Customer Reviews

What Do You Mean, You Can't Eat in My Home?: A Guide to How Newly Observant Jews and Their Less Observant Relatives Can Still Get Along

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Newly observant Orthodox Jews do not have it easy. Once they have made the commitment to live according to the Torah's dictates, they face many challenges. One of the thorniest problems may be: How does a person maintain a loving relationship with secular family members who do not understand why a modern person needs to follow so many rules and regulations? Some of the questions that non-observant relatives may ask are: Why buy kosher food, which is often more expensive and may be harder to obtain? Why refrain from doing what you want to do on the Sabbath? Why is it necessary for women to dress modestly? Why should there be a partition in the synagogue between men and women? Why spend extra money on a yeshiva education for your children when there are perfectly good public schools in your neighborhood?

Azriela Jaffe's "What Do You Mean, You Can't Eat in My Home?" is a thoughtful and sensitive guide to avoiding the conflicts that inevitably arise when a formerly secular person decides to become fully observant. Jaffe knows whereof she speaks, since she became observant late in life, and her husband was more observant than she was at the time of their marriage. It took her years to "see the light," so she has great sympathy and understanding for those relatives who are bewildered by the "extreme" behavior of the ba'al teshuvah (a Jew who returns to his religious roots). In fact, Jaffe admits that to this day, her family is not completely reconciled to her life style. However, she is comfortable knowing that she is bringing up her children in a home imbued with Torah values.

Jaffe's book is practical, with clearly written and well-researched chapters on kashrus, holiday observances, modesty, dating and marriage, family celebrations, and education. The author emphasizes the importance of respect, communication, and compromise (when it is religiously permissible). Without condescension, the newly observant person should explain why he or she does things a certain way. He should emphasize that he is not trying to proselytize, and that he respects his relatives for their many terrific qualities. Jaffe believes that religious differences need not lead to permanent rifts if there is good will in the family and a solid foundation of love.

What a great book! The target audience is people (especially women) who have decided to become Torah-observant and have problems dealing with less observant relatives. Well, I'm pretty much the opposite: totally secular, and (as far as I know) I don't have any relatives or even friends who are as observant as Mrs. Jaffe. Nevertheless, I found this book fascinating! How come? It's a chance to look over the shoulder, as it were, of someone who has decided to follow this path. I have no desire to follow her, but reading about her experiences gave me new respect for those who do: this is obviously something which works for her, and it works well. Something that has puzzled (and worried me) is that the denominations which are thriving today are those whose doctrines and practices are furthest removed from the rationalist secular society: the Mormons are the fastest-growing Christian group, while the Episcopalians languish. And if present trends continue, in 50 years the predominant Jewish group will be of the Torah-observant. Mrs. Jaffe's book gives a hint about why. Now if only we had a similar book from the LDS...

This one should spark plenty of debate and discussion and that makes it the IDEAL book for nearly any Jewish family.

It is no secret that many Jews start out in one tradition of Judaism (Orthodox,for example) and then veer off to find themselves in either the Conservative or Reform camp -or somewhere in between. And even if a family remains Orthodox, there isn't just ONE right way to be Orthodox. Is it okay to eat meat before going to a party which will feature milk items - and, if so, how many hours ahead of time can you do so? That question is just one example of how very confusing the rules can be, leading to accusations and judgments, ramping up the tension level. Who needs that?

I won't go so far as to say that this book will solve all problems that come along.No book can do that. Sometimes lines are drawn and STAY drawn. Traditions remain, some of them rigid and unbending.

But this book definitely opens the door to more peaceful conversations and even some compromises, perhaps even some "new" traditions (one can hope). It also will evoke memories in readers who've experienced the types of issues that are explored here - from parents with very diffent viewpoints to relatives who were judgmental, etc.

A gem of a book and a basic for everyone interested in Judaism, whether "new Jews" or "old Jews".

First, a complaint: the Kindle price is WAY TOO HIGH, compared to the hardcover prices.

But, this is a very useful and interesting book, even to this non-Jew. I have become a more devout Christian and it's upsetting the family balance, and many of the attitudes and feelings she describes in this book are ones I'm dealing with too.

I also found it interesting at a cultural level, and it has already helped me understand a little better my Jewish friends and co-workers.

Well written, well organized, thorough. The author is almost too careful to keep her personal experiences out of the book; I would have liked a few more amusing and/or poignant stories, like the story about her aunt and the cookies.

I bought this book for a synagogue library thinking it would help some of the older members deal with children who have become more observant. This perspective isn't addressed, it is solely from the viewpoint of young people having to explain things to their less religious elders. It would be more helpful if it gave practical advice to those who are less religious. I will probably return it.

I would welcome a part 2 - A guide to how Jews who become less observant and their more observant relatives can still get along.

In her book '2 Jews can still be an Intermarriage' Azriela Jaffe offers practical solutions when an Observant Jew tries to make a life with a non or less Observant Jew. This book address the journey one faces when becoming more observant. What about the challenges one faces when they become less observant? How does an observant Jew explain to their family and friends the compromises they might make? A book that deals with those difficult issues would be most welcome.