Customer Reviews

What Could He Be Thinking?: How a Man's Mind Really Works

5 star:		(15)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(4)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

I bought this book when my husband and I started having marital problems. He kept accusing me of not listening to him and I knew that wasn't true. I was listening to him I just wasn't getting it. As I read each chapter, I kept getting these enlightened moments. Ahhh....that is why he is like this. To know that some of it is biological helped me considerably in dealing with the communication issues. I now know that my needs conflict with his on a biological level and this makes him exceedingly uncomfortable. This has helped me improve my life and our marriage 100%. It may have actually saved my marriage. I have many friends who are dealing with the same issues with their husbands and I am going to buy them all this book for Christmas. If women who are planning to get married would read this book, they would have a better chance of marrying a secure, mature male and their prospect of having a long lasting marriage would improve. This book would also be good for any couple if they want to improve their marriage.

I am not a doctor, but I did stay in a holiday inn express last night, so I guess that qualifies me to be an expert on EVERYTHING - just like all doctors are...right. But seriously, here is the two cents of a major league skeptic who thinks this book has a lot of value.

I think it is fine to be skeptical about some of this science, as the doctor from San Jose points out, but it doesn't logically follow that just because the science isn't perfect that the ideas in this book are wrong (which seems to be the implication). In fact, I would say that empirical evidence tends to support the author's ideas, and that the idea that men and women think totally differently is not a particularly wild one. Focusing only on the science misses the point, and I couldn't disagree more with the statement, "If you want a healthy relationship you don't need to read a book to learn how." EVERYONE struggles with relationships, and if reading books or talking to friends or, god forbid, even talking to a shrink doctor, helps you, then that is great and you should go for it. Books can provide perspective, advice and understanding, and, in this particular case they can shed light on behaviours, and it is easier to tolerate a behavior if you understand why.

Now I agree with the good doctor's opinion that it is easy to use "that's just the way I am" as an excuse for bad behavior, but the differences in memory, emotional tendencies and other things discussed in this book are not all behaviors, but in many cases really are "just the way we are." I would go further to argue that communication styles are also "just the way we are," because even if they are learned behaviors, they are totally ingrained by adulthood, so you have to learn to translate what people say from their way of thinking to yours in order to respond properly and have a meaningful dialog.

And this does filter into such everyday things as channel flipping and a host of other things that women don't understand about men. I think it filters into everything. My wife is finally understanding that when it takes me 10 or 20 seconds to process what she says when I am watching something interesting on TV, it is not because I am purposely ignoring her or am not interested in what she has to say. It's just that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time, and it takes a bit to change gears.

On a final note, the doctor closes by saying nobody changes and that you need to find someone rational, good and loving. OK, I believe that to be true, but in my limited experience, on the rationality front, women have the same capacity for rationality as men, but they are 100 times more likely to throw it by the wayside if it conflicts with their emotions. Most women I know don't make personal decisions after a rational thought process weighing all the factors. But because I know and accept that, it doesn't bother me that my wife is so irrational sometimes, and I don't try to solve all her problems with reason, like I try to do for myself. I do try to separate out the emotional issues from the logical ones sometimes, but most of the time she just needs someone to stand by her, listen, care and suppport her. My best advice to men is that to learn how to do that, and to women, is to learn how to forgive and understand us when we don't, because this isn't our natural tendency.

I have been a practicing neurologist for 17 years, and relating behavioral disorders to neurological conditions is my field of expertise. I know enough about the topics addressed by the author to recognize that he is a quack.

While there are grains of truth in this book, most of the supposed 'science' is either badly misinterpreted or intentionally twisted to fit the author's social outlook. Most of the claimed `biological' reasons for male behavior have no basis in reality.

We have only begun really exploring the relationship between cerebral structures and male/female behavior differences. Though that is not my particular field of study, I do know enough to say a book like this won't be based on science for many years to come.

Now to venture out of my field as a scientist - allow me to speak as a man to women thinking of buying this book: If a guy acts like a pig, it's because he is a pig. Dump him. You should hold men to high standards and they should hold you to high standards. "How we were raised" is not an excuse. There are millions of Germans alive to today brought up to be Nazi's, but they've managed to get over it. Men brought up to be idiots can get over it too.

If you want a healthy relationship you don't need to read a book to learn how. You need to behave in a rational manner and be a good and loving person. You need to find a partner who is rational, good and loving. That person should be someone you can both love and live with for life (there are many people we will meet in life that fall into one of the above categories but so very few who fall into both).

And one last thing: nobody changes; so don't expect him or her to. If you don't like the way they are, you need to look elsewhere.

I heard the author speak on a radio talk show a few months ago, and his book sounded good. I found it quite informative. Maybe I've missed something in my long marriage, but some of his revelations were new to me. I suspected many of the differences were true but didn't have the supported facts until now.

I particularly enjoyed such topics as intimate separateness, "earn this", the heart vs life journey, "wouldn't have war" remark (pg. 61), the current decades long dominance of the woman's view, and stages of marriage, among many others. One could quibble with the stages, but it is nevertheless food for thought and gives some good insight into most marriages. Don't miss chapter 7 on the male at home.

... Martin Gardner, a science writer of some considerable note and talent, put together something of a quack detection list of 10 or so items. I don't think the term quack has any place here. Gurian does at least give very specific material that one can go to for additional information on sex difference research. This or Gurian's interpretation of it doesn't look like quack information to me. If one can question something about the sex difference argument, it is some educators' views (I think female organiaztion driven) that girl's are equivalent of boys and should be treated as such. There seems to a view that nearly two million years of evolution has not produced brain and other differences between the sexes. That view comes a lot closer to quackery than anything else on this subject.

