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40 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Gottman does it again - exceptional research, practical advice!
As a relationship expert myself, I am constantly reading books about healing from affairs, repairing marriage, and regaining trust in a damaged relationship. Dr. Gottman is truly a psychologist's psychologist; he has been researching couples and relationships for almost 40 years and every single one of his books contains practical advice. This book is no different and...
Published on October 15, 2012 by Dr. Kathy Nickerson

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19 of 21 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Okay.....
Gottman has some very good ideas, but if you have read other books by him, there wasn't much new here that he hasn't said in previous books.
Published 23 months ago by Adele Roof


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40 of 42 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Gottman does it again - exceptional research, practical advice!, October 15, 2012
As a relationship expert myself, I am constantly reading books about healing from affairs, repairing marriage, and regaining trust in a damaged relationship. Dr. Gottman is truly a psychologist's psychologist; he has been researching couples and relationships for almost 40 years and every single one of his books contains practical advice. This book is no different and what really makes it stand out from all of the other relationship books on the market is that it is based on research, not hunches or guesses.

In this book, Gottman discusses the impact of betrayal on a relationship and how repeated betrayal erodes the foundation of a marriage. He describes how partners who have lost trust in each other frequently end up in very negative cycles of continued arguments. Gottman goes on to give readers many practical tools and tips, including how to measure your current trust level, how to analyze your contribution to an argument, how to rebuild trust, and much more.

Quite simply, if you or someone you know is working to repair their marriage after an affair or trust injury, there's no better book on the market. I couldn't recommend it more highly.

Kathy Nickerson, PhD
DrKathyNickerson.com
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34 of 37 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Most meaningful research based Relationship Advice I've ever read, October 13, 2013
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While writing mine HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget I've read several relationship books, this one is in TOP 3. Here is my review:

Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?

"What Makes Love Last" is very different from any other relationship book I've read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.

POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, "is this a real thing" quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)

SOME VALUABLE NOTES
- The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)

- Negative comparisons lead to betrayal

- Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner

- Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other

- Not to give advice unless asked. Just being there and listening is an enormous contribution

- Turn to each other during sliding door moments. Do not move onto negotiating a compromise until you can say to each other Yes you got it. That is exactly my position and what I am feeling.

- Stick to "I feel" "I need" statements instead of "You don't...", "You should"

- When partners are upset, their negative emitions line up like dominos. What else are you feeling ? Is there more you want to say?

- Listener: pause and breathe, write down what your partners says and any defensiveness you are feeling, remember your love and respect (in this relationship we do not ignore one another plans, I have to understand this hurt)

- The sexually active partners had a closer friendship and were commited to making sex a priority.

- Most women want sex sex when they already feel emotionally close, but for men sex is a way of becoming emotionally close.

-Five dimensions of interview to predict risk of divorce:
* Positive vs negative past memories
* I vs WE statements
* Still remember love map detais of memorable moments and partner's inner world
* Telling how they struggle and overcome difficulties instead of chaos description
* Feeling of satisfaction with the relationship vs disappoitment

- When a man realizes how critical it is that he make his wife feel secure, their relationship reaps enormous benefits.

- Description of trust game (Individual who risk trusting others benefit more than those who are suspicious)

- Enduring love comes when we love most of what we learn about the other person and can tolerate the faults they cannot change

CRITICS

- Beside sex chapter the book has too brief advice on "How to improve it" after the measurement was take.
- It's age resistant relationship advice, but still it would be good to mention some modern family challenges (Dual income household, impact of Facebook and mobile...)
- Money and household economics is often an issue, the book has no mentions of money problems and dealing with them

CONCLUSION
The book provides unique relationship assessment tools and illuminates what it takes to create a relationship that is mutually satisfying and adds profound meaning to your life.

Leo Ostapiv
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19 of 21 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Okay....., February 11, 2013
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Adele Roof (Harrisonburg, Virginia) - See all my reviews
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Gottman has some very good ideas, but if you have read other books by him, there wasn't much new here that he hasn't said in previous books.
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24 of 30 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Best relationship book out there!, October 6, 2012
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This book is well researched and is the best book I've read on making a relationship last. It contains specific actions you can take and list areas of caution, not a bunch of psychological, theoretical jumbo-jumbo. I plan to buy a copy for each of my kids as they start looking for life partners; it is that great.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read..., May 11, 2014
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This review is from: What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (Paperback)
I first became aware of relationship expert John Gottman’s work a few years ago when introduced to The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which I found really insightful. One aspect I really like about Gottman’s approach to relationships is that he breaks relationships down to a science. It’s as though Gottman has discovered the mathematical equation for marriage, and the variables which make up good and bad marriages. In his latest work, What Makes Love Last?, Gottman continues to enlighten readers on the fundamental concept and importance of trust - the common denominator of all good marriages. Read it, and I believe you will appreciate his insight.
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14 of 19 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Another Gottman Gem, October 23, 2012
I've been a fan of the Gottmans since attending their Art and Science of Love Workshop. I love Dr. Gottman's balance of science, clinical experience, common sense, humor, and sincerity. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to improve their relationship or start out on the right foot with one.
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6 of 8 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars More than just psychology, March 14, 2013
Much well deserved praise is given to John Gottman, but let's not forget the writer and journalist who brings life to his academic droning. Nan Silver does a great job, again (see her work with Gottman on "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.") in drawing out the story from the data. Her easy to read style, never patronizing of our intelligence, makes a huge difference in the accessibility of Gottman's mostly academic approach.

