Customer Reviews

What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us : Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman

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3 star:		(11)
2 star:		(7)
1 star:		(36)

 

 

I understand there are people who do not like this book. However, there are also many women who would have benefitted from reading something like this a long time ago. I personally know many women who are single in their 30s and it is primarily due to the fact that they were taught at a young age that all they need is themselves and any dependency on men is weak and/or pathetic. I hear "He wants to get married, but marriage is such a bad deal for women". These women pretty much all want children and the guys they date are great. So, what's the problem? Many of us grew up with pressure to NOT become a wife/mother. Many of us had mothers who joked (negatively) about "housewives." I should also add for this review that my experience is mostly with middle-upper-middle class, college educated, liberal people.

This author suggests that women think earlier about marriage/having children and some think her advice is "unrealistic." It's not. I did it, am 31, and totally done with the baby thing. My oldest is already in elem. school. For most college degrees, you can complete college by age 22. That is plenty early to have a family young and have a degree waiting for when you want/need to use it. You do need to live a relatively simple life tho. You aren't going to be able to afford the top of the line car, house and vacations if you follow her advice. There are trade offs, but it is certainly not "unrealistic" advice.

As a 30 something, I also see men of my generation with very different expectations than our father's had. Our fathers grew up expecting that they would have to support familes. In my generation, men grew up expecting women would work. So, when women now have babies and decide they really want to be home after all, the men are blindsided. Some refuse to support their families. The women are surprised they want to stay home too! And maybe the women really can't because they are used to a lifestyle they can't afford on one income. I think we shock ourselves because what we always thought we wanted sometimes changes after we become parents. Sometimes those more traditional roles start looking more appealing. But, for some reason we feel we are doing something "bad" by following traditional gender roles.

The bottom line is that we need to educate our daughters realistically about the choices we have to make when we are young. What type of people we want to marry/date. People have to think about what they really want out of life and look for a partner who shares those values. However, some women in the last 30 years have been told to push out feelings of family/marriage as it is "pathetic" or "old fashioned." Men have also learned this and think that this is how women think. If they hold "old fashioned" ideas of marriage/family, they are great fodder for mockery by their female peers. They walk on eggshells making sure they don't do anything "offensive" to a woman's independence. Ask questions before you get married about family/children/expectations. Trust your gut. If you really want to be a wife/mother more than anything else..be sure you look for a guy who supports that and has similar values. They are getting harder to find. Not impossible, but make sure you discuss it before getting too attached. You may find the guy you are dating has no plans for you to be home more than 6 weeks after any future babies are born.

There's a very obvious reason this book and its author find themselves at the center of controversy: the logic of this book rings all too true. As I read it, I was at first offended, then sad, then convinced that someone had bugged my home, office and brain. Crittenden is, by any standard, an astute observer of today's woman. She illustrates the unspoken sentiments of millions of women. As a single 35-year-old woman, I would love nothing more than to deny the truth of her rather grim assessments, but in my heart, I know she's right on the money in her evaluation of virtually every single woman I know. What's more disturbing to me is that I can't say these feelings I have are the product of any pressure to be married from the outside. They are the product of a natural longing the majority of women throughout the ages have had. I have been oppressed by no one into thinking I'm lesser for being single, but I have to admit I do feel somewhat unfulfilled and incomplete. There's more to life than just earning a paycheck or having the luxury of painting your toenails at three in the morning (I always laugh when I read articles on the so-called advantages of singlehood- as if things like ordering takeout or rearranging furniture on a whim can take the place of a the satisfaction of marriage and motherhood!) While I don't believe marriage is a cure-all and singleness is a curse, I do believe that this generation has perhaps too quickly dismissed the natural patterns and longings of womanhood to our everlasting regret. Why would a job-any job- give anywhere near the same level of delight as having and raising a child? A job can be gone in an instant, but I've never heard of a mother being downsized. Unappreciated, at times, yes- but God knows we've all felt that on the job, too! And why should marriage spell the end of our identities and creativities? An awful lot of men out there can be quite wonderful and supportive. In my experience, most men have been far more forgiving of me and generous with me than I've been of myself (or other women, for that matter). To avoid half the population because of a few undesirables is about as ridiculous as avoiding breathing because of the possibility of air pollution. To those who have no interest in men, marriage and motherhood-fine, by all means, skip them. But let those of us who want those things be free to choose them without feeling like we're weak-willed wimps because of it. It's ironic that the generation of women hell-bent on "having it all" may in the end have less satisfaction than any generation prior.Crittenden has given women a lot to consider- and reconsider. I thank her for articulating so well the secret longings of single women's souls.

