Customer Reviews

When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

5 star:		(32)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(3)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I was disappointed with this book --it was much more simplistic than what I was looking for. It seemed to carry a theme throughout: if your friend has problems, such as depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc., and they affect the friendship, it's best to end the friendship unless they go for therapy. The author advocates making and keeping friendships that are described as fairly ideal. That sounds great to me, but it just didn't seem very realistic, but rather black and white.
I found one story in the book particularly unsettling. The author tells of one of her own college friendships. Ms. Yager says that her friend, "Cindy," told her that she had tried to kill herself. Ms. Yager speculates on her friends' upbringing and then says that at the time, she felt betrayed by Cindy's suicide attempt, "as if it were a slap in the face of our friendship." Ms. Yager says, "Looking back, my thinking, however selfish and confused at the time, may not be all that atypical. My first response was to wonder how much she cared about me as a friend if she was willing to cause me to suffer, as I would have if she had succeeded." The author goes on to say that the friendship fell apart over the next year or two, and that she knew it wasn't due to the fact that they lived in different cities, as she had other friendships like that that worked. She said the main reason was that Cindy's mental illness scared her. The author says that she has thought from time to time of trying to find Cindy to see if she got help and her life turned out okay -- but that she never has, and that the reason she never has is because she has so many positive, healthy friendships now, and therefore she takes "the coward's way out" and does nothing.
What I thought was helpful about this story was that there are readers who might relate to how scary it is to learn that a friend is suicidal, and how problematic it can be. But mostly I found some things about the story, as told, a little disturbing. The author is a PhD Sociologist now -- not a layman about mental health issues. I'm wondering why a professional is still a "coward" about this incident. I also noticed that the author calls the many other friendship incidents in the book "betrayals," but when she relates her own story, she describes her behavior toward her friend as merely "insensitive" and says that she did what was probably typical. In a great many of the other stories, the author analyzes what childhood problems may have led to the betraying actions in the friendships, but in her own story, she just leaves it at "I wonder what happened to Cindy?" I'm not suggesting that the author must analyze her own reaction in this example from her life, but it strikes me as odd given the fact that she does so in so many of the other stories. I also wonder why the author doesn't end her story about her suicidal friend by suggesting to readers how serious it is when a friend talks of suicide, and what basic things to do when that happens, without becoming enmeshed yourself - the author is a PhD Sociologist.
I found the book to be encouraging and validating in it's message of not letting destructive friendships go on and on and bring undue unhappiness and problems into your life, but it was too black and white for me, with too little insight into navigating through the problems. To me, the author seems to be justifying her own unintentional betrayal of her friend, and that really gives me pause.

Yager writes a wonderful book on friendships that have gone bad. While not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, many do, and when friendships start to go sour what do you do? Jan Yager has a clear understanding of what healthy relationships should be, and how they should make you feel, and that you have a responsibility in them. She also has clear guidelines of when friendships start to go badly what can be done.

My favorite part of the book is her short quiz on is the relationship harmful she asks:
1. Is your friend trustworthy
2. Does your friend return your phone calls?
3. Does your friend always keep appointments or meetings and promises?
4. Do other friends praise this friend?
5. Do you enjoy listening to your friend?
6. If you have an opposite-sex friend, and you're both romantically involved with others or married, does your friend's romantic partner know about your friendship?
7. Is your friend someone you're proud of?
8. Is your friendship based on who you both are now, rather than on what you were when you first became friends?
9. After you see your friend, do you fiend yourself thinking, "Wow, I'm glad we're friends?"
10. Does your friend respect your boundaries and your privacy?

She also describes different types of bad friendships and gives suggestions on what you can do to stay in them, or leave the relationship. She does have you ask yourself is the friendship healthy? Was it healthy? Are you up to investing enough into the friendship to make it work again? Most importantly, is the friendship worth saving?

I found her book helpful, and a good guideline on having healthy friendships with others. While this is not a complete book on friendships, it is a good starting point. This book will have you evaluate relationships that may have past their prime, and those relationships that should be salvaged. I would definately recommend this book to anyone that may have nagging questions about friendships that they may have.

We've all been there. Our faithful and beloved friend has in some way betrayed us. It's hurtful and painful and we react in different ways in different situations. "When Friendship Hurts" is the second and latest book in Dr. Jan Yagers friendship series and a follow up book on Friendshifts®.

We make many friends in a lifetime, but only a few are friends for life. "When Friendship Hurts" gives you insight in selecting friends that are good for you - to select the wolves from sheeps. I especially like chapter 2: `Detecting harmful people before they are friends'. In this chapter you'll find 21 different types of potentially negative friends. By reading through each type I can easily recognize which types my bad friends from the past are. It can also help you to predict whether a friendship will turn out good or not before bonding.

More insights are such as: why are friends hurting friends? Are there different rules at work? Can we break the pattern and find good friends.

In these days, Jan Yager is finalizing her third book on friendships. The area she studies here is friendship at work. I'm looking very much forward to her coming books.

After the authors "Friendshift" and all the good recommendations from readers I was disappointed by this book. It does not live up to the title. The author repeats a lot of what she said in the earlier book and never really come to the subject according to my view. The author has not understood that the most important problem for somebody with bad friendships pattern is that because of bad childhood experiences they don't know where the border is between acceptabel behavior from a "friend" and not. They need help with that. (That is also what the title promises but don't give much of). The person that try to quit a history of bad friendship also need help to understand that loneliness will in the beginning be the result. A loneliness they could not stand as a child when they were dependent on parents and relatives, who did not treat them well because of problems of their own. It is also necessary that people, who try to reach better relationships pattern got help to understand that power play that exist between all people specially in the beginning of a relationship when testing is made.

