Customer Reviews

What Mothers Do Especially When It Looks Like Nothing

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

Twenty five years ago, as I tried to adapt to the reality of being a new mother, I asked more experienced mothers, "why are there no parenting books that speak to the subjective experience of the mother?" My own experience was one of feeling sandwiched between the seemingly insatiable demands of my first-born, on the one hand, and, on the other, the often rigidly prescriptive advice of published experts on "what's best for baby."

How different it all would have been had I been able to consult Naomi Stadlen's careful observations and wise reflections during those confusing, stressful days of early motherhood! I imagine that her emphasis on the infinite varieties of "good enough" mothering would have felt both absolving and empowering -- absolving in the sense that her book lends legitimacy to all manner of unsentimental responses to new motherhood (undercurrents of resentment and guilt, dislocations of identity, frustration, powerlessness, perplexity, humiliating inefficiency and obliterative fatigue) alongside the hours of joy and delight -- and empowering in the sense that even inconsequential-seeming new behaviors,
learned for the sake of one's child, are revealed to be of immense significance.

One example of this is the capacity to be interruptible, "on call," able to drop everything to tend to the baby's needs, and then somehow minutes or hours or days later, pick up all the threads one has dropped. This capacity, the author reminds us, is absolutely central to the health of the child's unfolding identity - and, in turn, to the well-being of the whole human family.

Naomi Stadlen not only gives voice to maternal subjectivity, she speaks on behalf of infants everywhere in emphasizing that "in general" instructions are of only tangential value compared to what one's own unique child asks for and needs and deserves.

In carefully recording the actual comments of new mothers about everyday challenges, Ms. Stadlen aims to convey what is, rather than what should be done or felt. She emphasizes that "each relationship is an original creation... no one has the recipe for perfection...[the] single blueprint for being a good mother."

What Mothers Do is psychogically astute and nuanced, but blessedly free of psycho-babble and professional jargon. Stadlen writes with clarity, grace and precision. At the same time, because of her extensive training and experience, the material is anchored in sound clinical theory and research. Those motivated to do so may use the excellent bibliography to go further with such topics as "the power of comfort," attachment theory, and the origins of "motherly love".

Deep thanks to Naomi Stadlen for her gift to all of us, mothers and babies both.

What a wonderful addition to the resources you can find as a new mother. Instead of being a "how to" book, though, ("how to breastfeed", "how to get your baby to sleep", "how to (you fill in the blank)"; it is a validation of your instinct as a new mother. This author strives to offer language to detail what it IS we do, especially when, as the title offers, we have no "visible" work to show (it looks like nothing). I will be buying this for every new mom I know, as it is invaluable.

Overall I totally LOVED this book. It spoke to me as a new mom on so many levels. I kept saying "YES, YES, that's exactly how I feel!" throughout the book. It can really help parents give voice to their experience, the joys and the challenges. I love how Naomi Stadlen values the tasks and behaviors that parents do on a regular basis but that do not receive much recognition in society. I particularly enjoyed the chapters on comfort and love, as well as the discussion around the initial shock of having a newborn.

My gripe is that although she presents her book as descriptive, not proscriptive, she actually does present certain parenting styles as superior to others. While I happen to agree with her on most of those issues (around the importance of comforting babies, for instance), she should have come out and said that she advocates certain ways of parenting rather than attempting to hide her own opinions and pretending that she is simply "describing" certain styles. It is pretty clear, for instance, that she believes that moms should care for their babies personally rather than work outside the home - and that is one opinion that I don't agree with in all cases.

Also, she focuses on moms rather than on other caregivers. While she does include a disclaimer at the beginning noting that fathers, grandparents, etc are also involved in parenting, the general sense is that moms are the main ones involved in caring for babies. While that may be true in many households, it doesn't need to be further promoted as the ideal way by focusing on it almost exclusively. The book would be much richer with more voices of these other caregivers.

With that said, in general I totally loved this book and will be getting it as a gift for friends...but probably not for those friends who plan on being moms who work outside the home!

After the birth of my son, I did enjoy reading such a reaffirming book. However, my only complaint is that I think it could have been shorter and more to the point. As a new mom with little time, I really struggled to get through it because it was often very repetitive. I make a huge effort to read every night for 1 hr, and it still felt a bit tedious. I loaned it to a friend and she stopped halfway through for the same reasons. For someone with loads of time, I'd recommend it. For someone without, read something more productive and practical.

It's nice to have a book like this out. Just what I need when I look around at my messy house when my baby is nursing in lap.

This is a book that I give to my friends who are new mothers. It is an amazing resource. The quotes from new mothers as well as experienced wisdom of Naomi Stadlen makes it a book that is both informative and reassuring to read. I felt alone as a new mother until I read this book. After reading it I felt more connected to the community of mothers that surrounds me everyday.

This book was good for me. It seemed to help me cope with the emotions of being a first time mom. I thought it was wonderful.

After having our second daughter, I was much more confident as a mother, yet still plagued with some of the uncertainties of raising a future member of society. This book had intrigued me since our first daughter was only months old, and I decided if I still had the interest three years later, I should probably purchase and read the book!

This book is amazing! Not only have I read through the pages, realizing that my emotional upheaval into motherhood is a completely normal process, but I have recognized how necessary the upheaval really is! Every chapter brings not nuggets, but *boulders* of wisdom (and therefore, peace of mind). It has been fun to re-live those early days of motherhood with a new, positive perspective.

I absolutely recommend everyone (singles, DINKs, fathers, and all mothers...new or seasoned) read this book!! It helps give the appropriate value that motherhood truly deserves.

Consciously avoiding the mud-slinging of "working" vs. "stay-at-home" and "breast" vs. "bottle", the author affirms what dedicated mothers have in common: a willingness to be on-call, alert, and attentive to their babies' needs. This book is a backrub between two covers, and offers reassurance to mothers who fear that if motherhood feels hard they must be doing something wrong. Stadlen puts words to the dozens of small tasks that remain un-named, demonstrating why mothers feel tired at the end of the day even though they sometimes find it hard to explain exactly why. She elaborates upon what a mother does accomplish on the days that she feels she has gotten nothing done. For mothers who are discouraged by the daunting task of mothering well, and for tough and successful women who have never faced a challenge that was too much for them until their first baby was born, this book is a reassurance and a blessing. Highly recommended.

I read this while at home on maternity leave with my first child. This book spoke directly to me. So many days I had it trying to keep up with a house, pets, visitors & a husband to take care of and this book spoke directly to me. It helped me keep my balance and put everything in perspective.
This talks directly about those things there are not classes for -- like actually taking your new, innocent, little baby home and caring for him/her.