The author brings up a lot of questions that need bringing up, and I can appreciate that. Some aspects of her argument I heartily agree with: a lot of young women get very hurt these days by becoming too sexually available at a young age. However, the answer is in real self-respect and understanding of our real desires(intimacy, not empty sex), not a power calculation of making women less available so men are forced to marry. I also think the fact that fewer women (and men) are having children is a GOOD thing. Not everyone wants or is equipped to be a parent and a culture that allows non-interest in children as a viable option is better for our society and the environment ultimately. My biggest gripe though is that the author seems to have no knowledge of basic household economics. The time to work IS when you are in your 20s: two incomes and a frugal lifestyle coupled with a good investment plan and downpayment on a house can secure you (and your future children) in a way that one income and having babies in your early 20s cannot. My own prescription: marry early, have kids later. I was married at 22, had my daughter at 32. By the time the baby came we had a long-term stable marriage that was unlikely to collapse under the stress of having children, savings, and a house. I was in a position to negotiate a 20-hour a week jobshare following a six-month maternity leave. (The author also fails to address changes in longevity -- one's life is no longer half over at 35, more like a third, and we have to think about supporting ourselves much longer.) She also neglects the idea that many, many people are now switching careers in midlife -- I've known several women who had children in their thirties, stayed home for a while, went back to school, started a completely different career.

"What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us" absolutely stuns me. Aside from the author's obvious felicity with words, and the depth and breadth of her knowledge, I found myself pretty much shocked as I went from chapter to chapter. Simply put, Ms. Crittenden has done an excellent job of research and of drawing ideas to their logical conclusions. Based upon hundreds of interviews, and what were probably endless hours at the Library of Congress reading tome after tome about the conditions of women, Ms. Crittenden has written a policy book that I believe every couple should read--both the man and the woman. Single people in their twenties and thirties should read it--it will starkly clarify for you much of how the world works. But reader beware: cheesy as this may sound, the honesty of the book is not for those whose minds are caulked by ideology. You will find yourself challenged. But ultimately, Ms. Crittenden writes with what seems to be unanswerable logic, and also with great heart. I truly hope that this book sets off the national debate that it should.

As a woman in my late 20's, I grew up convinced by our culture that the desire to be a wife and mother, and to stay home with children was less meaningful than, inferior to, having a career. I have secretly felt like an aberration for desiring those things above the pursuit of a career, even as I completed a graduate degree and joined the work force. Similarly, many of my female friends have gotten PhD's, gone through arduous years in medical school, put in long hours at law firms, traveled like maniacs for consulting firms- all to hit their 30th birthdays with an overwhelmingly difficult dilemna and sense of disappointment: "Now I have made strives in my career and I just want to get married and have children. How in the heck do I make this all happen?! Are my years of law school all for naught? Is it wrong to want children- am I "selling out"?" Worse, many of them wonder where all the eligible single men have suddenly disappeared to. In my opinion, it is the love of a partner, children and family that sustains and inspires us more than anything else. When I look back over my life as an older woman, I would like my memories to be filled with the joy of loved ones who needed and cherished me. This is not an unworthy goal! Crittenden reaffirms this in her book and liberates women who have felt oppressed by those who would tell them that the only way to make a significant mark in this world is to throw on a suit/uniform and join the workforce. All of the striving that women have done is not in vain- it is wonderful that American women can choose to enter any field of work they could wish for themselves: that we can vote, own property, obtain a divorce, control our bodies to a much higher degree, travel freely by ourselves, sit on the Supreme Court, and remain unmarried without the public stigma of "spinster". But Crittenden identifies and articulates the deep longing women have to be mothers and wives, roles that have been repressed and diminished within the past 20+ years. Why should we be ashamed to feel something so natural? Why is being a mother no longer good enough? Perhaps that is where the feminist movement failed us- by trashing the entire system without perserving the fundamentally good and necessary aspects within it. Many of Crittenden's critics seem to be hung up on the fact that she married a wealthy man. That is irrelevent; I believe a lot more women could choose to stay home if they lowered their very high expectations for material "needs". Guess what? A family can live on one salary if they make sacrifices- a more modest home, one car, fewer vacations, fewer possessions in general. I realize that there are many, many families in which one income is simply not enough to make ends meet and that the woman is financially forced against her will to enter the workforce. (As a society we need to address this overwhelming problem) But when I hear a woman say, "We don't feel financially stable enough for me to stop working yet," and I know that her partner makes a significant income, I can't help thinking that our culture has a distorted sense of living standards. Crittenden's book is a painful reality; for those people who say "This is just an elitist writer telling other women to return to the 1950's and a lot of neoconverative bunk", I would like to respond that I have had conversations with many smart, with-it women who, like myself, are starting to realize that careers are great, but not enough. We want husbands and children, we want them to be our priority, and we want to live in a society which celebrates that priority with us!

