The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block [Paperback]

Chris Nutter (Author)

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Revolutionary.”
--The Long Beach Blade

(The Long Beach Blade )

“Christopher Lee Nutter's new book gives every indication that it's more than a conventional gay self-help tome.”
--Publisher’s Weekly

(Publisher's Weekly )

“You may not immediately want to, but you’ll surely recognize yourself in these pages.”
--Genre magazine

(Genre magazine )

“Nutter is on to something, and the timing of The Way Out has been ideal.”
--Time Out New York

(Time Out New York )

“A gay Dr. Phil with a heavy dose of Dalai Lama.”
--Gaywired.com

(Gaywired.com )

“Christopher Lee Nutter’s mix of ancient wisdom and contemporary idioms is bound to resonate with young gay male readers.”
--Echo magazine

(Echo magazine )

“In The Way Out, Nutter uses his life’s humorous anecdotes as a guide for gay men who are coming out, as well as those who are ‘aggressively gay’, come to the realization that the typical gay life doesn’t have to be one of pain and confusion.”
--Bay Windows

(Bay Windows )

“Nutter attempts to help gay men work through their baggage, overcome insecurities, deal with a busted heart, and essentially empower themselves to live the most honest, healthy, authentic life they can.”
--Frontiers magazine

(Frontiers magazine )

“The Way Out expresses the newness and adventure of a man who is finding his soul, and who has the courage to say publicly what he’s learning.”
--San Francisco Bay Times

(San Francisco Bay Times )

“When we speak of role models, many times we think of athletes, movie stars or historic figures. Christopher Lee Nutter is the real thing.”
--Ambiente Magazine

(Ambiente Magazine )

“Leading the way out, Nutter offers advice on escaping the ‘gay herd’ mentality.”
--Express Gay News

(Express Gay News )

“The Way Out should be required reading for gay readers of all ages, from questioning teens to experienced adults.”
--Miami New Times

(Miami New Times )

“The Way Out is a means to step outside of habitual thoughts that cast the self as an unwitting and powerless victim of circumstance.”
--Edge Miami

(Edge Miami )

“Writing this deeply confessional book required an astonishing amount of self realization for the author himself.”
--HX Magazine

(HX Magazine )

“The Way Out is going to be revolutionary.”
--AOL Coaches

(AOL Coaches )

“The Way Out is a book about eliminating the confusion of social identity and finding your true self.”
--OutOnTheNet.Com

(OutOnTheNet.Com )

“The Way Out is a guidebook written specifically to assist gay men in breaking out of the self-imposed prisons of ‘straight’ and ‘gay’ into an authentically powerful life of compassion and wisdom, but the insights it contains are essential to breaking out of all self imposed prisons.”
--Gary Zukav, author The Seat of the Soul and The Dancing Wu Li Masters

(Gary Zukav )

“Christopher Nutter shares his personal story with candor and honesty, providing insights and observations that are sure to help other gay men no matter where they happen to be on their own journey.”
--Neil G. Giuliano, President, Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation

(Neil G. Giuliano )

“Christopher Nutter’s own self-exploration identifies real challenges for gay men, and gives insights and tools to help us be our best selves.”
--Alan Van Capelle, Executive Director, Empire State Pride Agenda

(Alan Van Capelle )

“The Way Out may prove to be an enduring ‘post-gay’ survival gay for the twenty first century gay man.”
--Jack Drescher, MD, Chair, Gay and Lesbian Committee, American Psychiatric Association.

