Customer Reviews

What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage

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My wife and I were able to sit through a recent marriage conference by Paul Tripp on Redeeming the Realities of Marriage. If you can go to one of his conferences, it is a great opportunity to enjoy a weekend together and talk through some of the areas that present growth opportunities in marriage.

Attending the live event is beneficial, but Tripp's book What Did You Expect: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage is based on the material from the conference. Tripp begins by examining the "essential wisdom perspectives that Scripture gives us for a realistic expectation of marriage": 1) you are conducting your marriage in a fallen world; 2) you are a sinner married to a sinner; 3) God is faithful, powerful, and willing. Tripp then examines the centrality of worship in all of life and the importance of it in a proper understanding of marriage. We should especially view our marriage in light of the Kingdom of God because we are tempted to be about the process of building our own kingdoms in our life and our marriage. Our marriages will find healing as we align our lives with God's Kingdom.

After explaining the importance of seeing your marriage in light of the Kingdom of God, Tripp structures the book by explaining six commitments that will encourage a lifestyle for a healthy and strong marriage:

1. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
2. We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
3. We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
4. We will commit to building a relationship of love.
5. We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
6. We will work to protect our marriage.

Each commitment has 2-3 chapters that explains the particular commitment and places it in light of the big picture of the book.

If you have read some of Tripp's other books (such as Instruments in the Hands of the Redeemer or War of Words), you will recognize some of the material. Tripp is applying the aspect of heart change and the gospel of grace to the area of marriage, but even if you have read the other works, this particular study on marriage is important. It would be wise to use this material not only for current marital growth, but also pre-marital counseling as we attempt to prepare couples for the realities of marriage.

Marriage is hard. To be a good husband or wife is even harder. The more we try, the more conscious we are of our failure. I guess that's why there are so many marriage books. And why, after 1537 other Christian marriage books, the new ones continue to sell. And why, after reading several of the older ones, I continue to read new ones.

We hope to discover The Secret, whatever that is. But we don't, because there's not one. Having a strong marriage is just plain, hard work. But if we can be reminded that we aren't perfect, that we haven't arrived, that we, in fact, are far from "arriving," then something is gained. And if we glean a few tidbits that help us to become a better husband or wife, much is gained. So I'm grateful for Paul David Tripp's new book on the old but important subject of marriage.

Tripp's first line is my favorite: "For some reason I seem to be drawn to write about things I'm not very good at." This humility sets the tone, and the theme, for the whole book. Tripp doesn't present himself as husband of the year, sitting on a lofty perch and tossing scraps of wisdom to the dogs. Instead, he passes on what he has learned through real experience, and what he is still learning, because he (like the rest of us) hasn't arrived.

Tripp's book is based upon six commitments, which are the major divisions of the book:

1. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
2. We will make growth and change our daily agenda.
3. We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust.
4. We will commit to building a relationship of love.
5. We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
6. We will work to protect our marriage.

If all of Tripp's advice was summarized in a word, it would be unselfishness. Selfishness, Tripp warns, is the greatest danger to marriage. True love is always "other-centered and other-motivated."

"Love is willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife."

Something that sets Tripp's book apart from others that I have read is that it presents husbands and wives as equal partners. It doesn't paint the picture of the sanctified husband patiently enduring the foolishness of his wife, like some Christian books. (These books, by the way, don't fit the situation in my house.) Nor does he portray marriage like it is portrayed in TV commercials: the balding, overweight, lazy husband (think Homer Simpson) married to the witty, attractive, successful wife. (This might actually come closer to our situation.) As I said, Tripp presents husbands and wives as equals, which I find refreshing.

The one difficulty I have is Tripp's writing style. It is sometimes awkward ("powerfully insightful and practically transformational origin to destiny perspective"), and often repetitive. There were a few times when what I was reading sounded so much like what I had already read that I thought my little boy had moved my book marker again. But we do learn through repetition, after all.

Over all, What Did You Expect? is about what you would expect from Paul David Tripp--a sound, thoroughly biblical, Christ-centered and helpful book. The advice is terrific, and the examples Tripp gives are practical and realistic. If you're looking for another book on marriage, you won't go wrong with this one.

I received a review copy of this book from Crossway.

