Barry Duncan, Psy.D. is codirector of the Institute of the Study of Therapeutic Change in Coral Springs, Florida. Author of over twelve books, both professional and for the trade, he has appeared on Oprah, The View and other national television programs. He has been featured in Psychology Today, USA Today and Glamour magazine. Duncan conducts seminars internationally in client-directed, outcome-informed therapies in hopes of inciting insurrection against practices that diminish clients.
Identifying and Enlisting Change Partners
Take some time now and think about whom you have relied on in the past and whom you might depend upon now. Who is helpful in your day-to-day life? Whom have you sought out in the past who was useful? Was it a parent, partner, teacher, neighbor, colleague, friend, rabbi? Who are the candidates to be your change partner? Who is the best candidate?
When picking your change partner (or partners), please feel free to do it any way you feel would be best. You may already know whom you will ask and need no format to help your deliberations. Follow your instincts. You know whom you can trust. You may need to do nothing more than tell your chosen partner what you are up to and begin the work of changing your life. So if you feel ready, go ahead and enlist a change partner and proceed to the exercise at the end of this chapter. Take what follows as food for thought.
On the other hand, of you may want a little guidance or a more formal method to pick the best possible change partner. First, generate a list of candidates. Don’t be shy here; you are bestowing a great honor on anyone you consider. It is an honor because you are saying that this person is not only trustworthy, but is also of such high caliber that you are contemplating him or her as a companion in your very personal journey to a more satisfying life. It is better to be overinclusive at this point, so list as many potential partners as possible—a candidate need not be your closest friend or most trusted family member. Once you have identified your candidates, recall the last conversation you had with each person in which you discussed a personal concern. If you have not had such a discussion with a candidate, imagine how you think that exchange might go. Reflect upon that conversation with the following relational dimensions in mind, which have been shown to be invaluable to change in therapy.
Understood, Respected and Validated
Feeling understood, respected and validated is critical to any change endeavor. It is simply a priceless experience that sets us free to consider the possibilities of a better future. Feeling understood means that your change partner makes a sincere attempt to look at the world through your eyes. In addition, like Aretha says, we all want a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Respect, according to one of the founding parents of psychotherapy, Carl Rogers, means to value another individual as a person with worth and dignity.
In total, your change partner must assume that you can and will make a more satisfying life for yourself and that you have the inherent capacity to do so. He or she must believe that no one knows better than you—that you are the expert regarding your concerns. Part and parcel of this attitude is the belief that you are doing the best you can under stressful circumstances and that your actions are understandable given your context. In short, your change partner must have a validating attitude toward you.
Recall that validation is a process in which your struggle is respected as important, perhaps representing a critical juncture in your life, and your thoughts, feelings and behaviors are accepted, believed and considered completely understandable given trying circumstances. Change partners at their best legitimize your point of view, even if, in hindsight, you have not made the best choices. Change partners help you replace any invalidation that may be a part of the load you carry.
©2004. Barry Duncan, Psy.D. All rights reserved. Reprinted from What's Right With You: Debunking Dysfunction and Changing Your Life. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
