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When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People: Surviving Your Family and Keeping Your Sanity [Paperback]

Leonard Felder
3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)


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Book Description

April 14, 2005
When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People

For every holiday, wedding, funeral, or birth of a child, families gather for what are supposed to be times of celebration or remembrance. But often these gatherings create more stress and conflict than joy and connection. When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People speaks to those who look forward to family gatherings but also dream being around certain relatives. The opinionated aging parent, the bigoted uncle, the brother who drinks too much, the cousin who flaunts her money and status--all of these characters appear in the sometimes humorous but always instructive stories throughout this book. Based on years of researching family conflict, Dr. Felder offers practical advice about how to make the most of your heartfelt connections with the family members you love while staying clear of the toxic ones.

Full of specific recommendations for every kind of family situation, from religious disagreements and sibling rivalries to drug, alcohol, and gambling problems, When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People describes with witty, inspiring examples how to identify when to step in and when to step back, how to avoid feeling like a martyr, and how to stay relaxed in situations that once would have made you cringe.


Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Felder, a psychologist and author of Making Peace with Your Parents, notes that people can learn to live with their annoying and difficult relatives, but not by trying to change them. Instead, by figuring out what triggers certain behavior patterns, people can be more accepting and also devise compromises. Using situations from his life as well as examples from his patients, Felder walks readers through the kinds of analysis and solutions they should seek. For example, one matriarch insists on serving Thanksgiving dinner late in the day, when some relatives have already drunk too much and the children are overtired. The woman insists this is the way the holiday has always been celebrated. Finally, her children ask her to try an "experiment" and for one year, start the dinner earlier. The evening turns out to be far more pleasant, and afterwards, relatives call, thanking her for such an enjoyable dinner. Another strategy favored by Felder is to find allies. A woman always has to listen to relatives talk about calories and dieting. She asks her grandfather to help her. He announces a moratorium on discussing food, and the family ends up having conversations about other matters. Felder's tips are practical as he offers specific suggestions on what to say, but what makes his approach so helpful is his assumption that there is no perfect resolution; instead, readers should aim for a middle ground. This is an excellent book for anyone looking for fewer arguments and less tension around family members.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"This book will be a huge help for everyone, and especially for the sensitive people found in all extended families. They are the ones most aware of the value of closeness, most diligent in their efforts to bring harmony, and most miserable around their family's not-so-sensitive, intrusive members. Felder helps us see how to have that cherished dream of family togetherness and our personal boundaries, too." --Elaine Aron, Ph.D., author of The Highly Sensitive Person

"I love this book! Once again, Leonard Felder offers us deep awareness and profound help. When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People is practical, clear, and compelling. There is much wisdom here to help you move out of being victimized by your relatives and into your personal power. I especially appreciate the union of psychology and spirituality."--Margaret Paul, Ph.D., author of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?
--This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Product Details

  • Paperback: 304 pages
  • Publisher: Rodale Books (April 14, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1594862273
  • ISBN-13: 978-1594862274
  • Product Dimensions: 8.7 x 5.6 x 0.8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,166,252 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

3.5 out of 5 stars
(10)
3.5 out of 5 stars
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
58 of 59 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Finally!! Practical advice I can use November 27, 2003
Format:Hardcover
I loved this book. I grew tired of books that provided alot of, exuse me, psycho babble which didn't help me deal w/relatives that drive me nuts or truly hurt me and I find impossible to be around.

Dr. Felder's book provided insight into what I can do that is practical, and I feel even more importantly, urged me to understand that changing my mean grandmother wasn't going to happen.. the only thing I could do was change how I let myself react.

GET THIS BOOK BEFORE XMAS DINNER.

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14 of 15 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Ok March 19, 2007
Format:Hardcover
I liked that it gave advice on how to handle some of the situations, but it didn't give useful advice on most issues. It mainly tells you how to handle it in your head, but not how to communicate with these relatives when they are pushing your buttons.
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6 of 7 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars SOMEWHAT HELPFUL March 9, 2007
Format:Paperback
My personal opinion of the book is that I was a little disappointed. I was looking for a revelation or a solution. I did get a few ideas and tactics for coping with those who continue to impose themselves on you. However, if those don't work you wind up compromising yourself.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
1.0 out of 5 stars Not a very helpful book
I bought this book, hoping to get some definite ideas of how to deal with difficult people. It is so basic it could have ben written by anyone who has a bit of common sense
Published 2 months ago by Jus'Me-Patricia Anne
3.0 out of 5 stars There is always one in every family!
This book provides some insight into why some people behave badly, as they do, at family gatherings and the book offers suggestions to assist in the management of these social... Read more
Published 2 months ago by Judy
5.0 out of 5 stars Useful and practical book.
This is an intuitive and useful book! Makes you realize you are not the only one who experiences this, and offers suggestions to change "the dance!"
Published 3 months ago by Invisible Inker
5.0 out of 5 stars Family Made Easy
I understand family and their weird ways a lot more. Simply written and described everything one goes through with family! Very good investment I made!!!!
Published on January 24, 2009 by Loretta Knoelk
3.0 out of 5 stars Not Terrible, but ...
This one didn't do it for me because it didn't help much with my problems. It seemed as though the problems discussed here were oversimplified and stereotypical and this book is... Read more
Published on August 11, 2008 by LikeItOrNot
2.0 out of 5 stars Get another book......that's all I can say
I purchased this book at the point of desparation. My family, husband and I and two grown sons hadn't talked for two years because of a Legal Will that wasn't pleasing to... Read more
Published on April 14, 2008 by Lynn F. Epstein
5.0 out of 5 stars Good Advice!
I found this book very helpful and inspirational. Definitely a must read for people who are having problems with relatives and don't know how to handle an issue! Read more
Published on May 12, 2007 by Megan Watkins
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