Customer Reviews

When Boundaries Betray Us: Beyond Illusions of What Is Ethical in Therapy and Life

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3 star:		(1)
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1 star:		(2)

 

 

I loved "When Boundaries Betray Us." For one thing, it's one of the freshest subject matters I've ever encountered. I'm glad to see some creativity in the stale world of publishing, where every other book I read seems familiar. For another, it works on many levels. It is partly a mystery (what exactly went on between Heyward and her therapist?) and partly a deconstruction of western therapy, as well as an analysis of relational theology.

Let me say from the outset, I have no idea what happened between "Elizabeth Farro" and Carter Heyward. The author is highly biased by her own interpretation (the writing is at times almost comically one-sided)-- that they fell in love and were blocked from being friends by the structures of clinical therapy. Based on what I've read, I think there are other plausible alternatives, including that this was merely an unrequited love situation that got out of hand. Dr. Farro may have simply gotten tired of Heyward's fantasies and a cutoff came as a last resort.

Heyward uses her experiences as a way of deconstructing therapy and theology. The limited Western perspective doesn't allow a relationship like the one between Heyward and Farro to thrive. Therapist and patient can't be friends, people who are "in love" can only be lovers (impeded by Heyward's longterm relationship). Heyward wants to explore other ways of relating with Elizabeth Farro. Her life is in a shambles because it's not allowed.

And, yet, despite my appreciation of new approaches and alternative theologies, I'm not sure about Heyward's thesis. Her feelings for Farro seem unhealthy. Since they occurred during a time when she was giving up drinking and compulsive eating, I'm inclined to think she may have just been channeling one obsession through another. Then there is the issue of Heyward's longterm lover, who complains of feeling like "the wallpaper." If Heyward is serious about mutuality, her neglect of her lover is alarming. Instead she seems merely obsessed with something she can't have. I'm not sure that is either psychologically or theologically sound.

There are also problems with the writing. Heyward does not sufficiently paint Elizabeth Farro as a three dimensional person; I was hard pressed to understand why anyone would be drawn to her. There isn't enough between them (as depicted in the text) to merit the gravity of the topic. Heyward wants us to sympathize with her side, even to the point of desiring institutional reform, but I was left feeling that it was a blessing that Elizabeth Farro was out of her life. Their relationship was not healthy, and I don't think there was a lot of love there.

When a woman writes a book from a perspective of a wounded client who exhibits such narcissistic tendencies (if not full blown pathology), and parades how out of touch, demanding and unwilling or unable to work through her therapy she is, and then attempts to justify her own inability to connect with her deeper self, it just seems sad. It is also a gross injustice to the analytic and therapeutic communities and their understandings of what the real inner work is about. While reading Carter's book all I could think of was why didn't her so called 'meaningful' relationships manage to see through her acting out and assist her in shifting to the inner drama she was attempting to act out once more with a therapist. The analytic literature (especially Schwartz-Salant and Johnson's books on Narcissism) clearly articulates the stages of inner work that Carter consistently attempted to avoid through her displacement of her unsatisfied needs onto her therapeutic relationship. I would love to hear Elizabeth's side of the journey, for I suspect she knew and was unwilling to collude in another "violent" relationship that would duplicate the unsatisfying inner relationship that Carter both demands and wants replicated. I suspect down the road, if she ever manages to break through the narcissistic 'split' and quits displacing her 'empty holes' onto spirituality, political patriarchy etc., she will arrive at a much different appreciation of how her therapist did exactly what was needed to invite Carter into her own self's drama, and it was Carter's inability to hold that tension that led to her termination. Oh how terribly sad.

Carter Heyward has written the book that should be required reading for all in the mental health field. She advocates loosening the boundaries between client and therapist in the theraputic relationship in order to create a mutual interacton between two people where deeper intimacy is established. A seemingly innocuous premise, Heyward then goes on to demonstrate the precise reason this is a dangerous practice--especially when the client they face is Heyward. Unsatisfied that her therapist was unable to meet her persistant demands for constant attention, unpaid sessions, touch, and sexual advances, Heyward's behavior escalated to stalking, lying, inventing psychological problems, and manipulation in order to get what she wants. When she fails at this, her revenge is writing the book. I can only believe that it was published due to Heyward's reputation for innovative thinking because if those who care for her had read the unpublised manuscript, they would have realized she has embarassed herself badly. Like an adolescent in heat, Heyward has reduced herself to shameful behaviors, freely admitted. Her idea for mutuality in therapy(an exciting basis for innovative work) are masked by her obcessive needs and sexual desires. She even claims that her pets psychically communicated that she should continue her stalking behavior, and that her therapist welcomed the attentions. As a mental health professional reading this work, I realize I could have been reading a case study for borderline behavior. The book that needs to be written about intimacy, mutuality, and experimental relations in therapy remains unwritten. But, "When Boundaries Betray Us" is a fascinating study of a disintegrating mind. A sad story, but recommended to all clients and therapists alike.

This book attempts to address two separate issues as one. I find the arguments about "boundaries" less compelling than what Heyward reveals about herself. As a psychotherapist, I believe "Elizabeth" made glaring mistakes (she should have referred Carter to another therapist early on). But Carter's narcissistic focus on "friendship" outstrips any clarity. She blithely sends frequent letters to Elizabeth, despite a request not to contact her again; she doesn't consider that Elizabeth might not choose her as a friend (I wouldn't), boundaries aside; she ignores that while therapists are hopefully fulfilled by their work, it's not intended to be a reciprocal relationship. I love my work, but if Carter Heyward were my patient, she'd drive ME crazy!

I found this book to be an excellent study as to how badly a psychotherapist can damage a clients emotional and psychological health, and then blame or discredit the client for bringing on that damage, instead of taking responsibility for harming the client and trying to repair the damage done. This is called counter-transference in the profession. This happens when a psychotherapist "loses" control of their faculties within the therapeutic relationship and it is sad to see therapists go off the deep end. The therapist is more responsible than the client for keeping therapy under control, because it is the therapist who has the professional training and experience. If the therapist described in this story had kept their wits about them, this sad situation would never have happened. It takes two to tango.

I can also fully understand why many psychotherapists including social workers and psychologists would dislike this book; many therapists do not like to take responsibility for counter transference, which is basically a therapists mental illness projected towards the client. It does not portray the profession in a good light. It does, however, bring out many unfortunate truths inherent within the psychotherapy industry, and also is a premier as to what kind of psychotherapists to avoid. It get's five stars from me! A book with guts, for a client who was harmed to not only stand up for their rights, but ALSO to write a book about it I am impressed!

Carter Heyward has written a brilliant book on the failure of her psychotherapist, in essence, to own her issues. In contrast to another review I read about this book, it is not an 'embarrassing read on borderline behavior", but rather the very real development of a relationship. I actually identified t with this book as I had a very similar experience with a therapist. There are VERY few models that I have found that deal with the "patient" BECOMING, and maturing and being able to challenge the therapist. This is precisely because therapy is built on a patriarchal model, and this is what Ms. Heyward very thoroughly (perhaps a tad redundant at times) describes. Either health exists inside a person, and needs healing, or it is "given" to the person, as the patriarchal model suggests. There needs to be mutuality for development of health and relationship. She is extremely insightful, and articulate in her writing, and describes the push- ! ! pull of a relationship developing very accurately. I think if one is a psychotherapist in a traditional sense, it is almost impossible for one to understand this book, for precisely the reason that Carter suggests. She is way beyond her colleagues, and any genius in this world that shines, is always in the beginning, harshly criticized. Excellent book, and the critiques in the end are excellent as well.