(Jack Drescher, MD )

“Christopher Lee Nutter is a new player in the great American debate about values.”
--The San Francisco Chronicle

(The San Francisco Chronicle )

“One of the Best LGBT Books of 2006.”
--IN Los Angeles Magazine

(IN Los Angeles Magazine )

“The Way Out chronicles what it means to be a gay man in America.”
--OutInAmerica.com

(OutInAmerica.com )

“Nutter brings us a how-to for the gay everyman, both a handy guide for newbies and a thoughtful refresher for those of us who think we’ve already been there, done that.”
--Out magazine

(Out magazine )

“The author of a compelling new book for gay men, The Way Out relates his own journey from the closet to the party scene to despair to enlightenment – and invites you to join him on his path to affirming the true self.”
--The Advocate

(The Advocate )

About the Author

Christopher Lee Nutter has been shedding new light on the gay experience for over a decade through ground breaking journalism in The Village Voice, Details, The Advocate, The New York Times, Vibe, The Gay and Lesbian Review Worldwide, and many others. He has also written for Cargo, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, HX, The New York Post, Lambda Book Review and appeared on VH-1 and the Metro Channel's Naked New York.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 256 pages
• Publisher: HCI (May 16, 2006)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0757303927
• ISBN-13: 978-0757303920
• Product Dimensions: 8.5 x 5.5 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (15 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #345,869 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

14 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Should be read by every gay man, June 19, 2006

By 

MT - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block (Paperback)

The Way Out is a superb guide for gay men who want to achieve true freedom and peace of mind in their sexuality and relationships, and ultimately, the liberation promised by the greatest spiritual teachers of past and present. I cannot say enough good things about this book. I sincerely believe that nearly every gay man would profit tremendously by reading it and taking its recommendations seriously.

Nutter doesn't attempt to impose a new paradigm onto what it means to be gay, but rather helps us realize the importance of breaking out of ALL limiting paradigms so that we can be truly free. And yes, this is possible! Like the author, I've tasted it myself. As Nutter points out, it's only our unexamined beliefs that cause us pain and apparent limitation. Anybody who doesn't understand this has not yet taken the time to look at and critically examine his or her beliefs. And if the idea of doing this makes you uncomfortable, which it might, it's probably because you're just holding onto a belief about what it might mean.

The Way Out is NOT just another "coming out" guidebook. While it treats coming out with great depth and clarity, it the only book I know of that takes the idea of "coming out" ALL the way -- right through complete self-acceptance into self-liberation. This is the only true liberation possible for anyone, straight or gay.

Nutter has obviously navigated a challenging life road, and he candidly shares his fascinating stories with humility, honesty, humor and the clarity born of the willingness to follow one's own truth. Doing so has brought him enormous wisdom for a man still in his 30's. At 41, I've been following my own path of freedom for many years, but Nutter's book has offered me insights that I crucially needed. I completely agree with the subtitle to the book which suggests that any gay, bi or questioning man can profit from reading it, no matter how in or out of the closet he is.

In fact, if this book becomes the hit it deserves to be, the dominant gay culture, which as Nutter suggests can be as oppressive as straight culture, might change overnight. Buy this book, read it, be inspired by it, dive into your depths, find what is true before and beyond all the garbage in your mind (garbage imposed by straight culture and gay culture, but particularly our own minds), and realize freedom. Then give this book to others so that they can find freedom as well.

In closing, the only limitation I will ascribe to The Way Out is that the author does not explicitly recommend additional readings on the subject of spiritual freedom (although I realize this may have been an editorial decision). Interested readers of this book may want to consult Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" (the biggest-selling spiritual book of the century so far, and one which Nutter quotes in the text), and also Byron Katie's "Loving What Is," which would be an extremely helpful companion to the type of liberating inquiry into one's pain-inducing beliefs that Nutter recommends. The teachings of these two authors will complement perfectly Nutter's inspiring teachings on freedom in the final part of his marvelous book.

27 of 38 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars Wild Thing! A Gay Stuart Smalley In Blunderland, February 4, 2008

By 

G. Charles Steiner - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block (Paperback)

The editors who put the author up to writing this manifesto of silly mystical trash ought to be run out of the publishing business. This ridiculous, nearly hysterical screed of a book in no way shows "the way out" to anyone about anything.