After reading Wendy Shalit's book Return to Modesty, I picked up this one to get a broader view of what some women seem to think the definition of the "women's problem" really is.

Ms. Crittenden's book is extremely well researched and written, much more so than Shalit's. She explores in detail and in depth the various conflicts that women face in a world where opportunity ("I can do anything") has been translated to obligation ("I must do everything").

In the end, I found her book much milder than I anticipated. It's not a diatribe against feminism, nor a suggestion to go back to the dark ages. It simply points out that there are elements in the nature (both biological and psychological) of the average woman (and she is careful to define those who fall outside her definition of "average") that suggest that certain desires can best be met at certain times in a woman's life, e.g., children are best had young, and careers are best put off until after families have been raised. This seems only common sense to me, and certainly is not put forth as an attack on those who choose otherwise.

I'm surprised at the vitriol aimed at the author; I found this to be a pleasant, low-key discussion of the difficulties women face in the modern world -- if anything, I fault it for being too vague and laid-back in her conclusions and recommendations.

I read this book as an undergrad and was very impressed. I thought Crittenden's ideas made terrific sense and I literally applied them to my own life, having been in the fortunate position of knowing I would marry my university boyfriend. At 23 I gave birth to our son, and at 26 our daughter. (I am 5 years out of college and am now 27.) Young parenting had been very gratifying for us both and we do not miss the party scene one bit. Life has meaning and direction. Career wise, and hence money wise, however, life is more complicated. For example, my husband is currently pursuing his MBA and I needed to become the family provider this past year. Interviewing was a nightmare. People in HR were shocked to hear that I had focused the last 5 years on raising children, despite my also having worked in between the two pregnancies, and were similarly uncomfortable with placing someone with my age and level of education in a close-to-entry-level position. Also, in addition to money having been tight, socializing has also been far from a picnic. Couples even close to our age with children (especially in Manhattan) are zero to none. So, a caution for the wise: Crittenden's excellent suggestions for feminine self fulfillment work in an ideal world that was never subject to feminism's widespread influences. Indeed, that entire idea about having children first and then dedicating more time to an uninterrupted career as the children simultaneously crave more independence .... I'll have to get back to you in five more years and let you know...

October 26, 2008 - I'm back with a status update. I'm now working in an entry level position in marketing at a national luxury retailer. We've moved to the 'burbs, bought the requisite SUV, and I'm commuting into the city. So, one year in to my job, I finally mustered up the courage to ask my boss to move my schedule from 8 am to 5 pm. And ... now I endure the daily eye roll from my younger colleagues when I leave the office "early". WHAT was that complete FANTASY that Crittenden wrote about how starting your career later will mellifluously coincide with your children's needs at different stages in their development??? She obviously never needed to bring home a dime, since, contrary to her view of entry level as easy breezy, you're actually expected to work your tail off. My boss, on the other hand, is 10 years my senior and has two young children also. She no longer works Fridays, and works 9:30 to 5 on the other days, as does another working mother in my office at her level. By the time I get to the point of being able to ask for this type of flexibility, my teenage children won't need me nearly so much. So, again, pretty ideas Danielle, but far from practical in application.

