Customer Reviews

When The Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter

5 star:		(25)
4 star:		(3)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
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This book is, by far and away, the best for bereaved parents. I first read it after my son, Josh, was killed on September 17, 1999, and have reread it dozens of times since that awful day. The ache still crushed my heart daily, but I have every hope that it will ease. How wonderful it was to read that I will not "get over this" but will incorporate this into the rest of my life. Bereaved parents NEED ro know that they will survive, and somehow start to live again.

Having helped run a Compassionate Friends chapter for ten years, reading the reviewers' comments reminded me of how uncannily predictable grief over a child's death is--the reactions of other people, particularly, who really don't know what to say (mainly because there is very little that can be said). Bernstein's book is a powerful message that you DO NOT recover, ever, you just adapt to a new life. It is a book every bereaved parent should read. Unfortunately, it is often a long time before reading--or anything else--can help, which is a good reason for a friend to buy a copy and give it. Thank you, Judith, for a lifeline in drowning sea.

We lost our son to a brain tumor and it has been so difficult . The pain has been much more intense than I ever inagined and the hurtful things that people say. We have been told to get over this and move on. Things will get better " You have to accept this it is Gods will".Things like this came from members of our church.

When The Bough Breaks tells it like it really is the loss is foreever after your chils is gone. It seems when you have lost a child your friends, church members begin to fade away. For 2 months after the funeral no one called, came from my church a place where I spent the majority of my life working, teaching, worshipping, praying, etc and it appears that no one cares. It is though you have a contagious disease.

People need education on what to say and how to support people who are hurting. This book makes those of us who have had loss understand that we are not alone in our grief.

I purchased this book for my parents when my brother died at the age of 29 in an auto accident. I felt helpless and knew we needed help to face the life ahead that seemed unappealing now. We needed people who would come around and really lend support and look to us for what our needs might be instead of suggesting those quick fixes in short "feel good quips" by extending a genuine offer of support which is more about being physically there, willing to help, or just sit near while we talk, rail, cry incessantly until our heads throb- those people usually number only in single digits. What we didn't need was our misery to be compounded by seeing reactions all too easy to read or being told directly that we're somehow not handling this in a healthy or normal way. As if there is one right way to grieve or a time at which "poof" you are healed? No, that always surprises me how little time we're given. As the author says, we will always carry this with us but over time will learn to adapt and as the author says she frequently heard, the second year for us was even harder. Now we are early into the third year and I am not surprised how many days or moments are still raw, as he was such an important part of my life from my earliest recollections until I was 33 and awoke to find he died alone in a ditch while I slept snug in my bed. Like seeing how much my three children have changed, knowing he has missed that, knowing how much joy he would bring to their lives were he here and the joy they would bring him, how hard he would laugh at the things they say and how proud he would be of them like he was when he was alive, how hard it is knowing that only through my stories will they remember him or know that he was so involved with them, that great brother of mine who was a great uncle.

I read this book as well as I was trying to understand the loss from my parent's perspective and I realized that it also was my story and that insights or events shared from others were those I could relate to -reactions from others or lack thereof, the lack of understanding from those who do not understand, the insensitive comments of many, the desertion of those too busy or too pained selfishly to come around, and the unspoken but clearly conveyed time frame in which society at large thinks one should heal, and those too few people whose support helped us keep our heads above water when we were sure we were going under. I was so angry at those who did not risk their discomfort with our pain to visit, or who when they did talk of Todd they did not use his name, or they would act sometimes as if it never happened at all, like he never WAS at all. That is the hardest to handle when you can no longer physically have them with you, hear their voice, or revel in their laughter and now there were those who would even deny you his memory when conversation comes to a screeching halt when you mention your loved one. They don't know what to say and sometimes that is exactly what you should say. There is no catchy "don't worry, be happy" phrase that will make it all better; but to be physically available despite your discomfort is vitally important to those in the midst of the hell that is a life forever altered without that key person whose meaning to you defies description with mere words. It feels visceral, that love, that loss. I cringe at the summary that says the author seems to suggest that we never "get over" the loss. Suggest? That reviewer has never had the rug pulled out from under him. Some phrases such as "get over" are always angering and trivialize the loved one we miss and the author bears our souls with the words we struggle to make understandable to educate those grieving, those in their lives, and society in general on loss. How could my parents not be devastated after their son whose smile lit up a room died so suddenly and who never got to reach the dreams we know he held, have the children he desired, etc.?

