What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us : Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman [Hardcover]

Danielle Crittenden (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 18, 1999

Talk to women under forty today, and you will hear that something has gone terribly wrong with their lives. They have achieved goals previous generations of women could only dream of. Yet women feel more confused and more insecure than ever. Now one of the leading female commentators of her generation exposes the ideas that prevent modern women from finding happiness and points the way to a better future.

What has gone wrong? What can be done to set it right? These are the questions Danielle Crittenden answers in "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us." Crittenden is the founder and editor of "The Women's Quarterly" magazine. In only four years, Crittenden's "Quarterly" has made itself the center of a new national debate about women. Her views and writings have been cited, reprinted, argued, lauded, and criticized across the country. Mary Matalin describes the "Quarterly" as "one of my most favorite magazines on the planet." George Will calls it "a bright light," and even Betty Friedan, with whom Crittenden has sparred, concedes that her views are on "the cutting edge."

In "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us," Crittenden looks at the big topics in women's lives: sex, marriage, motherhood, work, aging, and politics. She argues that a generation of women has been misled: taught to blame men and pursue independence at all costs. Happiness is obtainable, Crittenden says, but only if women will free their minds from outdated feminist slogans and habits of behavior:

"There are a great many women unhappy because they acted upon the wisdom passed along to them by the people they most trusted. These women thought they did everything right only to have it turn out all wrong. That thewisdom they received was faulty, that it was based on false assumptions, is a hard lesson for anyone to learn. But it is a lesson every woman growing up today will have to learn as I, and thousands upon thousands of women of my generation, had to learn, often painfully."

By drawing on her own experience and the decade she has spent researching and analyzing modern female life, Crittenden passionately and engagingly tackles the myths that keep women from realizing the happiness they deserve. And she introduces a new way of thinking about women's problems that may, finally, help women achieve the lives they desire. "What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us" is sure to ignite debate not only across the country but, more compellingly, within the reader herself.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Young women are the unhappy victims of their mothers' generation's feminism, says Danielle Crittenden in What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us. Though they usually don't realize it, feminism has "seeped into their minds like intravenous saline into the arm of an unconscious patient." Crittenden says that feminism doesn't provide answers for the questions that distress young women, such as, "Is work really more important and fulfilling than raising my children?" and "Why does my boyfriend not want to get married as much as I do?" The modern dilemma, she says, is that the success of feminism has cut women off from those aspects of life that are distinctly female desires, such as being a wife and raising children. Crittenden wants us to take a step back from sexual freedom (which she says ends up harming the woman, who gets used and dumped), career (only a tiny minority have stimulating, gratifying jobs), and zealous personal autonomy (often an indication of being too fearful and weak to take on responsibilities), in favor of commitment, marriage, and child rearing. She argues that feminist fervor has failed modern women, and gives her suggestions for how women can recapture meaning, fulfillment, and happiness. --Joan Price

From Library Journal

The founder of the Women's Quarterly, which in four years has attracted lots of attention, pro and con, argues that today's young women are unhappy because they have been taught to put independence first and blame men for everything.
Copyright 1998 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 208 pages
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster; 1St Edition edition (January 18, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0684832194
• ISBN-13: 978-0684832197
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.1 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (123 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,489,282 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Discover books, learn about writers, read author blogs, and more.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

67 of 74 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars For some women, this book is very valuable, September 25, 2006

By 

A reader (Midwest) - See all my reviews

This review is from: WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN'T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman (Paperback)

I understand there are people who do not like this book. However, there are also many women who would have benefitted from reading something like this a long time ago. I personally know many women who are single in their 30s and it is primarily due to the fact that they were taught at a young age that all they need is themselves and any dependency on men is weak and/or pathetic. I hear "He wants to get married, but marriage is such a bad deal for women". These women pretty much all want children and the guys they date are great. So, what's the problem? Many of us grew up with pressure to NOT become a wife/mother. Many of us had mothers who joked (negatively) about "housewives." I should also add for this review that my experience is mostly with middle-upper-middle class, college educated, liberal people.

This author suggests that women think earlier about marriage/having children and some think her advice is "unrealistic." It's not. I did it, am 31, and totally done with the baby thing. My oldest is already in elem. school. For most college degrees, you can complete college by age 22. That is plenty early to have a family young and have a degree waiting for when you want/need to use it. You do need to live a relatively simple life tho. You aren't going to be able to afford the top of the line car, house and vacations if you follow her advice. There are trade offs, but it is certainly not "unrealistic" advice.