I have the privilege of overseeing most of the content of a Christian bookstore and this is the best book on marriage that I have encountered. It is the best book because it repeatedly reorients the reader to consider how their self-centered sin functions in an anti-social manner and is the cause of the issues in their marriage. Alongside this it repeatedly calls the reader to refocus their attention to the call to be captivated by the God who is worthy or our worship and the work of his Son. This book is thorough in ruthlessly caring to equip the reader to see our sin clearer, but yet to see our Savior even more clearly. It is realistic in both the work that it takes to make a marriage work while also graphically portraying the work that Christ has already done to make us able to make our marriages work.

Every Paul David Tripp book I read before this one was great in my opinion (War of Words, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, Age of Opportunity, Lost in the Middle). I always came away edified, so I was really looking forward to Mr. Tripp's treatise on marriage. I did find that it does have a great marriage/gardening analogy and strong gospel assertions.

Yet, here's what really surprised me. This book, in my opinion, could have referenced more pertinent scriptures. For example, in the section on forgiveness, I kept waiting for Mr. Tripp to remind the reader what God has said about the subject such as Ephesians 4:32. If I missed it and it is there, I do apologize. By the grace of God, my husband and I have been married over 30 years and that is a crucial verse. There was also no mention of Ephesians 5:32-33, but I could be too picky - wanting the obvious spelled out.

Next, another reviewer mentioned that parts of this book were often repetitive. For example, at least 3 times throughout the book, it says almost verbatim that "Luella [his wife] is my hero". Please understand: From what I've read, she is a great person. It's wonderful that he highly regards his wife, but many statements such as these were redundant and added no new evidence to his case. His other books I have read seemed much more succinct.

Lastly and most surprisingly, Mr. Tripp's writings to me are usually so much more positive. This book's premise: We are sinners (and I agree we are). We need God's grace especially in marriage (and I agree we do). My question: Couldn't the same human author who made raising our teens sound so promising make marriage sound equally as hopeful? See my review of Age of Opportunity; even the title is inspiring. Side note: if there is ever a revised edition of What Did You Expect?, they might consider a new title like Beyond our Expectations.... or something more encouraging. I digress...back to my question: Isn't the God who enables us to love our teens the same God who will also empower us to prosper in our marriages? In all kindness, I did not find a resounding `yes' here. When I finished the book, I noticed Mr. Tripp's picture on the back flap of the book jacket. His half smile seemed to be saying so - What did you Expect??? Frankly but with all due respect regarding this particular book----I expected something more upbeat. Did I mention that I really liked Age of Opportunity?

I've been in a difficult marriage for nearly 9 years and, more recently, through the addition of 2 little children (3 and 1 yrs) and one on the way. Although I have a close relationship with God and active prayer/Bible reading habits, my husband is a worldly (supposed) saved-by-the-grace-of-God-through-Jesus-Christian. Our life goals and daily priorities are completely different. My life goals are to become a "woman after God's own heart" who abides by the the 2 Greatest Commandments and lives the Great Commission, as well as raises my kids to change the world for Jesus, my husband's goals are to provide for his family: buy a house, nicer cars, have more money and enjoy life's perks (he loves good food and enjoys movies), he loves good coffee and beer. He drinks at least 2-3 beers each night and, frankly, is dependent upon alcohol to "cope" with his life and just to come home to me and our small, cluttered apartment (his words). He is extremely critical and tells me daily how I don't measure-up to person I should be. I, just recently (and wonder if it might have something to do with hormone-heightened emotions) have become cold and angry and contemptious of him. I think if we had read this book before we were married or in the very beginning of our marriage (and embraced the reconcillation lifestyle purported within its pages) we would be far better off. We are recieving fantistic, godly counsel and reading this book is one of our current assignments. I must continue to trust God for my marriage and ask him to soften my cold heart. But I truly am learning much more concretely the concepts of living in a truly godly marriage and am working at applying them in my life. There is hope for my marriage.

Nobody I know goes into marriage expecting the reality that actually happens. And then every last one of us is left to figure out how to manage the rest of our lives in this uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful situation we hadn't anticipated. Some folks divorce; some bicker to the death; some grit their teeth and pretend everything's OK; some settle for silent desperation/separation under the same roof. We Christians tend to grit our teeth and label it "holiness." No wonder our young adult children are not attracted to emulate our marriages.

