What Rhymes with Bastard? [Hardcover]

Linda Robertson (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: September 1, 2008

A hilariously candid story of a dysfunctional and disintegrating relationship, What Rhymes with Bastard? follows Linda Robertson as she moves from London to San Francisco, where she gets cheated on, gets dumped, loses her job, and forms a cabaret band.

Linda’s story begins in London. When her beloved Jack gets locked up in a mental hospital after trying to sail down the Thames in a makeshift raft, Linda doesn’t take the hint. Instead, she marries him and moves to San Francisco, where she plans to Get Ahead.

Alas, her blue-skied visions didn’t include unemployment, oddball roommates, arguments, or Jack's desperate attempt to sleep with as many women as he can get his hands on. As her romance sours, our heroine pours her bile into song, assembles a cabaret band, and takes to the dark, sticky stages of the city's nightclubs. There, amid a morass of strippers, magicians, artists and assorted weirdoes, she strives for the ultimate musical accolade: Ms Accordion San Francisco 2004.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In this darkly comedic debut memoir, Scottish ex-pat Robertson details a bad year in San Francisco, living with a no-good boyfriend and her own uncertain identity. Wryly observing that "even a boyfriend in a lunatic asylum seemed better than none," twenty-something Linda sends young, psychologically delicate Jack, "a good fixer-upper," ahead to SF to secure a job, a place to live, and a "perfect backdrop to our decaying love." The painful details of their relationship follow, as Jack becomes the alcoholic, drug abusing, philandering bastard of the title, and Robertson copes through friends, music and gallows humor. Though there's little on the ex-pat experience (or the whys of her and her friends' knack for poor choices), Robertson shares some welcome insights ("when your lover doesn't love you anymore, friends remind you that they do") and gamely pokes fun at their grim, collective situation. The most serious material follows the death of Robertson's mother, after which Robertson makes a bid for adulthood by entering the Ms. Accordion San Francisco 2004 pageant. Though sure to delight open-minded fans of chick lit (Robertson isn't bashful), it's a narrative unlikely to catch on with any broader an audience.
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From Booklist

It would be a gross understatement to say that Scottish debut memoirist Robertson suffers from low self-esteem. Why else would she stay married to Jack, a lowlife of a lad who does drugs, cheats on her, and then dispenses every gory detail? In the realm of toxic relationships, theirs is Chernobyl. But Jack’s good looks and goofy charm, along with Robertson’s seeming desire for what might be best described as marital masochism, keep her basking in that unhealthy glow. Matters hardly improve when the couple leaves Scotland to live in San Francisco. Neither can make much of their careers; Robertson’s procession of bad writing jobs would be enough to discourage any aspiring scribe, and a long visit from her beleaguered, ever-bickering parents only serves as another example of love gone awry. Robertson holds on to her sanity by playing the accordion at some dubious San Francisco nightclubs (a fellow performer at one sports a spark-spewing metal bikini). Jack, alas, keeps playing the same old tune. Robertson’s account is dark, stark, and as bitter as Scottish ale. --Allison Block

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 250 pages
• Publisher: MacAdam/Cage (September 1, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1596923016
• ISBN-13: 978-1596923010
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 5.9 x 0.5 inches
• Shipping Weight: 11.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (3 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,611,828 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Completely Charming..., August 21, 2009

By 

Susan M. Barron "filmrag" (you esh aye!!!) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: What Rhymes with Bastard? (Hardcover)

It's not just because I've met the author that causes me to write a glowing review (I've been on several zone trips run by the anonymized 'Duckbill Pete', a mutual friend), but rather because Linda's voice in the book is as clear -- and as entertaining -- as her voice in life.

For a real trip through the streets of San Francisco in the vein of a (non-lesbian) Michelle Tea or Ali Liebegott, Linda's book is well worth the read.

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars loved it., November 2, 2008

By 

N. Hagmeier "Nieves Rathbun" (Oakland, CA) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: What Rhymes with Bastard? (Hardcover)

I thoroughly enjoyed this book. A well written romp through a doomed relationship including many embarrassing and endearing details. By the end I had laughed and cringed and felt involved in the story like I would with a dear friend. I recommend it.

4 of 6 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars I really wanted to like it, but had a hard time with it, October 17, 2008

By 

Heather A. Teysko "heatherteyskodotcom" (Los Angeles) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: What Rhymes with Bastard? (Hardcover)

I really wanted to like this book. Really. I liked the character. But I was also really impatient and annoyed with her. Ok. So her husband wants to go out and sleep with lots of women and then tell her about it. And she agreed to this arrangement. So in my book this doesn't really make him a [...]. It makes her kind of dumb. I mean, the signs were there. He wasn't all that much in college. And she still went for him. So, without being all Dr. Phil or anything - um... he was honest. She said she was ok with it. So out of the two of them...he was honest. She wasn't. I get annoyed by people playing the victim when they agreed to the circumstances and went into them fully knowing what was going on.

She also makes me mad. I had to leave the UK - her home country - because my visa expired, even though I had a job and was trying to make a contribution to society there. She is unemployed, but won't take "any" job - oh, no, she has high standards. She also hangs out with heroine addicts and various prostitutes. And I had to leave England. I just can't get over that.

So yeah, thinking about it now, I think I'm just really annoyed by the character and her story. Which disappoints me because I wanted to like it. I just think she's kind of a hazard, and way too drama. Her memoir is compared to Bridget Jones. Bridget Jones is adorably neurotic. This chick is dangerously crazy. That doesn't make it "edgier". That makes it intervention-worthy.