What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing [Paperback]

Naomi Stadlen (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 6, 2007

Instead of preaching what mothers ought to do, psychotherapist Naomi Stadlen explains what mothers already do in the course of any exhausting day's work. Drawing from countless conversations with hundreds of mothers spanning more than a decade, What Mothers Do provides lucid insight into the true experience of motherhood and answers the perennial question common to mothers everywhere: What have I done all day?

Stadlen's wise reflections, threaded throughout with the voices of real mothers, explore unsentimental reactions to motherhood-resentment, guilt, splintered identity, crippling inefficiency, and deadening fatigue. Yet the overriding sentiment is one of empowerment and wonder, as Stadlen illustrates how seemingly insignificant skills such as responding to a baby's colicky cry, being instantly interruptible, or soothing an overstimulated child to sleep profoundly contribute to an individual's socialization, self-worth, and curiosity. Remarkably perceptive and heartening, What Mothers Do will resonate with mothers everywhere in search of understanding and wisdom.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Stadlen presents a heartfelt and incisive examination of mothers' inner lives, revealing the vital worth of quiet (and not so quiet) time devoted to a baby. A psychotherapist specializing in parenting issues, founder of the London-based weekly discussion group Mothers Talking, and a La Leche League breastfeeding counselor, the author quotes a range of mothers throughout, exploring their feelings about their roles as nurturers and caregivers. She notes that though these women may often feel lonely, invisible and unimportant, "the whole of civilization depends on the work of mothers." Still, she writes, many women (and men) are unprepared for their responsibilities as parents; although they put much effort into readying for birth, many are anxious and confused as well as shocked and exhausted when it comes to actually raising a child. Stadlen gives credit to the women who slow their days to match their baby's pace, become continuously "interruptible" and offer constant and unconditional love. Though the narrative meanders at times, mothers will relate to the voices of the women, and take comfort in Stadlen's kudos.
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Review

'The best parenting book you've never heard of.' - Anne Karpf, The 'Guardian' 'Naomi Stadlen writes with understanding, deep insight and humour. This is truly woman-to woman.' - Sheila Kitzinger, childbirth educator, mother 'I wish I'd had this book years ago - to show to bosses who didn't understand, to friends who couldn't grasp why I was permanently tired, and even to myself - to know that I wasn't the only one who wished for an extra eight hours in the day.' - Anne Diamond, television presenter, mother --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

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Product Details

• Reading level: Ages 18 and up
  
• Paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Tarcher (September 6, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1585425915
• ISBN-13: 978-1585425914
• Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.8 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (12 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #146,719 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

It took nine years to write What Mothers Do - especially when it looks like nothing.

I enjoyed being a mother. However, at a party, someone asked me what I did. I replied: 'Nothing.' This made me question why I had written off my entire mothering as 'nothing', and the book emerged from that moment. It wasn't easy to write. I kept starting, only to find that I had restated what had been written already. Gradually, I realised that there wasn't a vocabulary for what I wanted to say. This helped.

I run discussion groups for mothers in which my implicit rule is that one mother should not tell another mother what to do. I decided that, in What Mothers Do, I myself wouldn't tell mothers what to do either. I would simply describe what I thought mothers really were doing. This is very unusual. I don't think there are any other books for mothers and about mothering which refrain from giving advice.

Many publishers rejected the manuscript of What Mothers Do. Several objected to the lack of advice. Others said I had straddled two markets, the psychology one and the one for mothers. I protested that mothers were intelligent readers and could cope with a book that contained psychological discussion. But I was told to choose and rewrite for one market only.

I was on holiday with my husband in Switzerland, and told him that I didn't see how I could be published because I didn't want to rewrite. I had written what I wanted to say. He replied: 'I wish I could help you. I don't see what you could rewrite either.' That was comforting. Next day, we telephoned one of our children who was house-sitting for us. He said: 'Oh, by the way, a publisher asked for more information about your book.'

