Customer Reviews

Wedded Strangers: The Challenges of Russian-American Marriages (Expanded)

5 star:		(10)
4 star:		(15)
3 star:		(5)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is a book I should have read four months ago, before my now ex-wife arrived in the U.S. on her fiancee visa. My best friend for the last few years has been a Russian woman I work with, but even that close friendship did not prepare me for the many surprises that followed my fiancee's arrival here. This book would have prepared me for 80% of the disconcerting differences I became aware of, and the understanding that the differences were cultural might possibly have made all the difference in the outcome of our relationship. Though the book is interesting and was enjoyable, it is not a book to read for fun - that is not its intention. It is a book written to educate people on what lies in store for you if you enter a Russian-American marriage, and I can attest to its accuracy and relevence. If you are an American and you think you love a Russian, or vice versa, I cannot recommend this book to you highly enough. If your partner does not read English well, I hope the book is available in Russian!

I bought this book because my boyfriend is Ukrainian and I was seeking to understand which of his habits were culturally driven and which were merely personality-based. I had some idea, but sought confirmation, and Visson's book gave that, in a well-written, engrossing package. Wedded Strangers serves as a sober reminder that cross-cultural relationships have an extra level of difficulty, and that they shouldn't be entered into without preparation and understanding.

I have a few wishes/suggestions for any future editions of this book.
--that experiences of more couples should be included.
--that younger, post-Communist couples be explored in a different chapter
--perhaps a postscript on love in the other former socialist republics
--I would also like to hear about a few more of the successful unions.

Perhaps the reason Visson didn't do any of that in the 2000 edition is that there simply wasn't room. But when you are seeking understanding of the one you love, you can't get enough...and I was left craving more information at the end of the book.

That said, the current edition of the book remains extremely valuable--especially for those Americans who have had little or no exposure to Russian culture and are starting from scratch. Those men who go shopping for brides in the former Soviet Union should not be allowed to leave without reading this book first.

I have been living with my Russian boyfriend for 6 years in the U.S. and as our relationship began to become troubled, I began to search for an answer (from relationship problems, self help, communication problems etc.) and I found it in this book. And I honestly should have had it recently before I had the culturally shocking experience of visiting Russia first hand in late August of 2000.

This book does have a couple of chapters on the Old Soviet Union dating back to the 1900's and the political problems that arose from a Russian-American Union and the past difficulties of getting your loved one out of Russia but if you are patient and really want an in depth understanding of your partner this shouldn't be a problem. The book is deeply ingrained into Russia's Past (but from what I have seen the pride of Russian History is ingrained in Russians, whether or not they loved or hated their country). The book also states that many russians wore drab colored clothing. From what I have seen, yes Men still do and seem to prefer the more dark, neutral colors but that seems to be because Russia (apart from Big Cities like Moscow) is rather dirty. But the young women dress in all colors and in some shocking combinations. So yes, that part is somewhat out of date and there may be other things as well but I think that the main interest of this book is of the cultural differences between American women and Russian men, as well as Russian women and American men. Because in everyday life things can get misconstrued as an incompatibility issue or a communication problem but in fact is something that may be derived from a cultural difference. For example, the tone of voice a russian will speak to you in, may seem as if its demeaning or belittling you, or the beginnings of an arguement. The fact that some russians shower once a week and don't change their clothes everyday, wearing them day after day. The fact that sex seems to be a non topic. The close Russian ties with family. Their need for Russian friends. The fact that my russian is late to work everyday and so forth and so forth. Its those little things that happen in your lives day in and day out, that can pose a problem if you're not certain why its happening. It can even feel like an impasse.

Despite some of the outdated material, Lynn Visson has many insights into the russian and american cultures that will make you understand or say that's my Sergei. Which I am so grateful to her for. It helped me to understand things I would have never conceived to be our cultural differences. Now, we can work past them and go on to a Happy Marriage, which before this book probably would not have happened.

But I must say one thing, the book did give me somewhat of an impression that with all these differences how in the world could a russian-american union work. I had this overwhelming sense of doom but you have to apply the book to your own personal situation and the areas that are causing you both misunderstandings or even just to prevent them. Not every part of this book will match everyone but some of it will. I believe anyone in a russian-american relationship, looking for a russian or american mate, dating or otherwise would find this book a must read. It is the only book out there on the subject(and believe me I've looked). And this book has been really a wonderful blessing for me, I hope for you too. I hope this review helps. And Good Luck.

For those of you interested this book is available in Russian, for a russian version go to http://lexiconbridge.com/ibpbooks.htm

When I ordered this book, my US born husband said it's probably going to be useless for us as it sounds like it is targeted to the Americans who marry the "mail order brides".I was pleasantly surprised though to find out that the book was very informative and helped me sort some issues out (mainly reassuring me that having these sort of issues is not 'just us'). The author has been married to a Russian, so she has an 'insider' prospective of the matter. I thought the descriptions of the cultural differences were pretty accurate, with lots of real life examples (I can relate to many of them). And now that my husband and I have our first son (1.5 year old) I can't agree more that you face the biggest challenges when you start raising a child.