As a 30 something, I also see men of my generation with very different expectations than our father's had. Our fathers grew up expecting that they would have to support familes. In my generation, men grew up expecting women would work. So, when women now have babies and decide they really want to be home after all, the men are blindsided. Some refuse to support their families. The women are surprised they want to stay home too! And maybe the women really can't because they are used to a lifestyle they can't afford on one income. I think we shock ourselves because what we always thought we wanted sometimes changes after we become parents. Sometimes those more traditional roles start looking more appealing. But, for some reason we feel we are doing something "bad" by following traditional gender roles.

The bottom line is that we need to educate our daughters realistically about the choices we have to make when we are young. What type of people we want to marry/date. People have to think about what they really want out of life and look for a partner who shares those values. However, some women in the last 30 years have been told to push out feelings of family/marriage as it is "pathetic" or "old fashioned." Men have also learned this and think that this is how women think. If they hold "old fashioned" ideas of marriage/family, they are great fodder for mockery by their female peers. They walk on eggshells making sure they don't do anything "offensive" to a woman's independence. Ask questions before you get married about family/children/expectations. Trust your gut. If you really want to be a wife/mother more than anything else..be sure you look for a guy who supports that and has similar values. They are getting harder to find. Not impossible, but make sure you discuss it before getting too attached. You may find the guy you are dating has no plans for you to be home more than 6 weeks after any future babies are born.

49 of 55 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Right on the Money...Whether We'll Admit or Not!, May 28, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us : Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman (Hardcover)

There's a very obvious reason this book and its author find themselves at the center of controversy: the logic of this book rings all too true. As I read it, I was at first offended, then sad, then convinced that someone had bugged my home, office and brain. Crittenden is, by any standard, an astute observer of today's woman. She illustrates the unspoken sentiments of millions of women. As a single 35-year-old woman, I would love nothing more than to deny the truth of her rather grim assessments, but in my heart, I know she's right on the money in her evaluation of virtually every single woman I know. What's more disturbing to me is that I can't say these feelings I have are the product of any pressure to be married from the outside. They are the product of a natural longing the majority of women throughout the ages have had. I have been oppressed by no one into thinking I'm lesser for being single, but I have to admit I do feel somewhat unfulfilled and incomplete. There's more to life than just earning a paycheck or having the luxury of painting your toenails at three in the morning (I always laugh when I read articles on the so-called advantages of singlehood- as if things like ordering takeout or rearranging furniture on a whim can take the place of a the satisfaction of marriage and motherhood!) While I don't believe marriage is a cure-all and singleness is a curse, I do believe that this generation has perhaps too quickly dismissed the natural patterns and longings of womanhood to our everlasting regret. Why would a job-any job- give anywhere near the same level of delight as having and raising a child? A job can be gone in an instant, but I've never heard of a mother being downsized. Unappreciated, at times, yes- but God knows we've all felt that on the job, too! And why should marriage spell the end of our identities and creativities? An awful lot of men out there can be quite wonderful and supportive. In my experience, most men have been far more forgiving of me and generous with me than I've been of myself (or other women, for that matter). To avoid half the population because of a few undesirables is about as ridiculous as avoiding breathing because of the possibility of air pollution. To those who have no interest in men, marriage and motherhood-fine, by all means, skip them. But let those of us who want those things be free to choose them without feeling like we're weak-willed wimps because of it. It's ironic that the generation of women hell-bent on "having it all" may in the end have less satisfaction than any generation prior.Crittenden has given women a lot to consider- and reconsider. I thank her for articulating so well the secret longings of single women's souls.

39 of 44 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars Always good to hear an alternate view BUT, October 21, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us : Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman (Hardcover)

The author brings up a lot of questions that need bringing up, and I can appreciate that. Some aspects of her argument I heartily agree with: a lot of young women get very hurt these days by becoming too sexually available at a young age. However, the answer is in real self-respect and understanding of our real desires(intimacy, not empty sex), not a power calculation of making women less available so men are forced to marry. I also think the fact that fewer women (and men) are having children is a GOOD thing. Not everyone wants or is equipped to be a parent and a culture that allows non-interest in children as a viable option is better for our society and the environment ultimately. My biggest gripe though is that the author seems to have no knowledge of basic household economics. The time to work IS when you are in your 20s: two incomes and a frugal lifestyle coupled with a good investment plan and downpayment on a house can secure you (and your future children) in a way that one income and having babies in your early 20s cannot. My own prescription: marry early, have kids later. I was married at 22, had my daughter at 32. By the time the baby came we had a long-term stable marriage that was unlikely to collapse under the stress of having children, savings, and a house. I was in a position to negotiate a 20-hour a week jobshare following a six-month maternity leave. (The author also fails to address changes in longevity -- one's life is no longer half over at 35, more like a third, and we have to think about supporting ourselves much longer.) She also neglects the idea that many, many people are now switching careers in midlife -- I've known several women who had children in their thirties, stayed home for a while, went back to school, started a completely different career.