My biggest beef about the books is about some of the organization. Some of the last few chapters seem out of place, but still useful. I did find myself skimming a few sections of the book, since they really do not apply to me. Rearing children, for example. For some reason, he did not include any index. There are plenty of times when I wanted to refer back to info and an index would have been valuable--also for future reference. One saving point on this is that thankfully Amazon has a facility to search the entire book. There's also an abundance of brain terminology that would be served well in an appendix. I finally resorted to taking notes and found a good web site to get additional info ...

I'd suggest this book be required reading for men and women.

It's obvious that there are men who behave in a stereotypical way. Hog the remote, can't see that the house needs to be cleaned, better at physical activities with their children and not so good at emotional needs. OK, they exist. The problem is, they're NOT all men.

Mr. Gurian's fault isn't that he fails to offer good advice to some. It's that he's trying offer advice to all using a biological argument. It's right there in the title - not "some," not "many," no qualifier at all, just "How a Man's Mind Really Works." Pretty arrogant actually - and marginalizing to those who clearly don't fit the author's stereotypes.

As a man, I found myself defying most of Gurian's stereotypes, even when compared to the women in my life. Funny thing that . . . my girlfriend can be a slob at times. She had servants as a child. Hmm, could it be that she was affected by her environment? I cry at movies that my girlfriend has no reaction to. I grew up with an emotional father who worked as a social worker. Again, wouldn't it make sense that my environment helped form who I was?

There has been a backlash against feminist and egalitarian theories about the sexes being alike. While the extremes went too far (men and women are clearly not identical), the backlash is just as severe and just as misguided.

Mr. Gurian's book contributes nothing when it comes to understanding the full scope of men's behavior and emotional development. But then again, if you have one of those traditional men in your life, by all means, read this book. You'll probably find something useful here. Just don't use this book as proof that all men are alike.

I was looking for a greater focus on neurobiology and neuropsychology and less on sociology. This book speaks to stereotypes of males and draws connections between the male brain and stereotypical male behavior, but its simplification of both men and women leave something to be desired. It makes dangerous leaps from biology to behavior and then to culture - the sharp reader will note statements inserted here and there that are broad or deep in meaning but are backed my little explanation and even appear off-topic. Be open-minded as you read this book. Use it as a learning tool in developing your understanding of the psychology of the genders, but by all means, don't blindly accept the explanations or recommendations this book makes.

This book offers an insightful perspective on some of the "male" behaviors that are complexing to many women. In general, the author's assertions ring very true. I will certainly approach my relationships with men differently having read this book. However, the author makes strong suggestions that women avoid certain sexual activities when dating. This goes back to the old adage that a woman is solely responsible for chastity and I think that's archaic and demeaning to women and men. It implies that men have no control over their sexual urges and are not part of the process of deciding when and if they want to become intimate with someone. So, read this book with a grain of salt. It's always beneficial to relationships when you attempt to understand someone and respect their differences. This book gives some pointers on beginning that process.

This book is not P/C. But even Newsweek says men and women are different so it must be okay to read heretical books like this.

If you are a feminist, or male in denial about what testosterone does to your brain when in utero, you will not enjoy the time reading this book. As a husband I am now at peace with myself on many issues, including why I can't ever load the dishwasher correctly.

As a father I am now far more able to parent my teenage sons because I realize how we are the same. Further, as a result of my confidence from this book, and insights from "Every Mans Battle' (stoker and arterburn) I am intervening and helping shape my teeneage sons lives on on issues of sexuality, pornography and other behaviour traps that face them daily.

As a husband I have better understanding of my wifes view of work, the home, and what she values in a elationship. There are countless communication and value styles, and day to day, head to head issues in our relationship where this book has helped me. This proves you are never too old, or too married to learn.

This book is chock full of "aha's" as you realize why things work the way they do, either in a male to female or female to male manner. Here are a few of mine. Why I seem to go blank, look for a quick summary or resolution, or am unable to concentrate and get frustrated when discussing complex relationship topics after 30-45 minutes (women have more parts of their brains dedicated to speech and cache information more quickly). Why my wife can remember staggering deatils about the times she's been hurt or happy (its not because I'm stupid its because of how womens memory is structured).

If you are a guy and thinking about reading this, buy it and quit wasting time.

If you are a women in a "relationship" buy it for your man and tell him it is only one of three books you'll ever ask him to read, even if you have to use sex to get it read. You already know the chances are slim he'll never buy a book like this (self help books are like directions - you don't buy them and you don't ask for them).

What a wonderful and useful book! I'm a single woman, between relationships, and I wish I had this book before I started dating. It helped me understand men and myself. JAH and a lot of the other reviewers have trashed this book, but it seems to me they are reading some other book. This book is so positive about both women and men, I recommend it to every woman. I especially liked how it dealt with bridge brain men and women. I'm a woman who often "thinks more like a man," and I say, thank you, Michael Gurian, for helping me understand myself.

This book is filled with really interesting science, and it's written so that anyone can read it and learn more about their relationship. I've read the other reviews on Amazon about this book and a lot of the negative ones make things up just to push some kind of agenda. If you're a man or woman who wants to make your relationship work, I highly recommend Michael Gurian's work.