27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Author did everything right, November 19, 2006
This review is from: What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Hardcover)
Pryor's book exceeded my expectations. I picked it up out of idle curiosity and, midway through, got on the phone to a female friend: "You've got to read this! I have a story..."
And that's the power of What Did I Do Wrong (WDIDW): universal appeal and a compelling "can't put this down" narrative style. Pryor creates a unique genre between self-help and personal essay: she's more like the big sister or mentor, with research and attitude, rather than the expert or ordinary person with an opinion. Not bad.
Pryor focuses on women who have close friendships, lasting several years, with frequent contact and conversation. We learn what happens when one friend says, "Enough! I'm ready to move on." Maybe she's just outgrowing the friendship. Or maybe her friend inadvertently did something that made her see their relationship in a new, ugly light. The "initiator" of the breakup tends to just disappear out of the "receiver's" life, leaving the "receiver" baffled, hurt and angry, often unable to feel closure.
Pryor encourages the "initiator" to talk to the "receiver," either in person or via letter. She has become something of an expert in helping others write these letters, beginning with the straightforward communication question: "What is your objective?"
Before reading WDIDW, I would have said, "Typically these conversations create awkwardness and accomplish nothing." But now I would say, "It can be important to assure the receiver that she didn't do anything horrible." The most painful stories in Pryor's book describe situations when one friend believed a false rumor about the other -- in one case, a woman left her neighborhood after friends dropped her based on a bizarre story spread by one woman's housekeeper.
So I would say the most important confrontation may not be about losing the friendship, but about asking the question, "Is this true? Did you do this?" In fact, if a friend doesn't ask these questions, I'd wonder what else was going on. What kind of friend believes an unconfirmed rumor?
Pryor's lack of credentials (she states clearly on the book jacket, "I'm not a shrink or a Pulitzer prize winner") makes the book fun to read. But a social scientist might encourage us to move to deeper questions, such as, "When are these shifts likely to occur? Are friendship changes correlated with changes in residence, career, economic shifts or marriage?"
My own friendships tend to evaporate following a move, marriage, childbirth, or other family event. When I returned to graduate school for a PhD, friends disappeared because my schedule, interests and sense of direction shifted radically. Pryor's stories mostly came from women who resembled each other in terms of life status, such as "married with children." In one case, a friendship broke up when one woman's husband disliked her friend. This topic might deserve more discussion, especially as more and more of us are single and living alone by choice.
With more casual friends, often a single incident made me say, "I don't want to spend more time with this person." So I think it's important to note that, in today's mobile society, we often assume we're friends when we're merely acquaintances. We need to take time to get to know someone before investing emotional energy in a relationship.
But Pryor doesn't seem focused on teaching us, let alone giving us the "10 tips" we see so often these days. She presents evocative stories that encourage us to ask our own questions, talk to whoever's in our current circle of friends, and ultimately find our own solutions.
Not a book to take with you to a desert island!
Cathy Goodwin (.com)
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27 of 28 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
I loved it, October 15, 2006
This review is from: What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Hardcover)
Being in the midst of just such a situation, I was glad to find this book. Having just finished it, I can say that I loved it. I have just finished composing a letter to the friend who is now snubbing me, and even if she never replies, just putting the feelings down on paper has already brought me a sense of relief. I don't understand those who think her letter writing advice stinks. I think it makes a lot of sense. In a nutshell, she says to state your feelings, don't be accusatory and rattle off the other's faults because it will just make them defensive, acknowledge the good things you shared, and leave the door open for reconciliation (if that's what you want). What's wrong with that? I suppose if you're the one doing the snubbing, you'd think this is a bad idea because you already feel guilty and it will make you uncomfortable to face the pain you are causing someone else. But speaking as the snubbed, I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt to get a letter like this from a friend, but that pain is a thousand times better than the endless unanswered questions and self-esteem crushing doubt that comes with being suddenly and unceremoniously blown off.
If nothing else, if this book makes people think about the impact that their behavior has on someone else, then it's a good thing. If you take nothing else away remember this, with someone that you have shared a bond (I'm not talking about a casual relationship), you are not sparing their feelings or keeping them from being hurt by disappearing from their life without a word! You are killing a part of their soul. If you dated some loser for six months that you never even loved, you would give him the courtesy of a letter or a breakup talk or something when you ended the relationship. Why would you not give someone who has been your closest confidante for many years the same courtesy? If you are doing the snubbing, ask yourself if the shoe were on the other foot if you would prefer to have an explanation (painful though it may be) and closure, or if you would want your closest friend in all the world to simply cut you off without a word. You know what the answer is.
So, I highly recommend this book. It's really comforting to know that others go through the same thing and it helps me not take things so personally. If you're lucky enough to have deep friendships that have never been troubled, then know that you are really blessed. But if you're like the rest of us and have wounded or been wounded by someone you called a friend, then this book offers really good advice to help you make peace with the situation and move on.
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15 of 15 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Finally.....some validation and perspective, May 1, 2006
This review is from: What Did I Do Wrong?: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over (Hardcover)
This book was a wonderful read - I didn't want it to end. Liz's writing style is bouncy and easy going. She moves you through the visual elements of each of the stories of the women who's lives were left in tatters over unexplained abruptly ended friendships. I needed some help on this subject, having been dumped by a great friend from my childhood seven years ago. I still carried the confusion and sadness and wondered how she could have done this. What was she thinking?The book reveals much insight into those women who are the "dumpers" What that process was like for them. There aren't many books out there on this subject - so grab this one and have a few tissues on hand - the tears you will shed will be not only for these stories of broken hearts, but for the sorrow you still might carry around for your own loss. Well done, Liz
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