As a counselor, I have recommended this book over and over to ANYONE who has suffered a devastating loss because "parent" and "child" substituted with "person" and "loved one" will personalize the message and seem as if this author peered into your heart and wrote of your pain and struggle as well. I disagree with the review in which it was said that the author said when they're dead, they're dead and I NEVER saw that as I also would have been offended as our hope (which we will never part with and DO NOT attempt to take it!!) to see Todd in Heaven again someday is crucial to the healing that has begun, but the wound will always be there, somedays right in your face and other days just below the surface, unseen to others and often remaining there under your skin as you go through your days(suggesting to those who don't know loss that we're "over" it) but we know those memories, both fond and painful, come up at all the expected times and also at those times even years later when you're out and about and are stopped dead in your tracks because "he really like that song" or "he would have liked that movie" or when your heart feels pierced because you realize you are watching that young man because he looks like your brother, moves about like he did, you haven't seen your brother move in the flesh for a long time, too long, and you watch him for a while knowing it is not him and yet imagining that it is so you can reminisce because you want to remember always. Yes, that is normal and this book is written by someone who unfortunately knows first hand and that is what makes this book so helpful.

I feel strongly that this book can help not only parents faced with the unthinkable, but siblings such as myself, or even those who have someone they care about who is suffering and they want to try and understand and be more sensitive to that loss, and yes, for counselors who HAVE to be genuine and the insight, if you don't know it personally, will make the difference between healing and hurting the client because you "just don't get it."

I thought the book was very good,in that it gave insite what other parents were feeling.
My 33 year old son was killed 8 months ago in a tragic fire truck accident,he was a hero during Hurricane Katrina,left a 4 yr. old son,he was just a wonderful human being in every way.
The only thing that helps me understand any of this,is that he still exists in a different dimension,that I will see him again.
But when this very intellegent author,said her belief is when your dead your dead,and she has no belief in an afterlife.This is something that I don't want to hear.

This is not easy material to read that is certain. The loss of a child changes people forever and hearing the insensitivity of people ("you'll get over it" / "get on with your life") just compounds the pain of reading through these interviews. Truly the human race today isn't much suited to dealing with grief and loss. We are not taught what to say, how to be compassionate, etc. One parent who lost a child was consoled by someone who said that they had recently lost a dog and understood how they felt! It's too much sometimes, but this book is certainly worth reading and would be a life line to someone who actually suffered the greatest loss of all.

This terrific book is intelligently written, orderly and pracitcal. I have to add, though, after reading the last review (and it broke my heart) that bereaved parents in her situation need the book When Your Friend's Child Dies by Julane Grant. This is the book for family and friends and I would suggest giving a copy to your church library or office. The pain of losing our child is so compounded by the ignorance of others. A book so small (they will read it) and so easily understood that it will absolutely change the way your friends and family accept your loss. Because it is "Forever After."

Anyone who has experienced the death of a child, or who works with parents who have, or knows parents who have, should read this book. When everything around a bereaved parent is confusing and turbulent, this is a beacon that can enlighten the path. As a clinical psychologist, people--especially bereaved parents--often ask me the same question: "Am I going crazy, or am I normal?" This book does a wonderful job of answering that question by debunking the myth of "normal grief." There are no guidelines or boundaries. Wherever you are is "normal." The other extremely important point that this book drives home is that grieving a child is not something you "get over," like you get over the flu. You never "get over" the death of a child, but you can eventually adapt your life around the loss, and you can keep on living a meaningful, though drastically changed, life.

Outstanding! Don't be fooled by the title. This is not a book just for people who have lost infants. This was an intelligent and sensitive description of life after the death of a child. My school-aged child died only a month ago. I bought the book to learn what the experience did to parent's lives over time. This is very well done. I want to thank the author for writing it.

Death is hard enough to deal with without having to cope with the insensitive remarks of others. We will never get over our loss as Judith B. points out we adapt.
We never get over the pain, we learn to live with it.
I am also using Write from your Heart, A Healing Grief Journal to get my feelings down on paper and to create a book of memories.