When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse [Paperback]

Lundy Bancroft (Author)

Book Description

Release date: March 1, 2005

Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother?

Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Here, a counselor reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children-and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse.

This book, the first ever of its kind, shows mothers how to:

• Protect children and help them heal emotionally
• Provide love, support, and positive role models, even in the midst of abuse
• Increase their chances of winning custody
• Help their kids feel good about themselves

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Nearly three-quarters of women who are chronically mistreated by their partners have children. In this sensitive, respectful book, counselor, speaker, trainer and activist Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) gives those women ways to help their children heal from the pain of seeing such abuse. Using anecdotes, Q&As, bulleted "points to remember" and a caring but firm tone, Bancroft tells abused mothers exactly what actions they should take to help their children. Don’t blame children (or yourself), he says, and let children know it’s good to talk about the verbal or physical abuse they’ve been exposed to. Bancroft coaches moms to tell their children abuse is wrong, but warns them not to criticize the abuser as a person if he is a father-figure to the children. Bancroft’s important book addresses peripheral issues, too, such as the effects of separation and divorce, and dealing with child protective services and the family court system.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Booklist

Bancroft draws on 16 years of counseling men who abuse women and as a custody evaluator and child-abuse investigator to offer sound advice to women who are abused by their partners and are concerned about the impact on their children. Without judging women in abusive situations, Bancroft emphasizes that they are in the best position to help their children heal after witnessing abuse. She begins by describing how children view abuse from verbal put-downs of their mother to physical abuse and how their conflict and confusion manifest in a range of symptoms from sleeping and eating disorders to underperformance in school. She ends each chapter with action guidelines for women called "What Can I Do?" Bancroft analyzes the pros and cons of deciding whether to stay with or leave an abusive partner and offers coping strategies that include teaching children to be open about their feelings and devising a "safety plan" of escape if necessary. She also offers advice on choosing therapists and support groups, and practical skills for rebuilding the family. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 384 pages
• Publisher: Berkley Trade (March 1, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0425200310
• ISBN-13: 978-0425200315
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (23 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #63,319 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #85 in Books > Parenting & Relationships > Family Relationships > Dysfunctional Relationships
  • #98 in Books > Self-Help > Abuse

More About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last fifteen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men and is considered one of the world's experts on the subject. He is the author of The Batterer as Parent and several journal articles on abuse that have appeared in The New England Journal of Medicine and The Journal of Contemporary Psychology. The former co-director at Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, Bancroft now practices in Massachusetts while training various state and judicial agencies in dealing with domestic abuse situations.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

83 of 90 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally! Moms are saved! August 9, 2004

By mc

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I'm 5 years out of my marriage but my husband finally succeeded in getting my grown children to treat me without respect when I worked out of the country for a year. Little by little he talked me down, made fun of me, got them to belittle me - until when I came home, and they did the same to my face, I had PTSD flashbacks of his abuse of me. I wound up on a crisis hotline and this book was recommended to me.

My desperate cry was, When is it going to end? Will I die or get a terminal illness from stress before he leaves me alone? How do I get my babies back? And why aren't there laws against this and legal recourse for us moms?

This book explained that he would never quit trying to redeem himself for his abusive actions (both physical and emotional) by casting blame and doubt on me. He would try to ruin my reputation, ruin my health - do ANYthing to ultimately "WIN".

These guys don't care about "fair", they don't care about "truth", they don't care about anyone in the world but themselves, Bancroft makes us to understand. And, he informed me, they WILL try to turn your children - the ones YOU raised, loved and gave up your whole youth for - against you.

But, he says, don't worry because they will see him for what he is in time.

He spares no words describing these hard-core domestic criminals. He is appalled by their lack of morals and conscience and his heart is with the mother who must struggle against an appalling lack of laws to protect families from abusive men.

This is a must-read for any woman with children still in or finally out of an abusive marriage. He covers the prejudice in the laws, the judges, the lawyers and how the whole male-worshipping world has made the life of female and child victims of abuse difficult. And then he gives you tips on how to conquer this situation.

I hear Bancroft is now running from state to state to try to reform the laws. Everyone should read this book and follow his advice and lend their support.

Our children aren't safe - and our women certainly are NOT liberated - as long as the laws remain as they are.
We need:
strict laws against ALL abuse with HEAVY penalties,
laws providing recourse to SUE FOR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DAMAGES,
laws that guarantee lifetime alimony to provide men with incentive to participate in the success of their marriages (something women's lib has been working to get rid of so that we must work even with children),
child support laws that give children their mother, so a woman can leave an abusive marriage without destroying the children in the poverty that ensues today.

Women's standard of living drops and men's goes up some 40% after divorce!

Thanks, Lundy. I hope I get to meet you in the crusade!

22 of 22 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderful resource for moms. March 30, 2004

By dwalter09

Format:Hardcover

An easy to read book with a wealth of valuable information. It is an excellent book for parents who have been involved with controlling partners or anyone who works with families. The book gives a detailed description of how batterers affect the children with whom they live. Bancroft's book offers parents user friendly ideas for helping their children heal after being exposed to a partner who physically or emotionally batters. Bancroft offers an options based model that recognizes the parent knows the batterer the best and she is the best person to support her children.

13 of 13 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars When Dad Hurts Mom July 24, 2006

By Lisa Pirman

Format:Paperback

This is an excellent book. It's informative, but very sensitive. I would highly recommend it to any moms out there that are being abused in any way, shape or form. Especially if you don't feel your kids are being affected by you being abused. Because guess what?! They are!