day and allowing boys to be boys and get dirty and sustain skinned knees and other badges of courage from playing sports, building forts, riding bikes can be better than all the expensive high tech gadgets.

Am so pleased the authors wrote extensively about how we label boys and have teachers who demand they be tested or drugged in order to control their boyness. My Mom was concerned about this back in the 70's when as a second grade teacher she saw 'experts' suggesting boys were hyperactive. She knew better since she had sons and six grandsons. and we lived in a neighborhood where I and one other girl were the two amongst dozens of great boys of all ages.

Buy a copy for your local library!!

If you have young boys and have been worried sick about their energy level, their lack of focus or their tantrums... and then in the middle of the night a nagging voice says, but he's just normal, isn't he? Haven't boys always been like this??? then you should read this book. Trust your instincts. Often, your boy will grow out of his problems. Often, parents and doctors are making mountains out of molehills. Often, our boys don't need medication or punishment or tutoring, they just need TIME.

This book really helps put boys' behavior into perspective. It is calming and sensible. It will change many lives for the better.

Katrin Schumann, co-author Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too: Its Good to be a Little Selfish--It Actually Makes You a Better Mother

This book completely surprised me because I agreed to accept a pre-publication review copy of this book from the Amazon Vine program and at the time didn't know much about the book other than the title and subtitle. I was thrilled at what the content actually was but worry that some readers who are looking for this information may not think the book is about that topic. My interest was to read a general parenting book about raising boys in this world that is so different than twenty years ago when I was a tween. I'm the mother of two boys aged 12 and 9 and thought maybe something here could be of use for me with my homeschooled boys (who do not have ADD or ADHD).

The book is written by a psychologist in private practice who works with families and especially, boys. In a nutshell the book is about the change in tide of our culture, namely, the re-labeling of what is normal boy behavior or a developmental glitch, a bit of a delay in maturation of young boys which has led parents, school teachers and pediatricians to label it an abnormality and seek prescription medication as a first line or only approach to stopping the behavior.

To be specific, this book is about the author's belief that too many children are being diagnosed with ADD or ADHD and that too many are on prescription medications. In his practice, Dr. Rao uses behavior modification techniques with his patients including plans with parental involvement and sometimes also the school teacher's help to solve problems without the use of medication. The book discusses the various issues some boys may have and the root cause and the treatment plan (a behavior modification plan).

Something of interest to me is that Dr. Rao often points out that the (well-intentioned) parent often is part of or a large cause of the problem in the first place. My impression was the worst offenders are those waffling parents who seldom set limits, say one thing but do another, make threats but never follow through, change their minds or give in to their child's pleas. Parents who set low expectations are also setting themselves up for disaster. These parents have actually trained their child to not listen to their authority. In the case studies I read over and over again of Dr. Rao raising the bar for the child's expectations, imposing limits and consequences for the child's negative behavior and then the behavior starts to change, often immediately, even right in that first consult!

I know the topic of whether to medicate for ADD/ADHD or not is a hot button issue for numerous people, especially those who hate any reference to not medicating being a good thing. One thing I learned by reading this book that I have never heard counter-argued by the medication-lovers is that the most common ADD/ADHD prescription drug works on any person to improve focus (even one without the diagnosis) but it does nothing to make the condition go away. Dr. Rao stated clearly in the book that if behavior modification techniques can make the behavior STOP or if the child can learn to process their emotions, boredom or whatever, in a more acceptable way and have the issues resolved why not do that? For example it seems ludicrous that if the boy's issue is that he struggles to handle his anger, teaching him techniques to calm down, to stay in control and to not cause problems with verbal or physical outbursts can only be a good thing. If the child learns that and then everything seems resolved, how great is that?

The case studies in the book focused on boys aged 3-7. There was a great chapter at the end where college aged former patients discussed their lives today and talked about their past treatment memories with Dr. Rao. I loved the parts when the more challenging behaviors of the boys wound up being their strengths that could, for example, help them find success in certain career fields. However there was not really anything specifically about upper elementary grade boys, middle schoolers or teenagers (perhaps that will be the topic of another book). As an example of what issues were covered: preschool attendance and also social issues with early elementary grades (i.e. being labeled a bully for their behaviors). I can imagine that other issues are more pressing for the older boys and the teenagers, so if you are looking for case study information on that specific age range you won't find it here.

Really the book is about redefining what normal behavior is and about being a bit more tolerant for boys who are late bloomers or whose development is a bit staggered and uneven. I don't mean to imply that tolerant means ignoring the situation but making adaptations, teaching techniques or other things if necessary. Discussed is the difference between the male and female brain and the differences between developmental stages. Dr. Rao says that the girl's mind is more geared toward the ideal classroom behavior of teachers so typical boy behavior is sometimes not accepted and other times labeled as being a problem such as a `disorder' needing medication. Another interesting twist to make you think is that female teachers often want female type social interaction from both boys and girls when that is a bad and wrong expectation; boys should be allowed to be boys (meaning, not always liking to make direct eye contact, not always wanting to discuss emotions at preschool ages, being happy with playing side by side with other kids). By letting boys be boys I don't mean allowing aggressive behavior or reckless chaotic behavior reign.