A knowledgeable counselor friend of mine says he estimates that only 5% of marriages (whether inside or outside the Church) are actually functioning in a state of peace, harmony and fulfillment. Marriage is not what most people expected it to be. But it IS what God designed it to be. The problem is that most of us don't want to know God's plan; we prefer our own plan and along with it, we prefer to live in varying degrees of misery.

So along comes Paul Tripp. Many of the ideas he presents in What Did You Expect? are not new. I heard them in numerous counselors' offices during the decades I was trying to save my own marriage. But Tripp synthesizes them more clearly than I have ever seen or heard them to date. And occasionally, he lays out original, mind-bending ideas I never have heard anywhere else.

With humility and compassion, with laser sharp insight, in understandable language, Mr. Tripp lays explosives under the foundation of everything the reader thinks he or she knows about marriage, and blows it sky high. Fortunately, Tripp also offers the tools for rebuilding the marriage with a much more substantial foundation using biblical principles with ample real-life examples for application.

Tripp's book is an indispensable and unique compendium of many years' worth of biblical counseling, common sense and professional counseling advice--none of which contradicts the other. It is by far the best book on marriage I have ever read. For those who choose to accept it and apply it, it will be life changing. Those who have ears, let them hear.

This is the best book I have read on healing a marriage from a Christian perspective. It is a healthy dose of much needed reality based on the truth of the Bible. Goes beyond external behavior modifications to the heart issues that produce the words and behaviors that are destructive to marriage. Targets the reader to see that we are each responsible for our behaviors & our responses and therefore focuses primarily on how do I change, not, how do I change my spouse. Sets before the reader the truth of the gospel that life in Christ can empower us to change the way we live, walk in the power of the Holy Spirit, and redeem our marriages.

In full disclosure, I'm still reading this book. Knowing well the wisdom that can be gleaned from anything Paul Tripp writes, I purchased this book. So far the best books on marriage that I've read include "When Sinners Say I Do" and "Sacred Marriage." Add Tripps's book to that list. He acknowledges freely the messiness of marriage, the hurts, griefs, disappointments, but he speaks hope into the mess. He consistently cultivates the "big picture" view of marriage as part of God's plan to sanctify His people, reveal their sins, so He in mercy can deal with them within the vulnerable relationship of two sinners. But this view is not "pie in the sky by and by." It's reality, but infused with the hope of the gospel. We can love well, and we can change.

This book took my husband and me through a wonderful journey! An already good marriage was made AWESOME! We hope to take what we learned and mentor others. I can't sing the praises of this book enough. God has annointed Tripp in a mighty way! He tells you the hard stuff without making it seem impossible.

We also have the book Relationships: A Mess Worth Making in our possession (currently). This is co-authored by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp. It deals with many types of relationships, not just marriage, and in my opinion is far better--has more meat and is much better executed--though probably a little bit shorter.

I completely agree with the other reviewer who stated that the book was repetitive. Not only is he repetitive regarding his wife, but he is repetitive regarding his negative view of Christian sex books (such as, I am guessing, books written by Dr. Ed Wheat, the Lahayes, and Dr. Leman)--I believe this is mentioned at least three times throughout. (That, by the way, is a little confusing: he does add that some education may be helpful, but I wouldn't expect even the godliest couple to instinctively "know," and I'm not sure so many sentences need to be devoted to directives away from these books. For those who aren't comfortable talking to their parents, wouldn't a Christian source be better? Probably those books aren't needed so much after the first months or years, but aren't nearly all of these geared to newlyweds or the engaged?)
I haven't taken stock of other instances.

I think he has a few good points--love, forgiveness, the fact that many get married not knowing what love is, etc. Unfortunately, I feel these points are nearly drowned in the overly long anecdotal stories, which could at least be executed in a more interesting, readable way (e.g., more dialogue).

All in all, I don't think it is a bad book, but I think there are better ones out there: the aforementioned book on relationships, Reading Your Male (Mary Farrar), etc. For those contemplating marriage with starry eyes, When I Get Married is also a great resource and very well written. I think this is probably geared not only to newlyweds but (probably) to those who marry younger than, say, 24. I didn't read anything I thought was completely wrong in it, just a lot that could have been said more concisely.