The Ways We Love: A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples [Hardcover]

Sheila A. Sharpe (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 1572305304 | ISBN-13: 978-1572305304 | Publication Date: July 25, 2000 | Edition: 1

Presenting an innovative approach to working with embattled couples, this highly readable book identifies seven universal patterns of intimate relating that express everyone's basic needs for both connection and separateness. Including nurturing and merging, controlling and competing, these patterns are what make relationships work - yet, ultimately, they can also tear couples apart. Extended, vivid clinical illustrations bring to life the problems that partners may encounter in the normal development of each pattern, the types of conflicts that result, and how short or longer-term treatment can help restore the balance between relationship and personal growth.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing stance, and to find a perspective that makes day-to-day stressors more readily understood. Clear and engaging, this book will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I have used the book extensively as a text in graduate courses, and my students describe it as practical and inspiring. As a resource to recommend to clients, including new parents and other couples at critical junctures in their lives, The Ways We Love is reassuring and thought-provoking."--Judith Siegel, PhD, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

"This engaging, nourishing text offers a well-balanced meal for clinicians and couples. Sharpe calls on her years of clinical experience to identify seven themes in couple relationships--nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, competing for superiority, and competing in love triangles. Illuminated are the developmental histories of these themes, their adaptive and pathological dimensions, and their consequences both for the relationship and for the partners as individuals. Countering a trend toward oversimplification in this field, Sharpe appreciates complexity. She is remarkably open about her own emotional reactions and evocatively descriptive of her patients' experience. The treatment model elaborated here should be of practical use to both therapists and clients." --Robert Winer, MD., The Washington School of Psychiatry

"The variety and range of relationship difficulties traverse many kinds of distress, defying attempts to organize them into categories. This groundbreaking book graphically illustrates, from a developmental perspective, the manifold ways partners express their relational pain. Sharpe advances the field of couple therapy by delineating seven universal, clinically meaningful patterns of intimate relating. Based on many years of experience treating couples, the book demonstrates rare clinical sophistication. One aspect is a particular gift--Sharpe's honesty and openness in revealing the personal thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that come up for her as a therapist dealing with very difficult situations. The book is easy to read and the case histories are fascinating." --James L. Framo, PhD, Distinguished Professor, Emeritus, United States International University

"Psychoanalysis has concerned itself largely with the development of individuals--and only through the period of adolescence. Sheila Sharpe stretches the psychoanalytic canvas to make space for a developmental model of intimate partnerships. A superbly attentive clinician, she graphs her new schema for us with precision and wit." --Deborah Anna Luepnitz, PhD, author of The Family Interpreted: Psychoanalysis, Feminism and Family Therapy

"This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing view, while allowing for a full integration of object relations and systems concepts. Her approach to couples work invites us to view the couple's struggles with dignity and compassion. She portrays couples and her work with them in an honest, revealing manner, and, unlike many therapists, recognizes and responds to the impact of day-to-day stressors. The book is clear, engaging, and will undoubtedly be useful for both seasoned and less experienced therapists. I also plan to use it as a text in the graduate-level couples courses I teach." --Judith Siegel, PhD, Associate Professor, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

From the Back Cover

"This book demonstrates that Sharpe is among the most creative and astute couple therapists of our era. Her developmental perspective allows therapists to move beyond a pathologizing view, while allowing for a full integration of object relations and systems concepts. Her approach to couples work invites us to view the couple's struggles with dignity and compassion. She portrays couples and her work with them in an honest, revealing manner, and, unlike many therapists, recognizes and responds to the impact of day-to-day stressors." Judith Siegel, PhD, Associate Professor, Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, New York University

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 356 pages
• Publisher: Guilford Press; 1 edition (July 25, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1572305304
• ISBN-13: 978-1572305304
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 1.2 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.6 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 5.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,608,370 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Complexity in Plain English - and with Humor!, January 6, 2001

By 

Susan C. Richards (Solana Beach, CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Ways We Love: A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples (Hardcover)

At last! A book that speaks in down-to-earth plain English about complex concepts and offers a profoundly new way of understanding relationships of all kinds. As a psychotherapist, I found it especially helpful in its discussion of transference and countertransference issues in couples work, something rarely addressed in the literature. As a person in a relationship, I appreciated its humor, compassion, and philosophical outlook on the foibles of the human condition. I highly recommend Dr. Sharpe's book to professionals as well as the sophisticated lay public. How wonderful to recognize ourselves and chuckle while we learn...

3 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A brilliant book!, February 22, 2002

By 

Allan Rosenblatt, M.D. (La Jolla, CA United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The Ways We Love: A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples (Hardcover)

This is a landmark work in its field. Dr. Sharpe , drawing upon the best in current psychoanalytic theory, has developed a remarkably integrated and sophisticated theoretical framework in which to explore the development and pitfalls of love relationships. She demonstrates its application to couple therapy with vivid and compelling clinical examples, alternately moving and witty. What is especially notable is her deft and sensitive therapeutic use of her own emotional responses in the therapy session.
The book is must reading, not only for all therapists who engage in couple therapy, but also for any mental health professional dealing with relationships. Her clear and engaging writing style makes the book also quite suitable for any non-professional who is interested in understanding the vicissitudes of loving.

5.0 out of 5 stars A developmental look at relationships, January 1, 2012

By 

DG (Baltimore, MD USA) - See all my reviews

Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: The Ways We Love: A Developmental Approach to Treating Couples (The Guilford Family Therapy Series) (Paperback)

This book explores different aspects of loving -- specifically, nurturing, merging, idealizing, devaluing, controlling, and competing. Each of these have typical developmental arcs, both within our childhood relationships and our adult relationships. In down-to-earth language, Sharpe looks at how early derailments may come to create similar derailments in our adult relationships, and how this can be worked through in couples therapy. The book offers many session narratives, which provide helpful illustrations of therapeutic interventions. With a developmental focus, this book is a nice supplement to others in this area (e.g., Gottman). An absolute must for any couples therapist (but also very helpful for individual counselors)!