Customer Reviews

The Way They Were: Dealing with Your Parents' Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage

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This is the first book in over 10 years that is by, for and about those of us whose parents divorced when we were adults. And it is worth the wait! Well-written and full of compassion, the book serves two purposes. It shares the author's story and that of many adult children of divorce who were interviewed, helping the reader to understand that he or she is not alone in their feelings. More importantly, this book helps to put those feelings in perspective, gives advice on how to deal with them, and helps you to get through the various stages of your parents' divorce and remarriage. I am nearly 10 years removed from my parents' divorce when I was 23, and have read nearly everything ever written on the subject, and I still gained insight from this book. I highly recommend it to any adult experiencing parental divorce, any parent trying to understand their child's feelings, and any spouse/friend/etc. trying to help someone through the situation.

Lara Little, owner/webmaster, Adult Children of Divorce website

WOW...I read this book with such enthralled interest and found myself nodding through so much of it because it fully validated all I have felt in the 12 1/2 years since I learned my parents' nearly 29-year marriage was ending.

Let me first say to anyone considering "staying together for the kids" that you seriously reconsider! Not only is there NO evidence that waiting until the kids are adults makes it less painful, but as many of the interviewees in the book attest, it makes the marriage seem to be a sham, and if the disenchantment with it is made known to the kids after they're grown, particularly if all appeared to be well, we end up questioning all we thought we had learned from it. I had always thought my parents were happy together. They never fought in front of us, and we always saw them make up. I was actually proud to have parents who appeared to be in love with each other after years and years--the way my husband and I are--only to find out from my mother when she left my dad for his best friend that she didn't think she had EVER really been in love with him! I had only been married for 4 years by then myself, and it crushed me. I began to question my own identity because of all the lies that suddenly came to light.

The other thing I wrestled with was the timing. I had just learned I was pregnant with my second child and had just had a crisis with a lifelong chronic health condition. Mom, who had always been so protective of me, chose THAT TIME to leave my father! She also lied many times to me about what she had planned to do, and perhaps predictably, I became extremely sick and battled one thing after another through my entire pregnancy. Brooke Foster validated for me what I have always wondered: whether all the stress from the split, as well as all the pleas and fights over whose "side" I should be on contributed to the demise of my health during that time. I'm sure now that it did, and since my son was subsequently diagnosed with autism, I am sad to say that I can't dismiss the role of the divorce as contributing to it.

I'm relieved to say I have a great relationship with both of my parents now, and even my mom's husband (sorry; can't say "stepfather"! I was 28 when they married!), and I have moved on from all of the anger and hurt I felt about it, but it does change who you are and how you think about your own relationships. When I find that my husband and I squabble about the same things over and over again, I worry that the cycle is beginning again, so even if you get to the point of being "over it," it can have a lasting--perhaps even lifelong--influence over you in some way. If you need to leave a lousy marriage, do, by all means, but please don't stay on account of your kids, because I can assure you that they will have other problems as a result.

If you are looking for a book that reassures you that you aren't (or haven't been) overreacting to your parents' divorce, this is the book to read, from someone who has "been there and done that." Please pick it up. It is definitely worth the read.

I was 25 years old when my parents divorced after 29 years of marriage. Dealing with their divorce was (and is) difficult in part because I didn't know anyone else who had been an adult when their parents divorced. I also could not find any resources for adult children going through the break-up of their parents' marriage. This book is the only one of its kind that I have found.

Foster is not a counselor or psychologist; she's just someone who went through the same thing I'm going through. (She is a writer, and an excellent one at that, making this book very easy to read.) In her book she shares her own story and the stories of other adults who went through similar situations.

Reading this book has been one of the most helpful things I've done in the last year since my parents divorced. This book was just what I needed -- not an over-the-top psychological evaluation, not even a how-to manual. It's just an honest, no-frills book about what we experience when our parents divorce in our adult years. It helped me to realize that others are experiencing the same challenges and emotions that I am. Hearing their stories helped me cope with my own situation.

I highly recommend this book.

This is the first resource published since 1991 that is addressed to adults whose parents are divorcing after 20, 30, or even 40 years of marriage. Only one other book in the past five years even touches upon this phenomenon, and "Generation EX: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of our Pain" is split between those in our situation and those who grew up in a broken home.

This book is amazing. Brooke Lea Foster interweaves her own story with recent studies and statistics and others' stories, giving the adult faced with a parental divorce a well-rounded report and helpful information.

Thank you, Brooke, for giving us a voice.

I'm not a literary type, but when my parents announced that after 39 years of marriage they were divorcing, I had feelings I was unsure of how to deal with. I was actually at the hair salon, reading one of their magazines when I found the review of this book. It was exactly what I needed to read. I'm almost to the end of the book, but things that I said to my friends and family BEFORE I read the book, were right there in black and white. I was happy to see that I wasn't alone in my feeling about the divorce. It helped me tremendously to read and endorsed my feeling. As soon as I'm finished, I'm going to give it to my Brother, then to my Husband, then maybe mom and dad should get a copy for Christmas or something. Thanks Brooke!

10-years ago my wife ended a 32-year marriage. She said she had not loved me for years but would not divorce me until the children were on their own and married. She said that she didn't believe that I would take care of my children financially. Oh how wrong she was. My son has not spoken to me in years. He will not acknowledge telephone calls, letters, gifts, birthdays and holidays. Brooke Leas Foster has written a wonderful book about adult children of divorce. I have always believed that it was harder on ACOD than it was on younger children for all the various reasons cited in Brooke's book. As a result of having read The Way They Were from my children's prespective I have ordered the book for my daughter. I hope that she will also share it with my son. The "guilt" that I felt as a Dad has been lifted as a result of this book. I highly recommend to any parent of adult children contemplating divorce. A must read for all. Thank you Brooke. Well done.

This is the only book currently in print that actually addresses the feelings, thoughts and worries of adults children of divorce - not adults whose parents divorced when they were children, but adults whose parents divorced when they were adults. It's a completely different issue for those of us with parents who split after we've reached adulthood, and many people don't seem to understand how much we are affected. This is a book I recommend for adult children of divorce, their parents, spouses and significant others, friends, and anybody else who ever told an adult whose parents just split up to "just get over it already, it doesn't affect you." Read this and you will not only understand that it certainly does affect us, but also how and why.

I'm 28 years old. My parents divorced about 16 months ago after 32 years of marriage. I had a really difficult time with it, I felt like my world had been blown apart. This is the only book I could find for adults but it has been a blessing! It has touched on everything I've gone through, and just realizing that I'm not alone in what I feel and how I react has helped me get through when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I would recommend this book to anyone from young adults to old who are dealing with their parents divorce.

My parents recently separated & are getting a divorce after 34 years of marriage. My father had an affair with a much younger woman for over a year. I never thought I would have to deal with such a huge change in our family, but I did. And reading this book helped me through it. Honestly, once I was done reading it I saw things differently and it truly helped me get a grip on the way things will NOW be. I highly highly recommend this book to anyone feeling lost and not sure where to turn. I took comfort in knowing this has happened to others and how they chose to deal with it.

I bought this book shortly after my parents announced their divorce and I am so glad I did. The book does really wonderful job of validating difficult feelings, and I loved it because multiple scenarios were used, which were really helpful, I don't feel so alone anymore. The book discussed things that I never even expected, for example, it talked about how sometimes parents want become our friends, and how to deal with things like that. It has helped me to overcome the depression I was feeling, and how to deal with the divorce more effectively. Although I know things will never be the same for my family again, I am happy for my parents, I wish them well and I pray that my family will be able to move forward in life.