When Children Grieve : For Adults to Help Children Deal With Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses [Hardcover]

John W. James (Author), Russell Friedman (Author), Dr. Leslie Matthews (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: June 5, 2001

To watch a child grieve and not know what to do is one of the most difficult experiences for parents, teachers, and caregivers. And yet, there are guidelines for helping children develop a lifelong, healthy response to loss.In When children Grieve, John W James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute, along with psychotherapist Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews, have created a cutting-edge volume that will help free children from the false idea that they "shouldn't feel bad" and will empower them with positive, effective methods of dealing with loss.There are many life experiences that can produce feelings of grief in a child, everything from the death of a relative or a divorce, to more everyday experiences such as moving to a new neighborhood or losing a prized possession. Whatever the reason or the degree of severity if a child you love is grieving, the guidelines examined in this thoughtful book can make a difference. For example:Listen with your heart, not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed, without judgment, criticism, or analysis.Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual. Avoid the trap of asking your child what is wrong, for he or she will automatically say "Nothing."Adults -- Go first. Telling the truth about your own grief will make your child feel safe in opening up about his or her own feelings.Remember that each of your children is unique and each has a unique relationship to the loss event.Be patient. Don't force your child to talk.Never say "Don't feel sad" or "Don't feel scared." Sadness and fear, the two most common feelings attached to loss of any kind, are essential to being human.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

It would be a pity if this interesting, humane, and practical book were read only by parents of recently bereaved children--for two reasons. First, the book is about grief in a broad sense. Its lessons apply not only to the child whose pet, aunt, or parent has died, but also to the child whose parents have divorced, who has suffered a debilitating injury, or who has experienced other forms of traumatic loss. Second, let's face it: every child will suffer a loss at some point, so it behooves parents to be prepared in advance. As the authors say, "our task as parents is to prepare our children to deal with the experiences they will have."

It's unfortunate that the book has what might be considered a common structural flaw in self-help books. All of Part I (about 50 pages) is devoted to examining various myths about grieving and mistakes in dealing with it--for example, that the griever should keep busy and try not to feel bad. This is "good advice about bad advice," but it leaves the reader wondering why the authors didn't choose to get on with the plain old "good advice" on page 1. By Part II, it's already clear which coping techniques the authors will recommend. It would have been better to start there. --Richard Farr

From Publishers Weekly

Coauthors of The Grief Recovery Handbook, John W. James and Russell Friedman join with psychotherapist Leslie Landon Matthews to present When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses. This compassionate manual addresses the nature of grief, purges common myths the worst of which, the authors claim, is that time heals all wounds (only small, positive actions can heal a person, insist James, Friedman and Matthews) and encourages adults to adopt a more healthy approach to grief themselves, so that they, in turn, can help children.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 288 pages
• Publisher: Harper; 1st edition (June 5, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060196130
• ISBN-13: 978-0060196134
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6.5 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (13 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,155,081 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Written With Gentle, Healing Hands, May 23, 2003

By 

The Rev. Dr. Daniel J. G. G. Block - See all my reviews

This review is from: When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses (Paperback)

I am a conservative, grumpy, old, Lutheran pastor, vehemently opposed to all things "New Age." I despise the fads of pop-psychology. "Touchy-Feely" advice from so-called experts, who demand exorbitant fees, often makes me want to wretch. So, I approached this book filled with trepidation.

There was no need for my concerned.

Writing with extraordinary gentleness and common sense Mr. James, Mr. Friedman and Dr. Matthews have provided adults with an invaluable outline on how to shepherd the children in their lives through loss, grief and recovery. Every parent, grandparent, teacher, pastor, priest, rabbi, nurse or physician who expects the children in their lives to suffer the death of a pet, suffer the death of a relative, move or endure a divorce will benefit from reading this book.

Do yourself a favor. Read this book for the sake of the children whom you love. It is well worth the investment of your time.

Then, do yourself a second favor, and place a copy of this book in your church, synagogue or public library for the others who will grow by reading it.

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Must Read for All Parents, January 14, 2004

By 

Dr. Russ Buenteo, Director of Community Affai... (New York, NY) - See all my reviews

This review is from: When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses (Paperback)

This book should be required for all parents. If you want to understand the basics of human and/or child behavior, this book is a must read. The book succinctly and lovingly explains the concept of "loss" and the emotional and physical responses to it-what we would normally call grief.

The beauty of this book is that grief is placed in a larger context. In other words, according to the authors, grief is the response when experiencing a "massive change or end from everything familiar." Therefore, children, and adults, can grieve a variety of situations: loss of a pet, moving to another neighborhood, or changing schools.

Therein rests the beauty of this book. This book explains how to help children. More importantly, the adults who are required to provide the assistance will learn more about their children and themselves.

So highly recommended, there are not enough stars to express this book's importance.

12 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The most useful book to assit children adjust to change., June 6, 2001

By 

Nancy Stutz-Martin (Chattanooga, Tennessee) - See all my reviews

This review is from: When Children Grieve : For Adults to Help Children Deal With Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses (Hardcover)

As a Mental Health Professional and specialist in the field of grief, I was asked to review the final manuscript of 'When Children Grieve.' In all honesty I could not put it down. It is easy to read, warm, truthful,and above all practical. Finally a book that tells you exactly what to do and why. I had the opportunity to use the information in 'When Children Grieve' with a group of boys ages 12-16 who were labeled 'behavioral/emotional' problems within the public school system. The results were incredible. It certainly reinforced the 'truths' of this book. If we taught our children these principles we would not have all the 'Columbine's' and 'Post Office' traumas that are frequently on the evening news. As a mother, I only wish I had this book when my children were young. I believe 'When Children Grieve' should be in the hands of EVERY person who encounters children both professionally and socially.