On a few occasions I thought the author was taking sides (usually the American side). Perhaps so was I. The truth is in the middle if there is one in these matters. Most of the case studies were done long time ago, so a lot of things do not stand true nowadays, as Russia and its people have changed a lot and is constantly changing while integrating into the rest of the world, but at the same time (hopefully) remaining what it has always been - a mystery for the outside world!

On another note - the book may be helpful to intercultural marriages not only involving Russians, but also any nationality from the former Soviet Union.

I highly reccomend this book, not just for those who are interested in the challenges that come with Russian-American marriage, but also for those people who have grown up with the US mindset and wish to learn more about the Russian mindset.

Not every story in this book is a happy one. But that matches up with real life. I know two Russian-American couples -- one failed, and the other succeeded.

Reading this book will help you not only understand the Russian mindset, but will also help prepare you for potiental problems down the road, if you choose to enter into this sort of relationship.

How people adapt to their new lives in their new country varies from person to person, and this book shows how different people can react differently to the same thing. And yet it ties radically different actions to a similar mind-set.

The book isn't perfect, and has a few minor flaws. (For instance, they claim the concept/word "Секретность" (privacy) doesn't exist in the Russian language.) But despite the few errors, it is well worth the read. As a plus, it's a very easy read. Once I started on the book, I found that I was unable to stop...

This book is definately outdated but has some valueable advice for anyone considering relationship with a russian man or a women. I quite enjoyed it and it definately brought back some memories.
I couldn't help but feel sympathetic towards one of the reviewers who is obviously been burned by a bad marriege with a russian woman. Not every russian woman is ready to murder and sacrifice everyone for the "greater good". I think that particular viewer doesn't understand the russian mindset at all. Most russian women are much harder and much more ruthless than any american women. Lot of it has to do growing up in a enviroment that didn't allow you to be a sissy. I think for some american men this can be quite a shock. If submissive is what you are looking for DON'T MARRY RUSSIAN WOMAN! We tend to be agressive and sharp tongued(among other things). However, if you are looking for someone smart, well educated, good looking and loyal, russian woman may be for you. Good luck!

I bought the book and was let down about how dated the stories were during the days of the Iron Curtain. The book dedicates only one real chapter to the issues that have faced couples meeting since the fall of the Soviet Union and impact of the internet.

Secondly the book almost exclusively deals with the marriages of childless couples. To ignore the impact of children from the Former Soviet Union, coming with their Mom in a package deal, is to underestimate the challenges of the marriage and the stress it will place on the relationship.

Lastly while the book is collection of stories, it offers little advice and mostly annidotes. The "Culture Shock" books on Amazon and internet articles were far more helpful to prepare me for the challenges of this type of marriage.

I believe this is the first study of its kind. The first half of the book covers Russian-American relationships from the early part of the 20th century into the latter stages of the communist era. The second half deals with relationships in the post-Cold War age. Historians and sociologists aside, I don't feel that the first half of the book would be of much interest to most readers. The second half of the book covers a lot of anecdotal information gleaned from interviews with both Russians and Americans. It provides some interesting insights on life in Russia in the early 1990s, and gives an interesting perspective of the United States as seen through Russian eyes. Of course there are as well some great stories which convey both minor and shocking cultural differences and their effect on these relationships. Having worked in Russia for a few weeks in the last two years, I believe that some of the descriptions given in the book of Russian attitudes and lifestyles have changed quite a bit due to increasing western influence there in the last decade. Nevertheless, I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to any American in a relationship with a Russian. It is a great help indiscerning which of one's partner's unfamiliar/unpleasant behaviors are culturally driven and which are due to his/her own personality. Having said this, I also beg to suggest to not look to a mere book to save your marriage (I was married to the Russian equivalent of Peg Bundy for 2 long years). Knowing why someone behaves a certain way may not necessarily makes things any better in the long run.

I am a Russian very happily married to an American and we both read the book before we even thought about marriage. It helped us a lot in our relationship! You got to know what to expect from an inter-cultural romance before you start. I was surprised - how could the author understand me so well before even knowing me!! For you, Americans stepping into a relationship with a Russian (or Ukranian) it will be good to know some things described in the book WILL happen. Good luck to you all.

I recently traveled deep into the heart of Russia to visit a woman I had been corresponding with and talking to over the phone. I left Russia very confused. At times, it was exceedingly wonderful to be with her, but other times, it seemed she didn't liked me at all. I am certain she is similarly confused.

Groping for understanding, I bought this book. It did not disappoint. Time and time again I said to myself, "Oh, so that's why ....". Page after page brought a new revelation, so much so that my confusion melted into understanding.

Only someone that has never been romantically involved with a Russian could criticize this book. I can attest to its timeliness and validity. Many of the relationship topics the author (Visson) discusses are so subtle yet vital, that I cheer her for being able to communicate them with such clarity.

After reading this book, it became clear that if I want to love a Russian, I've got to go through Russia to get to Venus. "Wedded Strangers" will be an invaluable map.

My only complaint is that I do not have a Russian language version to give my love.