What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws [Hardcover]

Terri Apter (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 6, 2009

Breaking new ground in family psychology, an exploration of the intricacy, friction, and love in the bonds between in-laws.

When we marry, we believe the bond is between only two individuals. Few of us realize the power that inlaws will exert over our lives. But the in-laws we acquire when we marry affect our quality of life—our marriage, family, personal comfort, and long-term well-being—for better or worse. What Do You Want From Me? takes a fresh look at the age-old problem of managing conflict with in-laws, offering practical help for dealing with problems that are both immediate (“How do I deal with my in-laws now?”) and strategic (“How can I change the nature of my in-laws’ demands?”). Terri Apter, a psychologist whose books on family dynamics have received international acclaim, draws on nearly two decades of psychological research to pinpoint the sources of tension between in-laws and explore the ways in which we can build healthy relationships with the in-laws in our lives.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Though it's often said that you don't just marry a person, you marry their family too, these complex relationships are often reduced to mother-in-law jokes and cruel stereotypes. Apter, a writer, psychologist and Cambridge University fellow, explores the mysteries and conflicts that come with the in-laws, including mother, father, sister and brother. Offering compelling insights into the power these relationships over a marriage, and the well being of both partners, Apter bases her report on interviews with 150 volunteers, in both the U.K. and the U.S. With professional grace, Apter exposes the emotional minefields that couples often navigate around in-laws, and the ease with which they become stuck in negative (and familiar) attitudes toward them. Apter moves beyond convenient labels, for example readdressing the idea of a mama's boy and what he can mean for a new wife, and convincingly demonstrating why women bear the brunt of the tension from both sides of the family. Self-help-standard questionnaires, exercises and coping methods-mostly practical-are also included in each chapter, giving readers knowledge and skills to relate more openly with the loved one's less-than-loveable family.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

Apter's books include the "lucid, funny and illuminating" (The Sunday Times) The Sister Knot (ISBN 978 0 393 33062 5); The Confident Child (ISBN 978 0 393 32896 7), "one of those texts whose reputation has been spread by word of mouth" (The Times Educational Supplement); The "excellent" (The Observer) Myth of Maturity (ISBN 978 0 393 32317 7); and the "wise and understanding" (The Times Educational Supplement) You Don't Really Know Me (ISBN 978 0 393 32710 6).

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (July 6, 2009)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0393066975
• ISBN-13: 978-0393066975
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.6 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.0 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (15 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #976,239 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

49 of 57 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Could only handle so much, July 6, 2009

By 

M. Wallis "momtoomamny" (Maryland) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws (Hardcover)

This book is great if you are willing to let your mother in law have an equal say in your home, family and parenting. I do not agree with this theroy so this was not a helpful book for me. I'm sorry but my mother in law had her chance to be the mom, my having children with her son does not equal a do over her for. Grandparents are not a "primary relationship" for children, that is infact a parents role, and the granparents take on a supporting role. I'm sure this will be a helpful book for some(mostly baby boomer who are trying to justify their pushiness as grandparents rights..) TRY TOXIC INLAWS FIRST, real life help!

15 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Understanding, at last, June 12, 2009

By 

sister reader (Chicago) - See all my reviews

This review is from: What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws (Hardcover)

"What do you want from?" explains why in-law relationships can feel so uncomfortable. I like many things about in-laws and I really try to get on with them, but I have never understood why my efforts don't pay off. Terri Apter shows what is really going on underneath. Common sense doesn't go deep enough, but Apter's descriptions of family systems make sense, and will help me be a better daughter-in-law. And I no longer feel ashamed of how I feel.

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Insight and enlightenment, July 24, 2009

By 

Reader1 - See all my reviews

This review is from: What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws (Hardcover)

For over ten years I have been puzzled by the tension between my mother and my wife. I have felt like the man caught in the middle of an argument that is being carried on in a strange language. I read Terri Apter's book because I wanted to vet it before deciding who to give it to - my wife or my mother. I quickly realised that "What do you want from me?" is for every member of the family. I now can see things I never saw before, and from two different perspectives. And I think I can also take steps to diffuse the tension.