What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce [Hardcover]

Judith S. Wallerstein (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 12, 2003

he Unexpected Legacy of Divorce gave us new and important insight into the long-term effects of divorce on children who have grown into adulthood. What About the Kids? is a new book that tells parents in unprecedented detail how to help their children over the long haul-what to say, what to do, what to expect-every step of the way. Tapping into the latest findings on how children develop, this clearly written guidebook helps parents understand why children at different ages react the way they do to divorce and how to head off trouble before it begins. The book follows divorce chronologically so parents can find advice for whatever stage of the experience they are in, including how to help older children many years after the breakup. nPart One: The Immediate Breakup What you need to know to get your own life back on track, what to tell the children, how children react, the reasons for their reactions, and thoughts on when is the best time to divorce. nPart Two: The First Few Years Setting routines, getting legal help, choosing the right custody to fit your child, finding support, and how to realistically follow the advice 'don't fight.' nPart Three: Assessing the Post-Divorce Family Five and Ten Years Down the Road Take another close look at yourself and your kids. Divorce requires a new kind of father, mother, and teenager. nPart Four: When Outsiders Join the Family Dating, sex, remarriage, blended families, holidays, and what step-parents need to know. nPart Five: Conversations for a Lifetime How to talk with your children as they enter young adulthood so they feel safe and free to seek relationships based on love, trust, and mutual commitment. What About the Kids? is the ultimate resource for any person wishing to ease the effects of divorce on children, and for all divorced parents who want to ensure their children's future happiness.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

The founder and executive director for the Center for the Family in Transition, Wallerstein taught at UC Berkeley for more than 25 years, but is best known as the author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which taught adult children of divorce how to recognize reactive divorce-based behavior patterns. Here with New York Times science writer Blakeslee, Wallerstein explicitly hopes to complement Dr. Spock and Dr. T. Berry Brazelton’s child rearing how-tos by showing parents how to guide children through the dissolution of a marriage. She does an excellent job. After a chapter that advises parents to get their own heads straight before dealing with the kids ("I wish I could tell you that it’s ok to lie down and pull the covers over your head, but that’s not possible"), Wallerstein addresses the developmental problems that infants and toddlers might face and ways of easing them into differing options for care. She’s forthright in talking about the reactions of older children ("Teenagers can be excellent manipulators. All of them do it, but children of divorce have much more to work with"), and talks about their needs with empathy, insight and rigor, but never loses sight of what parents need and feel, too. Chapters cover "The Breakup," "Parent to Parent" advice on custody and avoiding disputes, "The Post-Divorce Family," "Second Marriage" and "Conversations for a Lifetime," or talks that help kids not to be afraid of love and commitment. Addressing everything from parent-to-parent blame to the many forms of child-to-parent resentment, Wallerstein offers firm honesty and supportive encouragement. Divorcing parents will be grateful for it, and a confirmed Today show appearance and satellite TV tour should help spread the word.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

From Booklist

Wallerstein, author of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (2000), and Blakeslee, a science writer, draw on more than 30 years of research to provide advice and assistance to parents who are either facing divorce or coping with its aftermath. First they define the major challenges: getting the parent's life under control, preparing children for the breakup, and creating new relationships with the ex-partner. They emphasize that divorce is not a single event but a process with many stages. The book is organized around the steps of a divorce and its aftermath: the immediate breakup of the family, when reactions are at their rawest and most emotional; the first few years, when the new family routine is being established; a period of assessment 5 or 10 years after the breakup; the reconstituted family after remarriage; and communicating with children in young adulthood to help them develop and sustain strong relationships. The authors offer advice that runs the gamut, from answering questions children ask about divorce to choosing the best custody arrangement. This is a very valuable resource for families at any stage of breakup. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 400 pages
• Publisher: Hyperion; 1 edition (March 12, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0786868651
• ISBN-13: 978-0786868650
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6.1 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.4 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #354,048 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

40 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Informative & helpful guide for divorcing families, May 27, 2003

By 

MyParenTime.com "myparentimesfamily" (USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)   

This review is from: What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce (Hardcover)

As an adult whose parents divorced when I was about five years old, I can only imagine what my mother and father went through during that time. As a young child, I was too concerned with my own life and routines to even wonder how the divorce affected them. I do know that I had a very happy childhood, and I don't remember my routines being too disrupted.

My parents were among the millions of men and women who have decided on divorce. The process of divorce can be complicated as it is. But if there are children in the family, divorce can be a very traumatic experience for all involved. If divorce is not easy for the adults, why would it be any easier for the children?

In the book, "What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce," by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, divorce is looked at as being new beginning, since everyone's lives will be different from that point on. How can parents protect themselves from being any less of the parent they were before the divorce? How do parents explain their divorce to their children, and how can they protect their children during each stage of their new lives? This book contains these answers and much more. Parents who are going through or have already gone through a divorce will learn the best way to take care of themselves, their children, and how to handle many of life's situations as a divorced parent.

MyParenTime highly recommends this book -- it is easy-to-read and is written in a non-discriminating tone. It provides helpful information to parents who are going through a difficult time in their lives. It also focuses on the children at different stages in their lives -- because parents are not the only ones whose lives will be changed forever.

28 of 29 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars If you a parent getting a divorce, you must read this book, March 22, 2003

By A Customer

This review is from: What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce (Hardcover)

I thought this was the most helpful book I read on divorce and its impact on the kids. I have kids of different ages and there was VERY helpful information for each one of them. I would have been lost without this book. Besides the author has done research on kids of divorce for 25 years and really understands the long term effects of divorce on kids -- at every age.

Read the excerpt in the "look inside" section.

25 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars well-written complete guidebook, April 5, 2003

By 

Harriet Klausner - See all my reviews
(#1 Hall OF FAME REVIEWER)    (TOP 1000 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce (Hardcover)

When it comes to the children (including adults) of divorce parents, Judith S. Wallerstein is considered the self-help guru based on the insightful THE UNEXPECTED LEGACY OF DIVORCE. Her newest effort to help families is a discerning collaboration with Sandra Blakeslee that provides a how to guide book to assist divorcing or divorced parents with helping their children survive the break up of the marriage.

The authors insist that the former spouses must straighten themselves out rather quickly so that they can be there for the children (think airline oxygen mask instructions). Infants and toddlers need immediate assistance while adapting to changes in care and nurturing. Preadolescents require empathy and the knowledge the parents will be there as they struggle with the emotional bombs of change. Teens will manipulate the guilt of the parents better than Machiavelli so provide empathy and understanding, but also remember the parent has feelings too. Even adults have issues that their splitting parents must not ignore. Other topics provide insight into the before during, after, and second marriages with a thorough index to further assist the reader.

This is a well-written complete guidebook encouraging the divorcees that with integrity they can handle the grenades their resentful, often angry children and perhaps their former partner toss at them.