That was a really wonderful moment.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

56 of 60 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Wisdom and Reassurance for New Mothers, October 5, 2004

By 

M. W. Carrington (Washington, DC, USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing (Paperback)

Twenty five years ago, as I tried to adapt to the reality of being a new mother, I asked more experienced mothers, "why are there no parenting books that speak to the subjective experience of the mother?" My own experience was one of feeling sandwiched between the seemingly insatiable demands of my first-born, on the one hand, and, on the other, the often rigidly prescriptive advice of published experts on "what's best for baby."

How different it all would have been had I been able to consult Naomi Stadlen's careful observations and wise reflections during those confusing, stressful days of early motherhood! I imagine that her emphasis on the infinite varieties of "good enough" mothering would have felt both absolving and empowering -- absolving in the sense that her book lends legitimacy to all manner of unsentimental responses to new motherhood (undercurrents of resentment and guilt, dislocations of identity, frustration, powerlessness, perplexity, humiliating inefficiency and obliterative fatigue) alongside the hours of joy and delight -- and empowering in the sense that even inconsequential-seeming new behaviors,

learned for the sake of one's child, are revealed to be of immense significance.

One example of this is the capacity to be interruptible, "on call," able to drop everything to tend to the baby's needs, and then somehow minutes or hours or days later, pick up all the threads one has dropped. This capacity, the author reminds us, is absolutely central to the health of the child's unfolding identity - and, in turn, to the well-being of the whole human family.

Naomi Stadlen not only gives voice to maternal subjectivity, she speaks on behalf of infants everywhere in emphasizing that "in general" instructions are of only tangential value compared to what one's own unique child asks for and needs and deserves.

In carefully recording the actual comments of new mothers about everyday challenges, Ms. Stadlen aims to convey what is, rather than what should be done or felt. She emphasizes that "each relationship is an original creation... no one has the recipe for perfection...[the] single blueprint for being a good mother."

What Mothers Do is psychogically astute and nuanced, but blessedly free of psycho-babble and professional jargon. Stadlen writes with clarity, grace and precision. At the same time, because of her extensive training and experience, the material is anchored in sound clinical theory and research. Those motivated to do so may use the excellent bibliography to go further with such topics as "the power of comfort," attachment theory, and the origins of "motherly love".

Deep thanks to Naomi Stadlen for her gift to all of us, mothers and babies both.

7 of 7 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome, validating resource for new mothers, February 17, 2007

By 

Heather Wenger (Denver, CO USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing (Paperback)

What a wonderful addition to the resources you can find as a new mother. Instead of being a "how to" book, though, ("how to breastfeed", "how to get your baby to sleep", "how to (you fill in the blank)"; it is a validation of your instinct as a new mother. This author strives to offer language to detail what it IS we do, especially when, as the title offers, we have no "visible" work to show (it looks like nothing). I will be buying this for every new mom I know, as it is invaluable.

13 of 16 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Mostly wonderful, February 27, 2007

By 

Avid reader and mom (Guatemala) - See all my reviews

This review is from: What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing (Paperback)

Overall I totally LOVED this book. It spoke to me as a new mom on so many levels. I kept saying "YES, YES, that's exactly how I feel!" throughout the book. It can really help parents give voice to their experience, the joys and the challenges. I love how Naomi Stadlen values the tasks and behaviors that parents do on a regular basis but that do not receive much recognition in society. I particularly enjoyed the chapters on comfort and love, as well as the discussion around the initial shock of having a newborn.

My gripe is that although she presents her book as descriptive, not proscriptive, she actually does present certain parenting styles as superior to others. While I happen to agree with her on most of those issues (around the importance of comforting babies, for instance), she should have come out and said that she advocates certain ways of parenting rather than attempting to hide her own opinions and pretending that she is simply "describing" certain styles. It is pretty clear, for instance, that she believes that moms should care for their babies personally rather than work outside the home - and that is one opinion that I don't agree with in all cases.

Also, she focuses on moms rather than on other caregivers. While she does include a disclaimer at the beginning noting that fathers, grandparents, etc are also involved in parenting, the general sense is that moms are the main ones involved in caring for babies. While that may be true in many households, it doesn't need to be further promoted as the ideal way by focusing on it almost exclusively. The book would be much richer with more voices of these other caregivers.

With that said, in general I totally loved this book and will be getting it as a gift for friends...but probably not for those friends who plan on being moms who work outside the home!