Customer Reviews

We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce

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3 star:		(1)
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1 star:		(1)

 

 

Dr. Ahrons offers solid direction in ways to improve binuclear family harmony, yet there is no cookie cutter approach, for her recognition of the unique circumstances that exist from one person or family situation to another is crystal clear. If you wish to feel both informed and optimistic about gaining strength as part of a binuclear family, or you want a deeper understanding of the myths surrounding the lives of families, maybe yours, postdivorce, read this book.

It is fitting that the final chaper is Advise From The Front Lines: How to script a good divorce. Here you can see clearly what her research unveiled giving the 173 adults interviewed, the opportunity to express what does and does not really matter when you are a child living in a divorced family. What advice would you give to parents who are divorcing, what advice would you give to other kids whose parents are divorcing? This illuminating chapter is an opportunity to learn from the kids who have lived it, now with 20 years of experience under their belt.

Dr. Ahrons believes in family. The results from her interviews coupled with the wisdom and experience that her impressive background provide, give me hope for the connectedness possible in binuclear families.

This book is readable, not at all dry, which is an accomplishment when it comes to revealing results from interviews. See for yourselves.

This was a great book, well-researched and living proof kids can survive and thrive after divorce! It's great to hear what the kids have to say about things 20 yrs later. Good read before, during and after the divorce. Highly recommended to anyone remotely involved in a divorce--even relatives.

For me, the best insights in the book came in the last chapter. Dr. Ahrons posits two questions to her research participants:

1. From your experience growing up in a divorced family, what advice would you give to parents who are divorcing?
2. What advice would you give to other kids whose parents are divorcing?

The answers that follow are tremendously valuable to anyone (including children) who are experiencing, or have experienced, divorce.

I highly recommend this book to parents who are concerned about the impact that their divorce may have on their children, and to adult children of divorce who are struggling to understand how their parents' divorce has impacted their lives.

(Full Review at FamilyResource.com)

I am a therapist that specializes in divorce. I have read more books on divorce than the average person and We're Still Family is among the best. It gives a balanced view of the effect of divorce on children and directly addresses the very negative view that Judith Wallerstein's books portray. It tells you what's most important for kids, both young and grown and will steer you in the right direction. Don't hesitate for a second to read this book!

The title of this book: "What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce" is wrong. This book is written for Divorced Parents so that they can feel ok about tearing their families apart. She says that Wallerstein's studies are innaccurate because they involve families from Marin County, CA where everyone evidentally is mentally ill. Although she lives in California herself, Ahrons' study involves a small amount of participants from the Mid-West, obviously her idea of a "normal community." As a Californian I resent that and I hope she retires soon and moves back to wherever the hell she thinks the people are normal and nice.

Divorce is difficult for the kids just as Death of a Parent is difficult for the kids. The therapy for it must involve lengthy grieving (of a different kind from death) and developing extreme adaptability and coping mechanisms that children from intact families never have to consider.

Almost always, people are attracted to the same mistake in relationships that they made the first time. You'll just marry the same type of person that you married before and you'll be exposing your kids to two bad situations instead of one. I think another reviewer said that Ahrons has been divorced twice herself. I think her motives for doing this study are selfish.

Read Wallerstein's books. If you really want to read the children's voices about growing up in a Divorced family read a collection of memoir essays called "Split." (sorry, can't remember the editor's name, Anna? somebody with an Asian last name). It comes straight from the Horses' mouths and should be required reading in all psychology courses.

Sociologists are normally very meticulous about how they design and conduct surveys and interviews. I found the questions the author posed to be unclear and subject to criticism, or to alternative interpretation. The individual quotations from adults who experienced divorce as a child have a complex underpinning that deserves further analysis: I suspect that many of these respondents are synthesizing an experience, sort of "making the best of a bad history." In any case, I don't think this book does more than try to substantiate further the theory of good divorce by interpreting grown children's responses to the best advantage of that theory. Not convincing.

If you are/were in a marriage that had to be dissolved or if you
had no control in the matter - your mate wanted out no matter
what, then this book is both useful and comforting.

If you are/were looking for an excuse to go on to greener
pastures, you might want to also consider some other figures.

Children (both as children and adults) fare better in life than
those whose parents did not stay together. This obviously is
not across the board. It is just a percentage-wise figure.

There are no guarantees one way or the other. But generally
(& by a pretty wide margin) those kids who have truancy, drug,
alcohol, teen pregnancy, and other problems as youngsters
and those who as adults are not able to find satisfactory
marriages themselves come from broken homes.

Two things, I think, that one needs to take into consideration
when analyzing Ms. Ahrons findings are 1) she has been divorced
twice herself (is she making a case for her own choices & thus has couched her questions in a way that would tend to elicit the
answers she wants) and 2) apparently all of her subjects, or at least one of their parents, were her former patients (does counselling make a significant difference when divorce happens).