If you know a child or teen who has experienced a death, this guidebook presents you with simple and practical suggestions for how to support him or her. Learn what behaviors and reactions to expect from children at different ages, ways to create safe outlets for children to express their thoughts and feelings and how to be supportive during special events such as the memorial service, anniversaries and holidays.
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About the Author
Since 1983, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families has provided loving support in a safe place where children, teens and their families grieving a death can share their experiences as they move through their healing process. Based in Portland, Oregon, The Dougy Center works regionally, nationally and internationally to provide support and training to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children in grief.
The Dougy Center is supported solely through private support from individuals, foundations and companies, and receives no state or federal funding. The Dougy Center does not charge a fee for its services.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Listen.
After a death, many children want to share their story. They may want to tell you what happened, where they were when they were told about the death, and what it was like for them. Telling their story is a healing experience. One of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories.
As adults, we're often too quick to offer advice, give opinions and make judgments. We think we know what's best for our children, and we want to make sure they get the right information. But while we're busy talking, sometimes we miss important messages from children about what they need and how we can best help them.
Suggestions for being a good listener:
Don't give advice or make judgments.
Reflect back what the child said using the child's words.
Paraphrase the child's words.
Ask clarifying questions.
Here's an example of a child's statement and adult responses using the above suggestions:
Child- "My daddy died in a plane crash. At first, I was sad. But then I was so angry when I found out they let him fly when it was a storm. I yelled at the guy from the airline. I hate him."
Don't:
Give advice or make judgments:
Adult- "Hate is a very strong word. You probably don't hate him. You're mad now, but you'll get over it. It's a horrible thing that happened.
Do: Reflect back what the child said using the child's words:
Adult- "So your dad died in a plane crash. You felt sad at first, but then you were angry because they let him fly when the weather was stormy. So you yelled at the guy at the airline, and you feel that you hate him."
Paraphrase the child's words:
Adult- "It sounds like you felt many different feelings after your dad died. Sad feelings. Mad feelings and feelings of hate."
Ask clarifying questions:
"So what was it like when you felt all those different feelings?"
"So what kinds of things do you do when you feel sad? Or angry?"
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Customer Reviews
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
23 of 29 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Congratulations to the Dougy Center Staff for creating this book. It is a much needed resource.
I also purchased After the Tears, A Gentle Guide to Help Children Understand Death (video)
The two are awesome resources for children.
Keep up the good work.
I also purchased After the Tears, A Gentle Guide to Help Children Understand Death (video)
The two are awesome resources for children.
Keep up the good work.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
As a program director at a local center for grieving children, I utilize this book in many ways. I have it available in our parent/caregiver group room and I have recommended it to local school counselors and teachers. I recommend it to family and friends of grieving children who call our center and wonder how, in addition to possibly utilizing our center's services, they can help the child who has just experienced the death of someone close to them. Each page is full of practical and helpful ways that a grieving child can be supported. This book is easy to read and understand, just what individuals need in the chaotic wake left after someone dies.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
This book is written for adults who have a child who is grieving. As a grieving parent with an eight year old daughter I found this book well organized and easy to understand. After the death of my brother from a year long battle with cancer the last thing I needed was a heavy detailed trip into academia. Dealing with my own grief as a single parent and caring for my daughter was exhuasting. This is not a book that is intended specifically to help therapists, it is for grieving people helping their grieving kids. The Dougy Center, with their vast experience and wisdom, has written this to help adults and children. It helped me to help my daughter and myself. I am forever grateful.
Most Recent Customer Reviews
Very helpful through a difficult time
Bought as a gift for a friend when her father-in-law passed away and she said the book really helped her help her daughter
Published 21 months ago by Magie
Disappointing
I expected a lot more from the Dougy Center, which purports to be the leading organization for grieving children in this country. Read more
Published on January 7, 2007 by Maggie S
Light touch on a deep subject
While the individual tips are certainly valid and helpful, an overall organizing principle to group tips might increase the effectiveness of the book. Read more
Published on March 9, 2006 by C. Reggio
World Trade Center attack: Bereaved children will benefit.
The deaths at the World Trade Center and Pentagon triggered a strong reaction in me, especially when I read how many children had lost a parent, because I lost both parents when I... Read more
Published on October 4, 2001 by John Craig
Inside This Book
(learn more)
First Sentence:
Sometimes children don't want to talk, or can't find the words. Read the first page Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
grieving children Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
The Dougy Center New!
Books on Related Topics | Concordance | Text Stats Browse Sample Pages:
Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
Sometimes children don't want to talk, or can't find the words. Read the first page Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
grieving children Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
The Dougy Center New!
Books on Related Topics | Concordance | Text Stats Browse Sample Pages:
Front Cover | Table of Contents | First Pages | Back Cover | Surprise Me!
Citations (learn more)
This book cites 39
books:
See all 39 books this book cites
8
books
cite this book:
See all 8 books citing this book
- MY TWIN: The Story of My Life and My Deep Love for My Wife by Gilbert Ruley Smith in Back Matter
- Anne and the Sand Dobbies: A Story about Death for Children and Their Parents by John B Coburn in Back Matter
- The Chronicles of Narnia Boxed Set by C. S. Lewis in Back Matter
- The Garden Is Doing Fine by Carol J. Farley in Back Matter
- Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus in Back Matter
See all 39 books this book cites
- Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World by Elizabeth Harper Neeld in Back Matter (1), and Back Matter (2)
- Helping Teens Cope with Death by The Dougy Center for Grieving Children on page 49
- Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers by The Dougy Center in Back Cover
- Breaking the Silence: A Guide to Helping Children with Complicated Grief - Suicide, Homicide, AIDS, Violence and Abuse (Travel Guides) by Linda Goldman on page 235
- Getting Through to Your Kids by Michael Popkin in Back Matter
See all 8 books citing this book
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