We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Men and Women [Paperback]

Samuel Shem (Author), Janet Surrey (Author), Stephen Bergman (Author)

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0465091148 | ISBN-13: 978-0465091140 | Publication Date: April 23, 1999

“We have to talk.” For many men, these are the four worst words in the English language, especially when they’re uttered by a female partner. But it doesn’t have to be that way, argue Samuel Shem and Janet Surrey in their pathbreaking and practical new book. “Male relational dread”—that all-too-familiar reaction set off by women’s “relational yearnings”—can be tamed, and in its place can emerge true satisfaction for men and women.To demonstrate how this is done, Shem and Surrey take us behind the scenes of their popular workshops. We hear couples speak intimately about anger, guilt, resentment, shame, and sex. We watch them wrestle collectively with the gender divide in their relationships—the deep disconnects, or “impasses,” that reflect the vastly different developmental paths men and women have traveled. We see couples learn to bridge the poles of dread and yearning, to emerge from isolation into mutuality. We witness their moments of sadness, humor, and, ultimately, discovery.Filled with moving stories of real people struggling with real problems, We Have to Talk shatters the “rules” and offers dramatic proof that men and women are not from different planets after all. It is certain to be seen as the relationship book for the new millennium.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Most popular books about relationships stress gender differences: We're from different planets, we don't understand each other, our words have different meanings, and so forth. This book asserts that we can understand our differences and get past them, replacing isolation with connection in a healthy, growth-fostering relationship. The authors call this "getting to 'we.'"

Shem and Surrey have worked with more than 20,000 men, women, boys, and girls. We hear workshop participants using "gender dialogue": asking questions to aid in understanding and reconnecting, such as "Name three strengths the other gender group brings to relationships," "What do you most want to understand about the other gender group?", and "What do you most want the other gender group to understand about you?"

"Disconnections between men and women are inevitable--no one ever gets it right the first time, or all the time," say the authors. "It's not only what you do that matters, it's what you do next." This book gives insights into our differences--such as men's "relational dread" and women's "relational yearning," and how to move past conflict to collaboration. The chapter "How Couples Grow" is invaluable, describing a detailed process to work through impasses and rediscover the "we" in your relationship. --Joan Price --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Library Journal

Shem and Surrey, a psychiatrist and clinical psychologist, work together to open up dialogs between the sexes. For more than 12 years they have used the same three questions to probe differences at all ages?from preschool kids to seventysomething couples: 1) Name three strengths that the opposite gender brings to a relationship; 2) What do you most want to understand about the opposite gender? and 3) What do you most want the opposite gender to understand about your gender? The results are perhaps not surprising. Women want men to talk more. Men only fake being macho. Men want sex. And so on. The authors emphasize that while these differences can be vast, men and women can and should learn from each other. Although that is not necessarily a bad lesson, this book doesn't make it an easy one to take, with its stilted dialog and psychological cliches. Still, because this book addresses the same sort of issues as John "Men Are from Mars" Gray (though with a different focus), public libraries may want to purchase.?Pamela A. Matthews, Gettysburg Coll. Lib., PA
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 16 and up
  
• Paperback: 238 pages
• Publisher: Basic Books (April 23, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0465091148
• ISBN-13: 978-0465091140
• Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 5.9 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (5 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,164,972 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Another Pearl, March 10, 2002

By 

"ctmp" (Millville, NJ USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Men and Women (Paperback)

"We Have to Talk" is a good read, almost too good, and I was left wondering how much was fiction and how much was non-fiction. Is Samuel Shem deliberately teasing us in using identical passages in his work of fiction "Mount Misery" and his later release ( with Janet Surrey) "We Have to Talk"?

"We Have to Talk" (pg. 83)

Kate: Where shall we go to dinner?
Mitch: Let's go to Miguel's.
Kate: How `bout Pintemento
Mitch: Okay, let's go to Pintemento.
Kate: (after a pause) But it sounded like you wanted to go to Miguel's.
Mitch: No, no, it's okay-let's go where you want to go.
Kate: But I want to go where you want to go too.
Mitch: (silence)
Kate: Why don't you want to go to Pintemento?
Mitch: I just want to decide.
Kate: But we are deciding.
Mitch: We're not getting anywhere. (tensely) Let's just make a decision.
Kate: (screaming) Why are you yelling at me? (starts to cry)
Mitch: (screaming) I'm not yelling!

"Mount Misery" (pg. 175-176)

. . . "Let's go out to dinner."
"Fine. Where shall we go?"
"Let's go to Miguel's."
"How about Pentimento?"
"Okay," I said, not really caring, "let's go to Pentimento."
She paused, studying me. "But it sounded like you wanted to go to Miguel's."
"No, no, it's okay-let's go where you want to go."
"But I want to go where you want to go too." She considered this, and asked, "Why don't you want to go to Pentimento?"
Feeling more tense, I said, "I just want to decide."
The phone began ringing.
"Why are you yelling at me?"
"I'm not yelling."

Also compare pages 201-202 of "Mount Misery" with page 44 of "We Have to Talk".

The point to be made is not that Shem, the master of extreme hyperbole, is a sham, but that, while his fiction is eerily like real life, his non-fiction smacks of anecdote and fantasy. Even if Tom and Ann are real, a couple detailed in "We Have To Talk" who but the most affluent with limitless recourses, could afford the luxuries they take for granted, in and out of therapy. What about a boot-strapping theory for the rest of us?

Also, why the pervasive Freud bashing in both books? I am certainly not a Freud fan, but why is "holding the We" any less contrived then "the shadow of the object falls across the ego"? Doesn't Shem do exactly as Freud, concocting fanciful theories to fit his anecdotal experiences from a small cross section of the American population in order to serve his own notoriety?

I still recommend "We Have to Talk" but ask the reader to sift through the self help dross for the occasional enlightening pearls.

6 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars It Worked For Me..., January 17, 2000

By 

Mark MacIntyre (Seattle, WA USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Men and Women (Paperback)

A very thought-provoking and enlightening work on gender differences and how they conspire to prevent/hobble quality relationship between men & women. I found myself continually clapping my forehead and saying "Duh!" and I've always fancied myself an evolved, hip and sensitive new-age guy!

With that said, I'm eager to "reality check" this book with some of my women friends to get their perspective. My instinct tells me "We Have to Talk" can be an incredibly valuable tool in understanding the deep, social underpinnings of both interpersonal communication and relational behavior. In fact, this may have been the single best interpersonal or "relationship" book I've ever read...and I've read a few. I now feel much better-equipped now to build stronger, healthier and more mutually-rewarding relationships in the future.

I also got the sense the authors really know their stuff and commend them for presenting the issue and information in a clear,very readable style.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wish I had read it 10 years ago!, April 16, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: We Have to Talk : Healing Dialogues Between Men and Women (Paperback)

This is a great book - the kind of book that you wish you had read 10 years ago. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief in my relationships. I'm a 35 year old male - and I could recognize both the male responses in the book - and the reaction of the women. I recommend it to all my male friends - this is the book all men should read if they want to make their relationships with women work - and if they really want to learn what it means to truly connect, not just with women, but with each other as well. A truly insighful - and inspirational - book.