Until reading Jan Yager's book, When Friendship Hurts, I felt alone comprehending the concepts of underlying emotions I encounter in every day life and I knew few people who understood. Now I know I'm not alone. Thank you so much Dr. Yager for your lasting contribution. For communicating that leads to connecting or that explains succinctly what prevents positive connections from happening, Dr. Jan Yager's book is very insightful.

As a professional French and English translator and interpreter for more than 20 years, having interacted with nearly 10,000 users, I have witnessed first hand, in both my professional and my personal life, the devastating effects of certain subconscious feelings few people talk about openly. Yet, those feelings lead to road rage, marriage break-ups, terrible hurts, shattering falsely reputations, damaging personal and professional relationships, to name a few. While friendship is good for the soul, not all friendships have the potential to make us better persons for it, unless we know what lesson to learn from it. To do that, we first have to know what friendship is, and what it is not. Jan Yager explains that beautifully in her checklist of positive and destructive friendships. She defines emotions and behaviors like abuse, anger, blood-sucking, cheating, competition, fault-finding, jealousy, envy, one-upping, rejection, undermining, all the gamut of feelings leading to certain behaviors, that revolve around the issues of trust and acceptance, and undermine our getting met some of the basic needs we all have in common as human beings. The questions Dr. Yager poses are probing, the answers revealing. The problems are there, plain to see in every day life; the wounds are there, plain to feel in every day life, but here is a book that proposes solutions for problems and healing for wounded emotions.

This is a book for every individual who is serious about getting to know and being true to one's self. It is a book that shows both sides of a coin, how we hurt others and how others hurt us, but most importantly, how we can stop it. It explains how misleading our mutual perceptions of each other may be, and how becoming aware of the rhythms of our emotions, we can rise above destructive feelings and create a better, much better experience for ourselves. This is my opinion of her book, in a nutshell. I hope Jan Yager's book When Friendship Hurts becomes a best seller.

-Diane Goullard Parlante, author of Beyond Words ~ Getting to the Heart of Communication in One or More Languages for the 21st Century (http://www.FrenchAndEnglish.com)

I read this book as follow up to reading FRIENDSHIFTS by the same author, Jan Yager. I was really looking to evaluater some experiences I had with friends and if what was done was mean or just friends being friends. I wanted to know how can we get past this OR can I just get this person out of my life after being so close for so long. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS made me realize that I had already tried to save this friendship and nothing was going to save it in the near future. This bad friendship was serving nothing positive in my life. I decided to end the friendship even with the sadness that may come...most of which I have already felt during the betrayal. This book gives you specifics about ending a friendship and the proper etiquette of doing it. It also details out different categories that friends fall in. Reading this helps you to understand where your friends are coming from and when to cut them some slack. The best take away besides learning how to end my bad friendship was that there are positive friends in my life and room for more positive ones if I choose! You do not need to be stuck with a bad friend just because you have known them for so many years or been through triumphs and struggles with them or live in the same city...

"When Friendship Hurts" is an excellent and comprehensive analysis of friendship. Sometimes, we are so wrapped in our everyday affairs that we do not really pay attention to the quality of our relationships/friendships. The book begins on a good foot, with a chapter on who, one can define as a friend. For a person who could often experience negative friendships, a reinforcement of this definition from another source, is helpful. Additionally, it aids in the continual re-evaluation of the quality of one's friendships. The best part of the book is that it is very non-judgemental. While Dr.Yager stresses the importance of salvaging a friendship that is on the wane, she leaves it to the concerned, to judge for themselves, whether one should work on a friendship or allow it to fade away. Breaking a friendship, she says, must be done gently to avoid repercussions. She also gives the reader a psychological insight into what could motivate a person to react in a manner, destructive to the friendship and to the self-esteem of the friend. Broken friendships cause shame and guilt. An understanding that someone's behavior towards you, may have nothing to do with you (your achievements, your behavior) is necessary to diminish the guilt and the shame. She also gives suggestions about how one could improve oneself to improve friendships. The book has a therapeutic effect on the reader and is a must-read for anyone who values friendship. This book has helped me put my former and current friendships into their proper perspective.

All of us can learn something from this insightful book because we've all had a friend hurt or betray us even in just a minor way. I found the chapter that outlines 21 types of potentially negative friends especially helpful. The chapter on if a friendship can be saved and how to save it also helps to make sense of complicated, emotionally charged broken friendships. The author treats the issues with sensitivity and expertise.

Hooray for this book!!! This book is was very insightful and helpful in validating my feelings regarding my negative friendship. I did not know that this type of book exisited so when I found it and bought it I devoured it within a day. It is fast, comprehensible reading filled with examples from others who have had to deal with negative friendships. I especially liked the definitions of the types of friends, the examples of betrayls, and chapter 2...the 21 types of negative friends. There is a chapter on how to try to save the friendship and then one on when and how to end it. That chapter was very helpful to me and gave me ideas on how to deal with having to ending a friendship and having closure with that decision.
The author also includes "Affirmations to Reinforce Your Decision to End a Friendship" which I have gone back and read several times to help me stay strong. I highly recommend this book to anyone that needs help in dealing with a hurtful friendship.

When Friendship Hurts is a meaningful, practical and supportive guide for developing strategies on how to deal with and overcome destructive or negative friendships. Each well constructed chapter defines the challenges faced in friendships and provides direction and skills to implement change. The wisdom and guidance Dr. Jan Yager offers from her years of research on friendship motivates the reader to explore their past and present friendships. Through the encouragement of this self exploration, the reader can heal, begin to trust again, develop and maintain healthy relationships, and to become a better friend themselves. After reading this book I had more insight into my previous failed friendships and more importantly a deeper appreciation and respect for the wonderful friends that currently bless my life!

Christine A. Hartline, M.A., Founder and Director
Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center
www.edreferral.com