Here's hoping they continue to collaborate in the future! Meanwhile, google Nan Silver on line where she is doling out great advice and finding lots of interesting parenting literature and research to comment on.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Learning Trust in Relationships, without pain., October 9, 2014
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This review is from: What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (Paperback)
Amazon-- In this insightful book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love….Where does love come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade? And how can we keep it alive? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate a fraying relationship and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken.

Goodreads: IN THIS WISE, ACCESSIBLE, AND LONG-AWAITED BOOK, ….
Gottman has spent decades observing the conversational patterns and biorhythms of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous Love Lab. Now he applies this research to fundamental questions about trust and betrayal. Doubts are common in relationships. Partners often worry. Can I trust my partner? Am I being betrayed? How do I know for sure?
With a gift for translating complex scientific ideas into insightful and practical advice, Gottman explains how a couple can protect or recover their greatest gift, their love for one another.
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This book is light and fairly easy to read. That is deceptive. It is a life-saver and one that I dearly wish was in my life when I was stumbling around. Read it if you want to learn about keeping trust in relationships. Oh wonder! Our biology wants closeness with others, yet we often undermine our most important love relationships.

My five takehomes may be helpful to you in your needs-of-today.

1) We are limbic beings, mammals, we need attachment. Connection is not optional for living a good life. We are more efficient when we trust and live longer with it. Mistrust with those close to us is extremely draining psychically/physically.

2) This book has many fixits to restore trust, including detailed and useful surveys for couples to use. One whole chapter says “good relationships needs good sex.” And many lessons on “Learning Trust.”

3) Gottman has a lot of lovely phrases that can help us to keep good habits of loving: Blame+ is the “Roach motel for lovers;” relational experiences go in the nice box, the neutral box, or the nasty box; do you walk through your partners proffered “Sliding door moment?” The “Ziegarnack effect” is that memories of unfinished business do not fade with time. You might notice the downward spiral of a relationship when you either start to have “Negative sentiment override;” and/or “negative comps”—comparing current partner with imagined other partners.

4) Couples spending a lot of time in the Neutral Box [neither nasty nor nice] of emotionally un-flooded communication is very healing; especially if you can be emotionally neutral while noticing disagreements. Another way of saying—being non-reactive to a relationship’s emotional weather is darn important. Humor rocks!

5) This book describes the ten kinds of betrayal of trust in relationships; sexual cheating is but one.

Thank you, John and Nan for telling us as so much, so painlessly! And Kim for tightening this piece, nicely.
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5 of 7 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars An Odd Book That Doesn't Live Up to the Promise of Its Cover Nor Its Author, November 15, 2014
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This review is from: What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal (Paperback)
An OK book, but a real disappointment as the capstone of a 40year career of a relationship researcher. Buy 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work instead if you haven't read it already.

This book is odd in that the author (and named assistant author) can't seem to get out of research mode and talk in English to the points this mass market book should answer for its intended audience. Instead, we get far too many pages on the methodology of his research instead of the wisdom of his conclusions drawn from 40 years of such research.

We get a slightly more nuanced view of what builds trust and communication & avoids destroying the same than was in his 7 Principles book of 20 years ago. But not by much. Just the idea of "attunement," really. And many additional details. With some patience -- this book is a far less enjoyable read than 7 Principles -- one can learn some very valuable points about sustaining a relationship, especially a long term romantic one. But it is work. Work that the authors should have done, in my opinion, rather than the reader.

Gottman elects to assert his value regarding porn, and does so in such a way that would endear him to Ann Landers. In short, he equates what he describes as the common male use of port as functionally equivalent to the betrayal of an affair. Chapter 4 is only 6 pages long, offering no evidence of research. Instead, we are led to take him at his word cause he's said so.

Worst of all, Gottman descends into a bit of mental masturbation in his Appendix 3: Why Some Couples Stop Having Sex: A Game Theory Analysis. By mental masturbation, I mean that someone is using one of their pet topics to stroke their own egos (without regard to what it provides to us). In this appendix, Gottman goes on at great length using the mathematics and logic of game theory to "explain" why a strategy of allowing a partner to say "no" to "do you want to have sex?" without repercussion will maximize the likelihood of future sex. Trouble is, the message I summarized in that last sentence is buried in entirely meaningless & useless mathematical assertions NOT borne out by any evidence of research. Assertions that go on 15pgs. Gottman dwells on the math rather than the meaning.

And that is largely my complaint about the whole book. Making whatever wisdom the man has less than easily accessible to his readers. The man has had a unique, 40yr experience researching romantic relationships. But drawing the real wisdom out of the guy, and leaving his crotchety values behind, is an uncompleted task.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars GOttman, March 12, 2014
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Love Gottman, this is a must-have for all marrieds, divorced, or partners of any kind! Also a MUST for any MFT!
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What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by Nan Silver (Paperback - September 10, 2013)
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