October 1, 2010 - Its 2010 and (curiously enough, in response to the one comment on my review) we are now a one-income family. Was it a direct result of changing focus from career to family? I'd never say that career was my focus, in retrospect, and maybe that's why Crittenden hit home when she did, so early for me. 8 years out of university - and not some 2nd tier one, mind you, although no name dropping - and my resume is all over the place without having gone anywhere in particular. Did I mention that I was laid off with the credit crunch? (Every single other working mother on my floor at my level and below was also let go. A lawsuit waiting to happen, although no one had the nerves to pursue it.) I suppose I don't care too much now; I haven't passed one resume since. At present that worst part is my guilt for the way that my husband busts his rear for us while I pass the day between my own pilates and the kids' extra-curricular whatnots. Its 11:30 on a Friday night and he's not home from the client yet. This is typical. Other, older fathers are coming home early to coach the soccer team. Pipe dream for us. Yes, we chose the fancy town with the better school system. (Some small effort at compensating for the lost private school educations that he and I were both privilege to, I'm sure. Oh, I know, cry me a river...!) We're fairly close to catching up to the Joneses, I think, or at least faking it really well. And we'll be out of diapers way before our friends will, who are just now having their first babies. The verdict, 8 years later: Its all working out fine, but career is certainly not in the equation for me in the near future. Post feminist?: YES. At present I am fully in tune with my own desires. That is, I know and own that I want to be a mother to my children and not some phantom figure on the nanny's day off. Career woman?: NO. Maybe this never way a need of mine. Or maybe I jumped the gun and never had the chance to even properly construct this desire. Maybe all that I desire right now is a direct function of the path I've already committed myself to.

I thought this book was very well written and spot on and hope many women read this book and are more aware of the issues it raises when they are young enough to do something about them. Women should not feel ashamed for wanting to become mothers but should be equally supported whether or not they choose a career and whether or not they choose marriage and children in the first place. One criticism of the book is that Ms Crittenden does viciously attack women who have chosen not to have children as having empty lives and I truly wonder if, in some instances, this is really the case?...

On the other hand, if I had not been lucky enough to have met my husband when I did, how would I feel reading this book? Whilst I know many women who have "played away" their valuable 20s, many haven't and just haven't met decent men. This is the one aspect of the whole post-feminist era that Ms Crittenden fails to address and I would be a very bitter woman indeed if I fell into this category.

...I feel very sad for any woman who has been swept along by the post-feminist train of thought that women must behave exactly like men to be considered equal to them, without any regard for biology. We are different to men - and vive la difference!

Danielle Crittenden explores the touchy issues surrounding modern women thoughtfully, bolstered by tons of statistics, anecdotes of real women, and even her own personal experiences. Though Crittenden stingingly critiques the ultra-feminists of the last three decades, she does not propose women should lose the freedoms they have gained. Rather, she says, women should re-order the major events of their life in a way perhaps more suitable to "having it all." Crittenden derides the selfishness that modern feminists advocate, and encourages women to not feel ashamed of their desire to be devoted mothers. While it may appear Crittenden's views seem rather narrow, she skillfully articulates the depth and complexity of the problems facing modern women. Unfortunately, anyone who has been a working mother or has passed into their 30s without marrying or having children (in the name of independence) may feel slapped in the face by Crittenden's tone and in-your-face style. Regardless, the book is a worthwhile, provocative read. Either you'll love it or you'll hate it. It's certain one's views can only be polarized by this book.

You know, there is no doubt that this book touches some VERY raw nerves out there. As a loyal husband and father, I see this conflict in my wife's life. Should she be a 'stay-at-home' mom or not? It doesn't have to mean servitude, surely there is a middle-ground. It seems that our society has made it more difficult than ever to make that choice. And yet, we wonder how a child can walk into a school and shoot without remorse. Many children lose touch with their parents early on, and those formative years are so critical. It shouldn't be some sort of profane wish to have a family or want to be with them more. My own work doesn't understand how I will turn down a promotion or now, even a raise so that I can continue to spend more time with my family. If there was anything missing from Danielle's book, it was the fact that today's men seem to reward each other for needless 'macho' and sick behavior. For example, a guy in my management brags about how he stayed on the job during his wife's c-section. I was horrified to hear it. Nothing is more important to me than mine. I stayed with my wife for almost a month straight after the birth of our son. It set us back financially, but brought us together more than anything else. I think the book shows that there are serious repercussions to the feminist lifestyle - ones feminists are sure to disavow, but most *reasonable* women will agree with. People who say they got nothing out of this book are either fooling themselves, or very strange. No one should be punished for trying to build a stronger family and it's high time someone spoke up about it.