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When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse Paperback – March 1, 2005


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When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse + Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men + Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved
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Product Details

  • Paperback: 384 pages
  • Publisher: Berkley Trade (March 1, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0425200310
  • ISBN-13: 978-0425200315
  • Product Dimensions: 6.1 x 1 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (31 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #56,378 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Nearly three-quarters of women who are chronically mistreated by their partners have children. In this sensitive, respectful book, counselor, speaker, trainer and activist Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) gives those women ways to help their children heal from the pain of seeing such abuse. Using anecdotes, Q&As, bulleted "points to remember" and a caring but firm tone, Bancroft tells abused mothers exactly what actions they should take to help their children. Don’t blame children (or yourself), he says, and let children know it’s good to talk about the verbal or physical abuse they’ve been exposed to. Bancroft coaches moms to tell their children abuse is wrong, but warns them not to criticize the abuser as a person if he is a father-figure to the children. Bancroft’s important book addresses peripheral issues, too, such as the effects of separation and divorce, and dealing with child protective services and the family court system.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

From Booklist

Bancroft draws on 16 years of counseling men who abuse women and as a custody evaluator and child-abuse investigator to offer sound advice to women who are abused by their partners and are concerned about the impact on their children. Without judging women in abusive situations, Bancroft emphasizes that they are in the best position to help their children heal after witnessing abuse. She begins by describing how children view abuse from verbal put-downs of their mother to physical abuse and how their conflict and confusion manifest in a range of symptoms from sleeping and eating disorders to underperformance in school. She ends each chapter with action guidelines for women called "What Can I Do?" Bancroft analyzes the pros and cons of deciding whether to stay with or leave an abusive partner and offers coping strategies that include teaching children to be open about their feelings and devising a "safety plan" of escape if necessary. She also offers advice on choosing therapists and support groups, and practical skills for rebuilding the family. Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

More About the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last fifteen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men and is considered one of the world's experts on the subject. He is the author of The Batterer as Parent and several journal articles on abuse that have appeared in The New England Journal of Medicine and The Journal of Contemporary Psychology. The former co-director at Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, Bancroft now practices in Massachusetts while training various state and judicial agencies in dealing with domestic abuse situations.

Customer Reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
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It's a valuable tool for self-help or counselors.
Deborah S. Meeker
I would highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with domestic violence.
Brenda King
A must read for anyone in or out of an abusive relationship.
notchatfield

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

103 of 111 people found the following review helpful By mc on August 9, 2004
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
I'm 5 years out of my marriage but my husband finally succeeded in getting my grown children to treat me without respect when I worked out of the country for a year. Little by little he talked me down, made fun of me, got them to belittle me - until when I came home, and they did the same to my face, I had PTSD flashbacks of his abuse of me. I wound up on a crisis hotline and this book was recommended to me.

My desperate cry was, When is it going to end? Will I die or get a terminal illness from stress before he leaves me alone? How do I get my babies back? And why aren't there laws against this and legal recourse for us moms?

This book explained that he would never quit trying to redeem himself for his abusive actions (both physical and emotional) by casting blame and doubt on me. He would try to ruin my reputation, ruin my health - do ANYthing to ultimately "WIN".

These guys don't care about "fair", they don't care about "truth", they don't care about anyone in the world but themselves, Bancroft makes us to understand. And, he informed me, they WILL try to turn your children - the ones YOU raised, loved and gave up your whole youth for - against you.

But, he says, don't worry because they will see him for what he is in time.

He spares no words describing these hard-core domestic criminals. He is appalled by their lack of morals and conscience and his heart is with the mother who must struggle against an appalling lack of laws to protect families from abusive men.

This is a must-read for any woman with children still in or finally out of an abusive marriage. He covers the prejudice in the laws, the judges, the lawyers and how the whole male-worshipping world has made the life of female and child victims of abuse difficult.
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26 of 26 people found the following review helpful By dwalter09 on March 30, 2004
Format: Hardcover
An easy to read book with a wealth of valuable information. It is an excellent book for parents who have been involved with controlling partners or anyone who works with families. The book gives a detailed description of how batterers affect the children with whom they live. Bancroft's book offers parents user friendly ideas for helping their children heal after being exposed to a partner who physically or emotionally batters. Bancroft offers an options based model that recognizes the parent knows the batterer the best and she is the best person to support her children.
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18 of 18 people found the following review helpful By S. Mangum on June 29, 2004
Format: Hardcover
I work in a family violence prevention agency and hear women frequently say, "He treats me horribly but he's a great dad." This book uses research and 16 years experience to show how children raised in this environment are negatively affected by the abuse and that the abuser is not a "great dad." The author focuses less on the overt abuse and more on the atmosphere created by the dynamics of abuse with the effects on children. It is a wonderful guide for people debating whether or not to leave and how to mitigate the effects of the abuse for those who choose not to leave.
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18 of 18 people found the following review helpful By Lisa Pirman on July 24, 2006
Format: Paperback
This is an excellent book. It's informative, but very sensitive. I would highly recommend it to any moms out there that are being abused in any way, shape or form. Especially if you don't feel your kids are being affected by you being abused. Because guess what?! They are!
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16 of 17 people found the following review helpful By J. Dusheck on March 16, 2007
Format: Paperback
This book should be read by every family therapist, as it provides insights into how abusive partners manipulate not only their own families but also therapists and the legal system to maintain power and control over partners and children. This book is much more than another set of anecdotes.
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful By Deborah S. Meeker on October 31, 2007
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
This is the best book available about the effects of domestic abuse on children! It's a valuable tool for self-help or counselors. I am a Clinical Social Worker and Certified Domestic Violence Professional, and I recommend this book to most of my clients who are facing issues of divorce, custody, and coping with their children's emotional needs in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. I also use this author's other book "Why Does He Do That?" regularly in working with domestic violence victims and survivors.
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13 of 15 people found the following review helpful By Dara Carlin, M.A. on August 3, 2009
Format: Paperback
As a Domestic Violence Survivor Advocate, this is a bible and the one book that every survivor of domestic violence with children should not be without, especially if she and her children are still caught up in the cyclone of family court "intervention". This book will help any DV survivor mom keep her sanity while the effects of Post Separation Violence continue to interfere with her life and the lives of her children.
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12 of 14 people found the following review helpful By Melissa Ann Deboer on September 7, 2005
Format: Paperback
If there are any women out there like me, that are, or have gone through some of the worst things in life with abuse. This book is for you. It is well worth every penny.
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