If the author actually meant to indicate some kind of door to freedom for gay men, it's certainly not a psychological door. It's a back door -- back to another kind of closet, the religious closet, one in which you can hide or, better, disguise (or deceive) your "fabulous self" (a phrase used frequently in the book) and drop your gay identity so as to become One with God and everything -- but still have sex, of course (though probably not as much as you're used to).

The author is offering the reader an "alternative religion" closet (as compared to the Roman Catholic priesthood closet, for example) to step into. Religion and "spirituality" can perform these (verbal) "tricks" so well. It's called "word-magic." Like standard religions, Nutter's particular brand of theology (New Age) has all the answers so you don't have to use your tired out, stressed out brain to do any more thinking! Just follow the golden stream -- er, dream!

There are eight (8) chapters to this book. Passing over (or even pissing over - no matter) the required Introduction, the second chapter is tentatively about coming out consciously, but what the author means by "conscious" won't be hammered onto the reader's brain until much later in the book. This chapter, like all the other chapters, however, reads like a fifth grade reader, as spoken by a teenager, not a mature adult. "If you look into what Jesus said, he really had it down about how the universe works." Curiously, Mr. Nutter doesn't discuss Jesus' hell and judgment that will come to man on Judgment Day either in this context - or anywhere else in the book. I suppose that would just be too much of a downer, eh?

In the third chapter, the author gives really bad and dangerous advice about how to come out. He tells you, like a Nike commercial, just do it. It's easy. Since you don't know what other people think, you're just identified with your own thoughts. You can only know what you think and feel, not what other people think and feel. Put aside your expectations, he advises. Not only is coming out not an easy process but it can be a very dangerous one, and it is patently false that we can't know what other people are thinking and feeling. Ever hear of gossip? How about facial expressions? Slamming doors and cursing at the same time? The author actually believes that because his intent is goodness and kindness, he can do no harm! (The man seems informed by no academic discipline whatsoever -- good literature, logic, history, or science.)

In the third chapter, he now understands his advice needs to be qualified: coming out can be dangerous after all! What?

In this chapter, what had been a trend in his thinking from the Introduction on, now becomes fully consistent and heavily established: the author thinks in absolutes and extremes -- what Stuart Smiley (an actual reference within this book -- no kidding!) used to call "stinkin' thinkin'."

Here are some sample absolutistic assertions in this book:

(1) "All you have to do is . . . ." All?

(2) "I am just like you." No, you're not!

(3) "....only your character could believe that you are inferior to someone who is younger..." Only my "character" (he means "subpersonality")? Have you ever caught a glimpse of a teenager talking to his parent? Remember the slogan "don't trust anyone over 30"? My "character" isn't the "only" one.

(4) "Judging others is a symptom of self-judgment." And your point is? You're judging me for my review, aren't you? A man who gives bad advice and can't think beyond middle-school level (given his brain being normal) can't be judged a fool? Something smells stinky here . . . . The author, at the end of his manic religious tract of a book states, "...denying a creator when presented with .... an infinitely complex ... universe . . . is ... insane...." No judgment there, I suppose, eh?

(5) "Any thought that it's too late in the game for you to change ... is the thought of your internal abuser . . .?" The thought that it's too late for me to get caught in this con game is not my internal abuser, I can assure you! Besides, the tv program "American Idol" won't accept people beyond a certain age, no matter how good they can sing, and they won't listen to you, Mr. Nutter!

(6) "...in the universe there are only two emotions: love and fear." In the universe? I thought human beings and living creatures like animals were the ones who possessed this level of consciousness. What science book is Nutter reading? And "only" two emotions? The author lists "conflict" as an emotion (emotion?) derived from fear. Yeah, right! That's some fine psychological discrimination there!

(7) "...you are immensely powerful and you don't need other people." This is a strange absolute, except the author earlier mentions that we all do have a need for intimacy and HERE contradicts himself. But let's just say he's right, and I don't need other people: How am I supposed to get my intimacy needs met then? Robot sex? Computer counseling? What kind of freedom is this author after after all? In Chapter 5 we learn "Without Robert," the author declares, "I would still be extremely angry and isolated when it came to men...." So we DO NEED PEOPLE . . . .?