Dr. Rao made it clear that often boys will outgrow certain behaviors or stages if let alone to grow up. However interventions to seek out diagnoses, to get tested and look for fast treatment especially with a first-line drug therapy is not what Dr. Rao likes to see happen. Testing and medication options are discussed in detail in the book. It is our culture that is pushing for rapid identification and fast resolution to various negative situations, so the idea of letting a kid grow up for another six months or a year is usually not something people are willing to let happen without some professional encouragement such as from Dr. Rao.

I was impressed with the book's content and feel this is a very important subject. Since our culture still seems to think the key to opportunity in adult life starts with one's education, and since the current mindset to a successful academic experience is to push formal learning down to the preschool level (earlier is better! some think), I think we're going to need to hear this message more and more.

I was unclear if Dr. Rao hopes parents will use the information in this book to custom design their own treatment plans or if the book is intended to give his opinion and some ideas to shift the perspective of the parent and then seek a counselor's advice before putting a plan into place.

I found the book a fast, easy read. The tone was uplifting, not depressing or scary. Dr. Rao paints an optimistic outlook for the futures of even the most challenging young boys.

Every parent frequently agonizes about their son's disruptive and often infuriating behavior patterns. As you turn to "The Way of Boys" you will find Dr. Rao at your side reassuring you and explaining why your son is acting the way he is. He will tell you how to effectively deal with virtually all problem situations. Your stress level will diminish dramatically, your sense of guilt will disappear and you will feel much more able to cope with the next day's series of misadventures. This is the new Dr. Spock for parents of boys. Treat the book as an encyclopedia to be turned to whenever there is a crisis. It is the kind of book where one is tempted to underline most sentences for easy recall. It will be the best $25.00 you will have ever spent.

Herbert Potash, Professor Emeritus of Psychology

This is a very comforting and reassuring book for parents of boys. Most boy books talk about how to 'fix a bad' boy. The Way of Boys replaces the 'fix" and the 'bad' with what it means to be "just a boy". I have already sent copies of this book to two friends with boys. - Bill Roiter, author of Beyond Work: How Accomplished People Retire Successfully.

I have a 4 year old boy and bought this book for both of his PreK teachers as well as the 2 Directors of his school. This information is unknown to women as we did not grow up as boys and know little of their emotional world. All of his teachers are women so educating them and me on my busy active NORMAL boy has made a huge differnce for all of us who love boys!

So many books on child rearing make the parent feel incompetent. This book is an exception, and reading it brought a sigh of relief. There are no easy answers or quick fixes in this book. Instead, what you find are common sense explanations for why certain behaviors may be occurring, suggestions for parents (in what to do and how to think about the situation), and helpful real-life scenarios from the author's therapy work with parents and their male children. The topics are organized easily in the table of contents so you can find what concerns you most--socialization, bullying, sitting still, time-outs, competition, etc. Time-outs seem to be the de facto go-to "punishment", but Rao has insightful thoughts on why time-outs often don't work for boys and what may work better instead. Another obvious point is that adults often expect children to exhibit certain behaviors, such as sitting still, without ever teaching them this skill. Repeatedly admonishing a child for not doing something is pointless if the child hasn't developed the skills or ability to complete the desired task. This book tackles how to teach boys the skills they need to navigate socially, at school, and at home. While I found some sections helpful in thinking about how to parent my 2 year old son, the book is probably more useful to parents of older boys (3, 4, and into elementary school).

It is tough raising boys these days. The world, rightly or wrongly, no longer affords them the physical outlets that they once had. They are adjured to, "Use your words," and their development is more hurry-up and wait rather than a straight trajectory like girls. Most teachers are women. Most schools are designed around the learning styles of girls (focusing on extended discourse, talking and listening, rather than physical interaction with objects).

This book does a great deal to dispel ill-founded worries that people might have about their boys, whether they are their children or their students. Boys might show signs of regression, but, as this book points out, it is often because their brains are allocating a great deal of available resources to one great leap forward, as it were. So, a boy might stop being potty-trained after not having an accident for a year, but then he might make a great stride forward verbally, etc. Parents and teachers often react to these regressions or a boy's inability to listen for as long as a female classmate by medicating the boy. This can often have dire consequences for years or even decades to come.

In previous generations, schools were designed around boys and girls suffered. People have now worked so hard to correct this problem, that boys have started to suffer. Boys are less likely to graduate high school or college than girls. They are also frequently left behind academically. Frequently, this is because people fail to recognize the warning signs that boys are having trouble or in need of help. They also do not know how to provide boys with the help they need. This book does a tremendous job of showing how parents and teachers can recognize these warning signs and respond to them constructively. The book also explores how boys tend to do better with male teachers, as male teachers tend to naturally offer more learning opportunities crafted around physical interaction with the topic being studied. Male teachers also tend to have natural insights into the challenges facing boys and where the strengths of boys lie and how they can be capitalized upon.

What is particularly good about this book is that it offers female readers some great insights into how to raise or educate male children or students. Because most teachers are women, these insights could make a great difference for half of their students and make the job of the teachers much easier, as this book offers some great ideas about how to quell the proclivities that some boys have toward disrupting class.

This is a must read for any teacher or parent of a boy.