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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal Hardcover – September 4, 2012


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Editorial Reviews

Review

“In an easy-to-understand format full of anecdotes, imaginary dialogues, and analogies to game theory, Gottman explains lack of trust in a relationship … The practical tools to evaluate current relationships and step-by-step methods for avoiding betrayal, repairing relationships heading toward crisis, or healing a relationship after a crisis will be useful to couples who want to look honestly at healing chronic hurts and improving the state of their relationship, and are ready for a system to help them.”—Publishers Weekly

"Instructional and enlightening..."—Kirkus Reviews

“In What Makes Love Last? (Simon & Schuster), John Gottman and Nan Silver address a broad spectrum of betrayals beyond bed hopping and backstabbing, from emotional cheating to absenteeism. For couples who are ready to heal (and open to having sex), they offer methods meant to help the brokenhearted and distrustful evaluate the current state of their marriage, pull a damaged relationship out of the fire, and, one hopes, preempt future bad behavior.” (Vanity Fair)

About the Author

John Gottman is the author of numerous academic articles and author or coauthor of forty books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He lives on Orcas Island, Washington.
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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Simon & Schuster; 8.5.2012 edition (September 4, 2012)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1451608470
  • ISBN-13: 978-1451608472
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 1 x 9.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.6 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (75 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #169,783 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Nan Silver is an author, journalist and editor who specializes in parenting, relationships, psychology and health. With Dr. John Gottman, she is co-author of the newly released What Makes Love Last? as well as the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. She is also the author of Rules for Parents, a collection of entertaining edicts about modern parenting. Amazon's review concluded: "Silver maintains a witty, conversational tone that makes for a quick and memorable read. This Mommy could do a mean stand-up routine." Her magazine credits include stints as editor-in-chief of Health magazine, contributing editor at Parents magazine and a wide assortment of feature articles and columns. She has been a married Mom and a single Mom and has two amazing kids who make her look like a better parent than she is (except when they don't).

Customer Reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

44 of 46 people found the following review helpful By Dr. Kathy Nickerson on October 15, 2012
Format: Hardcover
As a relationship expert myself, I am constantly reading books about healing from affairs, repairing marriage, and regaining trust in a damaged relationship. Dr. Gottman is truly a psychologist's psychologist; he has been researching couples and relationships for almost 40 years and every single one of his books contains practical advice. This book is no different and what really makes it stand out from all of the other relationship books on the market is that it is based on research, not hunches or guesses.

In this book, Gottman discusses the impact of betrayal on a relationship and how repeated betrayal erodes the foundation of a marriage. He describes how partners who have lost trust in each other frequently end up in very negative cycles of continued arguments. Gottman goes on to give readers many practical tools and tips, including how to measure your current trust level, how to analyze your contribution to an argument, how to rebuild trust, and much more.

Quite simply, if you or someone you know is working to repair their marriage after an affair or trust injury, there's no better book on the market. I couldn't recommend it more highly.

Kathy Nickerson, PhD
DrKathyNickerson.com
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37 of 40 people found the following review helpful By Leo Ostapiv on October 13, 2013
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
While writing mine HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget I've read several relationship books, this one is in TOP 3. Here is my review:

Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?

"What Makes Love Last" is very different from any other relationship book I've read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.

POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, "is this a real thing" quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)

SOME VALUABLE NOTES
- The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)

- Negative comparisons lead to betrayal

- Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner

- Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other

- Not to give advice unless asked.
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21 of 24 people found the following review helpful By Adele Roof on February 11, 2013
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
Gottman has some very good ideas, but if you have read other books by him, there wasn't much new here that he hasn't said in previous books.
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26 of 32 people found the following review helpful By Amazon Customer on October 6, 2012
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
This book is well researched and is the best book I've read on making a relationship last. It contains specific actions you can take and list areas of caution, not a bunch of psychological, theoretical jumbo-jumbo. I plan to buy a copy for each of my kids as they start looking for life partners; it is that great.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful By David Webster on October 9, 2014
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Amazon-- In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love….Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.

Goodreads: IN THIS WISE, ACCESSIBLE, AND LONG-AWAITED BOOK, ….
Gottman has spent decades observing the conversational patterns and biorhythms of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous Love Lab. Now he applies this research to fundamental questions about trust and betrayal. Doubts are common in relationships. Partners often worry. Can I trust my partner? Am I being betrayed? How do I know for sure?
With a gift for translating complex scientific ideas into insightful and practical advice, Gottman explains how a couple can protect or recover their greatest gift, their love for one another.
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This book is light and fairly easy to read. That is deceptive. It is a life-saver and one that I dearly wish was in my life when I was stumbling around. Read it if you want to learn about keeping trust in relationships. Oh wonder! Our biology wants closeness with others, yet we often undermine our most important love relationships.

My five takehomes may be helpful to you in your needs-of-today.

1) We are limbic beings, mammals, we need attachment. Connection is not optional for living a good life. We are more efficient when we trust and live longer with it.
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