(8) Here's a really good dogmatic absolute: "...every romantic fantasy starts off, and ends, with loneliness." Every one! Why I am surprised! How about that! I can only hope the author's romance with this alternative religion has the same cycle -- though I don't wish him any emotional pain, poor guy!

(9) Lastly, the author states, "The truth ALWAYS diffuses negativity because the truth is ALWAYS harmless." Harmless! Harmless? Always! Just like the author's advice to come out to parents who may be hostile to your identity? Always? Wow! That's how I like my truth: impotent and harmless! 2+ 2 is totally harmless, just as is E=MC2. The truth is mosquitoes with malaria are deadly. Hitler's Ayran truth was harmless as well, I suppose. Bah, harmless truth!

Running throughout all eight (8) chapters, there are two intertwining threads, like DNA. One thread is vertical or chronological authorial and confessional information and the second thread is horizontal or dogmatically theological or the author's own system of beliefs. In the last two chapters, the author turns on the hysterical heat like some new contending gay Prophet for all the ages -- intimidating 14-year olds everywhere! He lets you know his palm tree is conscious. He tells you that you are the creator. (But Margaret Cho already told us: "I'm the one I want.")

By the racing, manic, torrential-rush-of-words finale that the author (and his unconscious editor who "validated" the author's writings) made of this book, sadly, I couldn't think of a more irritating and dislikeable author (except perhaps for Mark Steyn, author of the hatred-stirring book "America, Alone!"). What the author truly accomplished was to establish himself, and probably quite unconsciously, or better, what he did was to portray himself (again, unconsciously) as "THAT GUY." You know, the one who "has everything," and has got "the look" and every material possession to go with it, including the hunky boyfriend. Him. Christopher Lee Nutter is "THAT GUY" -- only this time round he's playing an entirely different "game" since he's reaching middle-age. The author earlier confessed to the reader that he'd "been there." He had been THAT GUY, WAS that guy. Now he is "all changed" from "that guy," or so he claims or wants the reader to believe. He says, "Believe me!" Dear Reader, do not believe him! No, Mr. Nutter is still "THAT GUY" -- but in the "spiritual universe." You do understand, don't you? The author simply switched the turf on which he likes to be "powerful." He's still "that guy"!

In conclusion, this book has one or two worthwhile psychotherapeutic insights to it, but I don't feel the author deserves any real credit for them. He certainly didn't originate them. These worthwhile ideas and insights from Nutter's memoir qua mystical tract about "conscious gay relationships" can better be explored, won, and understood more maturely and more sanely, by Alan Downs, Ph.D., the author of "The Velvet Rage."

"The Velvet Rage" addresses gay or homosexual relationship issues with greater finesse and intellectual discrimination than any book on gay psychology in recent years, and he tells you why it is important to heal your traumatic wounds before you enter into a relationship. "The Velvet Rage" is also available on Amazon.

If you want a thoughtful challenge to the current status of gay culture, read "Androphilia" by Jack Malebranche.

If you want to expand your consciousness without losing yourself in the process, read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.

But do not give "The Way Out" a moment's consideration. You'll be wasting time and wasting your being.

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Helps with the INWARD journey of coming OUT, November 21, 2007

By 

Dennis (West Hollywood, US, Canada) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block (Paperback)

I really enjoyed Christopher Lee Nutter's book. For me when I came out, I thought the hard part was just that - telling family and friends and the world "I'm gay." For me the hardest part was coming out to myself. That was dealing with my own homophobia, fears and so forth. I came upon this book well after coming out to others. It helped me with my own ongoing inner journey of accepting and loving myself just as I am. Chris' honesty and openness about his own journey helped this reader embrace the book and its important messages.